Post # 1
A little background – I have never gotten along too well with my BIL. The first time my sister brought him home, he introduced himself as (no joke this is verbatium) “Hi I used to be an alcoholic but I’m a pacifist now.” I was around for about 2 years when they first started dating before I moved to France, but he never really made much of an effort to get to know me and I’ll admit he always rubbed me the wrong way (no high school degree, couldn’t keep a job for more than a few months, no manners, the list goes on…). Anyways, my sister and him got engaged about 3 years ago. Because I realized he was going to be in our lives for good I made more of an effort to reach out, which long story short resulted in him telling my French SO that while the US did not need France in the war in Afghanistan, the French would do whatever the US said because we are the US. It was not true and highly rude. I only go home once a year, and he never made a effort to try to at least act like he was interested in seeing me – like if I went to say hi after not seeing my family for 18 months he would just continue the conversation on cars or something. I brought this point up with my sister, and her response was “well, (BIL) just doesn’t value family much, it just not relationships that hold much meaning for him.” So yeah….they got married a few months ago. I did my best to support my sister for her wedding, I spent at least two months of paychecks trying to make it to the wedding and be a bridesmaid. I’ll admit I’m not thrilled about her choice, but I supported them because I’m family and that is what family does. Despite him being less than tactful, I have always been friendly towards him, so it’s not like we’ve had any blow out fights.
So now, I’m engaged and planning my wedding in France. I realize that it is an inconvenance for my side to come and I’ve tried to be as accomodating as I can…but this is where my life is now. Most of my family is not able to make it, and while I wish they could come I completely understand it is not an easy trip to make. Originally my sister and her husband were planning on coming together. He has actually been out of work since 2008, and I know finances are kind of tight. My parents offered to loan them the money (which they could pay back when they could, so it’s not like the loan would affect their day to day lives). Anyways, 6 weeks before the wedding I find out that my BIL backed out of coming. I was told by my sister that it was for financial reasons, but it seemed a little odd that they changed their minds so late and they weren’t even footing the bill…So I talk to my dad (who can’t keep secrets for the life of him), who told me that BIL said “I just don’t like Paris.”
I am floored by this man’s ignorance. He has never been to Paris or France! I’m extremely annoyed…With all my extended family who can’t come, they have at least expressed (or have enough sense to fake) regret that they can’t make it. BIL just has no concept of family whatsoever. I’m annoyed my sister married someone who is so insensitive. I’m living in France. My FI is French. My kids one day will speak French. How can I possibly try to forge a relationship with my BIL when he clearly has no interest in treating me with any respect? I have to say part of me is relieved he won’t be there, and another part of me is ashamed that I don’t want my own family at my wedding even though he has no interest in being part of the family.
Anyways, save the comments about people will do what they want with their own money, and no one cares as much about the wedding except for the bride and groom. I don’t care as much that he isn’t going to the wedding as much as that he is just disrepectful.
Post # 3
I simply cannot wrap my head around how your sister is OK with this –> “well, (BIL) just doesn’t value family much, it just not relationships that hold much meaning for him.”
Sorry to hear it. 🙁
Post # 4
I know this is a vent but I’m thinking of this from the perspective of what a relief that some a**hole won’t be at your wedding!!!
Post # 5
I agree, just be happy he won’t be there because he very well could spent the entire time making fun of France & the French. When I visited Paris with friends years ago 2 of them hated it, they just sat around bashing the country, people, food, everything. It was ridiculous and embarassing.
I know it’s hard because you want that relationship but I think he’s made it clear that he doesn’t care.
Post # 6
@Ms. Martian: Yeah, I was happy to hear he wasn’t going to come because I was concerned about his behavior…but when I told my FI about it, he was actually quite upset about it because he is still family and feels snubbed. So my wonderful FI who actually cares about the concept of family, ended up making me feel guilty for being relieved for the news. I guess I’m now just more pissed off that my BIL is so inconsiderate, which is much worse of a problem than an empty seat at the wedding.
Post # 7
i would have thought you would be glad hes not coming to be honest – hes the type of person that goes to another country and then complains about the food and people not speaking english
“I just dont like Paris”… hes never been to Paris or France
*facepalm* and to think, he might breed!
Post # 8
UGH. So very rude. I’m so sorry. My SIL (who I’ve known since she was 13 – I consider her more like an actual sister since I basically watched her grow up) has chosen someone similar. This person hates me and DH, for some unknown reason. Has gone as far as unadding us then readding us on facebook as “friends.” It is ridiculous grown adults can be this immature!!
Post # 9
When I started reading this I felt a sense of relief for you that this ignorant ass won’t be at your wedding and won’t have an opportunity to embarrass you or your family. It seems that you felt that as well so I would just focus on that feeling. It’s probably for the best to not have this negative person around before your wedding and on the day off.
It boggels my mind that your sister chose this person, who clearly does not value anyone else, as her life partner. Speaking from experience, as someone who has a horrendous BIL, you will drive yourself crazy if you continue to try to have a relationship with him or expect any sort of civility from him.
I have saved myself much frustration and tears by pretending my BIL just doesn’t exist, expecting absolutely nothing from him and never going out of my way for him. It took me some time to get to that point, but once I did, there was so much relief. I would say focus on your relationship with your sister, but don’t factor her husband into the relationship with her or your family.
(email/PM me if you want to talk more about it).
Post # 10
Is your sister still coming?
Post # 11
@Au Jardin: OMG I am marrying a Frenchman too! I definitely understand your pain. The trip is super far and you want your immediate (siblings, sibling in-laws, parents, nieces and nephews) family there. I can understand how that is painful to you. I am in a similar situation where my mother in law is saying she won’t come to the US despite the fact that we’re buying her ticket. Some people are really ignorant about the unknown. You need to put the burden on your sister to get her husband to come. This should not be ok to her. She’s essentially allowing him to be disrepectful You are probably stressed enough. I know I’m there. You don’t have time to worry about him being ignorant and selfish. This is not an event that happens all the time. Good luck!