And the point of bridesmaids again was…???

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HourThyme:  BM bride: that’s ridiculous, and as a recent bride she should know that. It’s easy to say this from behind the keyboard, but I’d be tempted to tell her not to bother at all then and come as a guest.

I’m more sympathetic to BM tween. Her mom is probably voicing her daughter’s concerns. As FI’s niece I’m guessing you don’t know her well. Can you compromise and have her arrive in time for any photos at your house?

Post # 4
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@HourThyme:  your bridesmaids suck. They should definitely get ready with you as you will be missing out on all those photos. make up and hair as well as dress should be paid by them. 

Post # 5
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@HourThyme:  I don’t believe in the whole “all they have to do is show up” theory. Before the bee I’d never heard this and always assumed your maids were supposed to be your support system. After all, don’t you pick your closest friends to be on your bridal party? Why wouldn’t they help you?? Anyway- I think your maids are being selfish. Have you told them that you really want to spend the morning with them and start your wedding day off with your best friends? Telling them how important it is from an emotional perspective (instead of “it’s my wedding do what I say” bridezilla-ing) might help. 

Post # 7
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@HourThyme:  yeah not cool in my book. i would 100% expect my adult bridesmaids to get ready with me – it’s definitely standard practice here (the bride pays for the hair/MU of course) and everyone had getting ready photos done by their photographer that I have known. It’s fun to all get your make up and hair done together! This distance thing is rubbish too – it serms there are plenty of options for them to get there that don’t have to cost a fortune. I would never be a bridesmaid and just expect to rock up to the ceremony in the right dress and that be the extent of my involvement. 

Post # 8
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HourThyme:  Oh I see you are having photos as your house (which is pretty normal, I did it too). Then I think BM Tween needs to be there in time for photos. What if her mother brings her there and stays; and her father (your FI’s brother or brother-in-law) travels to the ceremony with someone else in the family? There’s got to be a way to do this, it is part of being a bridesmaid.

For the other girls (Mexican and Bride) I’d say coming to your house is a non-negotiable, even if it means sleeping over.

While I’m mainly in the school of “BMs only need to be there for the day” (and generally the bachelorette, unless they live far away), that also means BMs need to be there for the whole day. If a BM can’t even commit the day of your wedding to you, that’s pretty poor. I’ve never heard of the bridesmaids NOT getting ready with the bride.

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

For the record a Bridal Party is NOT A REQUIRED ELEMENT

It is a niceity in so much as both the Bride & Groom usually have their nearest & dearest that they wish to share the day with… be it a Relative or a Close Friend… someone they want to “stand up” for them as they make a commitment that will change their lives

(Historically one’s Bridal Party Attendants were those that truly stood up for the love that the two shared… not only signing the Marriage Certificate, but quite willing to go to court to testify to THE LOVE of the Newlyweds if necessary)

My how times have changed.

More often than not today the Bridal Party isn’t seen as “supporters” but sadly rather as a friend who comes out and looks really good on the Wedding Day in a fancy dress or tuxedo !!

As a proponent of “Traditional Etiquette” (the kinder gentler more considerate version) when it comes to “Modern Etiquette” the whole Bridal Party scene is one that makes me very depressed.

I seriously think that the pendulum has swung too far in one direction now… and things have gotten out of hand

When it comes to “Traditional Etiquette” things were much fairer and well laid out as to Responsibilities and Expenses on BOTH sides.

A Bridesmaid was much more than a friend in a “pretty dress” that showed up for Photo Ops

A Bridesmaid was one of your nearest & dearest who was there to support you thru the experiences that came with the preparation for marriage

This certainly seems to be lost now !!

Sadly.

Consequently I am still a fan of “traditional etiquette”.

But whatever route a Bride chooses (Traditional or Modern) I strongly suggest that Brides discuss the role and expectations of the Bridal Party with an PROSPECTIVE Members PRIOR to there being a commitment made

BOTH sides should understand what is up, and agree to what each will do / pay for.

As per Traditonal Etiquette… the elements are as follows:

== cut & paste from a previous topic here on WBee ==

THE BRIDE – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES (to the BP)

* Bridesmaids’ Luncheon

* Thank-You Gifts for the Attendants **

* Accommodations for the Bridal Party (often 2 Nights if there is a Rehearsal  Dinner / Party)

* Transportation of the Bridal Party from Accommodations to Ceremony Site – Ceremony to Reception – and Reception to Accommodations

* Bridesmaids’ Flowers

* Extending to any member of the Bridal Party over the age of 18 the courtesy  of bringing a Guest to the Wedding (and that Guest can be anyone of their  choosing… Hubby, Fiance, Long Term BF, random Date… or even their Mother IF  that is who they wish to spend the Weekend with… it is THEIR CHOICE… and not  yours to judge.  This is one of the perks of being in the BP and giving of  their time to your Wedding)

* Making sure that the Bridesmaids and their “dates” (see above) are included  at the Rehearsal Dinner … or whatever form of Meet & Greet is planned  before the Wedding

THE BRIDAL PARTY – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

 * Purchase of Wedding Day Apparel and necessary accessories ***

* Transportation to the Wedding Destination

* Contribution to a Gift for the Bride (often a pooled gift with other Bridesmaids)

* Individual Gift to the Couple

* Attendance (and possible gift) for any Showers, or Pre-Wedding Parties for the Bride / Couple

* Reponsible for their Dress Fittings

* Assist the MOH whenever one can

* Attend as many Pre-Wedding Events as possible

* Possibly Co-Host a Party or Shower (not mandatory… hopefully at least attend)

* Assist Bride with errands when feasible

* Contribute to Bridemaids’ Present to the Bride (can be an act of kindness in lieu of a gift… ie organizing a Shower)

* Arrive to Appointments Promptly

* Arrive to Dressing Site on Wedding Day Promptly

* Participate in Professional Photo Shots

* Dance with Ushers & Single Guests (optional / courteous)

* Help gather people together where necessary (ie First Dance, Cake Cutting, Bouquet Toss etc)

* Help out with Elderly Guests if needed

* Pay for their Bridesmaid Dress and Transportation to the Wedding City

* Give a Gift to the Bride & Groom

MAID OF HONOUR – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

* Helps the Bride with selection of Maids’ Attire (if required)

* Helps with Addressing Wedding Stationery Items (Invites, Placecards etc)…  if asked

* Attends as many Pre-Wedding events as possible

* Organizes Bridesmaids’ Gift to the Bride

* Makes sure that others in the Bridal Party are on-time for Appointments

* Holds the Groom’s Wedding Ring on the Wedding Day

* Helps the Bride get ready on the Wedding Day

* Arranges the Bride’s Veil & Train before Processional & Recessional

* Makes sure the Bride looks “Picture Perfect” throughout the day

* Holds the Bride’s Bouquet during Ceremony

* Is a Witness to the Marriage (signs documentation)…if required

* Is in the Receiving Line (if there is one)

* Keeps the Bride on schedule

* Helps the Bride into her Going Away Clothes (if necessary)

* Takes care of the Bride’s Gown and Accessories after the Wedding  Reception

* Pays for her own Dress and “some” accessories ***

* Arranges for and pays for her own transportation to the Wedding  Destination

 — — —

Two of the greatest areas of misunderstandings is what is paid for by  whom.

*** In North America, a Bridesmaid is only obligated to pay for the Dress that the Bride has chosen.  She is to provide her own foundation garments, shoes and accessories.

BUT if a Bride wishes for everyone to be matchy-matchy beyond the Dress, then the Bride is supposed to pay for those elements… so matching shoes, accessories, jewellery, hair & make up etc.

** The Bride’s Thank You Gifts to the Bridesmaids should not be something that she has chosen for them as part of the Wedding itself… so Hair, Makeup, Jewellery, or other matchy-matchy items… ARE NOT THANK YOUS. 

A Thank You Gift should be chosen for each individual member of the Bridal  Party… as part of the friendship bond you share.  It should never be matchy-matchy… it should be chosen with much more care.  That isn’t to say that it cannot be earrings tho if that is something that EVERY Gal in your BP would like… just that they shouldn’t all be the same.  They should be chosen to ONLY “match” the personality of the girl, and nothing else.

PS… Worthwhile Reviewing this List BEFORE someone chooses a Bridal Party (and also going over it with potential Maids BEFORE they accept the role)…  because there are some serious obligations / responsibilities on here that can add up to BIG BUCKS for BOTH Parties… BUT particularly the Bride (ie.  Transportation, Hotel Rooms, Maid & Guest, and Thank You Gifts) … and the bigger the BP… the more it costs.

== end ==

To be honest, I don’t know how one goes about correcting this all once it is underway.

Much easier to deal with in the beginning upfront before Wedding Plans are too far gone.

Sadly, when both parties are not on the same wave length there is disappointment, heartbreak and hurt feelings (sometimes as far as a friendship being ended)

That makes me very sad

Once upon a time things were far fairer / equal on both sides…

(For one thing Expenses were not a full burden of the BP)

This modern method I cannot say I care for.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 10
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

At first I was thinking BM Bride was trying to shirk the getting ready thing to avoid paying for hair and make-up (not that it’s wrong, but maybe she could do it just as well for cheaper or free and is saving money), but then you mentioned you were paying, so it’s not even that.

I understand that it’s really hard to get around if you don’t have a car, but that’s what rentals/cabs/public transportation is for.  How did she plan on getting to the wedding if she can’t find a way to come out for the morning?

BM Tween… I think that’s something that’s a little harder.  It’s definitely not her fault at all- I agree with her/her mom, it could be awkward for her, and she might want her mom around.  I know you mentioned that you didn’t want BM tween’s mom, FIL, and MIL there, but could you maybe compromise and have her mom there?  Not that it;s the same, but when I was a flower girl for a couple weddings, my mom hung around even though she wasn’t in the bridal party.  One extra person isn’t a big deal to me, plus it’s your FSIL, right?  It’s all up to you of course, but maybe it won’t be as crazy as you think.

Chances are BM Tween’s mom also said she would meet you at the church because she’s worried now of crashing in on your morning of events and doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries.

It sounds like BM Mexico will power through the car issue.  Good for her.

 

FWIW, I was a BM twice, and neither time did I get ready with the bride.  The bride made it an immediate family thing with their FSILs and sisters.  That, and the salons couldn’t hold us all at once (usually we go to the salon instead of the salon coming to us), so it made more sense to split up and meet up later at the ceremony location.

Post # 13
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HourThyme:  “What also sucks is that this whole planning process happened with FSIL and FI’s  phone conversationS from whicih I was excluded… FI was the one that suggested BM Tween might not be comfortable, then FI said I  didnt want a ton of people there, then it was decied that they would meet at the  church.

Then get your FI on the phone to his sister and get him to change the arrangements again! There’s still 12 days until your wedding, surely that’s time to find a way for BM Tween to be there for photos.

Post # 14
Member
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@HourThyme:  Originally (like way, way back) the purpose of the bridal party was to act as a decoy for the bride, so evil spirits would go after the bridesmaids instead.  And it sounds like one of yours might deserve a little of that 😉 Seems that you really only have one bridesmaid who sucks, and she has no excuse as she’s just gotten married.  I have no advice other than to take deep breaths and not let her suckiness get in the way of enjoying your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

You know why I never had a problem with my bridal party? Because I didn’t get their “duties” out of a book that doesn’t take into account what their individual issues may be. I made my wedding about FAMILY, not about ME.

No, don’t buy me any gifts. Your gift to me agreeing to stand up for us at our wedding.

No, don’t throw me any parties. This economy is bad enough. No need to waste money on an expensive party (they threw me a bridal shower anyway but it was very reasonably priced).

Yes, participate in the pictures. You’ll already be there, we’re taking them after the ceremony.

Keep the bride on schedule? I paid someone to do that.

Wedding favors? They end up in the trash anyway. No, we’re not giving them out. There will be candy at the table.

Attend as many pre wedding events as possible. They did that GREAT. Why? It was ONLY the rehearsal they were asked to be at. 

Assist the bride when feasible? Ehhh… I can do it. My (now) husband could do it. I addressed all 300 invites, all 300 STDs. I did it. Why? It’s my wedding and I chose it.

Made it easy. I love my entire wedding party, they still love me and I didn’t have one complaint about them to post on the Bee. Maybe I’m on to something.

Post # 16
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@HourThyme:  I’m in the camp that does not think the only thing that a bridesmaid has to do is to get dressed and show up. What’s the point of being a bridesmaid then – they could just be a guest. 

The bridesmaid bride sounds ridiculous. I’d be even more annoyed if you did all of this for her wedding and she’s doing nothing for you in return. Can you kick her out? 

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