(Closed) And then there were none (I am the last unmarried woman in our group)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3358 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

have you considered proposing to him? Or are finances troubling you as well? 🙁

Post # 4
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would talk about it more and find out if he ever will want to get married. Tell him you can have a small, low-key wedding for X amount of money that you think he would feel comfortable with. Tell him that nothing will really change from day-to-day, but getting married is really important to you (not other people). Tell him you want to have kids, and make sure he’s on the same page too. I think you really just need to hash out these issues so at least you know if you want the same things. Maybe he’s just scared of having a big fancy wedding, or maybe he thinks you want to have kids the second you get married, who knows…

Post # 5
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ve followed your story for a really long time on here, and I’m so sorry that you’re still in the situation that you are. I do commend you for accepting it and staying with your SO b/c you love him 100%. I wish I could light a fire under his butt for you and make him wake up and realize what an amazing woman he has in front of him. I know you’re just venting and there isn’t anything you’re looking for other than some sympathy, and you absolutely have mine. I’ve been with my DH for 8 years (including dating and marriage) and I can’t wait to grow old with him. I just don’t know if I could have the strength that you have in waiting 16 years (and longer) for him to realize that he’s goign to be ready to marry me. So I absolutely admire your patience! And if you need to vent…don’t ever hesitate to PM me! I might not be able to relate, but I’m a good listener :o)

Post # 7
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Sounds to me like he has no plans to get married ever, much less any time soon.  And it also sounds like that’s an issue for you.  After 16 years why would he want to get married if you’re living together and practically married with everything but the legal document as it is?

Figure out of being married is important to you, if it is, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.  I’m not saying give him an ultimatum but a conversation about marriage with him is long overdue especially if marriage is something you want.  I am the guys girl (i.e. most of my friends are guys) and trust me, when a guy meets the right girl, so long as he doesn’t have major issues of his own, he wants to marry her ASAP.

Post # 9
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t understand. Marriage is obviously very important to you. It’s not very important to your boyfriend. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But I think you need to work this out with a counselor because it’s kind of the elephant in the room between you. If you want to be with him forever it needs to be resolved one way or the other.

 

You’ve been with him for 16 years, OBVIOUSLY you guys are in it it for the long haul. It’s silly for people to suggest he doesn’t love you just because his views on marriage are unconventional

Post # 10
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry this is tough for you, but at least with 16 years together, you have no doubt that he really does love you and is fully committed to you, if not committed to getting married.  I know a couple who have been together very happily for 25 years, never ever got married.  The woman knows neither one is going anywhere, and that’s all she needs.  I should probably add though that the woman is a family law attorney, so that probably left a bad taste in her mouth regarding marriage…. But after that long, I don’t think he’s going anywhere.  If marriage is that important to you, it might be a good idea to just see what his ideas on marriage are.  He might just simply be afraid to mess up a good thing because things are good right now.  

I’ll be honest though, i think its unlikely that marriage is somethign he will be as excited about as you are, but I don’t think he has anything against it and and he’ll do it for you to make you happy if it’s that important to you.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.  I know girls want everyone to be excited, especially their fiance, but sometimes it can’t be helped.  For some people, marriage really is only a legal formality.  What’s important is that he loves you, respects you, and is committed to you, and I think he is all three.  =)

Post # 11
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My heart goes out to you. I couldn’t do what you did and so I left. I had to be true to me, and that meant I wanted to have the commitment legally and be a wife, not a forever girlfriend already 37yrs old. That was my option, and I couldn’t do it. It didn’t matter what I was leaving behind, what I was taking with me was my belief in me, that I deserved what other women had, and that I could be happy in the future regardless of what happened because I would no longer be pining for something that was entirely dependent on the whim of a man/child (he had issues).

 

I honestly don’t know if that makes either one of us more brave or foolish than the other, but I was at peace with me when I walked, and although I ached so bad for what could have been, I also had hope even if it was just that I would be happily single forever because it meant I at least had commited to me, even if he couldn’t.

I wish you nothing but the best, and a balm of some kind for your hurting heart and probably very weary mind.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with this. You sound like such a loyal, supportive woman — I wish your SO was on the same page as you!

You mentioned his issues with relationships as a result of seeing his parents’ not-so-hot marriage. I wonder if you two could try couples therapy? That might be good because he could see that you guys have a strong, stable relationship — and that won’t change just because you get married! Or if he could do therapy on his own? It sounds like he needs to understand that good marriages can exist, and that you two won’t turn out like his parents.

Best of luck, and again, I’m so sorry. It must be really rough to see all those other people who have been together for less time get married. 

Post # 14
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Isilme:  Talk as much as you need to…you are not an island.

Post # 15
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee

(((hugs)))

Post # 16
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do you want children?

I dont know. It looks like he will not ever want to marry. Or if he does he will need to come to that decision all on his own, and it wont be soon.  So if you are happy with him and you’re practically married anyway, would you be willing to move along with the relationship without the marriage bit? You may have to come to terms with never getting married and put that option out of your head. 

 

 

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