Post # 1
Seems like every post of mine is some form of whining, so I’m sorry for that! Just need to have a good vent & hopefully get some useful feedback on what to do!
I have been waiting things to turn pear shaped with my mother vs. stepmother with wedding stuff- of course it was only a matter of time!!
Background: My parents had been married for nearly 30 years, when my father met a much younger lady at work and left my mother to be with her. This lady also left her husband to be with my father. This all happened about six years ago, and they married a year ago. Needless to say, my mother is not too crazy about my stepmother!
There is only 10 years difference beween my stepmother & I, so our relationship is more ‘friends’ than ‘mother/daughter’. We see each other about once a week at family dinner, so we are relatively close.
Fast forward to today- my stepmother has absolutely cracked the s**ts about not being as involved as my mother at the wedding. My mother and I are VERY close, and much more so since my parents divorced. I just can’t understand how she would think that it’s acceptable to try to push my mother out of things at my wedding. E.g. I want both my parents to walk me down the aisle, but my stepmother absolutely forbids them to be in the same car. They are also not allowed to stand next to each other in family photos- I have to stand between them.
She has said that she feels like I am leaving her out of everything on the day, eg. my mother is getting ready with me & my bridesmaids, my stepmother is not.
Apparently I am not respecting her feelings/wishes for the day. Sorry… last time I checked, my wedding was MY day!
Is it just me or does it seem a bit odd that she expects my mother to sit things out so she can be involved? I’m SO over the drama!!
Post # 3
Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear this! Can your dad step in with your step mom, tell her to chill out? Or could yout ake her out to coffee and tell her yourself (since you two are friendly)? Really, weddings are the one day a bride NEEDS everyone to lay their own stuff aside so the new couple can get a solid start. Good luck!
Post # 4
oops I should add that my main concern is not upsetting anyone with decisions for the day, especially not my mother because I think that it is her special day as well as mine 🙂
I am having a ‘talk’ with my stepmother this evening so any wise words/advice on what I should say would be very much appreciated. I am thinking of inviting her to have breakfast with my bridesmaids & me on the morning of the wedding so she feels like she is somewhat involved (of course, I’d rather have my mother there). Or do I just explain to her that whilst I understand that she is upset/disappointed, this is my day & my mother is my mother & I would appreciate if she just lets me organise things the way that I want them?
Post # 5
@An Alaskan Bride: Thanks so much for your help… I was trying to figure out if I am acting like a brat because I’m sticking up for my mother or if my stepmother is being unreasonable. Nice to hear that someone else is with me on the ‘unreasonabe’ side with me! I think I’ll have a chat with her tonight & ask her to try see it from mine point of view & my mother’s also
Post # 6
I would tell her that you appreciate her wanting to be there to support you on your big day and that the best way for her to do that is by making it easier for you to have both of your parents present without drama. Make it clear that her putting stipulations on who can stand by whom is not making it easy for you to include her.
Post # 7
You’ve only known her for 6 years, and that relationship seems to have not started on good terms. While you are closer now, you and your mother have been through thick and thin, and you both have dreams of how your wedding will be. Step-mom did not watch you grow up and dream of your big day. This is a very special time for a mom and daughter (and a dad and daughter), and your step-mom needs to realize that while you are friends with her, this is one day about you and your commitment to your FI and your relationship with your family.
She has married into your family, but she is going to have to take a step back while you focus on those who are most important in your life. She clearly understands she was not here first (as she and your dad were getting together while both married). I think just explaining to her the importance of your day and the long time waiting for it and envisioning it. When it comes down to it, your mom and dad are your folks, and even though she’s with your dad now, you won’t cut out your mom to appease her. Your dad had a life and relationships before her, and she has to deal with that and set it aside for one day.
Post # 8
If you’d rather have your mother at the breakfast you referenced, have your mother there. While I don’t necessarily buy into the “it’s my day” phrase, I do think on this…it should be what you prefer! It’s your MOTHER.
I don’t get why your step-mom is thinking she gets more involvement? She didn’t raise you or even become involved in it until very recently.
I suppose I get why she doesn’t want them in the same car (why would they have to be?) and walking down the aisle together with you, but if that is the case, I’d probably make it clear to my dad that it will either be: you and your mom and your dad, or you and your mom. Then let him handle step-mom.
As far as the upcoming convo, maybe point out to her very nicely that, while you appreciate her support (?) and respect that she is your father’s wife, she needs to realize that your mother will not be pushed out of this because of her preferences. Tell her that you’d love it if she is there to witness your wedding and your vows to your husband, but the day is not about her.
Post # 9
She should totally understand why you would want your MOTHER involved in every part of your day. But maybe she just feels like you guys are so close and she just wants to be there for you too. Like PP have said let her know that she is important to you and if you are truly important to her, she will let you do things the way you want without any added drama.
Im having a similar issue. I want both my parents to walk me down the aisle but my dad thinks my stepmom will have an issue with it. I love my stepmother but it is my day and my parents so she is just going to have to deal with it. Im going to have a chat with her the next time im in town to visit. Good luck and I hope you work it out.
Post # 10
Ok..I see both sides of the story here. Well kinda..does Stepmom have kids of her own? If she doesn’t maybe shes trying to live vicariously through you to have her own “mother of the bride” knowing that she probably won’t have this opportunity of her own? Or maybe shes just bat-shit crazy.
Seriously-she should have enough respect for you and what you want to do. I get the not being in the car. Dad can meet you at the ceremony while you and mom ride in the limo..fair enough. For them not to stand together in pictures…going a bit far in my opinion.
I would also like to think Dad would kind of “check” your stepmom with her demandsprefrences.
Post # 11
Do she have kids (specifically a daughter) of her own? Will she ever have kids with your Dad? Maybe she feels like this will be the only time she will be able to have a mother-daughter wedding experience. I’m not saying she is right in expecting that, but that may explain why she would be acting this way.
Post # 12
@Ms Sassy: She doesn’t have kids of her own, and no chance of that happening as my dad has recently had prostate cancer. I actually didn’t think of that scenario before- makes a little more sense now why she is being demanding/wanting to be included. I still don’t agree with it, but I don’t feel as angry now!
Thank you so much everyone, I will have a chat to her tonight and explain my feelings about the situation.
Post # 13
I don’t think you have to do this, but I think it would be nice to find something special to do with her. Maybe not the day of, but something that would make her feel like she was a part of the processes. Take her to the florist meeting or one of your fittings. Maybe ask her to make something–escort cards? Or be on the look out for something like shoes or jewelry.
I makes me sad to think that she can’t have kids. I’m sure when she was a little girl, she didn’t dream about stealing another woman’s husband and never having kids. This is just another dream of hers dying.
Post # 14
@KoiKove: Thanks so much for the advice.
I have invited her to the florist meetings (which she attended).
She has asked what she can do to help on the day, so I asked her to check my FI & I in at our hotel in the break between our ceremony and reception (I told her that we can take care of it but she wanted to help) so I have tried to get her involved in various aspects of the wedding.
Turns out that she thinks I am taking advantage of her by having her ‘run around’ for me but not including her on the day.
Post # 15
Then I would tell her to forget about checking you guys in. Is there a way you could include her in your “getting ready” aspect by maybe having a moment with her and your father privately? Like have her there when he first sees you?
Post # 16
Its your wedding, I really don’t see why your step mom should be calling the shots. How can she forbid your parents to stand near each other? thats just ludacris. She needs a reality check, this isn’t her wedding so she has to take instructions from you.