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Hello! I am new to this site, and my husband and I have been the recent recipients of some "Bridezilla-like" behavior from his neice, who was married this past June.
I am looking for some feedback to a rather upsetting situation, but first some background:
John and I are very humble, simple people. We are not extravagant by any means, nor are we wealthy. We have recently had to sell our home due to financial hardship and we are getting our feet back on the ground.
We attended John's neice's wedding, which was black-tie optional-very expensive, as you can imagine. We traveled to Connecticut and had to spend money on a hotel stay, meals, etc.
She is the type of young lady who has been indulged her entire life and is an only child. Our wedding gift to her included a set of pewter picture frames and a hand-carved, stone sculpture representing the union between the bride and groom with an accomanying saying about the meaning of marriage.
Here is the situation: We got our wedding gifts mailed back to us this past week with a note that read, "after thoughtful consideration, we have decided to return your wedding gifts to you. Please give these items to someone who might like them."
My husband is extremely upset, as am I-I have never heard of this sort of thing before! Has this ever happened to anyone out there? I wrote her a letter back explaining the impact it had on our feelings and that we were shocked and appalled-I would not have used the words, "thoughtful consideration."
Any thoughts/comments? Were we too cheap?
A befuddled aunt
that has to be the rudest thing I have ever heard of in my life
maybe they were upset because they spent somuch on the reception they expected expensive fancy gifts in return; I know of one couple who come from a culture where whatever they spend on the plate they expect to receive the same money back in gifts or cash, its a cultural thing
aw, how rude and mean a gift comes from the heart there should be no monetary value set
That is hands down the tackiest, rudest thing I have heard in a while- they should be incredibly ashamed of themselves. Wow honestly I can't think of anything ruder than that, wedding-wise, at the moment. Tacky tacky tacky! And horrendously inconsiderate!!!
Seriously? That is the worst thing I've ever heard. She is the reason people hate brides. WTF? I'm sorry that this happened to you. :(
Apparently her and/or her husband were not raised to appreciate a gift. I've heard of regifting but to actually send it back to the giver is very inconsiderate and insulting. I'm so sorry for both you and your husband as it seems that you were upset and disappointed by your niece's reaction. Unfortunately there is little else you can do, unless you want to confront her (as nicely as possible) about it face to face? You didn't mention if you had children of your own, if you do , or if you plan to have them someday, this is the sort of thing you tell them about to teach them what not to do.
That is horrific. What a horrid seflish girl. I think you need to stop being so nice and give her a few home truths as it clearly seems like nobody else will.
I also think your husband should speak to his brother/ sister (whoever is his sibling) and let them know how hurt he has been by their daughters selfish and cruel actions.
I am all for keeping peace in a family, but I don't think there is anything wrong with honesty.
Oh my! That is truly ungrateful and very rude. What a strange note, was there anything else in there, maybe a thanks for coming or it was nice to see you?
I'm glad to see you responded to her, and I'm confident from your post that you did so in an appropriate manner.
The only other thing that I can think of -- and I don't think her note supports this -- is that she doesn't want you to have to spend money on a gift for her. My FIL has given us some expensive gifts (Tiffany candlesticks and keychain) that I don't really care for and I know he can't afford. We both know that he cannot afford them, this is not an assumption. I would love to return them so he could have a few hundred bucks back, but DH won't let me, and I agree it would really upset him.
Wow...I'm shocked. I feel horrible for you two and I also feel bad for the groom! Imagine living your life with a woman like that! My husband and I have been receiving a few early gifts and one was a beautiful hand made, quilted table runner made to match the colors of our invites. Not really our style, but the thought and work that went into it is amazing. I bought a few fun dishes to match it just so that I could display it for a lunch or something. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that, you have every right to be offended and upset.
KateMW is so right -- this kind of behavior is why people hate brides! Returning a gift to the giver because you don't like it is horrifyingly rude.
A lot of couples do face a dilemma when a loved one gives them a thoughtful gift that's not particularly to their taste and can't be returned, so I sympathize with that aspect of their situation. But for pete's sake, where did this couple get the idea that it was OK to mail the gift back to you with a snotty note? Not OK, at all. You were not being cheap, and you are not overreacting. Your niece's actions were indeed "Bridezilla" behavior.
Holy cow!! I've never heard anything like that! I would love to know her and hear her "thinking" about how sending this note could be okay?!!!
I think you can tell by all the other posts how appalled we are by this. Anyone would feel like dirt if this happened to them and it's beyond all sense of decency what your niece did. Very strange and ungrateful. I really hope she comes to her senses and finds a way to apologize to you and your husband.
Holy piece of crap.
THat girl is...there are no words. But tacky, rude, selfish and a B-word comes to mind.
Does her mom know she did this (either your husband's sister or your sis I guess? Or bother's wife, you know what I mean) because this girl needs a lesson on manners
How about you send her an Emily Post Etiquette book and say, "Honey, I think you need to read this" or, for Christmas perhaps? lol. Or anonymously, so you can write a snarky note
I'm sorry your niece is such a B! That's absolutely horrendous. What an ungrateful little brat. I wonder if anything is good enough for her. Yikes
DISGUSTING! I second letting her mother know what she did. I am sure she didn't pay for that wedding out of her own pocket. She needs a slap back into reality.
ejs4y8, I love it! Get this gal an etiquette guide and send it to her with a note saying, "We're so sorry our previous gift was not to your liking. We decided to get you something more practical this time. We send you this book with all the love in the world, and with the hope that reading it will help you acquire the manners you so desperately need." (OK, too snarky, not really. But fun to contemplate!)
Also, I'm with those who said to tell this girl's parents. Honestly, the parents may be the problem (it sounds like they really spoiled the niece) -- they might tell you that their darling little princess had every right to send back something she didn't like. But just in case they still have some manners, they should know how their daughter is treating their friends and family members.
MelissaB, I love it. Sometimes people just need to be told straight up they are being ridonkulous. Hee-haw.
If anything, maybe she'll go "omg that was so rude of her to send me this book" (although totally justified in my opinion!!) and maybe her husband will go "hmmm...." I wonder if HE knows she did this, I mean, wow. What a pair.
If I knew her, I'd call her up =]
When I first read your topic title, I thought it was going to be about a missing thank you note. I've never heard of anyone returning a gift to the giver before! I have no idea what "thoughtful consideration" means under these circumstances and agree that it looks really bad. However, are you fairly certain that she returned the gift because she didn't like it? Could there possibly be better motives obscured by the bizareness of the action? I'd really like to think (I know, I know) that it was a thoughtful, if misguided, thing to do. Would it make sense, with the circumstances of your relationship, to give them a call and ask? That note was just so... vague. Very, very strange.
Ohmagah I want to slap her! How incredibly rude...I can't believe it! I mean, gosh, if she didn't want your gift because she is a spoiled brat, she could have done something else with it...not send it back! How did she NOT think this would hurt your feelings???? Yes, this is certainly why people hate brides...because one bad apple like this girl ruins it for the rest of us!!! I am so sorry this happened to you!
holy crap. that is the most absurd thing I've ever heard! What an ungrateful wench.
did she send other gifts back? I agree, tell her mother..unless her mom thinks thats okay to do...
As one previous poster noted, it is possible that the bride sent the gift back to you instead of returning it herself because she wanted you to get the money back. Given the fact that she probably knows that you have had to sell your house due to financial concerns, this is possible. I received a very generous check from family friends who recently lost their job and didn't have much savings, and I really wished that they had kept their money. If your niece had kind motivations behind her sending the gift back, she should have kept the gift and written an extra nice thank you note. Her behavior was extremely inappropriate, but if it was caused by good intentions, I would be inclined to forgive her. If her behavior was due to the fact that she just didn't like your present/thought it was too inexpensive, then she really has no character and should never be given another present again. I think you need to talk to her to find out what her motivations were, since it is possible that she was (in a completely misguided and wrong way) trying to help you by making it possible for you to get your money back.
It's funny, though, even if she knew money was tight she probably wouldn't have returned a gift she liked (something on her registry!).
Redfox, did she or her mom respond to your note? Let us know if they do!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. So very, very out of line, words cannot express . . .
That B**** needs slapped! That is by far the rudest thing I have ever heard of! I would be saying something to her parents for sure. They should be embarrassed to have a daughter who acts like that. I would never send her a gift for anything ever again. I would love to see it when she gets knocked off her pedistool and slapped back into the real world!
Redfox...the only thing that makes any sense to me is that there is more to the story (as in, she has a bee in her bonnet about something else and this was her way of showing it.)
If you don't like a gift, then how easy is it to donate it, box it up, get rid of it, etc.? Packaging the whole thing up, hauling it to a post office, paying for shipping, and writing a note to essentially 'give this to somebody who actually wants it'...to me that sounds like she is trying to make a deliberate statement. Who knows about what! You didn't come to her birthday party when she was eight, or something.
Sorry. I know what a slap in the face this must have been, but there are people in life who just spread negativity like that. I think the trick is to avoid them as much as possible and surround yourself with loving, positive people!
OMG - I cannot believe that she did that to you!
This is the most horrific thing I have ever heard of!
I agree with the bees who said tell the mother and send an etiquette!!!!!
Horrible - please don't think all bride's are like that!
Very, very strange and horrifying if she did this just to spite you or to make you feel bad. I wonder if there is more to the story as some others have noted above. Good luck to you as you wade through the iinevitable drama with your family... that was really classless of her, she actually took the time to mail it back, wow.
Wow! I cannot believe that! My sister was married last year and honestly got the ugliest set of vases we had ever seen, but she didn't say anything to anyone about it. She wrapped them up and they are in her crawl space and if she can use them for anything, she will. That's the worst behavior I have ever heard of!
Wow! I agree with the other posters. And I don't think I can express how muc h I support sending her and etiquette book as a much more appropriate second gift. You can even highlight sections that really pertain to her!
i totally would send her an etiquette book with a note and a smile :D.
To all bloggers: Thank you for your support on this subject! We sent the response letter to this niece-she is actually my niece by marriage and we do not have a lot of contact with her-I do agree with the bloggers who advised: we may not know the whole story, and to tell her parents-this I am leaving up to my husband, as it is his brother's daughter.
To be honest, this young woman (30 years old!) Has been given every indulgence she has ever wanted, and wants for nothing. Her mother may have known about the gift return, as she called my husband John for our address to give her daughter.
She is causcasian-I am not sure if there was an expectation to have the value of the gift match the price tag of the wedding, which she did not pay a dime towards. I stand by my written response and appreciate the nearly unanimous response that this behavior is rude and unheard of! My approach has been to not yell, scream, and blame and point fingers, but to be completely honest and let people know the consequences of their actions or words in a matter-of-fact and calm manner when they are hurtful. I do want to give her a chance to explain herself-we will blog once we get (if we get) a response to the letter. I love this site-thank you, one and all-I loved reading the responses and I realize that we are not alone!
Oh.My.God. What a terrible little b****. Jeez that is just insane behavior.
Glad you had the guts to stand up for yourselves. Would like to know what the parents say when your hubbie talks to them. Because if she were my daughter, I would be so embarassed and appalled that I rasied someone who would behave that way.
That is the most appalling thing I have ever heard. (The proper thing to do if you don't like a gift is to thank the person who gave it to you and then lose it somewhere or give it to someone else!) Telling the mother will probably do no good, as someone had to raise your niece with those manners!
I agree with what everyone else has said -- That is by far the rudest thing I've ever heard of! Your gift to her sounded beautiful and heartfelt and I would have been happy to receive something like that!! After all, it really is the thought that counts and in my mind there is no such thing as a "cheap" gift if someone is giving it with the best of intentions. Good luck in finding peace with this situation. I feel for you!
I'm with everyone else. That is the rudest thing I've ever heard of doing. Maybe you should have reminded her that gifts are not required at a wedding, and she should be happy she got anything. Ungrateful brat!
Funny how the privileged folk act like they were raised in a barn by wolves, eh?
Keep us informed. I can't believe she's 30 years old....I wonder how much her husband puts up with, yikes!
OH MY GOD.... to be honest i actually said that outloud because i was so freakin' shocked!!!
its been at least 2mins since i ready OP post and i still cant get past OMG.... this would be the absoulute worst thing ive ever heard of!
Ok, I am sure my post is not going to be popular, but please keep in mind that this is a message board and I don't know you or anything at all about you.
I am a little biased because I have a close relative who is a Professional Victim. She pushes and pushes and pushes, and the second someone pushes back she runs off to tell the world how ill treated she is. Now, I am not saying that has anything at all to do with you - just that after years of dealing with her I tend to be more skeptical until I hear both sides of any story.
To me, returning a gift in that manner is not necessarily about the gift, but more about sending a message to the person who sent it. Is it possible that something happened at the wedding that could have been construed negatively on her part? I can't help but notice you mention how spoiled and indulged you think she is a few times - is it possible your feelings about her shined through in some way on her wedding day? That this is her way of saying she is not ok with something that happened?
Sorry. Again, I don't know you or anything about the situation. If this was simply a matter of "I don't like this so I'm returning it" then I cannot fathom the depths of tastelessness that entails.
Rose999, that's a really good point. On a message board it's always hard to fairly judge a situation because you usually only hear one side of the story. I could envision a situation where I'd want to return a gift -- for example, if someone came up to me at the reception and said "you've made a huge mistake, I give your marriage a year, tops," I'd probably send back anything they gave me!
Redfox45, I'm definitely not trying to imply that you did anything like that -- I just wanted to offer some support for Rose999's point that we may not know the whole story. Could the bride have been angry at you for some other reason (e.g. a comment she may have overheard at the wedding), and lashing out by returning your gift? That doesn't make it polite, certainly, but it might help explain where her head was at.
If it was unprovoked and motivated entirely by not liking the gift, I stand by my sort-of-but-not-really-a-joke suggestion of sending her a big fat copy of Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette!
Um. Just wondering. What does her being caucasian have to do with anything?
@texaslawgirl: I think someone asked about the bride's background, although I am sure that there is no culture on earth where this is acceptable behavior.
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