Announcing pregnancy to friends dealing w/ infant loss/infertility Show respect

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Hostess
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

How far along are you?  It is completely acceptable to wait until you are into the second trimester to notify friends that you are pregnant so maybe waiting that time will help with some of their healing.

Post # 4
Member
4223 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That’s tough. Are you close enough to these women that you could just say to them quietly, that you’re not really sure what to say and you want to be sensitive to them about this? If it were me, I would find that to be a nice way to do it. I think no matter what, they’re going to have some sorrow as well as happiness for you. It’s so nice of you to be so cognizant of their feelings. My co workers have been very insensitive regarding my issues with this. You’re a sweet person really. Kudos. 

Post # 5
Member
3677 posts
Sugar bee

A friend of mine recently went through something similar to this – she went through some serious complications with pre-eclampsia and lost her baby. At the same time, one of her co-workers was out on maternity leave after having a healthy baby. After she got out of the hospital, my friend went over to visit the co-worker and the newborn. The co-worker, in her defense, was probably just freaked out and didn’t know what to say – so she opted to say nothing, which was a mistake. My friend said that was the most hurtful aspect of the visit – that her loss wasn’t even acknowledged. I think the co-worker was making a misguided attempt to protect my friend, but it totally backfired.

So, I would say, however you decide to tell her, I would preface it with an acknowledgement that you’re aware that it might be painful. Maybe you tell her privately, ahead of time, so she doesn’t have to learn the news along with the rest of the office?

Post # 6
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Uptowngirl2857:  I would speak to them in person and in private, if things get emotional. Express to them that you want to share this exciting time with them but that you care for them as your friend and wanted to be as sensitive as possible to their feelings. I bet they will be touched by your consideration and really happy for you.

Post # 7
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Uptowngirl2857:  I honestly don’t get these threads. Infertility, while sad and disappointing for people, is hardly the end of the world – particularly if they already have a kid! You haven’t done anything wrong or criminal. While it’s kind of you to be considerate of their feelings, keep it in perspective. Tell them when and how you want to tell them and if they can’t be happy for you, well, that doesn’t reflect very well on them frankly.

As for your friend at work, tell her how sorry you are for her loss and ask how you can help. Keep the baby talk away from her but don’t feel like you can’t be happy too.

Post # 9
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Uptowngirl2857:  I didn’t have to deal with this first hand at the time, but when I got married I had two friends from the same circle of friends, one (friend a) who unfortunately lost her baby boy after a few minutes after being born (they knew this would happen from the begining of the second trimester) and another friend (friend b) who was 7 months pregnant with her own baby boy. I spoke to friend b and just gave her the heads up that friend a was at her table. I spoke to mutual friends of friend a and was given a piece of good advice … be respectful, of course, but people who experience loss, or infertility, cannot be kept in a bubble. The world is going to continue to move on around them. 

Post # 10
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Zhabeego:  

@awakemysoul:  

I hope  you never have to deal with infertility. But both of you have no idea how heartbreaking it is. Yes, I get that we dont live in a bubble, but we do deserve to be dealt with respect. When you are infertile, you have the same emotions as if you lost a child. A child that you  never got to meet. There are times I can feel my child’s spirit and I know I’m supposed to be it’s Mom, but it just cant take physical form. It kills me to hear my friends talk about all the joy they get from their kids. I’m happy for them, but it stabs my heart a little each time. 

So do I want to hear about my friends pregnancy? Yes, of course. Will I be happy for them? Yes, Yes, Yes. But will my heartbreak a little? YES! Does it feel better when they acknowledge my pain? Yes and I love them more for their compassion. 

By telling your friends privately you are being a great compassionate friend. It allows them to work through the pain and negative feelings (which we dont want to feel and know is “wrong”) in our own time and way. Once we’ve worked through them, we can be supper happy for you. 

Congratualtions!

PS- after a little while, you might want to ask them how much information/sharing they would like for the rest of the pregnancy/birth. Also, invite them to the baby shower, but let them know you totally understand and wont be hurt if they cant attend. 

 

Post # 11
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@KoiKove:  I never said the OP shouldn’t treat her friends with respect or compassion – only that she need not feel her pregnancy is some sort of intentional slap in the face to them for which she need apologize or feel guilty. Certainly be sensitive but no one should have to walk on eggshells or fear displeasing an infertile friend by the manner or  timing in which they choose to share the news of their pregnancy.  Infertility isn’t terminal. Sad,yes. End of the world, no.

i will say this, I think it’s absurd and quite awful that you compare infertility to the death of an actual child or any other person. Talk about insensitive! 

Post # 12
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

@Zhabeego:  I have to completly agree with you. Infertility is an awful thing to deal with and comes with it’s own special kind of pain and sadness, but it is not the same as losing a child. 

Post # 13
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Zhabeego:  Until I was in this place I would have said the same thing. But until you are here, you will never know the depths of grief you go through.  I wish there were words to describe the pain or make you understand. But there just arent. I just hope you are lucky enough to never understand what I’m talking about…

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

The tactful thing to do… is as another Bee mentioned is to tell them in person one-on-one.

AND as someone else mentioned, annoucing a Pregnancy should be done LATER rather than SOONER (ie second trimester usually)

And it is specifically for this reasoning…

Say you tell either of these ladies who have had problems getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or delivering healthy babies that you are pregnant

Then god forbid something goes wrong with your pregnancy (knock on wood it doesn’t… I feel weird even typing this but I have to for the point of the post)

Chances always being highest in the first trimester

Then what…

They will not only be feeling bad about their own situations but as a friend they’ll be devastated by yours

THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS that Etiquette states you don’t announce early

It is to respect others… and the unfortunate situation that they may be going thru **

Hope this helps,

** This is different from sharing long afterwards with others… (“Oh I can relate, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy”).  When you overshare early such as the example I gave above, and then lose a baby you are grieving, and others end up grieving with you.  This can be as I said devastating for GFs who have also gone thru the experience at one time.  Not to say you have to grieve alone, but it is something best done with one’s nearest & dearest (ie family)

I hope that makes sense.

 

Post # 15
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@Uptowngirl2857:  I would actually encourage you not to tell them to their faces.  That may seem counter intuitive, but telling them over the phone or in an email allows them to deal with the information in the best way for them.  Where to your face, they will may feel that they have to “keep up appearances”.  IMO, email is ideal.  It allows them to process the news, before replying.

If by chance you do get a less then enthusiastic reply from them, just remember that isn’t not that they are not happy for you.  They are.  They are also just sad for themselves.

It is very kind of you to consider the feelings of these two friends.

Post # 16
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@KoiKove:  Perhaps you did not read my post thoroughly, or in its entirety. I never once implied that people who are dealing with infertility (and yes, I’ve never dealt with it, but I have had friends very close to me deal with it, so I have some awareness) or people who are dealing with the grief of losing a child, should not be dealt with respect. In fact, I implicitely stated that the advice I got from the person who dealt with the grieving of their loss infant, was to be respectful (and by extension compassionate), but she said (and maybe that was what she needed, and not the same goes for everyone) to not put her in a bubble. 

So please don’t accuse me of not being respectful or compassionate towards people who struggle with infertility. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors