- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2008
I know I sound iike a broken record, but DH and I have recently moved. As in, a week ago. New city, away from family and friend, and we know no one.
DH started medical school this week. We had all of last week to adjust and unpack and explore together. But now, his journey begins. I have long since stopped calling it “our journey” because it really isn’t mine at all. I feel like I am just the tagalong.
Here’s the thing: we went through more than one application cycle for medical school. So, we both go to know what each school had to offer, more than once. For every school DH applied to, there was a corresponding on-or-off campus spousal and/or family group. Except for one. The one he chose to attend. I can’t fault him for this. The school he’s going to is excellent, highly regarded, and fairly prestigous. I couldn’t be prouder of him, and that is the honest truth.
But, it seems to be started. And by “it”, I mean the separation of medical student from family. And I don’t have to that bad–our family is just DH and I, and our dog. We don’t have kids. So, today’s orientation ended with a dinner to which each student could invite a plus one. I got ready, even curled my hair, and drove downtown to meet DH. Only to locate him and look around…realizing that everyone else there clearly had a “school of medicine M1” nametag. I was the only ‘plus one’ there. I was mortified. I don’t know why. I was uncomfortable, as they all discussed how excited they were to start the journey to MD, which specialities they liked, what to expect from classes, etc. I politely told DH I felt out of place being the only ‘plus one’ there, and headed back home.
I was just so embarassed. I don’t know why I went into this thinking that there was really going to be a place for me. Then when he came home, he took out some “what to expect” literature, and there was a packet listing all of the social activities that are held monthly, biweekly, or every semester. They all promote relationships between the students of all 4 years, doctors, professors, and faculty. There was no mention of these gatherings being an opportunity for SOs or families to also participate in these social events. In fact, the wording made it quite clear that these were exclusively for those pursuing an MD, or already posessing on.
And…you know what? That’s fine. This is his world, he should dive into it. But I can’t shake how isolated it made me feel because, as luck would have it–this is the ONLY school he interviewed and applied to that doesn’t have a similiar organization or opportunities for the families and spouses. I now realize how much I am missing out by not being able to participate in an organization that is comprised of people in the same boat as me.
And I know, yes…I could start one. But I”ve looked into it, and it requires quite a bit of approval from the university.
And yes, I know it could be ‘unofficial’. But here’s the other thing: of the people I’ve met (and I’ve met about a quarter of the M1 class during an informal cookout at a local park this past weekend so everyone could get to know each other) are all unattached. I dont know why I thought we’d run into many married, engaged, or seriously invovled couples. It was obvious that many of these people were single.
Yes, I am freaking out and having a ‘woe is me’ moment. But all of a sudden, I’m here in this still sort of unfamiliar apartment, in a city I am not quite clear on, trying to find a job, with no friends or family nearby. And a husband who is able to jump right into any number of events during which he can establish friendships and relationships. And none of them welcome guests or spouses (with the exception of today).
It’s only hard because I am feeling a bit of “I don’t know what will become of me” during this. It’s hard because I don’t have anything there (yet). It’s hard becuase I don’t know how I’ll fit into this. It’s hard because during panic moments I think “what if I go all 4 years without making many/any friends?”
And yes, part of me feels a little bitter that we are at the one school who doesn’t help us “med school tagalongs” assimilate into the change that is med school as well. I know I’m just partially being a brat but I feel as though the wives, husbands, partners, and families behind these future doctors are important too.
And before you judge me for sounding pathetic and pouty…I know that the responsibility is on me to get out there and find things in this new city and community that fulfill me. But it’s hard to think of that sometimes, espeically now. This huge adjustment is going to go far differently than I thought, and it’s just a little saddening.
Sorry this was so long. This is my venting space. And right now, I’m scared. Right now, I’m wondering “what have I done?” Meaning…I don’t know what I mean by that. What have I done by thinking I can do this? What have I done by pretending I’m strong when I’m really not? I will not ruin this for him. I will not taint this for him. I will not be the clinger who can’t find happiness without him. You cannot possibly know how proud I am of him. But I just….I just want to be a part of this, too. Even just a little bit. And it seems this school doesn’t find it necessary for that to happen.
It makes me jealous to see the other schools he looked at hosting potlucks or picnics or restaurant outings for just the spouses and families to get to know each other. All I have gotten was the opportunity to show up in a huge group of will-be doctors with my hair curled and purfume on. Feeling like a complete moron.
And then there’s the whole other issue of feeling like the start of this is “stealing” our newlywed months. Selfish, yes. I know.
And please–I know there are a thousand things I need to do for myself to find happiness and contentment in this change. I have thought extensively about this. This is a huge, unprecedented change for me. It is just a bad day, and a scary realization. Realzing that our “normal” just can’t be any more is hard for someone like me.