Post # 1
Last night my husband threw his wedding ring against the wall after I tried to talk to him about a few things I need from him. He and I both have changing work schedules every week so we really have to plan spending time together otherwise we don’t see each other. For the last two weeks we’ve had opposite working schedules and I’ve had some drama in my personal family. Because of this I have really needed/wanted to spend some quiet, peaceful time along with him. He on the other hand is busy scheduling all his free time with friends, parties and volunteer work.
My family got divorced over ten years ago and each of my parents have remarried. I though I had a good relationship with my father until I learned he has been secretly married for six months and was waiting for the right time to tell me. Because I found out (his marriage license was accidentally sent to my sister’s apartment) I have realized that the great relationship I thought I had with my father is not as honest as I would expect. Because of this I have really needed/wanted to lean on my husband for some extra support and comfort.
The past two Sunday nights I’ve asked him if things could just be quiet and peaceful at home and not have to go do anything. To have a pause and reboot time for the coming week. The first Sunday he told me to get over it because he wanted to go sign a new lease for an apartment we’re moving into in July and couldn’t schedule it for Monday or Tuesday evening. Last night, Mother’s Day, I was with my mom and sister and he had a friend over and made him dinner and went to watch MadMen.
I got jealous and insecure because he and I usually watch MadMen together, so I texted him and asked him not to watch it with his friend so we could watch it together. He replied that he had already made his plans and wasn’t going to change them. The night before he had planned to go to a party and we got in a fight and he yelled at me that he didn’t give a fuck what I did and he wasn’t going to the party to spend time with me.
Basically I feel like we dont’ spend enough time together and for him spending time together is not one of his priorities. We’ve been married nine months and together for three years. The first two years of our relationship he was a medical resident and had very little time and if I schedule a date night for us would make it a priority to spend time with me. Now he has double the free time he use to and is filling it with friends and volunteer work but not time with me. Naturally I am hurt because it is our first year of marriage and I was hoping we would do things together. Rather it feels like we have separate lives and he’ll invite me to his events but doesn’t seem interested in who I am, what is going on in my life or the little things that would make me feel like we are close or have our own homelife routine (ie: quiet Sunday nights or watching MadMen together).
He is someone who doesnt’ talk to his friends or family until he gets overwhelmed and then he usually blows up at me. His anger scared me and I usually cry and then spend a good chunk of time to regain my balance and sense of safety. We just started seeing a therapist twice a month who I am hoping will help us but I’m still scared to talk to him about most things because he gets so defensive or angry. Last night after he threw his wedding ring at the wall I slept in the guest room and told him he needs to deal with his anger.
I don’t feel appreciated or loved. My sister says we each need different things that what we are giving each other. We’re suppose to go away to CT for a wedding this weekend and we were planning on staying an extra day to see an old friend of mine. This friend got called away for work and now I can only see her for dinner on the same night at the rehearsal dinner (neither of us are in the wedding). When I asked husband if we could have dinner with her in a nearby city he said he’d really like to make the most of the wedding experience and would be going to the reception immediately after we land. I’m feeling very unsupported by him and now scared by him also. I’ve build up a wall and I don’t know how to trust him or what I should do.
I want to be a good wife and go to the wedding with him but I’m scared he’ll ignore me or yell at me if I ask for something I need from him or something that is different than what he needs. What should I do? Because of his yelling and the distance growing between us we haven’t had sex in months. I’m too scared to trust him and have sex because emotionally things are so scary.
Post # 2
Sounds like you both have some major, major issues working against you right now. His unwillingness to “meet you in the middle”, his anger and unwillingness to be supportive and your need to feel complete and total validation from him is making both of you feel as though the other one isn’t quite “getting” the other. I would really encourage you to bring this up in counseling together.
I would continue the couples therapy and maybe even pursue some one on one therapy sessions, he as well. His outbursts and being unsupportive are not ok, but getting “insecure” because someone watches Mad Men without you isn’t ok, either. You both have some maturing to do and to work on compromising within the relationship. His outbursts need to be addressed, ASAP.
Post # 3
I am going to therapy one on one myself twice a month as well. Our home life is so strange because of his career hours and shifts that I am craving something consistent and reliable where I know we will spend some time together each week. He seemed so excited to watch MadMen together and talked about us doing it together on Sunday which is why I was so upset when he said he was going to do it with someone else. I never know when to believe him or when he is suggesting something or actually telling me we will do it together.
Post # 4
nancyclarissa: if you’re truly as scared and terrified of him as you come across in your OP, and you’re also already in individual counseling, maybe this isn’t the best fit for you relationship wise. If you really, really value X, and he really, really values Y… you either learn to compromise or someone gets left feeling let down/taken advantage of.
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
nancyclarissa: Your husband seems COMPLETELY checked out of your relationship! How is counseling going? I’m surprised he’s willing to go considering how unwillling he is to do anything else that he used to do with you. I do think you getting “jealous” and “insecure” about him watching Mad Men without you is a bit much, that should be annoying and nothing more. Sounds like you two are just too different to come together.
Post # 6
nancyclarissa: I’m sorry you’re going through this…was your husband always this way or is this a recent change after marriage?
I think you both have issues that need to be resolved through counseling and communication.
– Him – He doesn’t sound very respectful of you and your feelings, if he talks to you in exactly the manner that you’re describing here. There are nicer ways to say that he can’t change his plans, for example. He also needs to deal with his anger and not take things out on you. I would be upset too if my FI treated me that way and invalidate your feelings in the process.
– You – You can’t expect him to fill the void of your emotional needs/problems regarding other people. It sucks that your dad hasn’t been honest with you but what does your husband have to do with it? Also it seems like you’re more of a homebody, which is fine, but you guys have to compromise. I agree that it sounds like you need more quality time together but not everyone wants to just stay home on Sunday night. You also sound clingy, which may be causing him to lash out even more.
I hope you guys can work through your issues! You didn’t mention this in your post but maybe you need some good girlfriends who you can talk to about everything and spend time with when your husband is out with his friends.
Post # 7
nancyclarissa: your husband seems to have some anger issues… no matter how angry he gets, constantly yelling at you to the point where you’re scared to approach him is not ok. As a start, I would begin to walk away the second he raises his voice. Do not argue back or stand there and take it – he needs to understand that you will not tolerate being spoken to that way, and if he wants you to listen, he needs to calm down and speak normally.
Post # 8
@mchitt329 – he is completely checked out, which doesn’t help us solve/heal/compromise.
@jewelieee – i have become clingy because he doesn’t support my dreams (grad school/family) so i feel very alone. he supports me making more money but has no interest in supporting me while i am in grad school to get a better job. i don’t have any really great girlfriends where we live. we just moved last summer and i left behind a great girlfriend in the city we lived in before. my mom and sister are here but i don’t have an unbiased girlfriend to talk to. maybe that’s why i’m posting here…
@nightborn – he does have anger issues. i have finally learned to detach and walk out of the room or sleep in the guest bed.
i also just bought a great book online called “marriage rules: a manual for the married and coupled up” by harriet lerner that i’m hoping we’ll both read so we can begin to communicate effecively about these things. i also bought melody beatty’s books “journey to the heart” and “co-dependency no more”.
have any of you read these books?
Post # 9
does anyone have any suggestions for books about anger i could read and hopefully get him to read as well?
Post # 10
nancyclarissa: I am really sorry to hear how he is treating you 🙁 I would be VERY upset if my partner was doing that to me. It’s the first year of marriage and he can’t even be bothered spending time with you – what will it be like in 5 years or 10 years? I really hope counselling helps your marriage 🙁 Best of luck.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree he seems to have checked out of your relationship. In addition to couples therapy, he needs professional help with his anger issues and you to not become codependent of him. Your marriage is too young to have the type of issues you’re having and I can perceive how you are struggling to help you both, but if he doesn’t want to cooperate you will end up drained and exhausted, on top of already feeling abandoned and insecure. He must agree to get help and compromise in working on your issues as a couple and as individuals for you two to have a shot. If he doesn’t agree to it, then you really need to decide if this is where you want to be. No one deserves to feel miserable in a marriage, being fearful of talking to the very person that is supposed to make you feel loved and secure. Hugs.
Post # 12
The fact that you’re afraid of him concerns me the most. Does your individual therapist know this?
Post # 13
@sassy411 – my therapist doesn’t know this. i wll tell her when i see her tomorrow.
Post # 14
I don’t know if your fear is justified but it very well could be. I just wanted to point out to you that you have, lying in your lap, a wonderful weekend away together planned. Time together, just the two of you will surely happen during that weekend. How do you think he will feel if you turn around and say you don’t want to go, that you don’t want to do the thing you have been bugging him to do (spend time together)?
You now have a whole extra day without plans because you are seeing your friend the first night, make the most of it! Use this time to reconnect, talk about your own wedding and how great it was. I hope that things get better for you and soon! Hopefully this is just a rough patch and you two are trying to figure out what you want and when you want it and how to get it even if the other isn’t on the same page.
Post # 15
Can I ask how old you and your husband are?