- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
@JoJo Bananas: You find a happy medium by going, not every Sunday, but on the ones where his dad and brother are being honored. Of course the masses are for the living and to give them peace, but to say that you don't get peace from them and don't want to go seems pretty selfish, to be honest. Your husband is one of the people it brings peace to, and clearly it would mean a lot to him if you would attend just those few masses so that he feels as if you support him and his family. I really don't think that's asking very much, he isn't asking you to go every single week, that would be unreasonable but this is not.
Put yourself in his shoes - he has lost his father and his brother so close together. Church makes me uncomfortable too, but I would deal with it to be there for my FI in an awful situation like this. It seems like a very small thing to do for him, only taking up one hour every few months, and I'm sure it would mean the world to him.
I agree with Courtney. You say you get nothing out of it, but that's not why you'd be going anyway. You'd be going to give support to your husband, to show him you are there for him in good times and in bad. He needs you now, and to realize that you aren't able to see past some of your differences to be by his side would be very very hurtful. Consider this: what if a Jew and a Catholic had married, and the Jewish person's family member died, and was being honored at sinagogue. I would deem it highly inappropriate for the Catholic person to not attend the service because the Jewish family "didn't believe in the same things". He's not asking you to believe in what he believes, or even convert to Catholicism, he's just asking you to honor his father and brother's memory, and to be by his side. If you don't feel you want to be there for him in this capacity, I'm not sure I understand why you married him? Not meaning this as an insult, I just can't understand why you wouldn't want to do everything in your power to be by your husband's side through such a terrible time.
I agree with the previous poster. In a situation like this, it's not about you at all - it's about supporting your husband. You don't have to listen to the sermons or "buy in" to whatever anyone is saying ... you just need to be there for him.
@Wonderstruck: Well said! He's not asking you to convert to Catholicism or to attend mass every Sunday. He's asking you to attend mass on particular days that are important to him and when he needs emotional support from his wife. You don't have to share his beliefs or get anything out of being at mass. What you get out of the experience is being there to support your husband when he needs you.
@Wonderstruck: Well said! He's not asking you to convert to Catholicism or to attend mass every Sunday. He's asking you to attend mass on particular days that are important to him and when he needs emotional support from his wife. You don't have to share his beliefs or get anything out of being at mass. What you get out of the experience is being there to support your husband when he needs you.
@Wonderstruck: I don't think it could be said any better than this.
@Wonderstruck: Well said! My fiance is an atheist, and I'm Catholic, and like the original poster's mom and brother, we have masses said for my mom and grandparents. While he doesn't come to the mass for my grandparents, he is always there for my mom's mass every year. He might not believe in what is being said, but he will listen and even talk about the sermon after the service. It's a little thing, but it shows how much he cares.
I agree with the other posters. I am the agnostic and my husband the christian in our relationship. I don't care to go to church, but when it's important to him, I'm there. It's uncomfortable for me, but it's a small thing in the big picture.
I just wanted to throw in there that saying masses for deceased relatives is a normal thing for Catholics, and the offering for masses is $15 at my parish, $20 at St. Patrick's Cathedral. So this isn't something extreme that your MIL is doing, it is the norm.
@Wonderstruck: OMG, you are so perceptive and brilliant. This is the answer I would give if I could have marshalled my thoughts together. To the OP, I remember you telling us of the loss of your FIL and BIL so close together and how your MIL was going through a bad phase and you were grocery shopping, cooking etc for her. This is just an extension of that but on a much less time consuming scale. You don't even need to go to the Mass said on their birthdays etc. Maybe the memorial mass?? It seems like your husband is not a big church goer either and he started going only because he lost his brother and father. People cling to religion usually after a loss like this. Understand where he is coming from please.
I am not a church goer. I don't believe in what's being said at the pulpit. But when I visit my mum, it means so much to her to have me in church even though she knows I am not a believer. If it gives her that much peace, I do it for her. I don't think the price of taking a principled stand is worth the sadness it would bring to her. Please please please, go to a few masses with your husband. Even, suggest it before he brings up the next one. It would mean so so much for him. I feel so bad for his family. Losing two members so close to each other :(
I agree with pps, and I as well do not believe in the teachings of the church. But, since you married a man who does, I agree that going to those special masses will bring real peace to him and his mom. Just go to your husband and say something like, "I have been thinking a lot about this situation, and I have decided that I will go to the dedicated masses to support you and your mom. Just please don't ask me to go to any other masses." That way, you are compromising, so he will see that, and not ask you to go to regular Sunday mass.
I agree with the others as well.
FI is Catholic and I am atheist and I just go to mass with his family. I only go for Easter and Christmas or when we happen to be at his parents for an extended time period. He doesn't go on his own and his parents live far enough that he won't drive there to go with them.
I completely understand being uncomfortable, I am super uncomfortable each and every time I go. It's only gotten slightly easier because I sort of get when to sit/stand/greet neighbours etc. but the sermons and entire service are not really fun to sit through. I do it because he is expected to go and appreciates that I come with him.
I would rather go and keep the peace between me and FI (and his mom). Especially in this case where it involves family members who have passed away. You just need to be there to support him, not listen to the sermon.
Agree with everyone else! Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes you do things you don't want to do because it makes your partner happy.
I am agnostic and my FI is Christian. In the past year, he has started attending church most weekends after a long period of not going. While his church is quite laidback, it still isn't for me as I simply don't agree with most of what's said. It's basically two hours of feeling bored and awkward. But I go sometimes, because I know it's important to him and I want to be supportive. He isn't trying to convert me, he just wants me to have a better understanding of his beliefs.
PPs have said it all really--just wanted to add that DH and I are like you, but flipped (he's the atheist), same as my grandparents, and we all have run into this at one time or another. My grandparents and us settled on the same solution as most people here--don't go to the regular Masses, but the special ones as a show of support.
Thank you bees for giving me perspective.
Some of my reluctance to go to mass is because I don't want to prolong the sadness. I don't know if that makes any sense. I am the type of person that likes to rip the band-aid off and get the pain over with quickly and move on.
@JoJo Bananas: I agree with previous posters.
I understand you may deal with problems like ripping a bandaid- but it isn't fair to expect your husband to deal and heal the same way.
Am I wrong or do you resent the clingyness or possible emotional manipulation of your mother in law? I may be WAY off her, but I just thought that might be part of this...
I don't think its prolonging the sadness, as much as remembering those who are gone. Does she always act sad, and can't get past their deaths?? Because if not, then this is the way some people deal with it. They don't ever want to forget, so keeping it in the forefront is the way they deal
I totally agree with everything pps have said and think it really would be a wonderful gesture if you bring up going the next time first.
@JoJo Bananas: This was mentioned in another thread where you talked about this and I shall say this again. It's only been a year. At least she's functioning again. But honestly, they lost a brother/son and father/husband within a few months of each other. Give them time to grieve. Just because you are a bandaid person does not mean that they have to be. Also, I don't think going for mass in memory of loved ones is prolonging the grief. Please, seriously think of what folks have written here and be a bit more open to how your family members are grieving. Good luck.
I agree with all of those who said to go to the special masses. You would be doing it for your husband and his mom. It is ok if you stare at the ceiling! I have gone to Hindu Temple the last two weeks with my husband and his mother (who is visiting us from India right now) and I just followed what they did and that was that. Sure, I was uncomfortable there and don't believe in any of it, but it is important to them that I go, so I went! You can choose not to go and have arguments with your husband (or at least have some sort of tension maybe) or you can go to support him and his mom and have no arguments and make them happy and feel supported. It is only a few times a year. Good luck deciding what is best for you.
@JoJo Bananas: I agree with the previous posters about going to the special masses.
@bRooklynRocks: I agree with everything you said.
It's been 16years since my mom passed away and there is still always a little pain& sadness at my mom not being here... The first year is a blury haze in which my entire family barely functioned. It really did help going to mass and doing things in my mom's memory.
I will also add, when my Grandma died in 08, we did a lot of things at the church, out of respect for her. My parents don't go to church, haven't for many years, but my mom would take my Grandma for things like Christmas and Easter, because she wanted to go and my mom knew it would mean a lot to her. I grew up in the Catholic church, so I know how everything goes, and hubs did not (the best way to describe us is agnostic atheists). I asked him to please do the church things with us, and I would show him the ropes, because it would mean so much to my Grandma that we were both there. He didn't like it, but he did it, and it meant a lot. He was even a pallbearer at her funeral, which he did for my mom as much as her.
The point is, you do things for the people you love, even if you don't want to. We all sacrifice, and I really think this would mean so much to your husband and MIL if you went. I'm sure it would mean a lot to his dad and brother as well
@MrsSl82be: I agree with everything you just said above. It really is about sacrifice and making your spouse happy when something is that important to them.
One thing I would like to point out...you say that the masses aren't for the deceased, they are for the living. Obviously you don't agree with this because you are an atheist, but it might help to realize that in Catholic practice, they are for the dead. A lot of religions don't practice this, but we pray for the deceased and believe that things aren't done after you die. We believe that God transcends space, and more importantly time, so while Protestants tend to believe that you shouldn't pray for the dead because their life is over so what's done is done, but Catholics still pray for peoples' souls after they de. So memorial masses aren't just to remember, they are for the dead. That might be part of the reason your SO (even if he doesn't articulate it this way) gets upset when you don't go. He or his family might see these masses as really for that person, not just in memory of them. So that might be part of the reason he gets upset when you don't go. Hopefully this perspective clears some things up about memorial masses. And as a PP said, it's a pretty common practice for Catholics. It's not really a "fee" as much as donation (semantics, I know, but the point is you aren't "buying" a mass).
I don't know if you have a spiritual practice...I know some atheist/agnostics who do, so maybe you could reflect on what your beliefs are during the mass. For instance, there is a strong emphasis on communion in the mass, and the unity of people. Whether or not you subscribe to the exact philosophy, you can use that time to reflect on the unity of humanity.
Good luck figuring out what is best for your family!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 21 |
| MsPanda | 15 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| londonchick | 9 |
| londonpeach84 | 8 |
 KimKimmieKim |
8 |
| pengoala | 7 |
| ladyartichoke | 6 |
| ndreighton | 6 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
I am currently struggling with the issue of an interfaith marriage.
I am atheist, hubs is catholic. Although I don't think he would go to mass if he did not feel extreme guilt and sadness for his mom. Hub's dad and brother passed away last year. Ever since then, he has not missed a single Sunday at church. He has told me that he feels sorry for his mom, that he doesn't want her to be alone. I also think he feels intense guilt for not going to church in the past.
My husband's family is extremely catholic. They have paid some fee to the church here for masses in my inlaw's honor. My MIL has been able to choose which mass she wants in their names (around their birthdays, father's day, near the anniversary of their death). Each time one of these masses comes up, DH asks if I want to go. The answer is always the same - no. I do not subscribe to catholicism, I feel incredibly uncomfortable listening to someone speak about things that I find to be false, and I don't get anything out of going - I sit there and stare at the ceiling.
Each time I say that I don't want to go there is a huge argument and I think both of us end up hurt. He says I think I am "too good to give a damn about his dad and brother." The thing is, these masses are not for them. They are for those who are living to give them peace. I do not obtain any peace from going so I choose not to go. DH thinks I am dissing him and his family when I choose this. Every time I try and explain he gets so angry and shuts off so I have to walk away.
How do I find a happy medium?