annoyances when having a newborn

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Mrslovebug:  People feed you a good line when you’re pregnant. “Oh, I woulkd NEVER bother a parents their first week home.” Yeah. Right. My issues was the opposite with yours when my baby would cry. Everyone told me when I was pregnant to not run to my child right away if he or she cries. So I don’t becuase I know which cry is which. What doesn’t everyone else do? Runs to him right away. Or they look at me like I’m a shitty mom for wanting to finish my glass of milk before picking him up.

Anyway, in your case, I think boundaries need to be set and your DH needs to help. Honestly, let them stand at the door knocking up a storm. They will go away eventually, and hopefully get the hint that they aren’t welcome right now.

And as far as the invasive questions, ignore them or shut them down. I got the same thing regarding breastfeeding, but DH’s grandma was also all up on weight, especially when I was pregnant, and I just told her flat out, “I highly doubt it is any of your business. My doctors will address it if its a problem.”

Everyone will think they can parent your child better than you. Take it with a grain of salt and just say, “Thanks for your input, but I know what’s best for my child.” Sounds kind of bitchy, but that’s the approach I had to take after peope started ignoring my parenting requests.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  megz06.
Post # 3
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Mrslovebug:  I did not go through that, but I can be pretty harsh when needed, and maybe the people around where just not like that. I would maybe try to put up a sign on the front door saying “baby and mommy sleeping, DO NOT RING, DO NOT KNOCK, call back later.” I would maybe add in a smaller font “even you, Grandma”.

And I would make it clear (again, I guess) that the boy your Garndma is a guardian too is not welcome at the moment. Then, if she comes with him, tell her she cannot come in. Sheesh, the nerve.

Sometimes you gotta be as respectless as people are with you to get them to understand you. You do not need the added stress in with should be an amazing bonding time.

Post # 4
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

you and your husband first need to be on the same page about where you two stand on these visitors and the way they go about visiting. Then enforce it, no exceptions. People can get as upset as they want to, you run the show (along with your husband) and they will have to deal. Be more firm. When they knock, go answer it and say “sorry, we can’t really have company right now. Next time you want to come visit we would love to have you so give us a call first to make sure it’s a good time.” Be clear and direct and if they ignore it, next time be a bit meaner and say “look, we are trying to adjust to a new baby  and surprise visits like this aren’t really something we can deal with right now. We need warning, so I’m sorry but again, now is not a good time and you would have known that had you called beforehand like we originally requested.” end of story.

Post # 5
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Your issue is one of setting and enforcing boundaries. You are allowing people to walk all over you. As I told one of my staff recently, sweetie, it’s time for you to grow a pair, speak up for yourself, and stop allowing everyone else to do as they please while you suffer. You and your husband must be your own advocates when dealing with pushy, boundary-less people.

Post # 7
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Mrslovebug:  I dont know how your handling all this! I’m just newly pregnant and am really concerned about some similar things happening with us (with my IL’s). And we have issues being able to talk to his parents candidly because they are “very sensitive peopl”. Well Im going ot be telling my DH….your parents are adults and they need to grow up if their own son cant simplay talk to them about what everyones expectations are for when the baby comes. If he doesnt do I certainly will. I plan on planting as many seeds as I possibly can to initial certain topics (when we tell them) and I plan on making sure my wishes are clear….. once I’ve done that I have ground to stand on WHEN they cross the line (which I know they will). DH thinks its best to leave things alone until they come up and Im trying to explain to him that will just make it worse or we’ll be in the position you are now MrsLovebug…. basically IN the position and not able to do anything about it/or DH wont say anything.

I really dont know how you havent flipped your shit at these people. You need to stop being a roll with it and go Al Pacino on everyone. Enough is enough already and your totally justified in how you feel! Tell grandma you love her and respect her but if she wakes up your baby one more time because of her knocking she wont be visiting for a month!

Post # 8
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You really just need to enforce some boundaries.  One of my family members wanted to hold the baby all the time while visiting.  I could tell that she was getting hungry (this was like 1 week after birth, if it’s been 2 hours, she’s hungry) and she told me that “surely baby couldn’t be hungry again, they do *this* when they’re hungry.”  And I just have to go and take my baby away from her.  Just don’t listen to everyone, you know your baby best.

Or someone will want to skype with the baby at 9pm.  Um no, sorry baby is now tired or feeding or going to bed.  Try again at a reasonable hour.  I just tell grandma NO you can’t skype right now.  When we wen to visit in laws we didn’t get there until 10 pm so they wanted to wake the baby and hold her (baby was 6 weeks).  I was okay with this for awhile because she slept in the car quite a bit but when it was getting to be 11:30pm I told them it was time for bed and took my baby away and left the room.  They can deal with it/

Babies do “sleep through the night” as early as 6-8 weeks but it doesn’t really mean sleeping through the night like we think at certain ages.  5-6 hours is “sleep through the night” for a 2-3 month old.  the 7-8 hour stretches come after 4 months.

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Mrslovebug: Tough love time coming from a place of commiseration: No, you do not have to tread lightly. Treading lightly is what got you into this mess in the first place. I’m a people pleaser,and I went through these struggles myself, trying to keep the peace. And you know what? “Keeping the peace” is not possible unless you want to be a doormat. I learned that it was better in the long run for me to stand my ground and p*ss people off. Afterall, I had what they wanted… access to my kid. I held the cards, and yet I was just giving them away for fear of people being mad. It was hard at first, but they eventually learned that I did not have to tolerate their inconsiderate behavior.

You have the thing that they want. They can learn to play by your rules or they can stand on the front porch ’till the cows come home. Your game, your rules. Start enforcing the rules or stop complaining about their behavior. Afterall, they are only doing what you let them get away with doing.

I know that is harsh and I am truly sorry if it hurts your feelings. Really, that is not my goal. I want you to take control of this instead of being victim to it. This is your happiness at stake. Do not allow other people to trample on that. You deserve to enjoy this time. I wish you the absolute best. growing a pair to deal with family is really hard, but it’s also really worth it. And I promise that this skill will come in handy in an infinite number of ways farther down the line. Good luck!!!!!!

Post # 10
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

lovekiss:  I fully agree! tip-toe-ing around the situation is only enabling their behavior. They know what they want and they know they can get it because you guys wont stand up to them. If someone is having their cake and eating it too, they’re not going to give one up unless someone takes it from them/doesnt give it to them.

It’s almost like when you teach kids a lesson…. if they do something good they get rewarded… if they are bad and STILL get rewarded because its just easier to give in…what kind of lesson is that? This will roll over years from now into the entire raising of your child if they dont get slapped on the hand now. It may ruffle feathers or “upset” the balance of “peace” but at what what cost? your sanity…. your marriage…..and also your future relationship with THEM! They need to realize that life will be much more difficult if this keeps going because your going to build up a mountain of resentment towards them and at some point you will snap and it will be 10x worse.

At least if you explain things to them in a SERIOUS WAY (as in have a talk about your boundaries and tell them what the consequences will be if they continue to impose. Not just in passing but a scheduled sit down talk so no one can say oh whatever I wasnt listening) that way if they do cross the line you have a leg to stand on when you have to say you know what? I’ve asked you x amount of times not to ______. So far you havent respected our wishes so guess what!!!

Post # 11
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You are a far more tolerant woman than I am. I would have drawn the line right there in that delivery room. Just because they are all used to walking all over your H doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate it.  Don’t be rude or nasty, but let them know in no uncertain terms that your baby comes first and that you  are not a  pushover. Stand up for yourself and set those ground rules right away if you don’t want this to be  your future. 

H should be on the same page, but if he is not always around, he needs to be backing you up when you make these decisions. This is not to say that you should exclude people, but you get to decide when it is convenient for people  to come by.  If the relatives are reassured that they will get their time, maybe they will start to be  less pushy. 

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Can you schedule some “visiting hours” with the family and say that they are welcome over at the house from such and such hours on such and such day? That way, if they don’t come by during your set time, you have every right to tell them to come back at the time and date you’ve set. And you will have a built in time for them to leave. So maybe every Thursday from 2-4, etc. And when time’s up, time’s up. And make an age cutoff…no children under 10, for example.

Post # 13
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would lose my shit if someone intentionally or a carelessly woke up my baby from a nap, especially if it was sorely needed! Follow lovekiss’ advice and just say no. Then say it again. And again. And simply do not answer the door at all. They sound insane!

Post # 14
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Hang in there mama and stop answering the door. In fact just call the cops, they are not welcome and are uninvited when they show up. If your DH doesn’t get on board and start enforcing rules with his family and start supporting you (guilting you into letting his parents watch the baby) – then you two are in for some rough times. I only accept visitors who contact me in advance and they are limited to a 1 hour visit. Establishing a BF relationship and routine with your newborn is the single MOST important thing you can do right now. If you don’t draw the line now its only going to get worse in the future. Timeouts for the next person that disprepects your rules! The extended family needs to know that you mean business! (I’ve been reading a LOT of dealing with the inlaws at babycenter & am starting to have no tolerance for boundary stompers!)

Post # 15
cherrypieBee
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

For a newborn, “sleeping through the night” means a 5-hour stretch of sleep without a feed, not the whole night. So even if she isn’t doing that yet, it’s still more attainable than 8-10 hrs! That night feed will happen for a long time. 🙂

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