Weddingbee boards

Bees, I REALLY need some insight on this as it is causing me all kinds of angst.

I posted a few months ago about my worries concerning 2 cousins of mine who insist on bringing their children wherever they go, etc. FI and I decided to have only the wedding party children (4 kids) at our wedding due to financial and space issues, as well as the fact that it is an intimate, black tie optional evening event.

We tried to "prep" the cousins and whenever asked about the guestlist, we said very plainly that we would not be inviting children. They seemed to take it okay and we were feeling relieved.

So Monday night, Cousin1 calls me and tells me that she thinks it is important for her 14 year old daughter to attend. I calmly explained that it was not in our budget to include all of the kids (50+), nor was it appropriate for the type of wedding we have planned or the venue. She continued to lobby for her daughter's attendance and I calmly, nicely and patiently held my ground. She finally relented and asked that I discuss it with FI & if we ended up having extra seats to include the daughter. I told her we'd discuss it.

So Monday night, my 80 year old aunt (not her mother, her aunt too) calls me and tells me I am being selfish by not including Cousin1's daughter and her sister, Cousin2's sons. I was shocked and taken aback. I didn't want to rehash it or justify our decision so I just told her right away, "There is no point in discussing this, we have made our decision." My aunt continued to berate me & then said, "My daughter and I are willing to give up our seats so that'll cover 2 kids and we'll pay for the third one."

At that point, I lost it. I was trying to understand in what universe this conversation would be appropriate. I told her blatantly, "If you & your daughter don't want to attend our wedding you will be missed, but WE will decide who gets those seats or we'll just save ourselves some money if we so choose, but we are NOT inviting those kids." Now I am not one to be disrespectful to my elders and I usually try to keep the peace as family is very important to me, but I just felt that she took it too far. My aunt went on to say that she would also pay for a sitter to keep the kids in line and that I had no suitable response other than to relent and extend an invitation to the kids.So I asked her what I should do about the other 50 kids who cannot attend and then told her, "It doesn't matter what you and Cousin1 want, this is about FI AND ME! WE have decided what we want and we do not want the kids there."

My aunt then said in a very snarky tone, "Well I guess it is your wedding and you get to decide who comes; but you are selfish and you are making a rift in the family with this behavior." She then said, "Well BRIDEZILLA, I'll leave it at that with you and just make my case with all of the other parents in the family and then perhaps you'll have plenty of extra seats when no family members come. I'll send my reply card in the mail" and she hung up.

I was in tears half the night. FI said not to worry that the other family members will attend and if not, we'll just invite our friends since we B-listed 95% of our friends to accommodate our families. I am just incredibly angry and hurt. I want my family to attend my wedding, so part of me wants to give in to allow these 3 kids to attend, but how do I smooth that over with everyone else whose children are not invited to attend, especially FI's family?

The other part of me wants to just say "Forget it!" and take the loss on the money (evreything is paid in full except for the flowers) and just go to city hall.

Honestly, what would you and tell me please, was I out of line?

Anybody??

Thanks, Theresa90405 :-) I'm just speechless and confused. I would never feel it my place to try to influence who someone else invites to their event and this is terribly upsetting.

@smyley:

• All of the children but 1 (my godson) are family members. The kids meal is only available to kids under 8, after that they are full price (I'm not sure where you are, but in the NY/NJ area things are costly and we are over $100 per plate).
• I can also tell you that if we invite the kids, people will bring them. We even had a black tie 50th anniversary celebration several months ago and the cousins brought their kids despite being told not to, and the kids were rude and ill-mannered and turned the dancing for a bunch of 75 year olds into a mosh pit and the then 13 year old was caught more than once drinking alcohol (she is very well-developed & the bartender didn't realize she was a minor). They also played their nintendos and talked loudly during toasts and announcements since their mothers do not discipline them at all. The last family function where children were invited was this past summer (baby shower/bbq) and some of them even brought friends so their were more than 70 kids there.
• Invitations were sent 11/1
• It's not just about what we can afford, it's what we want. We wanted intimate, 25-30 people; but because of our huge families, that didn't include all aunts, uncles and 1st cousins, so we raised the number to accommodate them (which is 110). we each have 2 attendants who are not family and 2 frineds with spouses invited. Literally everyone else is family. We'd like to keep it at 100 people, with 110 being our max. We invited 140 and have 40 people on our B-list.
• I'm not sure if the threat was idle or not and I want to believe that only Aunt, her daughter & the 2 cousins would boycott the wedding, but I'm not sure.

You know, I invited tons of kids to my wedding, and loved having them there, but we had a less formal garden wedding.  If you guys have decided you don't want kids there, and feel that they're inappropriate to the feel of your wedding, that's within your rights. 

I understand your cousin asking nicely if you'll think about inviting her older daughter, but that should have been the end of it (even when the answer was "No, we love her, but can't include her this time").  However, your aunt's actions are completely out of line.  I would simply not say another word about it to any of your family members, and don't be bullied into inviting them.  These things tend to die down if you ignore them. 

@jo.lee: thanks, I needed the hug !

@futuremrsmorgan: Thank you! I tend to be a people-pleaser when it comes to my family so this is just unbelievable. But you are right, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to decide for myself (with FI of course). Thanks again!

And thanks to all who voted, also.

@smyley - Thanks (and I welcome all opinions, suggestions, etc. I appreciate hearing things from what might be the other party's point of view because it might help me see my flawed logic or that I am being harsh or inflexible).

@JrzyGurl: Thanks for your encouragement and you are a genius because I am going to call my mother and let her field this. Perhaps since she is my aunt's peer/contemporary, her words will hold more weight and she can smooth things over without giving in. I know that my mom is in full support of an adult evening. She will be hosting a brunch in our honor the morning after the wedding (we'll be leaving for the honeymoon) where kids are welcome and we are having a breakfast at our church the Sunday after we return from the honeymoon and the children are welcome at that as well.

Woo sah! Deep breaths and positive thoughts!

UPDATE

Thank you, Bees for your advice and support!

MOM to the rescue!! I called my mom & when she picked up the phone she said, "I've already handled it." Turns out that my aunt called her this morning, seeking to gain her support and have her "convince" me to reconsider.

Well, Super Mom told her she was out of line and owes me THREE apologies! One for butting in where she had no business, one for having the gall to speak to me the way she did and one for her general lack of manners as she should definitely know better. Mom also told her that this is the cousins' M.O. and "they are like broken records" and she is "breaking the needle here and now!" Mom told my aunt to come or not to come as she pleases, but that if she utters one negative word about FI & I and our decisions, all bets are off & she will "have to assume that senility has kicked in and look into assisted living" for her.(she is totally being sarcastic but I so love my mother's sharp tongue)

Mom then told me that she had "stopped by" Cousin1's house this morning with donuts and coffee for a chat (which she does somewhat regularly). She said that after exchanging pleasantries and enjoying their morning snack, Cousin1 felt at ease and then lobbied her for the cause. Mom shut her down immediately and told her, "The kids are not coming; PERIOD. AND, you are almost 55 years old and you are acting like a child, so I will treat you accordingly and let you know now that if you continue to bully your younger cousin—MY DAUGHTER—I will promptly punish you by giving you the timeout you so desperately need and I promise, it will take place during Tootie's wedding." She also told her that she owed me an apology and that instead of spending time lobbying for her child to attend an adult function, she should be parenting her child so that she "does not become a boorish, alcoholic adult." (I'm gonna' call my mom "Ginsu" from now on because her tongue and wit are razor sharp!!)

Just wow & go Mom!! Aunt called my office and I had them take a message, so I'll call her back when I get home.

I am doing the happy dance in my chair as I type and also laughing HYSTERICALLY @lisa105  because those are my aunt's initials, "T.B." Too funny!!

Thanks again for the support and the understanding! This is what makes WB so wonderful!