Post # 1
I hope there is at least one other person out there who can relate to this.
My boyfriend proposed on Saturday.
And I didn’t answer.
To be fair, he didn’t ask me to answer. He set up a gorgeous setting with flowers and candles, he made an eloquent proposal, he told me that he knew and understood that I still had some hesitance, and then he put the ring in my hand. Not on my finger.
He gave it to me to put on when I was ready. The ring is exactly what I want, and gorgeous.
Well, I think I’m ready to say yes, but how can I make that as special for him as he wanted his original proposal to be? This is way more significant for him, and I know I broke his heart a little when I didn’t immediately put the ring on my finger.
Post # 3
I haven’t been in this situation, but wha about setting up a lot of candles or something nice like that for when he gets home. As soon as he gets there, tell him how much you love him, how much you love the ring, and how you would love to be his wife- forever. I’m sure it would mean a lot to him to hear how you feel, then say “Yes, of course I’ll marry you”. Good luck!
Post # 4
I agree with PP. Then I would hand the ring back to him and allow him to put it on your finger himself. It’s a big deal for a guy to propose and be able to put that ring on you.
Post # 5
What are your hesitations?
ETA: I turned down a proposal once. He was a very, very nice guy. We were close, had a great friendship, he had a lucrative career and was very intelligent. We dated for about a year off and on. All along in our relationship I’d tried to keep things kinda light with him and let him know I wasn’t interested in being exclusive or too serious with him. When he proposed I had to tell him, “I love you, but I am not in love with you. I care for you deeply as my friend and I hope you understand. I have tried to be honest with you all along.” He did admit that he knew how I felt and that he still wanted to marry me anyway, he said, “You’ll learn to love me.” Well, needless to say I turned down his proposal and we broke it off completely. I cared about him, but I didn’t feel that “special spark” of being passionately in love the way I feel for my now-FI. I’m so glad I didn’t marry someone who I knew in my heart wasn’t the right one for me, even though he was a very good guy and right for someone else.
Post # 6
I’ll admit, I kinda did a face palm when I read this (and maybe or maybe not said “ohh man!” out loud). My heart broke for your soon to be FI, but in all fairness when you’re not ready you’re NOT ready and shouldn’t ever feel forced to say yes b/c you feel guilty or bad. So, I’m kinda proud of you for not caving for any reason and for making sure you are actually ready before saying “yes”. I like the idea of doing something special, tell him how much you’d love to be his wife and handing the ring back to him to put on your finger. Good luck to you guys and congrats!
Post # 7
I really cant answer this because I dont know your situation exactly. Why does he know that you’re not ready yet? What is holding you back?
I did not answer a proposal from a boyfriend, and ultimately, I turned it down. We had a ton of emotional and physical issues (cheating on my half and physical abuse on his) and I felt like his proposal was me setteling for something less than what I wanted and him trying to fix all of our problems with a ring and a promise. It was a great decision that did lead to our breakup. But it was (obviously!) all good in the end.
Post # 8
ummmm…..lots of candles, rose petals on the bed, wearing only the ring? 😉
Post # 9
How about proposing back to him? In my opinion that’s the best way to show that you’re not only saying “yes” to him, but that you’re really in 100%.
Post # 10
I’d do something really subtle to catch him off guard. Like hint that he’ll have to refer to you as wife or fiance. Like if you’re going to a family/friend thing just whisper in his ear “I can’t wait for you to introduce me as your fiance/wife” FI calls me his wife all the time, even though its not legal yet. It’s cute because it catches me off guard and makes me swoon a little more at the idea each time.
Post # 11
@ccantics: Oooh, that would be great! I can see it: ask him out for a nice dinner and meet him there. When the waiter comes by, order drinks and apps by saying “My fiance and I will be having…” and let your boy see the ring on your finger XD
Post # 12
If this is truly your decision, to marry him not because you’re feeling guilty, but because you truly love him, then I think you should propose back to him. Let him know that you are very sorry you didn’t answer right away, you had to think about it for a few days, that you love him with all your heart and want to be with him for the rest of your life! You should definitely wine and dine him for the night! Hope it all works out! Good luck!
Post # 13
@IrisEngaged: I’m confused…if your SO knew that you were still hesitant and might not say yes right away, why didn’t he wait a little longer until you were BOTH sure? It seems like he put you in a a really akward position for no reason.
Post # 14
I would take him out to a nice romantic place, someplace like a beach or a nice secluded area in a park. Then I would tell him how much I love him, yada yada cheesiness, and I would give him the ring so he can put it on my finger.
I also like all of the ideas with petals and whatnot.
Have you considered giving him a present yourself? And in the card, just write “I DO”.
But definitely let him put it on your finger. Guys love that.
Post # 15
Thanks for the suggestions! It turns out, the easiest thing to do was also the best. I stuck the ring on my finger and put a picture of it on facebook. Since I’m usually much more private than he is, the public acknowledgement was very gratifying to him.
@speechgal44: Yeah it was a manipulative thing to do. I love him anyway. Lord knows I have my faults… and those are the reason he did it. Because he knew I’d never be ready. I picture us getting old together etc etc, but the label of married… oh my. scary. I’m ok with ‘together forever’ talk in the abstract (heck, I even picked my engagement ring out online) but when I start thinking “marriage” I think of all the ways the marriages of people around me suck and I dont want it to be me!
Post # 16
I was so relieved to read your post. This EXACT same thing happened to me. My boyfriend & I had been dating for 3 1/2 years & he knew I didn’t want to get married but still proposed. He didn’t have as an elaborate setting as your fiance did, but neither one of us are romantic or like over the top displays of affection so he did his best considering the circumstances. I told him I would have to think about it and didn’t end up telling him OK until almost a week later. The thing is, my mom even told him that that would happen when he asked her permission & he said he expected me to do that too so it’s not like he was heart broken. What I did was leave him a note with the ring in the box on his nightstand that said “ask me again” & when he did I was a little more prepared.
as for @speechgal44‘s comments & your response-I totally agree it was manipulative, but I know that wasn’t his intention. I knew he had been wanting to get married for a long time but I’m the kind of person who needs to be pushed into big decisions or else i’ll never make them. & I am so with you with how scary it is. The thing is, we ended up getting married like, 10 days later (he’s in the military & was leaving so it was just a court house thing & only my mom was there) & it wasn’t scary at all! I always knew we’d always be together so it really didn’t change how I felt or anything. The thing that still terrifies me though is the actual WEDDING. Ugh, don’t even get me started.
ANYWAYS- I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! It was like reading my own thoughts & feelings when I read this- thank you so much! I hope everything goes well for you!