Post # 1
I’m having a very angry waiting day today and needed to vent! Nothing specific has happened to prompt this today but I just feel so mad at my SO for putting me through this
waiting when he has no real reason (financial, career) I have to admit I’m a bit of a snooper and go through his emails etc to see if I can find any signs of him planing a proposal or thinking about rings and there’s NONE
Were both 25 and have been together over 5years but I’ve only been waiting about 6months but it’s driving me crazy. We’ve had lots of discussions about marriage and our future but I’ve never put any pressure on him as I really want this to be something he does of his own back. Don’t get me wrong I’ve told him I’d love to be married to him and he’s said the same to me also I found a life map he drew up for work noteing what achievements he wanted in his career and life (i found this by snooping back in March and it had propose to me, get married ideas of honeymoon locations and have our first kid all within a box labelled 25-30) this is so typical of my SO he has these pictures of what everything will be like but no idea that anything takes any planning or effort on his part, I really think he expects us to just wake up one day and it to all have happened.
I just wish I knew what he’s waiting for!!!!! He holds all this control over my feelings and happiness and yet from what I can see he’s just chilled out no cares in the world loves me loves our relationship thinks it’s all perfect, why are men like this?? I really don’t want to have to give him an ultimatum or a timeline but am starting to think he’s so relaxed about everything in life and so used to just doing what he’s been asked/told that if I don’t a proposal is never goin to happen?!
There must be other angry waiting bees out there? Any advice on how you deal with it? I’m worried that when he gets home from work I’m goin to cause an argument about anything and everything when really it’s all this built up waiting resentment 🙁
Post # 3
I can appreciate your frustration and the building resentment. Been there.
I think you should take a step back, calm down then one night sit and talk with him about marriage. Not telling him that you want it like, yesterday and pressuring him. But listen to him. Ask him how he feels about it and see what page he is on. Really give him the chance to tell you his side.
Then you have to stop snooping and not mention it anymore. It could be he’s simply not there yet.
Post # 4
@LuBee88: OH fellow bee I have been an angry waiting bee too. This might be Too Much Information, but i’m PMSing today so yeah, I’m biting my toungue towards my SO right now because all I want to do is yell at him for making this 30 year old waiting bee wait when I set an expectation that I didn’t want to wait this long and I don’t need an effing diamond ring!!!
There is good news here and it’s where your focus needs to be: He’s planning it all to happen in the next section of your life together which you are current in. This is a GREAT thing. When you are in the waiting hive enough…you will see women complain that their men ‘aren’t ready’ and ‘don’t know when or if they will be ready’….and that is more heartbreaking than a man who is at least thinking about it.
I know your pain bc Mr VB is methodical too, he has a plan for us. Personally, I don’t think you can plan life to a ‘T’, you have to roll with the punches! Right?!?!
I’m thinking that you mentioned it’s there are not financial constraints but ARE YOU SURE? Ex: Mr VB has it in his head that a ring is supposed to be 3 months pay or 10% of his salary (Where the hell did that rule come from cause I have NO idea). So, he does not have THAT much laying around and refuses to do this process on credit. Is this possibly your situation as well? Is your SO a saver?
How about the wedding? Who’s going to pay for that? Mr VB and I are doing it on our own. If you want a nice wedding, this could be anywhere from 10,000 to 27,000. Not cheap. Then the honeymoon–IF your SO wants a nice honeymoon, that requires some saving too.
I totally get your pain. Realizing that Mr VB is adamant about saving and not putting this process on credit-I opened a seperate savings account titled ‘Wedding/House’. It’s made me feel empowered and proactive for my waiting situation….and it’s also made me realize just how slow moving saving for this event can be and has helped me to sympathize with him on my waiting period…and has made me realize that he’s waiting too.
Sorry if this is too long lol…just wanted to give you some perspective. The waiting bees are here for you!
Post # 5
I can certainly understand your frustration!! The bees are here for you whenever you want to rant!! *hugs* But I will say that it does appear to me like he plans to marry you and have a family with you and that is WONDERFUL! I think you should do what @YUNO1: said and just sit him down and have a frank conversation about marriage. No pressure, just ask him what he sees and what he wants! Maybe it’ll spark him to get moving on that 25-30 box!
Post # 6
My Darling Husband is just like that! One of the reasons he proposed when he did is because he wanted to be expecting our first child before he turned 30, and he assumed I’d want a year to plan the wedding.
So he just counted backwards to determine the proposal date!
(Then we planned the wedding in 5 months, so he’s a whole year ahead of schedule!)
Post # 7
@BrandNewBride: that sounds like just the sort of logic my SO would have, men huh!!
@Kandykane1: since I found the bee’s I don’t know how I survived without it! I limit myself to only looking on the Not Wedding Related boards, as I think it may add fule to my fire going on the other parts but the waiting area has been a god send and I just know once ny turn comes as nd I am engaged I’m going to love all the other areas of the bee
@YUMN01: I reckon th waiting for me to calm down before the talk is a good think and will definitely try have the chat but I have tried in the past and I can’t stress how chilled out he is. I last brought it up 2months ago and he was like ‘what do you want talk about babe, marriage? ok, what about it, I can’t wait till were married’ *cue me wanting to scream and yell ‘why havnt you proposed then’ but I don’t and say how do you feel about it and where do you see it happening and he says ‘ofcourse he wants to marry me and he sees it happening prity soon’ but then won’t put any timeframe in the equation as he feels ‘somethings should be surprise’ and ‘not to worry he has a plan’. The chat made me feel happier at first but now I’m back to angry waiting as I still have no idea if he’s soon is 1month or 1year
I really believe he does have good intentions but the idea of picking a ring (I’ve hated every bit of jewellery he’s ever bought me) and organising a proposal is just daunting to him so he’s pushed it to the back of his mind thinking he’ll think about it another time! He does this a lot, his car was getting quite old and a dealer offered to buy it for a very reasonable price but he just kept putting of selling it and I kept asking him why and saying the car was going to break down sooner or need an expensive service so best to sell it and he agreed but still did nothing about it and low and behold the car broke down and was economical to repairs and he had to sell it for scrap metal losing thousands of pounds.
@veryberry13: thanks for replying, I’ve read loads of your responses to other bees in the few weeks iv been on the bee and always agree with your advice 🙂 you also seem to be going through some of the same wait problems I am and its so nice to know I’m not alone in this horrible waiting phase. I know what you mean about the financial thing, my SO has also mentioned to me in the past that he heard an engagement ring should be 3-4months salery and as I wasn’t a waiting bee at the time I didn’t say as anything otherwise, if he said that now I’d be sure to say I would expect him to spend that much at all. I think he has about £2000 in savings plus some inheritance money in bonds somewhere so he is defiantly in s position where he could buy a ring if he wanted to or at least be looking at rings/ investigating. I know for a fact he has no clue how much different types of engagment rings cost or what style I like or where he would go buy one etc. Yet from my snooping I can see he has NEVER googled anything ring/engagment related – this is what makes me so sad as im not expecting a proposal tomorrow but at least some indication that he’s thinking about it would be nice
Post # 8
@LuBee88: no real advice- just hugs. I’m not an angry waiting bee (at the moment) but I have been there. Maybe focus less on him and more on yourself for a bit- that has helped me.
Post # 9
@LuBee88: It’s okay, I snoop my SO’s computer from time to time too…and he also has never googled anything related to rings/engagements/wedding/proposals/etc. It makes me sad too. I know he isn’t ready, but I guess he isn’t even THINKING about it for the future in the slightest. And that makes me sad. At least you know that your SO is thinking about it and is including it in his life plans. That is a big deal!
Post # 10
@kandykane1: yes your totally right, I’m going to try and stay positive today and focus on that fact and not what’s not happened.
You sounds like a sad bee too *hugs,* I’m sorry your going through this horrible waiting aswel. I know people say snooping is bad but it’s my way of finding out where’s he’s at without constantly bringing up engagments/weddings which I’m sure would just put pressure on him and make the wait even longer! It also keeps my expectations realistic and this way I don’t get my hopes up prior to every holiday birthday anniversary and then get horribly upset and let down when it doesn’t happen.
anyway thanks for your support I think I would have fillped out at him today if I hadn’t been able to vent and then calm down via the bee!
Post # 11
@LuBee88: Sigh. I totally felt you when you said “this is so typical of my SO he has these pictures of what everything will be like but no idea that anything takes any planning or effort on his part, I really think he expects us to just wake up one day and it to all have happened.”
I don’t know what this is about, but it is some sort of epidemic. My partner definitely has this problem.
Something that sometimes (very rarely, and usually only in trivial situations) helps is to ask my partner to work backwards from the goal. Here’s a script, where marriage is a sandwich:
you: “Sweetie, when do you imagine us having lunch?”
him: “Probably in about ten minutes”
you: “That sounds great to me sweetie. How long before lunch do you think we should start making sandwiches?”
him: “Hm. Um. I guess it probably takes 15 minutes to make a good sandwich.”
you: “Well, since we haven’t started making lunch, do you think we should start now? We might have lunch ready in fifteen minutes then.”
Post # 12
@LuBee88: *hugs* thanks, dear. I am a sad waiting bee at times. And I am a mad waiting bee at times. And some days I am content with how things are. Right now I am in a sad mood, but I know it will pass. And yes, I agree about snooping…it isn’t good, but at least it prepares you that something isn’t coming. Otherwise there might be expectations and huge letdowns when they don’t happen 🙁
And you’re welcome! We’ve all got to support each other here 🙂
Post # 13
@veryberry13: ” all I want to do is yell at him for making this 30 year old waiting bee wait when I set an expectation that I didn’t want to wait this long and I don’t need an effing diamond ring!!!”
Good Lord that is my life to a T ! i’m 30 and have told him i don’t need a diamond!!! i would be over the moon about a Moissanite, or coloured gems, but he just won’t have it, he is adamant i have a diamond( which is fine, if he thinks i deserve one i am flattered), but if it’s gonna make me wait longer than the 2 years i have already been waiting ( dating for 5 yrs, been expecting proposal for 2), i don’t care about a diamond!
@LuBee88 i know the angry feelings and resentment, i am there!my SO’s younger brother and his fiancee are visiting this weekend, and they were all excited about showing us their engagement photos, and i watched the slideshow of them on their computer and acted excited and marvelled about how good they looked( which was true, they had their pics done at a carnival, so cute!), and SO made himself scarce, didn’t even look at the pics at all. which to me just seemed rude, but i think he was feeling bad that it isn’t us….his brother is getting married in January, so i sometimes feel he is waiting until after that wedding to do anything as far as proposing, so as not to steal their thunder! which i think is silly!
so to make myself feel better i bake things ( it’s my stress relief), i read posts on the Bee that reassure me that i am not alone, that this waiting thing is normal and not just me being a crazy lady, and i focus on other things that are solely for myself, going to the gym, getting my hair and nails done semi-regularly, taking yoga, taking kickboxing, doing things for me! i try not to talk about weddings or engagements much, i want him to propose because he wants to, with no pushing from me, but it’s SOOOO hard to shut up! lol
Post # 14
Once your rage has subsided and can have a converstaion without the film reel of you punching him in the face playing in your head over and over… trust me, I have been there 100 times… maybe you can have a conversation about ‘these are the things I want, these are the things you want, and ideally this is how much time I’d like between each thing’. I say ideally, because life happens and we chant plan, but at least if he know’s you’d like to plan your wedding for X amount of time, then be married for X amount of time before having a family maybe he’d realize that he better get the gears going.
For me, my ideal timeline went something like this:
-date for at least a year before getting engaged (waited over 4, boooo)
-a year to plan our wedding – we had 14 months
-originally I wanted to have a first child before 30, but… since I turn 30 6 months after our wedding thats not really feesable. So that got changedto: be married for 6 months before we try to have a baby
Sometimes guys just dont get it, but once its laid out like that, it makes a lot more sense how much time is needed between each ‘event’. Good luck, and dont worry, we have all been that angry waiting bee… unfortunately I didnt know about the bee when I was angry & waiting lol
Post # 15
@LuBee88: Thanks for saying that I’m glad you agree with things I write! Haha well you have to be careful about snooping in the search history….I remember that I hit ‘t’ in the search engine and I had thought that maybe he went to the TIFFANY website and was checking out rings until I remembered that I was the one checking out rings there *face palm* oh well.
@totalchaos58: haha yeah this site has helped me out A LOT. The hardest thing to do is STAY POSITIVE. I know that waiting can be hard and if you look through enough waiting posts, you will see where some bees just CRACK under the pressure of waiting and it can be hard. I just try to keep it positive because it really helps me and honestly check out other sections. If you go to ’emotional’ ‘long distance’ and ‘relationships’….I see a lot where the going can get REALLY tough for other couples and it really helps to put it in perspective that the biggest challenge in my relationship is….waiting for a proposal lol. And that is really not THAT hard to do.
Post # 16
@LuBee88: I get you. My SO has said he wants to get married in 2014. He also has said he knows I want a year-long engagement. Yet, his time line for proposing is apparently Feb or March of next year. Um…. so is he planning on petitioning the government for a new 14-15 month calendar year? Meanwhile, i don’t know how he’s even planning to save for a ring (much less a wedding) when every time he has 2 extra dollars he buys something silly.