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I think siblings should be allowed a plus one. This is his sister, right? I'd say that if they're still together come March, you should let her come (let her take the place of another guest who won't be there). They'll be together 7 months by then. I just sort of thing when you have few siblings, they get to bring a date and it's not a big deal. Yeah she's being snotty about it but it'd get her off her back about it and make you look gracious in the process.
So why doesn't your Fi go visit his mom for Christmas? Is it coming down to the whole "principle of the matter" kind of thing or is it that he has to work and all?
While I can't support FMIL/FSIL being critical of all the wedding plans, I agree with ejs. I think this sister should be allowed a plus one, regardless of how long she's been dating whomever. Think about it. She's already upset because she's older and single. (That hits much harder for girls than guys.) Now she can't even have the comfort of bringing someone to dance with? This date could (in a way) could help fend off the nosy aunts asking why she doesn't have anyone. I don't care if she's the only exception to the plus one policy. I think the wedding will be kind of hard for her.
No the wedding isn't about her. But people are human. Maybe you'd be looking at an entirely different FSIL if she was already married. It's hard for some people to be happy for others, when they themselves aren't happy. Is that why she has trouble finding men? Who knows? Just try to let it roll off your back. Hopefully she'll get it figured out before too long.
As for Christmas... So your FI is all alone. But isn't FSIL all alone too? Or does she have this new man to spend Christmas with? Honestly, I can totally picture this situation being one in which a mother is favoring her needier child. Happens all the time. Even if your FI is going to be without you, she might be thinking in general he has lots of good things going on. Whereas his sister really needs a nice visit from mom to make for a good Christmas, to look forward to. IDK, just a thought. Can FI find a way to go to his sister's for Christmas?
Sorry, but I have to agree with Tanya123 and EJS: I think you have to suck it up and allow FSIL a plus one...whether she's been dating him for a week or a year. I don't agree with them being critical of your wedding plans, but I definitely think it's only fair/courteous to invite her with a date.
I don't know.. I get the feeling from your last couple posts that you overall just don't like your FSIL. Remember that she is going to be around for a long time. I would make it work so my FSIL could bring a plus 1. I would also be hurt if my FSIL was planning her wedding and wouldn't let me bring my boyfriend.
I agree with you on the FMIL thing, it seems like she keeps siding with FSIL on everything, but it is her daughter. Still, she shouldn't put the daughter in front of the son.
I am also not getting on a plane during the holidays to go see my sister in texas (I live in cali). It doesn't mean I love her any less.
Actually, I'm going to have to agree with Mrs. Starfish that FSIL doesn't get the plus one. Here's why - she started dating the guy after the STDS went out, after they finalized the guest list and they are already over their numbers for the venue. It sounds to me like FSIL needs to grow up a little and realize that it's not about her and her new BF. I've attended plenty of weddings solo in my day, and it's not a huge deal.
I'm sorry but i have to say , the fsil isn't thinking of anyone , except herself . She has to be willing to understand , this wedding isn't about her , its about you guys. I know that seeing your younger bro getting married may be hard to bare , but she KNEW that you guys would be getting married before she did , I think its time she accepted this . And you are being more then generous when it comes to even thinking about adding a stranger to your guest list..eventhough your OVER your count . She has to understand that this isn't about her. And i think its very reasonable of you of telling her , that if you get 20 no's then she can add her guy. And i think its your fmil issue , if she's not coming to see her son , because of the sister ..Can she travel without your sister ? Then she should ..Sounds like she's picking 1 child over the other ..and thats WRONG ..She was with your sister last yr ,why is it necessary to be with her again ,if your fsil is just going to a party and all.. I'm sorry your in this position , i hope it gets better..:)
I'd say that you wait this one out and see if you get the 21 no thank you RSVPs you need. It's really a simple fact that if you don't have room, you don't have room; numbers are numbers and facts are facts. That being said, if you do have room after getting all the RSVPs, it would probably be in your best interest to let her have a plus one. Just don't let him be in any pictures.
I don't think anyone has addressed this yet, but is it abosolutely necessary that you have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids? Lots of people have uneven sides and if you think it would make your FSIL the the eff out and make her feel included, it might be worth it. It would be a gracious offer, anyway, as long as you make it look like you really want her to be there instead of as a ploy to make her chill out.
If I'm understanding you, the venue holds 150 people and you've invited 171 people and you've said FSIL's BF can't come unless 21 people decline.
I've heard numerous times that the acceptance rate on weddings is about 80% (unless its a destination wedding, then the acceptance rate is much lower). If 80% of your guests attend, you'll be at 137 people, well with in the limits of your venue. Many people have guest lists that are larger than the capacity of their venues with the expectation that not everyone will RSVP yes, and therefore everyone will fit in the venue.
I know its not what you want to hear, but I agree with the other posters. You should really consider letting FSIL bring a date (and I think you should let her know now and not wait until the week before the wedding when you get all your RSVPs in). I'm not suggesting you don't invited the people you've sent save the dates to, I'm just suggesting you make a special allowance and add one more person to your guest list.
Its obvious from your posts that the two of you don't get a long and she's probably taking this as a personal attack. I have two younger brothers and if one of them was getting married before me and I wasn't allowed to bring a date, I'd be pissed and I'd consider it a slap in the face.
I don't condone FMIL's habit of criticizing you, but I think that is a separate issue that you and FI need to address with her.
Good luck handling the family drama. If it makes you feel better, we all have some degree of family drama around the wedding.
I don't mind inviting him I really don't. I just want them to understand I cannot give them and answer right now. It is upsetting to me that she is letting this affect other things.
I'm not gonna lie with all the drama I have become a little grumpy with FSIL & FMIL. When I first met FSIL I loved her. She was very direct to the point, didn't seem petty. She said within 5 min of meeting me "I like her" and it totally made my day. Since the drama started I have not made many attempts to contact her or keep her updated as all I got were critiques and those made me sad/grumpy/hurt. But all in all I want us to be close and talk. I am hoping it is temporary "wedding insanity" and that it goes away. Really all we both want is for them to be happy for us. For them to be excited. We want to be able to have some conversations about the wedding that don't end in anyone being sad/frustrated/grumpy. We know the request we are working on it. There are many other parts of this wedding that we would love to share.
I sent an e-mail to FSIL letting her know that we would do everything we can and we would update her as soon as we hear more. As she has not been the one to request he be invited yet I thought maybe if she heard from one of us it would be better. So I told her we had invited 170 we are waiting on no's and b/f will be the first to be added once we get some definate responses. So hopefully it will smooth some things over and everyone will be able to be nice and enjoy holidays and the wedding.
I'm sorry your FMIL is acting this way about the holidays. She is going to be the way she wants to be and nothing can change that. So let her stay home or go hang out with her daughter and try to enjoy the holidays with your SO and do what you want as best you can!
Update: Talked to FMIL yesterday evening and unfortunately it became a "You aren't doing what everyone else does" lecture again. I ended up raising my voice a little and letting her know that we had decided to invite who we had very carefully based on our venue restrictions, the size of our family, and the fact that inviting ALL of both of our families was the priority for us. I let her know that comments have been hurting my feelings and if it isn't nice or constructive I'd rather her not tell me & their actions are ruining the experience for us to a point where it isn't fun anymore. When all is said and done what really matters is that it is what FI & I want and we agree on our choices. It actually turned out well (I was very upset that I yelled, it's scary to yell at a FMIL) I think it made her realize we have a plan we aren't just throwing things together and while she may mean well maybe we all need to handle it a bit differently.While we still agree that we will be adding FSIL's b/f when/if possible we are going to leave it alone until the time comes to deal with it again, since it is a "destination" wedding for most of our guests our invites will go out early so it won't be totally last minute. FMIL & FSIL are working out a way to come see FI for Christmas. I am glad that in that moment of "losing it" I didn't say anything mean or derogatory towards FMIL or FSIL and it honestly seems like everyone, including FSIL, is past it now & happy. Everyone is excited about holiday plans.... whew. Not that I ever want to repeat that experience but I am relieved it is over and we can all go back to being happy and no one being upset at anyone else.
Note: FI was present for this convo FMIL was on speaker when she made the comment that started my "lecture". I was a bit concerned he'd be mad too but he said it is probably the only way for us to reach this result. Seems odd to me that losing my cool a little is what helped us resolve the problem. (Not that I advocate losing your cool to solve all problems this just happened to work out.)
I'm glad it worked out! Hopefully there aren't anymore problems! :)
I'm sorry, you have to be flexible here. Invite the boyfriend unless it's a firecode issue. And even then.
Just re-reading all this. It actually turned out that FSIL dumped b/f in question about a week after all of this happened. When we saw her at Thanksgiving she told us that she had known since they had been together about a month that it "just wasn't going to work" which I found amusing since that was about 2 weeks before she gave us so much trouble about wanting to bring him. Things didn't stop there she has continued to be upset about various things and she and FMIL have most recently decided that they need to fly their hair stylist here for the weekend so that FSIL can have her hair done in a "twist". At least I have learned to just smile and go along.... "if it makes them happy." is my new motto.
wow they are flying in their hairstylist for a twist? That is ridiculous! But to each their own I guess, at least they didn't ask you to pay for it!
Glad things worked out for you!
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In case you haven't read my previous posts so far:
So when I left off FI was sad that his mom and sister were not really planning on coming for Christmas and he planned to talk to his mom about her coming to see him. Well FMIL tells FI that FSIL suggested she visit FI for Thanksgiving and then visit her on the other coast for Christmas. FI lets mom know that she went to see FSIL last Christmas and he wants her here as I will be out of town. Then the truth comes out... FSIL is upset because we have not told her she can bring her new b/f to the wedding. We have already said if enough people rsvp no that is fine but at this point we are over our limit by 20. Mind you FSIL started dating said b/f after the guest list was made (and cut to fit the venue) & STD cards sent out. FMIL lets FI know that FSIL is having a hard time as her younger brother is getting married before her..... okay I get it a little bit. That's not what she had planned but it isn't like it was sudden. We've been together for more than 2 years and talking marriage for about 1.5 years. I sympathize it isn't her fairy tale however it is ours. I feel she should be over the shock of it at this point and move on to being happy for us. We are not allowing many guests a plus 1. Our vision for this wedding is it is a large family reunion/meshing of families & one of the few times they will be in one place together as they live 6 hours apart and we live 10 hours away from that. We had to cut some people that we both really wanted to invite from the guest list so I understand it is hard to not just have whomever they want there. But I can't help but want to scream "It's not about you!" And I think it double sucks that FMIL is willing to miss out on spending the second Christmas in a row with her son b/c they are upset about a boy that's been around 2 months max maybe not getting to come to the wedding.