Post # 1
So, as I’ve prefaced a lot of my posts- I recently returned to Chicago after spending 9 months with Kingy in Australia and 3 months before that in Europe, so I’m still getting used to being home/seeing people for the first time/etc.
While we were in Australia, I was always included in plans with Kingy’s friends. Most of them had girlfriends, but regardless- they always invited me to go things with them. I would sometime suggest that I stay home so that Kingy could have time with his friends but he never okayed that unless I was going to be at work or something.
So now that we’re back, I’ve really only hung out with my friends twice, both with Kingy included. However, this weekend- they want to go out, just the girls which I really want to do. I haven’t had a girls night in a long time (a year!) and even though I love Kingy and we have tons of fun together, I’d like to hang out with my friends. So I tell him about it, and he immediately gets upset, saying that already my friends are not including him.
I understand, he just moved here too and doesn’t really have any friends yet, other than mine/people’s boyfriends. But at the same time, he isn’t making an effort to make any friends and says he doesn’t want to take up a sport or joint any classes to try to make them until after the wedding, when everything slows down. I don’t want to feel bad about every time I leave the house without him until then. I mean, I imagines it will take 4ish months from now before he is comfortable asking someone to hang out (2 months until the wedding is over and he can joint soccer or whatever, then 2 months to feel comfortable I’m guessing.
I don’t know what to do, I really want to be mad but that is unfair. He wont listen to me when I tell him that its not that they don’t like him, but my friends like to have girls nights too, and so do I sometimes. Ughhhh.. has anyone else dealt with this? I don’t want to turn into the girl who is controlled by their SO and ends up losing all their friends, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings either.
Post # 4
oh man…this is a terrible situation. I can say, my ex was like that. He included me wherever he was going with his friends and expected me to do the same. I like one on one time with my friends, especially my girls. Afterall, they are also in relationships with me and all relationships need fostering. I ignored my ex and did more and more things with just my friends. AND NOW HES AN EX lol. This is going to be very difficult.. and I don’t know that I have any advice. My FI always encourages me to go out with my girls…he knows we need our time just like he needs his boy time. Maybe it is a difference in culture? Maybe explain to him that they are all leaving their guys at home.. and he would feel strange talking about shoes the whole night?
Post # 5
Yeah – I feel the same way sometimes. My FI is a little older and his close friends are married with kids. So we always hang out together. But then most of my female friends just want to see me on my own!
I think you should continue explaining to him that you really want to have a girls night and promise that it won’t happen all the time. Then plan to spend lots of time with him on the weekend.
Post # 6
My FI has always squawked at me for not hanging out with friends without him. In fact, I’ve been invited to game nights hosted by one of his best friends and he fusses because I don’t go!!!
You need girl time, he needs guy time. Maybe while you and the girls go out, your guys can go out. As in, your FI goes out with your girls’ bf/fi’s? That way, you’re all out having fun and no one is left out?
Just a thought!
good luck and have fun!!!!
Post # 7
I think it’s a bit weird that he doesn’t want you to hang out with your friends without him. It sounds to me like he’s overreacting a bit. But that’s just me and I don’t know him. What do you think?
Post # 8
I agree that you need time with just the girls and he needs time with just the guys. You need to sit down and talk with him and explain that it’s important to have a girl’s night once in awhile. It’s very healthy and he needs to be ok with that.
Post # 9
Its hard moving to a new place and not knowing anyone or having many friends. So is definitely understandable that he is being more clingy than usual. Just explain to him that this is a one in a while thing. He can watch a movie, go on the internet or do something else by himself at home while you go out.
Post # 10
We just had a talk/fight about it. I tried explaining how its just that they want to spend time with the girls and he came up with about 10 different reasons including that my friends would meet guys while out (which is probably true but that means a conversation and a drink, not the whole night) and that he’s the only guy who isn’t included (which really isn’t true), also that he never left me alone in Australia because he knew I’d be lonely, even though I offered almost every time to stay home so that he could have fun with his friends. I even told him to go away for the weekend with them without me. He says that he knows I would have been lonely so he wouldn’t do it. Then he said I’m pushing him to make friends to make my life easier, which isn’t true, I just want us both the have well rounded lives.
I love him and I love spending time with him, I hate that he’s hurting and missing home and having trouble adjusting. I just spent the past year seeing pictures of my friends out having fun together and getting SOOOOO jealous of how much fun they were having together, without me there. I want SO badly to spend time with them, but seeing him hurting hurts me too.
@Zinzerena: I like that idea, but my friends who DO have boyfriends (in that group of girls), boyfriends are kind of.. I don’t know, not our kind of people (being nice lol)
@PrairieGirl: Thats exactly what it is, Kingy isn’t that much older than I am but his friends are definitely in a different stage of life than mine- careers or med school, serious girlfriends, live not with their parents, while mine are either single or in not-so-serious relationships, still in college, mostly living with their parents
@MrsNeutrino: haha about talking about shoes all night, but its true- there have been nights with all girls and him and he’s said- he doesn’t know how to contribute because he doesn’t want to talk about boys or shopping or dieting, which are pretty much where my friends heads are at (and mine sometimes!)
Post # 11
@Beluga: on one hand I completely agree that he is overreacting, on the other- I think he’s having trouble adjusting/seeing how he fits in my life in Chicago and feels like he doesn’t fit
Post # 12
@kingytobe: I can sympathize with him and feeling like he’s being left out, but it’s really only one night. I agree with you that it’s important to have well balanced lives
Post # 12
I think he probably just has to get used to you hanging out with the girls sometimes. I would suggest to go out and have fun, but call it an early night this time around. Hopefully that’ll help him realize that he’s still important to you. And are you guys planning to have kids after marriage? Because you could use the argument that “I won’t be able to do this for much longer if we want to have babies!!”
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2011 - Mackinaw Valley Vineyard; Bloomington Center for the Performing Arts
I could see him being upset if you left him out of a lot of things, but it sounds like you spend a lot of time together. This is one night. It’s healthy to have lives outside of just each other. Perhaps there is something you can do to make sure he doesn’t feel completely left out or worried about your friends having guys all around them. Could you have him go to dinner and leave afterward so you can do girl things? Or leave the night a little early so he’s not spending the whole night alone? Or send him texts/check on him every once in a while to make sure he knows you’re thinking about him?
I don’t really have a good answer, but I hope he realizes this is a good thing for your relationship and not your way of leaving him out of things.