Post # 1
I havent seen or spoken to my mom’s mom (yes, my biological grandmom) since before I graduated highschool. It’s been even longer since I saw or spoke with my cousins, aunts and uncles on that side either. My mom tried to reach out to my grandmother and grandfather when we first got engaged, but she never returned the phone call, sent a card or anything. I feel like I have to invite them to our engagment party (beginning of July), but am having really mixed feelings about it.
If they don’t come, well I don’t expect them to anyway, so this isn’t upsetting (anymore) – I did cry for a while after it was clear that my grandmom didn’t even care about congratulating us.
But what if they do come…what am I supposed to say to them? What am I supposed to say to my FI’s family when they ask me to introduce them to my family that I barely know anymore?
Sorry for the late night post, but we just finished DIY-ing our engagement party invites and its been on my mind a lot lately.
Post # 3
If they are not a part of your life right now, why are you inviting them? Your guestlist should be those nearest and dearest to you, not folks you invite out of obligation. Never invite you don’t even know, even if they’re related to you.
Post # 4
I’m in a similar situation with my dad’s mom. I used to see her once a year- at Christmas. Then she told my dad to stop bringing us because she couldn’t afford to get us gifts anymore. First off, she could afford it, she just never knew what to buy (because she hardly knew us!). Secondly, we would have been happy with no gifts at all and just a nice Christmas brunch. Did she really think the only reason we would want a relationship with our grandmother was to get some cruddy hat and scarf set once a year? At her request, I haven’t seen her in 10 years. She also stopped sending cards on my birthday. So I was dreading what to do about the wedding invitations. I spoke to my dad about it, and rather than telling him what I really thought (that I didn’t want her there), I told him that I thought it would be too difficult and too big of an expence for her to travel, and so I didn’t want to burden her with that by inviting her and making her feel guilty about not coming. That worked, I didn’t invite her, and everyone saved face.
I’m sorry you’re stuck dealing with this. Maybe you could talk to your mom and see what she suggests? Or you could use the engagement party as a test run. If she doesn’t come then you have a better idea that she probably won’t come to the wedding. If she does come, well at least you get the awkwardness out of the way now, rather than having to deal with it on your actual wedding day! Good luck, and try not to stress about it too much. I mean, if you don’t invite her and she’s offended, it’s not like your relationship could get any worse, right?
Post # 5
@greenleaf – first thanks for sharing. i’m sorry to hear that you’re in a similar situation, but i am glad im not alone! and you’re right our ‘relationship’ can’t get any worse.
Unfortunately, they don’t live far from us (my grandmom actually hid from my mom in target a few years ago). Honestly I am pretty scarred over about the situation so I dont expect them to come and am no longer upset in thinking about it. But it is so upsetting to my mom. she really wishes things were different.
In theory, the daughter of a daugher of a daughter should have the closest family bond…
Post # 6
I think if your mom really wishes things were different then you should try to include your grandma in the wedding. Send her the invite to the engagement party and see what happens. If she does come, spend a few moments catching up with her, introduce her to your Fiance, etc.
Post # 7
We sent courtesy invites to family members we aren’t close with who our parents assured us wouldn’t attend. I wish we’d made a rule about not inviting people we don’t know or trust to avoid saying negative things.
This is what happened with the invites to family we aren’t close with:
1) They didn’t RSVP or return calls about RSVPs, which got really frustrating for our parents and us.
2) One just kind of waffled back and forth, taking two days of her questions and phone calls to make her final decision, which was no. (5 days after the RSVP deadline)
3) Some ended up making plans to attend and now we’re kind of nervous because we won’t know who they are when we greet them at the reception.
I wish we hadn’t invited people we didn’t genuinely want to attend. I think if people are upsetting to you or you don’t know them well, they do not warrant an invitation. In my experience, it can end up being more of a headache than forgoing the invite alltogether.
Post # 8
As awful as it is, these people have decided they do not want to be part of your life, or part of your mother’s life. That must be heartbreaking, and I can’t imagine how hard it would be for any of you. But it’s just the way it is. I really don’t think you should invite them, as you can’t force someone to be part of your life. They have made it very clear they are not interested in being a family, and I think you would be better off ensuring you are surrounded by people who really love and support you and your FH. All the best!
Post # 9
I wouldn’t invite them either. We’ve had 2 weddings this past year and didn’t invite anyone from my husband’s side of the family. They have no relationship with us or our kids anyway,so why bother? They’ve done enough through the years with declining other invitations,we didn’t even consider inviting them to these 2 big events. They weren’t missed either.
Just because people are related by blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Save yourself some hearthache and exclude them from your list. If they aren’t speaking to your Mom,they probably won’t speak to you. 🙁