- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2014
Hi fellow bees,
I have been silently lurking around these boards for some time now, reaping all the advantages of your great advice but too shy to contribute. So this is my first post here and it will be a bit of a long rant. I guess I’m really just looking for some support and to know that I’m not alone in my turmoil. And if you have any good advice, then please shout it out!
I have been battling depression for about 11 years, due to multiple severe injuries, a gas-lighting long-term ex-boyfriend, and just continuous all-around bad luck. I’m not trying to whine but, simply put, nothing ever really works out for me…. and if it does, I usually pay the price ten-fold.
But then something changed.
A couple years ago I began dating my best friend of 7 years. He was just recently divorced and has 2 adorable kids. I knew his ex fairly well… we even went on group vacays together. Needless to say, getting together with him was really weird at first. And having been destroyed by my ex, I entered the new relationship with much caution. I wasn’t about to let my guard down!
Fast-forward 2 1/2 passionate years later (and still going strong), we are now engaged. At 40 years old and wanting my own family, I finally get my big break at happiness! But I just can’t find the joy in me… and it’s not because I don’t love him. He’s the most beautiful person I know, inside and out, and treats me like a queen. I simply cannot imagine my life without him.
But yet, I can’t seem to let go of my underlying sadness. So what the heck is wrong with me?
The contributing factors:
- It’s his second marriage, my first… so my insecure self is battling with being “sloppy seconds” and living in the shadow of my ex-wife-in-law.
- He wants to marry me (he says), but he’s already “been there done that” and thinks weddings are just a pain in the butt.
- He fears that this will be a huge spectacle with enormous meringue dresses and bouffant hairdos… so does not fit my tom-boy style! I even hate getting manicures.
- My father is going through terminal cancer.
- His grandmother continues to call me the ex’s name.
- His colleagues confused me with his ex.
- My wedding date was unintentionally hijacked… by a dear friend 10 years younger than me!
- My mother blew the surprise before my boyfriend had a chance to propose.
- My mother announced my engagement to her friends and our family before I even got home.
- I am constantly excluded by his children. It’s a proven fact, not an impression.
- He wants his kids to be at the destination wedding… now I can feel excluded at my own weddingmoon!
- His sister already told me (at her 2nd bachelorette party) that I’m an old maid because I’m 40 with no kids and never been married.
- My mother told me I better hurry up because I’m getting old.
- Not that it’s a competition, but I will be the last of all of my friends to get married – even those I used to babysit.
We have been engaged for 8 months… but have yet to pick a date. When I found my motivation to reserve a weekend for planning, he felt “pressured” so I backed off. Many times I gave him the option of backing out… hey, I’m not dragging anyone to the alter while they’re digging in their heels. But he insisted he wanted to marry me.
I have never celebrated anything in my life… I never even went to my college graduation. And after 11 years of all the c**p I lived through, I think I really deserve something special… not a massive production, but something intimate and truly special. And yes, I want to be the “princess” for once!
I’m trying really hard to find some joy and celebration in my engagement/wedding, but I can’t get excited if it’s just a party for one. My friends are spread out all over the world so I’m really on my own for this. Heck, I don’t even have anyone to go pick out dresses with!!
I have no idea how to salvage this. It has been an absolute disaster since the beginning, starting with my mother proposing to me. I have had my thunder stolen the entire way… or did I even have any to begin with?
And now I’m at the point where I’m really ready to drop the whole darned thing. This is just not the way it’s supposed to be.