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Does he just not like the cat or is it something specific, like cleaning up after her b/c of fur or whatever? Is he allergic?
Frankly there would be no compromising with my pets to the point i'd put them outside. I have two 100% indoor extra fuzzy kitties. They still sleep in our bedroom but prefer not to share a bed with DH. DH was adamant about how much he HATES cats...now he's used to them because they leave him alone unless they want some attention and he doesn't mind petting them.
But the idea of keeping your kitty in a screened in area for all but 2-5 hours a day sounds so sad--your kitty loves YOU and wants to be around YOU. Just a few hours a day is so lonely for kitty. How does this affect your FI aside from the sleeping arrangements?
I have a chair in my living room that is "kitty's chair". Also i put a blanket over the back of a couch where one of them likes to sit. Those are really the only furniture issues we have--if one of them is sitting in our spot, we just move them.
Unless your cat is vehemently attacking him, scratching him, and freaking out on him, my personal opinion as a cat lover is that he needs to get the eff over it and deal.
Oh man. That stinks. When I met my now husband, I had a dog and I was like...we're a package deal. Love us both, accept us both or it's not gonna happen. I did this because the guy I dated before my husband took quite some time to warm up to my dog. And I wasn't down with that.
I don't think that's fair to your cat. Will he budge at all?
That would not fly with me personally. Love me, love my cats. We're one unit. Is there a reason why he doesn't like cats? Has he just not had much exposure to them growing up, allergies, bad experience?
@ejs4y8: Agreed! If the cat's not attacking him he needs to get over it. The cat doesn't have to sleep on the bed, but shouldn't have to be out in the cold alone all day!
He just doesn't like cats. It's not that he is allergic, he just doesn't like them. Really it stems from the fact that his mother has an irrational fear of cats. He grew up not liking them because of her. Now that he is an adult, it's hard to change old habits. I think he could budge, but I don't think he wants to budge.
FI and FMIL came home with me to visit my parents for Thanksgiving and my parents have a cat as well. She got squimish and started saying OMG get the cat away from me. The cat wasn't doing anything but walking beside her chair.
I think 2-5 hrs. a day makes for a lonely little kitty too. BTW she really does like it in her "room". I've set it up like a luxury cat hotel and I often peek out there to see her playing. However, I still feel bad that she's not with me. I would feel differently if she could run and play outside, but I dont let her go outside because I don't feel like it's safe. This is why I'm looking for advice. I'm wondering if there have been other people who've been in my shoes and what they did when the FI didn't take to their animal very well.
@tseay: my fiance was against having a cat because he didn't like them either. I said that I would do all the work (feeding, litterbox, vacuuming up the cat fur weekly, etc) and he could just ignore her. He LOVES her now. Sometimes I come home and I see them playing on the floor together, and she often prefers sitting on his lap. It might take some time, but as long as you have a nice cat, I'm sure he'll come around. Good luck!
At times, I think DH married me for my dogs.
He was the only guy I dated who didn't just say he loved dogs, he lived up to it. Guys would claim to be dog people, then whine when my big people lovers got hair on them.
Early on, DH brought old clothes to my house & left them there for when he came to see me. He would change out of his go-to-dinner clothes just so he could play with the dogs & have a grand time. That pretty much sealed the deal for me.
I couldn't be with a man who didn't not only tolerate, but love & appreciate my dogs.
DH actually went on & on about them to his family at our wedding reception. He takes great care of them & they adore their "daddy".
Sorry but that is a #1 dealbreaker for me. You love me, you love my pets, period. Now.. if I was with a guy who was allergic or for some reason hated pets I guess at MOST i could see myeslf agreeing to not get any more (maybe. big maybe). But existing pets? no way I would keep them locked up.
You need to talk to him. He needs to compromise b/c he's being unreasonable. Maybe close your bedroom door to keep her from going in there; that's what I do with our bedrooms. I would not be happy with a man that didn't accept my animals. I know that sounds harsh but I love my cats too much. Thankfully, my Fi is a cat person (he's terrified of dogs so I'll oblige him in not getting a dog). Your cat should be able to get on the furniture. Why does he dislike it? Her fur, does she claw stuff? You can always trim her claws.
EDIT: I also have a kitty chair. All three of my cats take turns laying/sleeping in it.
I don't think this would fly at all with me. In fact, I know it wouldn't. You love your kitty, your kitty loves you. You taught your kitty how to live with you and made her accostomed to a certain lifestyle, and as her parent you are responsible to see that you uphold your end of the bargain as best you can. I may start looking for a new home for her. Really. She deserves to be with the people she loves. You made her a social cat and she's crying because she's outside. I think you either tell your Fiance kitty's life is changing for the better - because you're equals and his comforts/wants aren't any more important than yours - or find her a new home with someone who will love her properly.
The first thing my husband said to me when he came over to my house the first time, while we were dating, was that he hated cats. Well I have two that are my children. I told him, you don't have to like them just don't be mean to them. We moved in together and he has never treated them bad. We joke now that they are his cats!
IMHO I would let you FI know how you feel. He doesn't have to like you cat or even pay it any mind but to put you and your cat in the situation that you are in is disrespectful. He knew you had a cat when he met you, fell in love with you, asked you to marry him. Did he expect the cat to magically disappear?
Eventually he came around despite his monstrous hate of cats--he was attacked by one as a child. it's a matter of putting the kabosh on his irrational, unfounded fears.
Your husband doesn't have to like/cuddle/love on them. He just has to be indifferent! This just makes me so sad!
But i think it's unfair to your cat =(. Your So has no real reason to have issues being around a cat. When i have people over who are allergic to cats--i always use the lint roller to swipe down furniture and i put them in another room.
You could always start by leaving the screened in porch area as an option--open it up so that kitty can come and go as she pleases. If she likes her area enough, she'll spend time in there. I often find my cats curled up under my bed, despite the fact that i was in the living room all day. Then when she wants attention, she can have it. You know, if you got another one, they could play =]. But i realize that'd probably give your SO a heart attack. You aren't okay with the situation, obviously--you need to tell him it's not okay.
I do NOT know what I would do if in this situation. I love cats even though I don't have one right now. Before FI and I moved in together, my roommate had a great kitty and I loved her like she was my own. FI 'sort of' likes cats but gets annoyed with fur and litter box mess. We've talked about getting one together, but he's not fully committed yet, so we're holding off for awhile (at least I hope it's not forever :-( ).
Anyway, your current set-up just seems to restrictive for your cat. She must miss you as much as you miss her! Definitely try to talk to your FI about this. There must be a better compromise than this.
OMG that poor kitty!!! Sorry but I could never do that to my pet. Every time I would hear those little meows it would break my heart :(.
I think it's really unfair for you to make your cat get accustomed to living on a back porch and only coming in for a few hours a day after being around you all the time. If your FH is not allergic then he's really honestly just being a jerk about it. It's a cat, not a pit bull- be an adult and get the f over it. Marriage is about compromise- if he loves you, he should be willing to work out something that works for both of you. Like someone else said he doesn't need to love your cat, he just needs to tolerate it. If he is unwilling to budge, then maybe you need to think about giving her to someone who can give her a better home. This is not a life I would want for my cat.
It sounds like his dislike of cats is rooted in a bad childhood experience. Is he willing to go into therapy to try to resolve it?
@NotFridaythe13th: That sounds like me and my SO. When we discussed moving in together, he hated cats. (His ex wife had a cat and a dog that she never took care of, and he resented them.) We converted an extra hallway into a "Cat Room", and he built them their own 3-tiered cat haven from plywood and 2x4s. I handle all of the care taking aspects, and now, he has a "favorite". It's cute actually. (We have 3, and there's also one he can't stand...but he humors her for my sake...)
What an awkward situation! I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for your cat, because I know big adjustments can be very difficult for adult cats. I think you're trying to do the right thing, but your FI sounds like he's a bit out of line, I mean, we're not talking about a Bengal Tiger here! I adopted a cat somewhat to the consternation of my FI (who was just ambivalent about it) and our roomate, but time heals all wounds and they like the cat now. Maybe start letting your kitty in for a little more time each day so that your FI can get used to having her around more. Cats are perceptive- my cat knows that my roommate doesn't like to cuddle so he doesn't bother him as much. With time, your cat will probably adjust accordingly as well. Good luck!
@florida yes, I agree. I feel bad because I think that I'm compromising my morals here, but I feel even worse for my cat who loves me and looks for me to protect her. I've already thought about giving her away, but I can't do that. I would resent my FI and I would always wonder if she was okay. This is why I am seeking various opinions. On the flip side, I think I'm only hearing from animal lovers like myself. I would really like to hear from people who don't particularly care for animals and maybe shed some light on irrantional fears and perhaps how you overcame them.
Why do you have to do all the accommodating?
If he's got irrational issues with cats, why can't he seek therapy for it? Is he not willing to even make that effort for you?
Sorry, for being blunt, but there are a lot of animal lovers here as there are in the Real World. I don't think too many of the caring ladies are going to say, "Hey dump the cat, having a man is more important than having pets!"
No way , no how would I compromise on my cats. My DH loves me and everything about me, and this is me being a total animal lover. We are a package deal, me and my cats. My love for animals is a big part of my life and I couldn’t be with someone that couldn’t accept that. My cats were there way before him and it wouldn’t be fair at all to them. You get pets because you love them and want a companion, but it’s also a responsibility, just like having kids are. .My DH at the time was sensitive to cat hair as his eyes would get all red and he STILL never asked me to get rid of them or keep them in a separate room. I actually didn’t even know he was that sensitive to them until 5 months into the relationship but at that point he was so used to them that his allergies to them went away.
If he wants to be with you, he should also accept the things you love, even if he doesn't care for them. You love your cat, you and your cat are a "package deal". I'm sure he has items/hobbies you could care less about, but you don't tell him that he can't have/do them.
Honestly, "must like animals" was one of my requirements for dating. Hate dogs? Sorry, I'm not even going to date you.
I think you need to have a sit-down heart-to-heart with your fiance and tell him how much your cat means to you. And that you know he doesn't like the cat as much as you, and that's okay, but you would appreciate his support and acknowledgement for your love for the cat.
Did he try allergy shots? I had a friend do that before, just to be around my critters. It seemed to help.
If he isn't allergic to cats, or has any REAL trauma because of a cat, then he is just being selfish and inflexible.
Not cool.
Cats aren't even that demanding (for attention etc). Someone else may have said it, he doesn't have to love the cat, he just has to be tolerant and indifferent.
I think that you guys need to come to a better agreement than the one you currently have.
@missmouse29: agree agree agree.
i would NEVER marry someone who wasn't an animal lover. that's a dealbreaker for me. my dogs and i are a package. also, in my opinion, it's so completely unfair to your cat what you're doing. why even keep her if you're going to make her stay on a porch most of the time?
That would not be something I would budge on. If there is no allergy issue, the only compromise I'd make is maybe to close the bedroom door at night so he doesn't have to sleep with the cat on the bed.
Otherwise, if you love me, you have to love my pets too.
Maybe you should propose alternating. Every other night HE stays on the screened in porch and only come in for 2-5 hrs a day and the cat gets to be inside.
@tseay: I agree with everyone else, but that's not very helpful to you. Well, what exactly does he hate about cats? The fact that your cat gets hair all over the place? Sleeps in the bed with you? Uses a litter box? All of those issues have solutions that don't involve your cat living on a porch. You say your FI hates cats due to his mother's irrational fear of them. You could offer to put the cat in another room whenever your FMIL comes over. My sister's friend is terrified of cats, and my sister has a huuuuge beast names Zeus :) At first, her friend wouldn't get near the cat, but now that she's used to him and realizes he's not goint to bite her, she loves him. They even cuddle. That being said, she still hates other cats. Maybe your FI just needs to spend time with your cat, and that shouldn't be something you negotiate about.
I actually broke up with someone because of my cat, so you can guess my opinion but....
My uncle HATES animals, really doesn't like them to be anywhere near him...dogs, cats, birds doesn't matter. He isn't allergic, he just really doesn't like them. He did however compromise and let his daughter keep an injured cat she had found. I can not stress enough how much he dislikes animals but he loves his daughter and wanted her to be happy. If it upsets you that your cat is locked outside than that should be the issue especially since it is just a personal preference to him not a medical issue.
Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions, advice and insight. I'm definitely going to take everything you've said into consideration and try to talk to him about a plan that works for both my cat, me and FI.
@lola I have to say that out of all of the comments, your second was the least helfpul and to answer your question, no that didn't make me feel better; although I doubt that is what you were trying to do. My advice to you is to leave those kinds of comments to yourself. You may never find yourself in this situation. Kudos to you!! My post wasn't about you though...it was about me and trying to find some perspective from both sides of the fence as to what I should do and your second post was a little snarky to say the least.
Issues with animals can cause a LOT of stress, frustration and resentment. My dad HATES cats, specifically my step mom's long hair cats because they shed, climb on the furniture and take her attention away from him. And I can tell you it's caused a LOT of fights while my dad has been a big baby about her cats. Now that one passed away (at 16 yrs old) they got 2 new kittens, both short haired, that my dad likes most of the time.
I agree with PP that if you FI isn't allergic, then he's being a little unreasonable. And it's really not fair to change the rules on your cats suddenly either. They'll need time to learn and adjust. You really need to agree on the rules, and not just accept your FI's ultimatums. Your cats deserve a little respect from your FI. They should be important to him because they are to you.
My husband doesn't like owning animals, he likes them but doesn't like taking care of them and gets annoyed at the mess they make. Me on the other hand, live for my cats. I love them more than anything else in the world. We've had fights over this, especially when he gets grouchy over something else he likes to get on my case about them, but it's a fight I'm willing to fight. My cats are something I just will not compromise on. In return, I let him slide on things I can't tolerate. Like his hours of online gaming during which he becomes inaccessible to the rest of the world. Now I just bring that up when the cat issue comes up, and the argument tends to end very quickly. He now says "ok, when these two pass away no more animals!". I'm already working on that with bribes, like saying we can move into a bigger place where he can bring his drums as long as I get my cats...I'm also constantly reminding that nothing makes me happier in life than owning cats, and the joy it brings to me is far greater than the annoyance it brings him.
If your feelings about pet ownership are not as strong as mine and you're not willing to put some tension on the relationship, it may be better to consider him the alternative. If you really love the cat which sounds like you do, please think about her happiness before yours. You can find her a home where she will be kept indoors and spoiled rotten. You may miss her, but she will eventually forget about you and be much happier than her current situation.
Sassy411- He didn't do any kind of shots. He just got used to them. I've known 3 people. My DH, my sister (she has 2) cats, and a friend who had 5, they were all allergic and with a couple months of exposure their body got used to it and adjusted. There are sometimes when my DH will have a flare up, it’s normally the change of seasons when the dander is more intense, or we don’t vacuum every week. My Mom does the allergy shots and she said it has worked wonders though.
Secondly in regards to the OP and finding comments rude, I don’t believe anyone was rude, I think you just didn’t want to get the response you got. I agree with Sassy’s last remark that this is a very touchy subject, and a lot of people are die hard animal lovers here, and I think it’s wonderful to see that, we need more of it. I try not to take offense and anger for your original post, but it does strike a major cord with me because I run a small rescue and most of my animals I’m trying to place are animals that don’t fit into someone’s life style anymore or they get married or have kids and it burns me up. A rescue that I may be taking soon is one of which a women had 5 dogs, and they were her kids and her life so she claimed, and one day she got pregnant and gave all of her 5 dogs between the ages of 5-10 away, the dogs are depressed, scared, and lonely. I think what you saw on this post was a bunch of great people that really care about the well being of your cat and what happens to her.
Well, DH hated dogs when I met him. And I had two! He also said he was alergic (eye roll directed at him because he is not, but he did say for some reason mine did not bother him:) ). However, he came to love mine. He moved in with me, so I guess I was in charge- so to say. He did have "fights" at first with my German Shorthair- who was used to sleeping in the bed with me. She would stretch out her legs and try to push him out of the bed. I have to say, I was kinda partial to her, because she had been with me through thick and thin and he was new in my life. But, eventually he won out over the dog and she moved to the couch. I don't know what to tell you! That is really tough if he doesn't like your cat. Is it just your cat or animals in general? Poor little cat.
I do find Lola's second comment rude. I also didn't see how it was helpful to the discussion. But that's my opinion to have, just as you're entitled to yours.
@sassy411: Get real. An dislike of cats does not need therapy.
I will say that it is just like this at my house. SO does not like cats. I wore him down for 3 years before we got one. For us it made more sense because we just did not have the time to look after a dog and train one. Kitty was a much easier choice.
Some of the ways we deal with this is by trying to treat any of kittys behavior issues as quickly as possible. If he is clawing something or trying to get behind the tree we get out the water bottle. I try my best to keep the litter box as clean as possible, keep Kittys bowl as clean as possible and his water filled. I also make sure I vaccuum near his litter box often. The main thing is that Kitty has a lot of energy so we do put him outside. Is there a way for you to fence in an area for your cat or to only put him outside when your out there. Kitty has claws on all 4 paws so he is left outside for 6-10 hours during a summer day, less in the winter and he LOOOOVES it! He comes in with his energy gone and he is much more fun.
SO still doesn't love our cat but because he knows I love our cat he trys. I said that if SO wants a dog one day then I get a cat. I love my cat and that was the only option for me.
I'm with everyone else, it's not fiar to your or the cat, especially since he isn't allergic. Cats, unlike dogs, are pretty low-maintenance so if he doesn't want to pay attention to the cat he doesn't have to. I would definitely discuss this with him again and work that out. Your poor cat doesn't know why it can't come inside, it just knows somethings different!
No go. Sorry, but I made a commitment to my animals before I met FI and that commitment (for their lifetime) need to be taken into account in any other commitments I make. Therefore, if they can't come along I would not be able to commit to FI or a house, etc.
When FI and I met I had 5 cats, 3 dogs, a bird, and 2 rats. He didn't like the rats. Didn't hate them, just found the creepy. So when those rats died of natural causes I gave the cage away. But he tolarated them for a few years. I had already decided on no more birds after that one. But FI knows that I will never be without dogs and cats and he would never want me to be because they make me happy and they are important to me.
I spent thousands of dollars on my dogs before their death, and FI never questioned the costs. That would be difficult if we were not on the same page.
One of the things that helped me to know beyond a doubt that FI was the ONE is that he was willing to accomodate a new dog I adopted with separation anxiety even thought she doesn't like him. He also was supportive (even my mom didn't get it) when I took in a sickly dog who needed me, even though the last thing we needed at the time was another dog (brought our total to 5)
It's a big lifestyle issue and a mate needs to be tolarant, if not supportive.
My fiance has a cat, but is not an animal person.
Although I am an animal person (and vegan to boot), I am more concerned with my guy respecting my love for animals than him loving them himself.
Your fiance has to deal with your cat being around and understand and respect your right to have a companion animal.
He does not have to love your cat, but if he loves you, he will have to put up with your critter climbing all over stuff.
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Let me start off by saying that I love my fiance. I also love my cat. Sadly, my fiance loves me, but doesn't like my cat, at all! I moved in with FI a little over a year ago and my cat came with me. She was used to being an indoor kitty and sleeping in bed with me every night. Our compromise was that she would stay in the screened in back porch area and come inside the house for 2-5 hours everyday. This really tug at my heartstrings because she was so used to being inside with me. However, she seems to have adjusted as best as can be expected, but I do find that she will meow at the door at least 3X a day for 5-10 min intervals. I'm sad and I don't know what to do. She also can't get on the furniture except for the kitchen chairs. This was an adjustment for her too since she was so used to running and jumping on everything. Anyone other animal lovers out there marrying someone who doesn't care for animals?