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I'm asking this question with respect, so please answer respectfully :)
I'm taking my fiance's last name when we get married. For me personally, it's important to have a unifying family name, especially when we have kids. I was talking with a friend the other day who calls herself a feminist, and she said (in not so many words) that I should be ashamed this day in age to take his last name. She went on to give a mini-speech that it was a leftover affect of man's possesion of women etc. etc.
My question is this. Why am I less of a woman for wanting my last name to be that of the MAN I've chosen (future husband) instead of keeping the name of a MAN I was given (my father).
I have a very close relationship with my father, so it isn't that I don't want to be linked to him, but, if it's one man's name vs. another...why is it considered more empowering to keep your father's vs take your husband's?
It shouldn't be! I myself am a feminist, and I cannot wait to take my FI's last name. It's unifying. It has nothing to do with me being a possession. Your friend seems to have some relationship fears/issues. If you want to, hyphenate. Or keep your maiden name as a middle name. But really, nothing wrong with taking his last name. You're still his equal.
OMG I asked this exact same question multiple times to feminist studies classes in college. Never got a good answer!
I think there's many different types of 'feminism'.
I don't like labels but I guess I'm a feminist but basically I think that women and individuals are capable of making decisions for themselves without someone else dictating their actions for them. You want to cook all day barefoot go for it, I do it often. You want to go out and work 80 hours a week, go for it, I do that often too. So umm.....I don't know what your friend was talking about and agree with you that it's your choice.
The great thing about being a woman in today's day and age is that we CAN do whatever WE WANT! Your friend is wrong. To be truly a feminist means you give yourself the freedoom to do what you want to make yourself happy -- whether that mean keeping your given family name, taking your new husband's name, staying home with children, working full time at a career you love, etc. I personally am keeping my name, because I happen to love it!!! I have always loved my last name and always knew I would never change it. I am not TRYING to be a feminist, or trying to make a statement. My last name is just a really awesome name and I am happy that I was not born 100 years ago where is was completely unacceptable to keep my name.
I will be taking my FI's last name and it has nothing to do with possession! It is what works best for us.
Many women have personal association (or sentimental feelings) to their name or have established careers and other work based on their maiden name, so for them, it absolutely makes sense to keep their maiden name.
I think it depends on what is best for you - both as individual and a couple - and for your future. From a feminist point of view, it is often about the choice of whether to keep you name or not - not the actual name itself.
There is not one right answer!
As a self-proclaimed liberal feminist who is taking her fiance's name because I, too, prefer the cohesiveness of a family sharing a single name, I've often wondered the same thing. Keeping my father's name is fighting the patriarchy how?! LOL!
You aren't less of a woman. We don't need to be so militant about name changes. You either want to or you don't. I'm taking my BF's name when we marry. It's simpler and right now it's a part of our culture in the US. In Iceland they take their dads last name and add Dottir....so like Carlsdottir. And then they keep it, even after marriage.
In this country we can change our last name or not....or hypenate....beautiful!
That's the thing about being a strong woman. In this day and age you get to do what *you* want. Isn't it great? So if you want to take your husband's last name, you (and you only) get to make that choice. You should point that out to your friend.
For what it's worth, I agree with the other Bees -- choice is a great thing! But it does irk me that so many women behave as if keeping their maiden name is the ethically superior choice. They're MEN'S names either way! Just sayin...
feminism is about women having the freedom to choose. you are choosing to change your name. once upon a time the choice was not yours to make. the judgement of your friend is anti-feminist in my POV.
* full disclosure: i took my husbands last name, but only because he made a BFD about it. i think the whole "family cohesiveness" argument is crud. If us having the same name was so important, he would have changed his last name to mine. so while i consider myself a feminist, i also realize that relationships require compromise.
I suppose I would consider myself a feminist and growing up I always thought that I would keep my name. Fast forward to now and I just went to the social security office last week to change it. While I don't like the outdated ideas that the name change stands for, I am practical and, like you, I changed it for practical reasons to have family continuity. But the point is that I CHOSE to do this. To me, it is not anti-feminist if it was my choice. My husband even said that he would change if I asked him to, but that is not what I chose.
@MissDallasCowboy: The simple answer, honestly, is that almost none of our future spouses are considering changing their names.
I agree that it is great that we all have a choice whether or not to take our husband's name, and that both choices are more or less respected. And while I'm keeping my name, and that is super important to me, it also isn't something I go hard on. I have no problem with other people's choices, there are plenty of considerations in this decision.
But where I diverge is on the fact that this is not still a vestige of patriarchy. Name change isn't an issue men face. There is no pressure for men to consider changing their names. Why is that? While I totally understand wanting the whole family to have the same name, why do so few people consider taking the woman's last name?
Now, I don't say that to come on hard. There are plenty of things I do that I probably wouldn't do if it weren't for the patriarchy. I'm wearing high heels, make-up, and a fitted outfit at work right now, for example. So I'm not really one to judge, honestly.
I had no choice in my last name. Or my first, for that matter. But it is mine now. For me, it will never feel like an equal choice until the question is not, will I take my husband's name, but, will either of us change, and changing to the woman's name is just as much of an option.
I have been confronted with criticism about my decision to change my name, and typically answer it with what I call "what's in a name?" mentality. If a person had just met me moments before and I was introduced as "Mrs. Lastname", would this new acquaintance feel the need to ask "wait, is that YOUR name or HIS?" and wait for my response before deciding to continue our conversation? Unlikely.
Therefore I see it as personal business, whether the decision was made for unification purposes, preference, or I-like-his-initial-better reasons.
A professor at my University told me I was "blindly subjugating myself to the domination of my future husband, reinforcing the patriarchal society structure, and contributing to the dissolution of female strength." My answer? "Beliving that women are blindly subjugated by men is reinforcing that image; voluntarily taking my husband's name when it is not required proves I am confident in my self-identiy as a woman." She didn't have a reply.
It used to be both assumed and required for women to take on her husband's name, but hasn't been that way for a long, long time (I'm an 18th-century marriage scholar). Dowries, inheritance lines laws, and divorce ordinances no longer reflect a male ownership but rather a partnership, and so-called feminists argue mostly based on historically accurate but currently irrelevant concepts.
@monitajb:I get what you're saying about the fact that men don't have that choice to make and that in that way, it's patriarcal.
BUT to me, having the man's name is a way of honoring the papa in the family. I mean, a mom carries the children, delivers them, everyone KNOWS who's the mom. What do dad's have to show that they're part of the family? I believe that giving your children their father's name, and if you want, taking his name as well, is a great way to honor the men we love and give them the part they deserve in the center of our families.
@egb: Like I said, there are plenty of factors to consider, and certainly good arguments either way. My point is that almost none of us actually had this discussion with our FI's. For most of us, the choice is do I change my name somehow or keep it. I bet we could count on one hand the number of active Bees who honestly discussed as a viable option her FH taking her name.
I think that part of what I object to as a feminist is the way society judges women so much more harshly on so many measures. That includes your friend's attitude towards your changing your name.
But that also includes the fact that all the pressure is on women to change their name. It is up to the woman to create the family unit. Men may or not care about it, but they grow up with a name and they expect to (and 99.9% of the time do) keep that name. Women are expected to be malleable, to consider the sacrifice of creating a cohesive family unit.
On an individual level, it is fine if a woman wants to make that sacrifice (not fine for a man to pressure her, imo, but fine for her to choose to). It is fine if a woman wants to change her name for another reason (aesthetics, never knowing her father, easier to spell, whatever). I don't know based on someone's name what her thought process was, all I know is that she probably had one.
As far as my father's name, my fiance has his father's name. They both had their father's name before them. There's nothing I can do about that, but what I can control is getting to keep my name and its link to my family history, just as he has always expected to be able to keep his. If we have children, their names will link them to their mother's family (we will almost certainly be childfree, if not we will hyphenate or use my name... he can use his if he finds a way to get pregnant) and both girls and boys will be able to decide if the want to keep that link if/when they marry.
monitajb definitely hit on part of my view, that name changes aren't an issue for men. So many view it as a "more feminist" or even "the only feminist" decision to keep your name, since it's more on equal footing to what men do- ie, never having to make a personal decision regarding which name to take. It's not an equal choice for men and women. For me personally, I feel that until an equal number of men take on women's last name as the other way around, keeping your maiden name *is* a more feminist choice. I don't think it's a huge deal if you do change your name, nor do I expect that all (or even many) women will want to make a feminist statement, so take that for what it's worth.
The other part of my answer as to why it's considered more feminist to keep a name passed along male lines than to take on your husband's name is that names are two things (to me): a statement on what family you come from, along with you very own, personal identity. My first and last name as a combination are something I have had *as an individual* my whole life. I respond to the sounds of it and have memorized the way it feels to write it down on a piece of paper. This is me. My FI's name is him. And while I don't think that all, or even very much of, my identity is tied up in my name alone, it still makes up a part of who I am, not to mention others' recognition of who I am. I have to have *some* name, some identity, and that happens to be my given name, which was passed down by my father.
My fiancé and I hope to address this one-sided passing down of names by giving my daughters my last name, and my sons his, or vice versa. And it's not *just* my father's name- he didnt choose that name himself either, it was passed on from his father, and on and on. Of course it's not equal that it was only passed along patrilineally, but I hope to change this, at least in my family.
I know that a lot of people think that my decision is overzealous, but I think that the bulk of present-day feminism is making decisions that may seem over-the-top to many others simply because the matters seem trivial- aren't women "basically" equal now, don't they have the same freedoms as men? I don't think we do yet, so these small things add up as part of larger issues.
This is a decision that is fraught with so many implications for people, and I understand why it elicts strong feelings. But I will stand by my opinion that having one "man's name" (my father's) is more ME and more fair to me as a woman than taking on my FH's last name.
Sorry to write a novel, just trying to clarify why I felt that way :)
@monitajb: Maybe not bees but I had this conversation with my husband and I know a lot of my friends did as well.
The thing is there is no easy answer. You can't continue to hyphenate in every generation so it's a temporary solution, I've had friends make a new last name out of their old last names but then you lose any trace to lineage, I've heard a couple people who want to divide the last name up amongst children but that to me seems a bit confusing/complicated though I could see how it might work, but usually it comes down to only one passing their last name on to their children. Honestly, we're not 100% decided. I think it's much easier for women to say OK because they got used to the idea from a young age, whereas most men haven't so it's a new idea to them, thus it's usually easier for the couple just to OK we'll go with the flow/what's common.
This is the first time I've seen it presented this way (ie Keep your father's name or change to your husband's name), and while I see the merits of that argument, I'll risk being repetitive by saying the following...
Personally, I've kept my father's name. But you know, it's also my mother's name now, and has been for longer than she had her maiden name. For me, it's my family's name, and, like @maladroite said, it's MY name. I have always identified myself in this way, and see no reason to change now.
When we got engaged, I did bring up the idea of my husband changing his name. His reaction was an immediate "NO" which helped him to understand why I haven't wanted to change my name. It's who I am, and one basis of our relationship is that we love each other NOW, how we are, and we're not looking to change each other. For me, that includes my name. For him too, as it turned out. :)
That said, I've seen other women who are delighted to change their names for various reasons (eg, family cohesiveness, or simply shedding the name of a disliked father), and it's great that they're so enthusiastic about it. I guess I would only have an issue with changing a name if a woman is NOT happy about it, but is browbeaten into changing her name. THAT brings up the inequity, and all the questions that @monitajb raised.
Also, I'd like to bring up Mrs. Star. I believe that she and her husband BOTH changed their names to create their new family. I kind of liked that too. :)
BUT, again, it's a personal thing, and to judge someone so harshly for such a personal decision isn't quite right.
And to the OP, your friend was pretty rude about voicing her opinion of your choice!
Well, I'm not a feminist, but the reason I'm considering keeping my maiden name is because there's almost nobody, I think there's probably less than 20 people, with my last name (Jakoplic) in the United States. My fiance has a very very VERY common last name (Arnold).
My FI and I have been negotiating this for a while! We agreed that it would be nice to have the same name but haven't yet decided which name to take. He is just as happy to change his name as I am to change mine which is nice. Though I think that's more because he prefers the sound of my surname to his, rather than for any social-political-patriarchal-feminist reasons...
We even thought about mashing the names together and becoming the Andersbridgersons - although to me that sounds a bit much like something you'd find in IKEA.
Well, we've had a few people mention really considering having the FH take the FW's name, so maybe I'm overly pessimistic. 
Well.....I'm not saying they decided to take the girls last name. I can't say I can think of anyone off hand who decided to pass the girls last name onto the kids. But.....I think most of my friends have had this conversation as a serious discussion, the result is just always the same. I know several people though who combined last names but no one that chose the girls name.
@egb: I think that's an interesting point - that women have the privilege (if you think of it that way! har har) to physically have children, and naming the family after the father can be a way that the father is linked with his children and family.
Very interesting post MissDallasCowboy! and i'm an Eagles fan ;)
I wonder if we are expecting too much too soon? Feminism as a movement has made huge strides in the last 40 years or so, and it takes society and social norms a while to catch up. A generation ago, very few women kept their own names after marriage, and society looked askance at those who did. Now, we debate about whether to keep our maiden names or take our husbands'. We have come this far in one generation, it's not too much to hope that the next generation of couples will choose more often to take the wife's name.
It's up to you. You have to do what is right for you. If you feel that you are doing what you are doing for reasons you feel good about- more power to you. Don't worry about convincing your friend- she obviously has her mind made up!
I personaly don't think I would ever change my name. I am the last person in our family with my name, and it is also important to me as an artist. I guess I also don't understand why a man's name should take precident. I view man and woman as equal partners, so I wouldn't follow tradition personally, just to follow tradition. But it sounds like you have thought-out conviction about it, and maybe don't identify that much with the name you were given at birth, viewing your change in names just a change from one man's name to another's.
FI wants to take my name because his last name was made up by his Grandma. I knew a prof is college who married a woman and their little girl took her name, and their son took his.
For me, personally, being a feminist is about choice. If I want to take my husbands name, I will, if I dont, I will keep my own. There is no "right" answer, just what is right for you.
I have often felt a bit like a contradiction to profess to be a feminist, but then at the same time I cannot wait to have the same name as my partner. If I felt strongly about my last name and my identity tied up with it, then I would keep my surname, but I don't. What I am looking forward to is the significance of creating our own family name, and beginning our new life together as a family.
I loved reading all these responses! Thank you for posting all views. I agree my friend was out of line...I was quite taken a back actually. I was never *forced* to the decision. I've though about all pro's and con's...the main thing that made me want to change was actually my mom more than my father. My name wasn't just a link to him, it was a link to HER, to my siblings, and I want that for my children.
@cbee I actually have a very strong link to the name I was given, but it's more important to me to give that link to my children than to keep mine. After 27 years my relationship with my parents and siblings has evolved beyond the name, but the name really rooted me while growing up.
@BostonBaby I loved this! "Believing that women are blindly subjugated by men is reinforcing that image; voluntarily taking my husband's name when it is not required proves I am confident in my self-identiy as a woman."
And I'm going to point out to her that it being my CHOICE to make should be "feminist" enough for her! I love that such a heated topic was eloquently spoken about by you all :)
I am keeping my name. It never considered the alternative but I definitely agree that it should be every woman's personal choice.
But I am surprised that so many people think it would be a big deal for a mother and father to have different last names. There are a large number of countries in which the women traditionally retains her name after marriage and they don't have a problem.
(from Wikipedia)
Belgium
Cambodia
Iceland
Spain
Chile
Brazil
Portugal
Italy
China
Korea
many Arab countries
Malaysia
@cakegal:Also in Canada, in the province of Québec, women can not change their name to their spouse's name - but that doesn't apply to the whole country...
Feminism has a lot to do with having the freedom to make one's own decisions. Another part of feminism is to show support of our fellow sisters.
So in my mind, you friend is not a true feminist. She's likely just a trouble maker.
I consider myself a feminist to some degree. I also plan to take my Fiances name because I think it will make feel more like a family. I think women should have the right to make their own choicesl
@monitajb: I think you raise an important point. I think part of this also reveals how feminism has shifted generationally. (warning: broad, sweeping historical generalizations ahead. Remember there are exceptions to every rule 
) The feminists who came of age in the 70s and 80s were facing so many obstacles that for any individual woman who considered herself to be a feminist to make a more traditional choice was considered a sort of betrayal of the ideals. They were fighting for the right to have careers or the right to keep their names without being maligned as betraying their families. So in many of their minds, for a woman who considered herself to be a feminist to choose to change her name or to choose to stay home would have been akin to a black person during the civil rights movement to choose not to vote, once they had gained that right. Who would make that choice? It seemed crazy to them!
Now of course we are still dealing with many of those problems today. Women still make less than men, still face unfair expectations that men do not face (like changing their name), still face horrible stereotypes (the idea that anyone who calls herself a feminist must be some man hating femi-nazi comes to mind) etc. However I think that, since we've been in the fight for a little while longer now, and we've made some important gains, the feminists of today are a little more relaxed about the idea that there are many valid choices in life. Not every woman has to make the same choice to be considered a feminist. Yeah, some of the old attitudes are still out there (as evidenced by your friend) and it does make some feminists (like myself) sad sometimes that when the goal is "family name" it's almost always assumed that it will be the woman changing her name to reach that goal. However to me and most other feminists today, working towards making all name choices socially valid (including women keeping their names, women changing or hyphenating their names, and even men changing their names) is more important than making sure that all women attack the inequality of naming patterns in the exact same way.
So anyway, that's my take on the whole matter. As to the "why take my father's name over my husband's" question, I guess I would say that if a whole generation of children came up with a wide variety of choices (hyphenated, children with mom's name, children with dad's name, children with a combo name) then the question would be moot for them. Because the larger social structure that assumed that women would have either their father's name or their husband's name would be gone. Every family would choose the name that was right for them- regardless of the gender of the person who was bringing that name to the marriage.
not a "feminist" by the "femi-nazi" term of the word, but i do believe in choice for women - as long as its equal choice and not dumbing it down for them to meet a quota.
so that being said. i am keeping my name and adding his. Why? because for the last 10 years i have studied the geneology of my family. and i know how hard it is to find out who people are when names are just dropped out of the blue. i also know how hard it is to find people when they DONT take the hubby's name.
so i am doing both LOL
I don't view my last name as "my father's name" - it is MY name. Yes, technically it is my father's last name, and his father's, and on and on. But more than that, it is MY name. I am not taking my FH's name, because I don't like how it sounds with my first name, but more importantly, I love my name, and I don't feel like I have to give that up to create an unified family going forward. My family - the one I create with FH and our future children - as well as the one that includes my parents and his parents, and our siblings and crazy cousins - isn't dependent on what anyone's last name is.
FH and I present a unified front, and a family, without me giving up MY name.
I asked the same question years ago when I married for the first time and pondered all of this. Why is it any better to have my father's name vs. my husband's? I couldn't see any real difference. Yea, my mom and I share a surname along with my brother, but I know my mom has no attachment to that name and thinks of it as my father's name. She just kept it after the divorce so we (the kids) wouldn't have a name different from hers. When I married the first time, I kept my name because I didn't like my husband's surname with mine, it was too rhymy, and he didn't care, but my MIL took extreme offense to my decision.
FI and have talked about this a lot. In some ways it is different nw; I am marrying a woman! FI is going to be changing her name before the wedding and after I will change mine to match. She is changing her name to embrace the side of her family that has been there for her (vs. the name she carries).. I like that name and am glad to be rid of my father's name.
In my genealogy research though, I did actually discover that one of my family names on my mom's side is metronymic; that is, it was formed from the MOTHER'S first name and has no patrilineal link. I found one on my dad's side like that too, and it was intriguing.
Honestly I think it is such a personal decision and I absolutely hate it when other people try to lecture you about it.. especially if you hadn't even asked her what she thought! (the same thing has happened to me in the past) I think you are completely right in pointing out that you are changing one man's name for another and in that instance is it really more feminist to keep your old last name. My thoughts on it is that it is going to be your name for life and the only time you will ever be able to change your name again without going to a court house. If you really want to talk feminism I say, do what YOU want to do because that is what you want do for yourself whatever that choice is-- to me that is the ultimate feminist stance you can take on this issue. :)
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