Animosity in Marriage: SIL and Brother Edition

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@CookieCreamCakes:  I think it’s natural to want to defend your brother, but I don’t know that there’s anything you can really say. I have a few friends who are kind of similar to your SIL- not with regards to money necessarily, but they seem surprised that the men they dated are the same men they are still married to. I mean, you knew he was (lower income, uneducated, addicted to video games, lazy, high matinence, prone to anger, a momma’s boy) when you agreed to marry him, why is this such a shocker now? 

I guess I would say something like “I’m pretty sure you knew that when you married him.” just as a snide remark, but it’s not actually helpful. If you’re close to her you can pull her aside and say that her words are hurtful not only to your brother, but to the family and that it’s making her look like a spoiled brat. But…. if you’re not close I think the only thing you can do is support your brother. 

Post # 4
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@CookieCreamCakes:  I know this isn’t really what you want to hear right now – but you need to stay out of their marriage.Ths isn’t a family issue, it’s a couple’s issue. Your brother dug himself this hole when he married someone who dreamed of staying at home, as did your SIL when she married someone who could never support her to stay at home. I think you should comfort your bother if you can, but stay out of this for the most part. Also I think it’s pretty natural for your SIL to be yearning to stay at home right now since her baby is almost here. 

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@CookieCreamCakes:  It’s a shame she didn’t realize her life goals before she married a guy who isn’t compatible with them!
They need some serious counseling, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do to help.

I feel so bad for your brother!

Post # 6
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The only thing you can do is to, well, not do anything. You can not change the situation. Only your brother can.

You can be an ear if he wants to talk. You can stroke his ego when he is down on himself. You can even help him get a better job or encourage him to get into some sort of certificate program when the conversation comes up. But you cant change their relationship. 

 

Post # 7
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Unfortunately I agree with the other bees…I feel horrible for your brother..and regardless of anything else he definitely does NOT deserve to be treated like that. But I don’t think there really is anything you can do except to support him when he needs it and let him know you’re there for him.

Post # 8
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@CookieCreamCakes:  This is SOOOOOO hard to read.  I am the breadwinner in my relationship, perfectly fine with that, and honestly, and desperately waiting to be married (I usually post in the waiting blogs). 

I want to marry my BF and it does not matter if he is in school or finished with a well paying job or not.  I want kids so terribly bad that even when I hear horror stories of women who take on most of the work themselves, I am not scared away and I am confident that I would be happy and satisfied doing most of the child rearing myself if that’s what life called for.

I know that this is hard to read….My younger brother recently broke up with his fiance and I know it’s hard but all you can do is be a support system and try and be there for your brother.  I also know it is hard to play nice with your SIL, but maybe when she says things about ‘not wanting to work’ you could say something like ‘I know right, I wish the same!’ in a joking way to make her realize how silly she is being. 

It’s so unfortuate because your SIL seems like the ‘my way or the hwy’ type and so she gets what she wants!  You will need to be there for your neice/nephew because it sounds like they will need a good role model!

Post # 9
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@CookieCreamCakes:  I dont think you can change anything. But I think you can do/say things to defend your brother. I think when she says things like that, you can look at her and say “you are being mean” and walk away. Passive aggressive people say things like that because no one stands up to them. Your brother is a victim, dont blame the victim.

Post # 10
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Agh. I knew a girl like this… well two– they were friends. I don’t know what I would do if someone like that was in my close family.

Sad thing is even if she got everything she thinks she wants, she wouldn’t be satisfied once she got it.

I got nothing. Aside from books. And they really only work if the person knows something is wrong. Maybe the book “Emotional Blackmail” or “Why is it Always About You?” Though I doubt those would go over very well with your sister in law. Maybe give her one of those the next time she starts on about things. 

Post # 11
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

I don’t know what you should do, but I sympathize. I always thought that marriage was about working together to build a future, not one person sitting around while the other buys things for them. I hope for the baby’s sake that she will grow out of it otherwise it sounds like it might end in a divorce eventually. 

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