Weddingbee boards

Dear Friends, Family, Coworkers, and Acquaintances:

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

If you know of a lady in waiting, do not ask her any questions regarding engagement unless she has said something to you about it.

I know you mean well, but to put it frankly, you're probably doing more harm than good in mentioning it. And especially, do not pull her aside IN FRONT OF her significant other and quietly ask if there have been any developments. On some level, I'm sure he would know what you're referring to. And if he had no idea? He'd definitely have some idea when he hears his beloved say "No, not yet... I'll let you know when it happens." Give the poor guy a break. Regardless where you feel they should be at in their relationship, he IS madly in love with her and wants to be with her forever.

Trust me, even if you're someone she barely talks to... that doesn't matter. The second he asks her to be his wife, or the second she even knows ANYTHING remotely close to when that will happen, she will be so happy, she will want to tell the entire world. And she'll more than likely tell you. I promise you that. I'm sure if she knew anything, you would know as well. This is why you have to vow to stop asking her questions about this subject. Yes, we know you mean well. We know you care about her and want her to be happy.

But I assure you, every single time anything engagement-related is said to her, and the love of her life has yet to ask, it breaks her heart a little inside. Each day that goes by without that taking place is just a reminder of what she wants so badly...and the fact that she just hasn't had her turn yet. Something that for one reason or another, she has to wait for. Granted, it will be fabulous when it finally does happen, you and I both know she will be giddy with excitement.

However, for the time being, any time you even so much as breathe the words have you guys talked...why doesn't he want....has he said anything....he should just do it already....what's taking him so long...

YOU ARE SUCKER PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH AND PUTTING A DAGGER INTO HER HEART.

You are NOT helping the situation in any way, shape, or form. In fact, you're probably making it a little worse, despite your best efforts. All you are doing is reminding her that her man hasn't picked her officially to be his wife yet, he hasn't stepped up and made that commitment. And you know what that does to her? It makes her question him. It makes her question their relationship. Even though she has found the man of her dreams and they both KNOW they want to grow old together. All the questions, prodding, and snide comments you make can cause unnecessary pressure and pain in their life together. Do you really want that for her? Do you want her to go home and cry after talking to you? Because more often than she cares to admit, that is something that is a very real possibility. She is already frustrated enough with the waiting, she doesn't need you to put salt in her wounds. And that is exactly what you do each and every time you mention anything. You are dumping huge amounts of salt in her wounds.

And another thing... why on earth are you even making these comments to her? She is not the one who does the asking (although in some cases she may be). She is not the one who isn't ready. She cannot read her man's mind or know his every single thought. SHE IS NOT HIM. So stop asking questions that only pertain to him and what HIS hold up is. Because no matter how many conversations they have had on the subject, good or bad, she cannot 'make' him ready. Nor does she want to. She wants him to become 150% ready to be her husband ON HIS OWN ACCORD. She doesn't want to have to cry, beg, plead, or convince him why they should take this step. She wants him to realize he cannot live without her and just has to make her his wife all by himself.

Believe me, if you can just bite your tongue or say something else when you want to talk about her getting engaged, you will help her out so much. She will feel more relaxed, she won't have getting engaged on her mind 24 hours a day, and will be able to just BE HAPPY with where they are in their relationship right now. Sure, she will have her down days. But because no one will be asking her about it constantly, interrogating her about things that are completely beyond her control... it won't be her sole focus.

This is what we want people! Because the second she stops thinking about it all, she feels free and goes back to being the happy-go-lucky, fabulous, amazing woman that her guy fell in love with. And I can bet, that's when he'll really start thinking about that next step.

So for future reference, just keep this in mind:

When it happens, you will know. The less you say about anything, the closer she will be to her dream come true.

And perhaps the most important thing to remember:

This is something in her life that is totally beyond her control. It is pointless to ask her why things aren't happening, or when they will happen, because she has no control over this.

See my point?

Let's say you took your car in to get worked on, and it was taking longer than you expected. Now, let's say you know absolutely NOTHING about fixing cars. And I mean nothing. Now you know your car is a very reliable car, but for some reason, it's just this one thing that's causing problems with it. Your mechanic is just plain awesome, one of the best. But on this particular visit, he has no idea what's up with the car. He can't even so much as give you a timeframe for when it will be done. Though this doesn't sit well with you, you trust your qualified mechanic. You know he will do his best and get everything sorted. Now I'm sure you'd get frustrated pretty quick if people kept coming up to YOU and asking YOU why it was taking so long for the mechanic to finish, what the hold up was, when it was going to be done, what his reasoning is for it not being done, what's wrong with him, what kind of mechanic does this, etc. I'm sure you'd be upset if people walked up and suggested to you that you should just up and get rid of both the car and the mechanic with it taking so long.

I want you to think about the above example any time you go to talk to your lady in waiting. Instead of asking about her pending engagement, just ask how she's doing that day. You'll keep her happy by doing that. Before you know it, one day when you ask how she is, she'll beam that her love asked for her hand.

Thanks for reading,

-Lady In Waiting

AMEN!!!

That does explain why I sometimes have questioned our relationship. I don't think it's so much that I don't think we are going to make it as it is more of when people ask me and I don't have an answer for them it makes me try to find an answer as to why we aren't engaged and that leaves open questions. Then I start wondering if I'm good enough for him, and think maybe that's why he hasn't asked, and then the snowball just keeps rolling....

She wants him to realize he cannot live without her and just has to make her his wife all by himself.

This is so true. This is why I have vowed to stop asking him about it--because I dont want to feel like I made him do it, I want to know that he loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me on his own accord, not because I annoyed him enough to do it.

Amen, sister.  Couldn't have said it any better myself. :-)

Thanks guys!! I'm glad you liked it! I just really felt like I needed to get some stuff out today... last week was full of people asking me questions and making comments, then the other night my SO and I ran into an old coworker and she pulled me aside and started asking questions right in front of him. I thought it was rude, actually. I know she meant well but I mean come on... he had to have known.

That was when I kinda felt like okay, enough is enough and the idea for this letter was inspired! :)

Fantastic work -- SO true!  *claps*

@LetsGoPens: HAHA oh my god that just made my day!! That'd be sweet.

You guys are freakin' awesome. It feels good knowing you guys can relate (well, I wish none of us were in this position but you know what I mean haha).

I read it a couple times before posting, and I find it just helps me say a big 'F off' to the people who bug me. It's exactly like yellowlinedpage said about the snowball effect the line of questioning has on us... which sucks, because we aren't our guys. I will never understand why people think it's okay to make these comments to us. And that's the crappy thing about it, is that it does make us doubt things from time to time and puts us through the Waiting Cycle over and over again.

I almost wanted to post this on my facebook lol, but decided against it. Part of me wants my SO to read it as well, just to know what I'm going through. But for now I'm undecided on if I just want it for my eyes or not (and yours heh)

Thank you everyone for all your awesome comments! Makes me feel great, I'm glad you guys love it. Hopefully you guys can use it as I will... just think of this letter whenever someone starts harassing you. You can just smile and even bring up the mechanic example, or ask them a super random question about something they would have no control over themselves! :) Heck you could even bookmark it for the harder days! I found I felt way better about waiting even just proofreading it earlier today lol... I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders.

@Wonderwoman217: I feel so honored that you would like to post it on your facebook! Go for it!! :)

This is pure GREATNESS!!!! Love It! Bravo Bravo Bravo! SNAP SNAP SNAP....(snaps like at a spoken word event) haha...LOL

Oh my word I wish I could send this to my WHOLE FAMILY and all of my family's friends I am so sick of hearing about it. I'm sure if they knew all the secret tears of frustration they wouldn't ask so many questions. But unfortunately I fear starting a chain mail to everyone I know would cause some issues lol.

I completely agree with this, and it's so eloquently put. It's how I felt, every single time someone would ask about my FH and I. I realized through other sites that not everyone agrees or understands this point of view, and I just ask that they give us girls who didn't/don't have the easiest 'waiting period' a break.

@authentic and everyone else on this board.. of course your man loves you and don't let other people get to you. It's about you and him, no one else.

YES. This is amazing. I'm favoriting this!!

Pure awesomeness. THANKS!!

Thank you all for the lovely comments and kudos! <3

I'm really happy everyone enjoyed this post. Corny as it sounds, it just came from my heart after a particularly rough week enduring questions from people. I'm glad someone can take something from it and relate!

I came across some other replies about it in the Blog section... just wanted to touch on it again here. I know not every Lady in Waiting experiences what I have, I just want everyone to know I wasn't trying to speak for every woman in a relationship. If you can relate and this makes you feel a little better from time to time, awesome. If not, that's fine too... I just don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to speak for everybody with this letter. It was literally just from my gut, I just wanted to write my frustrations out at the time. My thoughts were if someone could relate, fabulous. If not, at least I got to write a fun new piece and clear my head at the same time! :)

@DollyLava: To touch on your question, I don't even go to the Planning parts of the boards, ever. I only come to the Waiting section. The reason I do is because it really helps me feel better when I have a tough day.

As tea said:

"the thing is, the board actually helps deal with these things, linking us with likeminded people who understand the process and can offer support and advice just as brides-to-be have found support with people also dealing with the ups and downs of planning a wedding.

the questions are going to happen. and tension might happen, depending on the situation. the waiting community helps people to be able to navigate those feelings."

As well, like tea, I was getting questions about when we'd get engaged long before I even came across the boards, let alone joined! I only joined when I started getting really antsy about getting engaged.

And believe me, though there's a chance you may think otherwise, it's helped me and my relationship out beyond belief by having this outlet. Having other people in the community able to relate to how I'm feeling is just a bonus and helps me keep a calm head about me. Which in turn benefits my relationship.