- 3 years ago
I go by a different username on this website. I joined the waiting list a VERY long time ago- my name was in the top ten when I gave up on renewing my waiting list status about a year ago.
My SO and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. We were young; we still are young, but 2 1/2 years into our relationship all of our friends were getting married, I had no financial means to go to college, and my life was incredibly boring. Seeing that my friends were getting married and I’d never once considered marriage with anyone before, I looked at my SO and decided I probably WOULD marry him one day.
Within 6 months I was obsessed – with dresses, venues, rings, diamonds, this forum…. he’d said a.couple times he was thinking of proposing. I think I mentioned something about all this in a previous post. I thought a proposal was coming and it never did. At one point he called me at work wanting to whisk me off to Hawaii for a week out of nowhere, and everyone around me was certain be was going to do it. But he didnt.
I was in a really dark place for a really long time. I would sit and read this forum and get depressed and angry. I tried the shut it up pact and I also did the “how to get him to propose” plan from Mr. Bee. I realized all this money I had been hiding in a shoebox in my closet could go towards school. Changed my hair, hung out with friends without him alot, started changing my style around… In my eyes, none of it was working. We’d been together for so long but he didn’t seem to care about proposing. I wondered why I was so inadequate. Right before our 5th year aniversary, I wrote a walking letter. It was just to vent my frustrations really. I hadn’t intended him to see it, but then he did, by accident.
He got extremely angry. We both did. We aren’t the couple that fights in public. Even if we are outright pissed at each other and not speaking we will maintain appearances in front of our friends. This fight was so bad that it became everyone’s business one night.
We became so dangerously close to breaking up that it scares me to this day. We came to an agreement, but it wasn’t the one I wanted this to come to. I started taking on an extremely heavy couseload so I not only would have no time to see him but I also would be so heavily burdened with the delicate balance of school, applying for scholarships, and work that I didn’t have time to think about my frustrations about not being engaged.
A year and a month after this terrible debacle with the walk letter later, we were doing a lot better. I wasn’t thinking about getting engaged, and the underlying resentment behind that wasn’t tainting my relationship. One day we ended up at a jewelry store. We picked out a ring together. I as so excited I called every single one of my friends the second he left for work that day. And then nothing.
After the walk letter incident, I was scared of getting in a fight again so I went head – first into school. Then his sister got engaged. He is an extremely respectful person. I immediately knew he wasn’t going to do anything until after she was married, so I forced myself to not think about how envious I was of his sister and that Our 6 year aniversary was coming up and I should just try to focus on enjoying my time with him. I found out I won a full-ride scholarship to my university. I decided I was going to go on a cruise by myself this summer as my personal treat to myself. I had managed to go through college thus far without going a penny into debt, and now I didnt have to worry about the fact that I was going to need to get loans if I wanted to think about getting my degree.
Three days before my departure, he decided to tag along. I was kind of annoyed. I wanted time away from him to clear my head and not think about my jealousy of his sister. After we got on the boat though, I realized how bad we needed a vacation like thus. We made some friends on the ship and when we docked at St. Thomas our friends seemed not one bit interested in hanging out with us like they had been the past 5 days of our trip. Right before we had to get back on the ship, he lead me down the beach and stumbled upon a path of roses. He kept insisting we should see where it should go but I told him that that was rude, and that someone was going to propose or something and we shouldn’t intrude just because we wanted to follow the trail to see where it goes. He dragged me down the pathway, and me, dumb and clueless, was scolding him for being so rude. When I saw the beach and flower petals that led to a huge heart someone had made with flameless candles, I was so shocked I couldn’t believe it.
He’d gotten 6 people who were practically strangers in on this. One was playing guitar and the other was snapping pictures on his DSLR. I was led into the heart where he got on a knee and I balled my eyes out. I packed his luggage and mine and I had no idea how he snuck the ring on board. Of course, I said yes!
It took 6 1/2 years of dating, living together, deciding to buy a house together, and several struggles along the way.
I just thought I wanted to leave this here for any waiting Bees struggling like I did, because if I could go back and tell my younger self that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I could have saved myself so much hurt and so many tears.
I also learned about myself a lot. I now realize this whole waiting dilemma I caused with my SO was because deep deep down, like subconsciously, my life was boring and there was a growing need to make it interesting. So what did I occupy my life with? Loathing, jealousy, and useless fights that I instigated, and if I hadn’t allowed myself to become so bitter he would have probably proposed earlier. When I made my life more interesting in ways that promoted my own personal growth, I was so much happier, people wanted to be around me more, and my relationship was much better.
I know this forum is a great place to sympathize with others and find a sense of togetherness because I personally know that waiting is an extremely isolating feeling, but when I stopped paying attention to this forum and stopped checking every week to see how low my number had gotten on the waiting list, things started to come together for me. I wasted so much time letting myself feel hurt, and it was such an easy thing to do that I didn’t even realize that I was the one making myself feel this was and for the longest time I blamed my own feelings on him instead of addressing my hurt and finding my own solution. There was a point where I almost lost the love of my life over it.
I hope this will encourage any bees experiencing these thoughts of inadequacy and disatisfaction with the current state of their relationship status and replace it with something positive, because I wouldn’t wish those feelings I let myself have on my worst enemy.