- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
I just needed to jot down a few thoughts to get them out so I can get on with my day/life. I am waiting a very long time. For tyhose familir with me, it’s far longer than most other people, and yes, we’vespoken about marrige, no, I am not leaving, no I am not hading out ultimatums that communicate a ring is more important than being with him. Yes, I know I have made my bed, and plan on sleeping in it, but that does not change the fact that at times I get sad about what I am choosing to give up for my life.
About 2 years back, about 11 couples (22 people) we know got married/engaged or both. BF and I have been together longer than any of them, and I’m afriad I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I am two other ladies were the only ones not married by the start of this year, and the other two were in reltaionships of less than two years, let alone over a decade as BF and I are. But I knew, somehow, that their proposals were coming, and even had them pegged pretty well – around V-day I was expecting one, which came for her about one week later. Mini-melt down on my part, but I did my best and managed to not be so selfish and get over it pretty quickly – I had some practice from all the wedding the previous year, I guess. About a month ago, I was asked to be a BM, the first time, ever, I’ve been asked to be in a wedding in any capacity. I was both ahppy to be asked, and sad because I knew she’s aware of my life-situation and the fact that this may be my only wat to ever be part of a wedding, and worried it was a pity-request.
The next one I was expecting both in May at my friend’s B-day, or July 4th, as her BF who is just getting out of basic had made some hints about it. Last night she told me that though she’s waiting for the official proposal, they are making lans for her to join him once he’s allowed to ahve a spouse with him in about 6 months, and she asked me to help her find a dress and kinda casually asked me to be her MoH (think I may be the only BM – she sent me pics of the wedding dress she likes, and then sent me a pic saying, “and this one is yours” of a pretty BM dress).
I am excited for her, happy she is moving on toa great guy who seems to love and cherish her (both of these recently engaged ladies, actually). She an the early engaged lady both have been in really bad relationships, one was physcailly absued, the other serially cheated on with strippers and prostitutes, and so knowing they are on their way to respect and happiness makes me happy for them.
But I am struck wth my own pity party right now, and have no one to share it with. I feel like I am terrible for feeling sorry for myself when my life is not that bad, it’s just this stinging pain that comes from not feeling I am completley wanted, loved or cherished because of this lack in my r/s with my BF. And that I want him to want me on his own, not ebcause I guilted him into it, not because I threatened to leave. And I know about 85% certain I am not going to ahve that. But I can’t leave, don’t want to leave and give up the ahppiness we DO manage to share, but as years pass I feel less and less like I really matter, or am worth effort.
This is unfair – BF was a late-launcher, handicapped by his mom doing too much for him, and though we are both 35, in many ways it’s like he’s years behind that, and me. So while I am ready for a new name and the respect that comes with it, sick of the questions and insinuations about how I/we are broken, and I want to have more time in my life as a wife than a GF (and the clock is ticking on that), even though I am not anxious to ahve kids, and am willing to adopt if the biological route is denied to me, he is not consistently there.
He is focusing on graduating, finally, and it’s taken a lot of money for him to get back into school, he’s finally addressing his loans from previous years, and making up for the lost time he was unemployed and had dropped out. So I can see he’s working on things, and think that if he ever does ‘feel ready’ like most men it will be after he feels he’s hit some sort of man-accomplishment goal – school, income, and published projects, before then. And so I can’t very bring this up to him, and whine about my hurt feelings when he can’t speed up gradaution and income any faster, even if marraige was a goal that mattered to him as much as it does me.
Sorry for complaining. I know most of the responses I will get will be – Give an ultimatum. Leave. Start over after 16 years. These are not things I am going to do, as I have said, simply because I don’t believe in reinforcing his ideas that women want marraige for both attention and an expensive ring, and ultimatums just do both. I need him to see and understand that people look down on us, me, for not ‘forcing the issue’, and I get treated somewhat like a non-person at times ebcause we aren’t married, and I am reminded of his wishy-washy comittment to committment each time I see my maiden name or naked hand. And though my brain is able to rationalize staying and accepting things, my heart soemtimes rebels and makes me sad, like today, when a strong reminder of things I know I probably will not have comes my way – like helping my friend plan her quick January wedding.
Here on the Waiting Board because I can’t 100% give up on hoping, but still plan to stay even if buried under different names – Isilme.