An issue with +1's

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee

@MsBark:  Most properly, you should not be writing “plus one” or “and guest” on any invitations, and no-one should think about inviting anyone to accompany them whose name does not appear on the invitation. Every one of your guests has a right to be invited by name, in an invitation sent to his or her own house; and everyone who crosses the threshold on the night of your party is your guest — not a second class “guest of guest”; not some “real” guest’s accessory.

Your job, as hostess, is to ensure that all of those guests are seated with pleasant table-mates with whom they can have pleasant conversation and who dance with them — and others —  on a casual no-permanent-commitment-required basis.

If you find that a challenge and figure you need to invite a few plus-ones to make it work, then you call up the person to whom you want to “give a plus-one” and ask “is there anyone you would like me to invite?” You get that person’s name and address and send them their own invitation, or you say “no, I am not considering so-and-so; is there anyone else?”

But in the end, you are responsible for everyone you invite. You are responsible for their safety, comfort and entertainment; and you are responsible to all of your other guests to ensure that each person you invite is someone you would want to introduce them to.

 

Post # 4
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@aspasia475:  I have a question about this.  Wouldn’t it be strange for the person you’re inviting with a +1 to have to tell you who they want to ask before they themselves are even invited?  And wouldn’t it be really strange for the +1 to receive an invitation to the wedding of a person they may not even know?  I’ve always wondered about this.

Post # 5
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@aspasia475:  What are the guidelines if your guest does not know who their +1 would be at the time the invitations are going out, but you still would like to extend a +1? Some guests might be single and not have someone in mind that far in advance.

Post # 6
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@oneofthesethings:  I’m curious about this as well! It’s one thing if I’m inviting my friend’s BF who I know or I can assume has at least heard of me, but if it’s a random date? I know I would be confused to receive a wedding invitation from someone I’d never heard of!

Post # 7
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@aspasia475:  I’ve never heard of anybody doing plus ones this way?

It has been my experience that a plus one is usually listed on the invite, and when you RSVP you list your plus one’s name.

That being said…

@MsBark:  I think because you are on unfriendly terms with the person your friend wants to bring it’s okay to politely explain that she is someone you don’t get along with and that you do not want her at your wedding, and explain to your friend that she could possibly bring someone else. HOWEVER if you really feel like all five single people would bring people you already chose not to invite to your wedding then just don’t offer them a plus one, OR you have to deal with them bringing whoever they chose.

Post # 8
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@aspasia475:   Nailed it!

You’re under no obligation to invite strangers or people whom you dislike to your wedding.

Most people here go by the “social unit” rule, where if someone is married, engaged, or cohabitating with a partner, you should invite their partner. I don’t think this is a rule you can NEVER break, but it pretty much applies….but it doesn’t sound like it matters in your case.

You can calmly and politely tell your friend that you won’t be able to include (person you hate) in your day, but you’re excited to tell her that you’re definitely inviting (other people she knows and likes.) 

As PP said, if you feel you need to give them a “+1” you can just nicely ask if there’s someone special to them who they would like you to invite. It may be nicer for everyone involved if you also find a chance to meet this person before the wedding.

 

Post # 9
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee

@nattiejeanne:  Doing plus ones this way shows respect to them as persons rather than treating them as someone’s accessory. It is the practice required by “proper” etiquette. As you may have noticed, there are many requirements of “proper etiquette” that the average person does not practice. You always have the choice of employing standard etiquette, or of following some other standard.

@pineapplez17:  If a guest does not have someone in mind, they do not name anyone; and go to the wedding “stag”. The hostess does her seating plan with that in mind, and makes a point of introducing him to people so he doesn’t feel isolated. If he does this often enough; and has a poised, friendly manner; maybe he finally meets a lovely girl who is also stag, and the two end up falling in love, and forty years later are still telling the romantic story about meeting at a wedding.

Or maybe he just has a good time, eats, drinks, talks to people, dances with his hostess and her kinswomen, and goes home. It is possible to have a good time without bringing a date.

Post # 10
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@aspasia475:  I’m aware that it is possible to have fun without a date. However, there are a lot of people that follow the “Everyone over 18 gets a +1” or who believe you should offer a +1 to members of the bridal party (I agree with this). How is that polite to your guest if you force them to come up with their +1 on the spot simply so you can send their +1 an invitation by name?

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