Post # 1
For all of you who are an introvert!!!!
How do you deal with getting your feelings hurt, being upset/emotional, being angry, etc? Usually if FH and I disagree on something, he hurts my feelings unintentionally, or I get angry about something- It’s over. I have no desire to talk or explain how I feel, half the time I’m trying to figure out why I’m even upset/mad. He on the other hand will talk for an hour nonstop about how he feels, what he thinks, rationalizing my behavior, all this mess. And I just don’t want to talk, I don’t want it to fester, but I just want to sit & get over it in silence.
We are both really even tempered thank the lord. But when it does occasionally happen it consists of me sitting quietly staring at the wall or getting all tearyeyed & him talking my ears off.
We go to marriage counseling once a month & our pastor keeps telling us to meet in the middle- he needs to talk less, I need to talk more. He isn’t a mind reader and he doesn’t deserve to not know what’s going on in my brain.
Basically, I would like to hear from some real people! An introvert bee, or even extroverts who SO is introvert? How do you handle things like this?
*This isn’t a post about problems between FH & I, this is just some general info & I’m curious to see how other people deal 🙂
I showed him this, it’s really beneficial :}
Post # 3
I’m an off the charts introvert on every test I’ve ever taken. Luckily FI seems to only be a moderate extrovert because otherwise the relationship would take quite a bit more work. As it is, we just make sure to be sensitive to each other’s needs like all couples should, and we both make an effort to be clear about what we really need/want in conflicting situations.
Example: after a long day hanging out with his friends (fun but yes long), he makes a point to ask me what I need during the evening, and I make sure to be honest even if it means making him sit in silence while I cuddle next to him reading a book. He’s so sweet about it actually. When we’re out and about, he does little check ins with me to see if I need to take a short walk away from crowds/noise. When I know he’s had a stressful day, I’ll be the one to suggest going out to the bar to throw some darts or something. At the very least, I’ll do my best to stay upbeat and engaged while he chatters chatters chatters away.
We’ve only had a few actual fights as opposed to the normal little disagreements, and we’ve learned how far to push and when to back off. I can only take so much talking-through, and then I need to walk away. Also if I’m suuuuuper angry, I can’t even start talking yet, and he respects that. Once I get myself under more control, I respect his need to talk it out. Like your pastor says, we meet in the middle.
Post # 4
@futurepilotswife_: P.S. I love that list!
Post # 5
My sister is a SUPER extrovert, but she deals with emotions like a super introvert!
The only way she can talk about her emotions is by texting them to you from another room!
Post # 6
@futurepilotswife_: Great post, I’m realy interested in the replies.
Those tips in that list are super useful!!
I’m extremely introverted, as in 100% on every test. It can take me days of silence to recover from socialising and talking lots.
Luckily my husband knows me very well and he is a mixture of introvert and extrovert; he is one of the few people other than my parents who understands my needs. We talk about things a fair bit but he is un-demanding and weirdly doesn’t overwhelm me like most other people do. He is happy to socialise with friends once a week while I stay home and read, sleep and recharge etc, and this enables me to have the mental energy to socialise now and then.
Actually the relationships I struggle with are the ones with friends/acquintances & relatives who do not understand me, and will not leave me alone or stop pressuring and hassling me to socialise over and over and over to the point where I feel like I will break. It’s really tiring and hard to keep explaining that I am not bored, depressed or lonely, and that I just want to spend quiet time alone as I need to!!! 🙂
Post # 7
@futurepilotswife_: I am an extrovert marrying an introvert. I am just like your FH and need to talk through any issues we have right away. My FI needs time to think through things before he talks. The way we deal is I write all of my feelings down in a letter while he takes his time thinking (or not thinking LOL) about stuff. Depending on the fight, he’ll either answer my letter in whatever medium he chooses (verbally or via writing/text) or not answer at all.
This gets him what he needs and I get to express my feelings right away which I need. Another thing I need, as an extrovert, for certain disagreements is for my FI to give me some sort of response. To prepare him for this, I tell him in my letter that I expect and need a response. I don’t ask for it for all arguments but the more important ones I do which allows him to know that the situation and his understanding my feelings about it is important to me.
If you ever want to chat more or get a view from an objective extrovert, feel free to PM me!
Post # 8
I am like you and have just recently realized through reading posts on here and elsewhere on the internet that its totally normal. I thought something was wrong with me, because for my whole life, I have been unable to talk about problems right away when I am upset. It’s always been an issue.
I think it stemmed from the fact that my dad used to have these really long “talks” with me about serious things when I was little when my parents were getting divorced and I would just shut down and not talk, and he wouldn’t let me go until I did.
It used to cause problems between me and my SO (and all of my previous exs) but he has recently became more understanding as I have been showing him the same resources I’ve found for myself. He used to get upset that I wouldn’t say anything and I’m just sitting there like “I literally have nothing to say right now.”
What works for me is usually letting the situation diffuse and not talk for awhile, a few hours, a few minutes. And then I either talk to him again or send him a text when I’m ready, whichever is more convenient (sometimes he is at school/work by the time I’m ready). I’ve also found that texting is a lot easier to get my emotions across because I can read them over a few times and accurately describe them.
sorry for the long response!
Post # 10
@wouldyoukindlyy: I liked your response, it really struck a chord with me! When I am not in a good mood my desire to talk is always the first thing to go- I thought I was the only one who sometimes just plain doesn’t have anything to say! I also prefer writing, I am a much more effective communicator when I have time to think and process.
I’ve been with SO for almost 7 years and he has gotten so good at handling my personality- he can always tell right away when I am being “quiet” and will ask me what’s wrong, but won’t push the subject if I’m not responding. He also understands that long periods of socializing are pretty exhausting for me, and that Friday nights are my time to recover from the week- NOT to go out and party!
This kind of thing takes compromise but also a lot of time- it is one aspect of our relationship that has gotten better over the years.
Post # 11
@futurepilotswife_: I am definitely introverted too, but so is my SO so that makes it easier. I had huge problems in my last relationship where my ex wanted to go and hang out with people and party all the time when all I wanted was quiet evenings at home!
I am not sure that all your fights are because you’re introverted, though. I’m about as introverted as they come, but I am the one who talks my SO’s ears off when it comes to my anxieties, fights, etc. (but then I often go over stuff in my mind a zillion times too!). He keeps his emotions bottled up in general, but I think that’s more typical guy than typical introvert.
I think the key is to just know each other and know what to expect. By now, I assume he knows how you react, and vice versa so it’s not at the stage where everything is taken personally.
Just give each other space where needed. Him space to go out and socialize, him giving you space to be alone etc.
Post # 12
I love all of you! I really thought something was wrong with me too @wouldyoukindlyy:! The point where if he wants to talk about something I sometimes cry. I literally have nothing to say & I feel so bad for it! There are no words & half the time my brain is blank & has already shut down.
@HisMoon: Great insight! FH is really good about not hounding me & when we get invited to engagement parties, hangout with strangers with one common friend he is okay, that I’d rather stay home. I’m really glad you and yours sort through it so well, it’s really great.
@BrewCityBRIDE2014: That’s actually a really great idea, I’ll have to tell him about that. I think that would help him ease up when he needs to talk. They are loooong talks and make me more tense/upset, letters would be good. Sometimes I need time to rationalize things myself.
@canarydiamond: yeah that’s great, he loves crowds & he is so good with them! He’s really good with me when it comes to disagreements & such. Thanks for the advice!! :}
Post # 13
Oh my gosh. This sounds SO MUCH like my husband and I. We had such issues with this. We had to go to therapy to really get a handle on how to deal with eachother in a better way. It’s taking time, and patience but we are definitely in a much better spot. I totally get it. We realized we both typically want to communicate in the same way, but we just approach it differently. He would take things personally, and think I was evading things I would think he was talking over me and teling me what was going on without giving me a chance to say my side of the conversation.
Like I said. Practice, practice, practice. One book that has helped us too is Couple Skills. They actually give you exercises and tell you how to practice learning to communicate differently. Both that book and the therapy have helped a ton.
Post # 14
Also…maybe find someone that specializes in couples, outside of your pastor. We had to find a few different therapists before we found one that worked for us.
Post # 15
I’m an introvert and my FI is an extrovert, but the behaviour you’re describing doesn’t apply to us at all. I think it would be interesting for you and your SO to take a Myers-Briggs; the differences might have more to do with some of the other dimensions of your personality types.
Post # 16
I’m highly extroverted while FI is high introverted. I’ve always hated those “how to care for introverts” tips. Those are just tips on how not to be an asshole.