Post # 1
This is not wedding related but I didn’t know where else to put it…
I am very upset with my Aunt…backstory: she is extraordinarily wealthy due to her husbands prospering financial business, she has two daughters in college both of which she pays 100k per year for the combined total tuition…she has timeshares at the ritz carlton, is constantly taking vacations and sending her daughters on vacations across the world. She has no control over one of her daughter’s (the 21 yr old) credit card spending habit, her daughter has no concept of money IMO. During a holiday last year I had a conversation with one of them- we are all jewish- yet that side of the family is much less religious,,anyway my 19 year old cousin was in the car with me and was talking about how she doesn’t even consider herself jewish, how she cares nothing about religion blah blah blah…whatever that’s fine but than when we got back to her house she started to correct my handicapped sister who was saying that her dog was jewish by yelling at her to stop saying that, dogs don’t have a religion, stop saying that (with obvious anger)…
Anyway the point of this post is that I am very upset because my grandmother is in her mid 80’s and my aunt flew down with my uncle to her house and helped her go through many of her things (since he is a financial planner) and to get her finances in order, she greedily went through all of my grandmother’s jewelry and took all the records my grandfather had (he was always very organized with his paperwork) on every piece of jewelry my grandmother owned. My grandmother was afraid my aunt would snatch up and lay claims to her jewelry and told my mom to take whatever she wanted before my aunt got to it… my aunt couldn’t find my grandmother’s engagement ring (because my grandma gave it to my mom and told my mom not to tell my aunt—she basically said “take this before your sister gets to it)…so my aunt left that document on the table for my mom to see when she got down there..
The whole thing is very upsetting, her daughters have been asking for pieces of jewelry from my grandma since 5 years ago (my cousin who racks up credit card bills wanted my grandma’s pearl necklace and got it for her highschool graduation present)…the thing that is bothering me the most is that my aunt just told my grandma that my anti-jewish cousin wants my grandmother’s jewish star necklace (she put in a request for it like 2 years ago)…I want to say ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am nearly in tears writing this..I am so upset that my younger cousins are materialistic enough to think about these things and don’t have any nerve in telling my grandma what they want and will end up getting these things in the end because I feel TERRIBLE asking my grandmother for anything since i don’t want to think about her death,…but I know I would be so aggravated if they just get whatever they want…someone please help calm me down!!!!
Also, do I say something to my grandma about my cousin who wants the jewish star necklace knowing that she doesn’t give a crap about the religion? I dont want to bring it up because I dont want to upset my grandma…
Post # 3
I have no advice, but I am so sorry that you have family like this. A similar thing happened when my great-grandma died. My grandma and one of her daughters went thru and kept ‘claiming’ anything that could have value. My dad and uncle just wanted some of the sentimental pieces that belonged to their grandfather (who they were very close to) and my grandma pretty much ripped an old radio out of my dad’s hands to give to the sister (my aunt).
It was so sad to see family just wanting things due to greed rather than to any sentiment or memories associated with the items. Your aunt and cousins sound like very unpleasant people 🙁
Post # 4
@Dell79: The next time you see your grandma…I WOULD bring up the necklace. I’m sure she’d rather it go to someone who will appreciate the history and religion behind it over someone who wants it only for financial reasons.
Post # 5
Yikes! This is awful! I know with my grandparents, they sat everyone down and all of their kids equally got something big and desireable (like the silver, the engagement ring etc.) then the grandkids each got to say what they wanted the most (the oldest grandchild went first).
I think my grandparents (both sides did this) wanted everyone to have something sentimental and then the money will be divided equally.Basically everything that someone wants now has a sticker on the bottom of it with someone’s name on it (I find this morbid but necesary).
That’s awful about your situation! I honestly don’t want anything from my grandparents and wished they would enjoy it more themselves.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this situation. I’m not sure that I have great advice, other than just talking to your grandmother. Feel her out and see if she also seems upset by your aunt and cousin’s behavior. I know my grandmother has practically forced me and my relatives to figure out who gets what after she passes, but that’s because she’s a control freak extroirdinaire. People are different, but I don’t think it’s impolite to bring up something that is bothering you so much. Try not to be angry or judgemental, just say what has hurt your feelings and see how your grandma responds. Good luck!
Post # 7
@hisgoosiegirl: Thank you so much for commenting and reading through my super long post- I am sorry to hear about your dad and uncle/I knew someone on here would be able to relate…my cousins are very spoiled- they are used to getting what they want, when they want it and although sometimes it can be annoying trying to have a conversation with them, nothing has ever really angered me about them as much as this does. My grandmother just came to NY and is staying with us right now so maybe I will indirectly mention my cousin’s anti religion thing and let my grandma make the decision on her own, I’ll see how comfortable I feel about it, a part of me wonders if I should just accept that everything will go to them but than I get these terrible spurts of anger!!!
@PinkMagnolia: wow that’s amazing that everyone was so civil and that this was able to work out for you without people fighting and holding grudges about one particular item..that would definitely be the most ideal situation…honestly I have heard about families fighting and getting torn apart over things like this, I just never thought it would happen to me and if my cousins do get everything, I just don’t see how i could ever have respect for them again.
Post # 8
@PinkMagnolia: the other thing is that I don’t feel my cousins actually want anything out of sentiment, I know this is going to sound sick but my aunt has always been more outspoken, competitive and aggressive than my mom and she was always kind of more of a crazy wild child, so I know thinks my grandmother favored my mom since my mom is more softspoken and sensitive etc…I feel like my aunt just wants, wants, wants so the she can be one-upping my mom.
@JenGirl: I may mention something to her later today, I just don’t know how to approach it, it feels so unnatural and like awkward to me….do you know what I mean?!?
Post # 9
@Dell79: Man, I’m really sorry this is happening with your family. Something similar happened with mine when my Grandmother passed away and it was horrible. She wanted to go the route that @PinkMagnolia family decided to use (names on things) and to try to make it fun, but one family member wouldn’t do it. This resulted in accusations of switching the tags on the very limited amount of things that did have names and over a year of fighting. This person also insisted on complete “fairness” so tea sets and china were spit down the middle, for example (like one person got three cups and the creamer, for example). There were only 2 people involved, so it was even worse.
I guess what is confusing me is why is your grandmother letting your aunt do this? If she doesn’t want everything to go to your aunt and cousins, then have a very specific will. I would be very concerned about her being bullied and this is something that your mom can help her with.
After seeing what happened to my family, I would be completely honest with your grandmother. Tell her the Jewish star necklace means something to you and you would love to have it. Or, if you feel really bad about asking that, talk to your mom about it. You could also take the tack of being worried about your grandma (which you are) and your family could try to help her get a handle on her finances and will herself. It sounds like your aunt is taking advantage of your grandma and that just isn’t right.
Post # 10
I think you should tell your grandmother what you know about these people. She doesn’t have to give them a damn thing (and she hopefully won’t, once she knows).
Post # 11
Wow, this is ugly. If it were me, I would probably talk to the grandma in a way that didn’t stress her out. I feel so bad she has to deal with people like that. She must be intuitive of how they really are and probably doesn’t like confrontation and upset, considering she gave your mom the ring on the sly. I don’t know much about religion, but maybe you could present the topic of the necklace more focused on the religious side of things and the sentiment of the piece rather than approaching in a way that might start a family battle with grandma in the middle.
Post # 12
I’m so late in this post but the same thing sort of happened in my family. My grandma was pretty well off and had a TON of jewelry. She always wore big diamond rings on all of her fingers except for her pinkys and she had this one ring that my grandpa bought her that was about a 3 carat(im guessing, it could be bigger ive never asked) trillion cut diamond ring that was her favorite ring and she adored it so when she passed myaunt who is also competitive louder and aggressive compared to my mom who is soft spoken sweet and not competitive at all (my aunt) snatched the ring up along with her other wedding rings and jewelry and never asked my mom what she wanted. My mom wanted that ring bc of what it meant to my grandma and hoW much she loved it. My aunt took it bc it was a huge diamond and she’s a selfish/greedy person like that in general. Of course my mom never said anything and just let her keep it. I would say something to your grandma bc it kills me when I see my aunt showing that ring off and bragging to people about it. It’s like she has no sentimental attachment to it she just wants everyone to think shes rich. It seriously drives me nuts! So if you know it will bother you speak up now
Post # 13
I know just how you feel! My family has been picking over my great grandmother’s things for years and she is still healthy! It always drives me insane and I don’t like seeing them do it so I never say I want anything because they are her possestions! Them I got to my aunt’s house and see all of my favorite things sitting around her house because she just took them! I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this to!
Post # 14
Oh, I hate it when stuff like this happens. This is only part of the reason why it’s so important for everyone to have a will.