Post # 1
Well firstly YAY we finally got engaged. I proposed to SO on his birthday on the beach in the rain and he said “Seriously? Yeah, sure!” Everyone is very excited etc etc.
Then the last couple of days this one friend has been reeeeally pushing for the position of bridesmaid. We’re not planning on getting married until the end of next year, we haven’t thought about anything else yet let alone who will be our bridal party. She is a good friend but I have only known her for just over a year and the main reason we’re friends is because our babies are the same age. I live in New Zealand and all of my closest friends are still in the UK but a few are planning on coming over here for the Wedding. I’ve known most of them for 10 years plus and we still talk regularly. I did get on very well with this girl over here but our friendship has been fraught the last few months as I have found her sometimes quite beligerent with her opinions and we don’t have a huge amount in common.
We had brunch today and she asked straight out “So am I still being bridesmaid or are you going to think about it for a while?” we had joked around in the past that if I got married she would be Bridesmaid or Best Man, but this was mostly her idea not mine. I said that well a few of my BEST gfs from home might be coming so I would have to think about it. She then started talking about how her and her Darling Husband had been talking about renewing vows for their 10th anniversary (they have only been married 5) and how SHE would have ME as her Bridesmaid or Best Man for that and had I thought about the fact that your witnesses over here have to be NZ residents (not sure if thats true or not yet) and various other comments including how she wondered if her son would still fit his tux that he wore to be a ring bearer in another wedding and that she was going to ask her friend who is a photographer to do a special deal and she would pay for our photos as a present. The girl takes nice photos but really not the style I like and I feel the cost of paying for that is a huge thing that I wouldn’t even ask a relative to pay for let alone a friend.
Am I being really ungrateful? I feel she is just being really full on and too involved so early on before I have decided what her role will be in the wedding. I know I should ask her to back off but she gets offended by anyone who doesn’t want her help or advice.
Post # 3
I would be changing the subject with her whenever she brought it up.
Post # 4
She’s a bit like a dog with a bone, wont let it go easily.
Post # 5
@Snowden: Tell her that you are enjoying being engaged and would prefer to focus on your relationship, not the wedding, until it sinks in a bit. I also wouldn’t be opposed to telling her that she’s being pushy!
Post # 6
@Snowden: i was in asimilar situation, all i did was say “havent thought about it that much yet, still waiting for it to sink in, weeee im so happy” (:
Post # 7
@Snowden: In that case, if you are sure you won’t ask her, I would give a flat “no”.
Of course couch it gently, something like: “Sorry, but it’s almost certainly a no. There will be a number of old friends coming over from the UK – girls I grew up with – and I will be choosing from them”.
Yes that’s blunt, but sometimes rudeness requires a blunt response.
Post # 8
@paula1248: ha! i would agree ,if you dont want her in the wedding , just flat out say it. and let her know your friends 10 yrs are the bm, and that you have a certian number of bm you would like to stay around… but you could also make her a hostess in the wedding , just gve her another title if she really wants to be in it
Post # 9
I would be as direct as possible while being as kind as possible. The longer you avoid telling her a flat out no, the longer this girl has to think about being a bridesmaid and may tell others. It will then be embarassing for her to later be told that she will not be in the wedding party.
I do feel bad for the girl, being a bridesmaid is really not much fun and most girls only do it for people they really care about. Reassure her that you value her friendship and be nice and include her in some of the pre-wedding activities. As far as her shoving vendors on you, just nicely say that it’s very sweet and so generous but that you cannot accept for her to pay for the photographer.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@MrsMJCarter2Be: +1. Agreed!
Congratulations on the recent engagement!!
If it’s not your idea of her being your Bridesmaid or Best Man, don’t do it! It sounds like she’s already imposing a lot of details on you. It’s your wedding — a once-in-a-lifetime significant event! If you need a quick/non-confrontational excuse, just say that it’s bad luck to include married women as bridesmaids (which is true in my culture).
I had a college acquaintance who did the same thing, but it appears that she was only wanting to be a bridesmaid for the prestige of having being one, as well as being given the opportunity to bluntly tell me what I should do. Luckily, she showed her true colours early by being very controlling/negative & judgemental/always throwing temper tantrums, which confirmed my doubts early with her as Bridesmaid or Best Man. (This former acquaintance and yours could be identical twins!!)
Listen to your gut!
Post # 11
I agree with @paula1248- you have to be upfront and tell her no- now is not the time to be all polite and British about this… you have to be upfront.
You can do it in a constructive and positive way by thanking her for her willingness and kindness to OFFER to do all the HARD WORK that comes along with being a bridesmaid (by putting it this way you are making it clear that it was her idea not yours) such as providing advice, helping with details on the wedding and planning etc. However, that this is not what you vision for your wedding as you and your Fiance have a special equality in your relationship that means that all of the decision-making and planning is going to be done just between the two of you to make sure that the wedding reflects both your own unique style and keeps within budget. That will also be a good opportunity for you and your Fiance to grow closer in your engagement over an extended period of time as you tackle decision making and practical issues
(in reality you and I know you will probably still do most of the planning but she can’t argue with this at the time and it will stop her from interfering- you can also trot this out as your defence line whenever anyone tried to mess with your planning or interfere over the next 12- 18 months, it’s worked for me a treat).
Secondly, that you have close friends in the UK for more than a decade that represent your links, growth during your most important times in your life and especially continuity with “home”- UK it’s important to you to have one of your British girlfriends stand up for you on your big day since you have established your life in a foreign land. If your pushy friend asks who…. say that you haven’t decided but that you want to leave it closer to the time to see who will be able to make the trip depending on their own family committments, mortgages, plans, any pregnancies etc that may prevent them from coming without the pressure of being committed too soon.
This leaves the issue of bridesmaids resolved with your NZ friend and no one locked in for the role as an alternate just yet. Sound ok?
Post # 12
PS- In answer to your question- you are not being ungrateful- you are being hijacked by her… it’s your wedding not hers
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I just wrote this on another post – From personal experience one of my biggest planning regrets is choosing bridesmaids so far away from the date
- You may not want her as bridesmaid come this time next year and then your post will be “how do I fire overbearing bridesmaid”. Ive had to “fire” one – it is not nice.
- One of my bridesmaid who Id been friends with for years I stopped talking to – and then found out she was pregnant so would have not done it anyway as travelling with a newborn … probs not
- Two original bridesmaid have been sat around waiting for me to do something as I asked them and then there was nothing for them to do. things like venue and just the logistics of everything ive had to sort out first.
Lots and lots of things can happen in a year and I actually think its nicer not to charge people with this responsibility until closer to the date when your ready to focus on stuff like dress shopping. I would just tell yoou friend youre deciding closer to the date
Post # 14
@Snowden: agree completely
Post # 15
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’m having brunch with her again this week so if this topic comes up, which it will. I’m just going to say “As the wedding is so far away still, I’m waiting to find out which of my friends/relatives are coming over before I decide on any wedding party. Would you like to come with me and a few others to the weddinge expo next month?” I think the key will be making sure other people are always involved so she doesn’t think I’m giving her special treatment because I’m planning on her being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
@Cynderbug: Thanks for the congratulations! I’ve kind of forgotton that we should be celebrating because people are getting so grumpy with me for not having made decisions straight away! Haha
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@Snowden: Haha, people being grumpy for not making decisions right away. That’s the one!! It’s been less than a month for me since he asked, and every day is still surreal despite being together for 6 years. I now understand why my Fiance didn’t want to announce our engagement right away. Y’know, that awkward phase when you stop calling him “boyfriend” .. and say my ‘fiance’.