Post # 1
You guys always seem to know…so I need some help. Where do you draw the line with the “and guest”? My parents are paying for the “per head” seating at the hall (so the meals etc) and my mom has been pressuring me about the number of guests a lot. The number went up significantly. I have a large family and my Fiance has a very small fam and therefore invited a lot of friends instead.
Where did you guys stop the “and guest” on your list? Did you use the “only if they’re engaged of living together?” rule? What if the male guest that’s invited is in the bridal party but you’ve never met his girlfriend? Do you feel obligated to invite her?? This isn’t even an issue that’s come up, i’m just trying to be proactive I guess. I also have a Bridesmaid or Best Man who has been VERY casually dating a guy since last May (2010) and the guy has yet to make an appearance at a social event. We all suspect he isn’t serious about dating my friend and she has been assuming she gets a “and guest” b/c she’s bridal party but I don’t feel I should have my parents pay for a fellow to come to my wedding who i haven’t even met yet…Gimmie yor thoughts on all of this?? what did/are you guys doing? Lemme have it!! Thanks as always!
Post # 3
@AlmostVangor: I’m giving all of my bridal party a plus one if they want it (even though some are not dating anyone).
Everyone else gets a plus one only if they are married, engaged, or living together.
Post # 4
We’re giving everyone a plus one, but typically it’s if:
- They’ve been dating over a year
- They’re engaged or married
- Wedding parties typically get a plus one
Does that help? You don’t have to stick to these rules exactly, but that’s what I’ve gathered is ‘appropriate,’ lol.
As far as your friend who has been dating the guy for a year, how does she see their relationship? If she thinks they’re serious, I would consider inviting him.
Post # 5
Here was our thought process:
- Bridesmaids and groomsmen got a guest, period, whether they were dating someone or not. (Generally the wedding party is granted guests even when other invitees are not.)
- If they are engaged, they’re allowed a guest.
- We’re not differentiating between “living together” and “in a serious relationship” because we have never lived together, but we’ve been together for 5.5 years and were very serious for a long time (serious enough to be getting married!). So, if in a serious relationship, that person is invited.
- With friends who aren’t involved, we decided on a case-by-case basis whether they’d get a guest. For example, out-of-towners who may not know many people got a guest for sure. FI’s friends from college who will all be in attendance as a group? No guests necessary.
The “and guest” thing is such a hard issue. Even though we had a system, ours were not clear-cut either. I hope I helped at least a little…good luck!
Post # 6
If the person is over 18 they get an “and guest.”
Everyone is different. I did this because I know that a few people in my family would bring a guest whether he/she was invited or not. So, in order to avoid a fiasco of finding a seat for dinner for all the unannounced guests, I’m inviting all adults with a guest so that I know I have an exact head count. Also, I don’t want people to wonder why one cousin was allowed with a (uninvited) guest while another was not.
People such as my grandma who is widowed will not get a plus one because I know she would see that as odd.
Post # 7
@Gemstone: so true that even with a “system” there are exceptions! lol
yes, this Bridesmaid or Best Man friend still uses the wording “we’re just friends” to describe the guy that she’s “seeing”. yes they are intimate now…and I suspect the dude doesn’t want to meet her friends b/c he isn’t serious about her and feels bad about it. What do I want to avoid in that case? that she’s so totally focused on him that she basically goes through the motions of my wedding and the day is done and all she done is chase this guy all day and he ends up being the flavor of the moment. We, however, have been friends since we were 10.
And the groomsmen…yes, if he has a Girlfriend I guess we should invite her even if we haven’t met her at all then…My Fiance was in a wedding last year and I wasn’t invited to it. And it was a wedding in New Hampshire at this awesome castle-esque resort in the mountains and the brides family had MONEY. So I guess everyone makes up their own rules! but I was offended and I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else.
Post # 8
We’re only inviting +1s if they’re in a long-term relationship…if you just started dating a few months ago, no. There really aren’t that many single people on our guest list, though. Most are married, engaged or living together.
Post # 9
we gave a plus one if people were living together, engaged, married, is a sibling of ours or part of the bridal party.
Post # 10
My bf and I were JUST talking about this the other day and agreed that we would never, ever invite any single person alone. A wedding is fun with dancing, drinks, dinner conversation and often it’s romantic. I would never want to go alone to any wedding. We would do ‘and gues’ to everyone. We don’t care if they aren’t dating anyone – bring your bestie, bring your Mom, whatever. But I don’t think sitting around alone (even though people say ‘they’ll know people’ it’s not the same) at a wedding is going to be much fun for anyone…. But everyone thinks differently. In our circle of family/friends we’ve never encountered any kind of invite to someone single that didn’t say ‘and guest’ so WB is actually the first time I’ve heard of it.
Post # 11
Married and engaged couples are social units and have to be invited together. Some people include live-ins in the must invite category but I do not. I have no animosity towards living together (my husband and I did before we were engaged) but I don’t necessarily think it means a couple is more serious than a long-term dating couple that chooses to live apart for whatever reason. So if you include live-ins you should also include serious couples who don’t live together.
Obviously, the more inclusive you can be, the better.
ETA: we had VERY few single guests; the few that were got a +1 because we had the space and budget to accommodate them.
Post # 12
@luckyprincess: Couldn’t have said it better. And I don’t think I ever got an invitation when I was single that didn’t come with “and guest.”
Post # 13
1. Wedding Party members should probably get +1, even if they aren’t attached. And if your Bridesmaid or Best Man focuses on the guy, it’ll completely suck, but that’s on her. Don’t invite her without a guest just to try and orchestrate her behaving a certain way.
2. Engaged and living together/long-term relationships generally get a +1
That’s how I would cut it. If you are on a budget, anyone who doesn’t fall into category 1 or 2 doesn’t bring a guest.
The other thing is, to offer a different pov to @luckyprincess’ comment (and luckyprincess, I’m not necessarily disagreeing with your perspective), it’s not the end of the world to go to a wedding single–and some people actually prefer it because they’d rather not go through the song and dance of trying to find a date or attending a wedding with someone they don’t know too well. And in the end, if it comes down to your budget and you have to make some cuts, +1s are a courtesy, and not a requirement nor a breach of etiquette to omit (unless you’re omitting FIs and such). Those who really are that uncomfortable attending a wedding alone will use their own discretion and decline.
Post # 14
I appreciate that! thank you!
I actually am not oppossed to inviting single ppl without guest..I guess I should have added…I met my future husband in a wedding party and we were both single. Neither of us got “and guest” and look what happened! So I def don’t plan on inviting single, unattached ppl who are part of our “network” of friends to scrounge up a guest…I won’t allow my parents to pay for that. But def what you all are syaing about the living together/serious relationship- I totally agree. you do NOT have to be living tog to be serious or engaged! Guess i’ll have to let her make the call. But I will invite the groomsmen’s lady friend either way even though I never met her and nor has my Fiance. Thank you everyone for helping. I didn’t want ppl to come and have no clue I was offending ppl. Opinions help!!!
Post # 15
@JennyW1:+I agree that 1s are a courtesy. I don’t a bride is not required to give them to all guests.
But I also think the tendency to give out a lot of +1s may be regional. I grew up in rural Pennsylvania and most weddings I attended gave all single adults a +1. But then again, a lot of those wedding receptions were held in church halls, VFWs, etc., so the cost for some extra guests wasn’t that steep.
Post # 16
@AlmostVangor: Good! Glad I could help!