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@hilsy85: I would feel the exact same way. I had a friend visit me for 10 days and she had very little money- but she brought me a beautifully written card, a copy of one of her comics, and a bottle of wine.
The gesture meant a lot to me. I would never expect anything expensive, but I was raised to believe that a guest should always offer something, however modest.
Your right, its not polite on their end. And again, your right, there isnt much you can do now.
Just know in the future if you invite them along ask them to bring a few bottles of wine, or to host dinner one night. That way they chose how much they pay for those items even if its Hamburger Helper and boxed wine.
Some people just dont "get it" as what is polite. To bring a hostess gift at the minimum. However, you were the host and offered no other suggestions so they correctly assumed you would supply all the essentials.
@Evie19: Exactly! If they had brought a long a bottle of wine, that would have been really appreciated. I was also raised to believe that as a guest, you should always always offer to contribute..
@lefeymw: I guess I didn't think that I would need to say, "Hey do you guys mind kicking in some money for the food/booze?". And of course, I wasn't going to not buy food/drinks just because they weren't offering to get them. Honestly, it pissed me off so much that I don't really want to have them over again in the near future--we were supposed to have a book club meeting at my apt, but now I feel like cancelling that and saying let's go somewhere else.
@hilsy85: Your anger is totally understandable. When guests act like that it makes you feel like youre being taken advantage of.
It's a very difficult decision trying to decide whether youd confront them, or ask them to bring something...I mean- you shouldn't have to ask them, and it also feels rude to do so.
Since they are really good friends of yours, have they ever acted like this before? Do they have a history of this kind of rude behavior?
No you have every right to be annoyed. That would annoy me as well. Even if you were planning on paying for everything all along, an offer would have been nice. It's the thought that counts!
I have cheap friends too. My one BM, who makes the most money out of all of us, was told that the budget for a gift basket for the shower is $20. My sister told her that they all would get together in August to put the baskets together. My BM says "is that Ok if we do it at the end of August? My student loan payment is due at the beginnign of the month and so I'd prefer to do it after my loan payment"....really?!?! people kill me
@Evie19: Actually yes...one of them does. We were studying abroad in Europe and on spring break in Italy. My parents were also there on vacation, so we met up with them for a few days. My parents took us out to dinner two or three times, and then my dad pulled me aside and said, "Do they (there was my friend and another girl we were with) expect me to pay for all their meals?". I felt so embarrassed, and finally spoke up at dinner that night and said, "hey do you guys mind putting in something for your food?" But she didn't even offer to pay anything, didn't even pull out her wallet until I said something--same thing this weekend.
The other friend that was with us this weekend, I haven't really experienced this before. And I forgot, she did actually pay for something--she paid our entrance fee to the pool club. However, it was only $5 a person, so she spent $10 total, lol. But I guess it's better than nothing!
I read the original post and laughed to myself because I have totally done that before! I am not cheap but sometimes things do get lost in translation. Last year, I stayed with a friend for 4 days when I was in town for her baby shower and now that I think of it, I didn't offer to pay for anything. Perhaps I'm just rude but I am not cheap. I wouldn't have minded if she asked me, but it just didn't occur to me! We went out to eat plenty of times and I paid my way and we ordered in once or twice and I didn't pay.
I agree with PPs next time just throw it out there, they may just be clueless as to how you are feeling.
Yeah i would be annoyed too. I think its nice to atleast offer to buy the groceries for one meal or one day... but some people act a bit dense when it comes to money
@hilsy85: I mean...some parents really do not teach their children manners.
Sorry you had to go through all that, I've had really awful guests before (living in Greece I get a lot of visitors pretty often) and I know how it feels.
If there is some polite way to make a point to them, I havent figured out how to do it yet. :)
Some people are just cheap. Also-- I feel like sometimes when you have a different financial situation than your friends they feel like you can/should just pay whatever because you "have it."
No you are not over reacting!! I would be annoyed too. Whenever we go to a beach trip or go away with friends we always split costs or if someone is hosting us we always bring something or offer to.
Quick question.. do they own their own homes? I find the friends who do this most often are those who do not own a home or supply food for a family of people.. they just don't seem to see the cost involved and thus do not think to chip in.
It's very odd that they wouldn't offer anything so I agree with pp's, sometimes you gotta be a little more blunt and say "hey can you bring potato salad to go with lunch, and a desert for one of our dinners". None of our friends have ever been offended by that, in fact after asking them to do that once they now bring things along without having to be asked.
It's not about "gift grabbing" in terms of wine or something, it's just expensive to host over a few days and since they are not paying anything for accomodations or anything they should at least help out with food and beverages, in my opinion.
FI's friends on the other hands are as blunt as can be and when we go camping or to a cottage or something it's always "ok groceries for all of us are costing X so you owe us Y, and there's never any drama!
wow i can't believe they wouldn't at least offer to help to pay for anything! i'd be so annoyed too. when we go on trips with friends, we always split all the food and drink costs evenly. even when we go over to someone's house for dinner, we always bring drinks, and usually ask if there's something we could bring, or if we order in we split the food cost...i would definitely cancel the book club meeting you were supposed to host, maybe saying something to them like "i really can't afford to host again so soon since it was more expensive than i realized it would be to host you guys..." it's kind of a passive-aggressive way to confront them, but maybe they're just really clueless about basic manners?
Yeah, I understand your annoyance, and agree with PP's that there is not too much you can do now... I don't think it would have hurt at all while it was happening to ask them to provide something.
There is a really good chance that they just didn't think of it. I only realized a couple years ago that one really should always bring something when visiting someone else. I just was never explicitly taught that. Whenever we went somewhere, my mom took care of offering to bring something!
That's really rude that they didn't even offer to pay or bring anything!! I always offer to bring something when we go out to a friends house. But, like a PP said, if they aren't used to doing things like this or own a home, they might not think that way.
I would definitely bring it up to them and see what they say
Wow thats annoying , I agree with some of the other posters suggestions ... let them know what they can bring to contribute next time
My FI has a really rich friend, I mean REALLY rich (millionaire status). Everytime we go out FI and I are always going overboard to contribute b/c the rest of the group just looks at the dude and excepts him to pay. I mean the check will come for dinner and no one (except FI and I cause it is just so embarrassing and ungracious) will even touch the thing cause well, he has money right? It's gross.
Part of the reason why rich people like to hang with other rich people :(
@CorgiTales: That's exactly how DH and I felt like they were acting, and to me that is completely unacceptable. Just because we may be more comfortable than you, that doesn't mean that you get to take advantage of us!
@NJmeetsBX: It's one thiing if you go out to eat, and you pay for your own meal. That's totally fine, and if we had been going out a lot, there's no way we would have paid for them, so they woudl have paid for themselves and it would have been fine. But we cooked a ton and drank a ton of beer/wine/drinks, and they didn't contribute at all to buying anything. I just think it's a good thing to think about when you're staying with someone--even to just ask, "Is there anythiing I can bring? Anything I can do to help?"
@MissSawyer: Well, none of us own our own homes, lol...however, both of them live at home (one of them lives there full time while she works, another is at law school in PA and is home for the summer living with her parents). I guess it's true that DH and I are more "mature" in terms of living stuff and knowing the costs of cooking, entertaining, etc. But to me, it's a no brainer--you see us constantly buying things and taking out our own wallets, how does it not occur to you to offer to pay?! I really wish we had just been blunt like your FI and his friends, lol.
@finnaroo: haha that's actually a good idea!!! Maybe I will use that...I sometimes do appreciate a good passive-aggressive remark :)
@Aubergold: EXACTLY. And it's not like DH and I are super wealthy or anything, but it's true--we're going away to the house next weekend with another couple who is more on our own financial level and we KNOW that they will offer a million times to bring stuff, pay for beer/groceries, bring up wine, etc. It's so obnoxious to assume that people who have the money to pay for stuff should be paying for everything for everyone. And DH is SO generous, so he'll often just be like, "Oh, let's just get the check for everyone." But then we have an experience like this and it sours us on doing something nice like that.
@PitBulLover: Exactly! That's what we assumed would happen. I guess it's true what they say about assumptions....
@joy2011: I knooo I wish I had said something this weekend!! I feel like it's too late now, though...
Wow, whenever we plan trips like this we always make a "host" schedule. Someone is the host for a certain day. It is the host's responisibilty for that day to cook, clean, and buy anything associated with their duties (whether it be alcohol, ingredients, board games, etc) This way each person has one day of work and the rest of the time is relaxing :)
Maybe next time you could do something like this ahead of time so they know what is expected?
Totally understandable that you're upset/annoyed.
I just don't get the "cheap friends" - there are certain things that should be common sense, your example included!
Another example, we have some friends that we go out to dinner with from time to time, and we ALWAYS ask for separate checks, but they are such poor tippers that we always hang back and leave a few extra dollars on the table (they literally count out change/coins).
And one more, I have three older brothers, and this year is my parents' 50th/60th birthdays (mom and dad respectively). We decided instead of throwing a huge party for each of them, we'd pool our cash and get them a gift certificate to www.cheapcaribbean.com so they could book a trip of their choice and get away and enjoy themselves! I had suggested to my brothers that we each throw in $200, which would give the parents a nice start of $800 toward whatever trip they wanted to do, and would still be cheaper than two separate parties. They all agreed, and then I ordered the certificate using my credit card.
Afterward, only ONE of the three brothers gave the agreed-upon $200. One of the others, I could understand, as he was going through some tough times (recent divorce, etc) and was able to contribute $100, but my other brother sent me a check for $50. No explanation, nothing. I asked him about the other $150 and he said that because they were moving, that's all he would send. But he's in the military and the Air Force pays for their move, so I think that's kind of bullsh*t personally. especially since my husband and I already put in more to make up for the other brother... so rude!
@firsttimemom: I don't mind cooking and even cleaning--I really enjoy making meals. It was really the financial aspect of it that pissed us off. To be honest, I'm thinking it will be a while before we do soemthing similar with them, unfortunately. But when/if we do, that's a good suggestion.
@7SEVENJ9: Ugh so annoying...That would annoy me so much too if my sister did something like that!
i would also be annoyed.... dh and i are the only ones out of our friends who have steady jobs, a home, and some extra spending money.... seriously... its hard to be on two seperate financial levels....we try to go out with our friends and the response we get is... well i dont have any money, or i cant afford that.... (oh but you can afford to sit on your a** all day and smoke) mostly its just laziness with them... but yea... theyre cheap. i would have said something to them personally.... but im kinda a biatch sooooo yea lol
Wow - they're definitely out of line, IMO. Whenever we travel with friends, we always split all of the costs. No one (no matter what their income/financial status) should have to bear the brunt of the trip costs.
@stephanie63087: Yup, we have that experience too. To me, if they didn't have the money to come on the trip and pay at least for some beers, then they should have declined, or should have spoken to me about it.
@Mrs.KMM: Yup, ITA! And we didn't even want them to share the costs all the way--just put in like $20!
@MissSawyer: I don't own my home and don't have much money to spare, but I certainly make a point of paying for my share when I do something like stay with someone at their beach house. I'll bring a few bottels of wine, cook dinner (and pay for hte ingredients) a few nights, etc. That's just basic courtesy!!
If you can't afford to contribute, then you shouldn't go. I agree entirely that it was rude of them not to offer. I also think that if you value these friendships and would otherwise enjoy having them stay with you, next time just say, "Hey guys, how do we want to divide it? Maybe Friend A can bring the wine, Friend B can bring the beer, and we'll pay for groceries? Or should we do one big shopping and split the bill?" Keep it casual and straightforward, and don't bring up the last time. Just make it clear that the baseline assumption is that you're not paying their share.
That's rude. My husband and I rented a cottage on Cape Cod one summer and invited another couple to stay with us for a few days (DH's best friend and his wife). They were awesome! We had the house stocked with everything we needed already because it was our trip, but they took us out to a big dinner the last night to say "thank you" and we had a great time. It's common courtesy if you're a guest.
@mightywombat: Oh I'm by no means saying that if you don't own a home you have no manners!! It's just sort of a trend I've noticed. Because even when I lived at home, I too bring stuff or at the very least offer up LOTS of help (ie. dishes, cleaning in general, food prep etc...) This are also the same people who will make a giant mess of the house when they visit, like leaving garbage and stuff everywhere or roughhouse and breaking stuff - they don't seem to understand what it means to value ones money and property.
Maybe we just need some new friends? Hahaha
I understand your annoyance, but I think for next time you should make sure your expectations are clear. My guess is that they just didn't think of it, were raised with a different set of what expectations are for guests, or were simply never taught that it's important to offer to contribute. Personally, I don't think it's fair for you to be so upset when you didn't say anything to them at the time and don't want to talk to them about it now. If you don't tell them (since obviously no one has), how will they know?
Whew! I just read through all of these posts and I can relate a lot! I'm going to try not to rant, but I have been affected by this so many times that it just truly upsets me.
My FI and I love to entertain in our home, as well as go out with friends, but I have had a lot of bad experiences with one of his closest friends, lets call him X. Every time something happens I try not to show my disgust, but rather I just tally it up in my head as another one of the times that I feel like he takes advantage of us financially.
The last time something happened however, it was so absolutely rude, and completely disrespectful that I wound up crying as I was preparing hors d'oeuvres while X was coming over. Basically I was cooking a ton of hors d'oeuvres and having a bunch of people over for snacks, drinks and board games. Whenever we entertain we don't usually expect people to bring any of the "main" things. We cover all the food and usually if people offer to bring something we just say drinks. Well this time I hadn't told X to bring anything, but while I was cooking I realized that I forgot to buy juice to mix drinks with. Well, my FI called up X and asked him if he would mind buying a carton of juice on his way over and get this--------- X has the audacity to say flat out "no" and his reason being that "he wasn't drinking tonight"!!!! So he felt as though since he would not be drinking, there was no reason for him to bring juice. FI hung up the phone and that is when the tears began.
I do so much for a lot of people, X included, and he wouldn't even bring a carton of juice. And so I just sucked it up, tried to wipe the look of disgust off my face and told my FI, "just watch him...he will drink our drinks and will eat my food". Sure enough when he arrived and we offered him a drink he said "just water for me", but then later on in the night he had 3 beers and polished off quite a bit of the food. The whole thing had me livid- I made all kinds of expensive hors d'oeuvres, bought the drinks and hosted it at our house and he couldn't even bring just one carton of juice?
Not to mention on previous occasions when we go out for dinner he never reaches for his wallet to pay his way or at least contribute. It's to the point now where I don't like to go places with him because I know he won't pay...ever. My FI is a doctor and makes a lot more than X, which my FI constantly reminds me when these things happen, but I don't think that is ANY excuse. I feel like he takes advantage of the situation. Last weekend X left the bar assuming (of course) that we would pay for his drinks, last time we went out for dinner my FI paid for everyone, etc.
Sorry, I was trying not to rant, but somehow I did just that. It just really really bothers me!
I would have been super annoyed if I were you! You aren't their parents, they are guests in your home and the least they could do is show up with a bottle of wine.. for the entire weekend.
DH and I don't have people do that to us thankfully, but there have been several times with a certain group of DH's friends where we planned a party or picnic and went through all the trouble of buying food and booze for it then they either were no-show's or cancelled at the last second after we already bought all the stuff. It's actually happened often enough at this point where I refuse to ever invite them over for a dinner or party we're having because we just can't count on them. We are inviting friends to my parents shore house this summer, for a friends-only weekend and this group of DH's friends are not welcome. We can only invite a certain amount of people based on the available bedrooms, so I'm not going to risk reserving a bedroom for any of them so they can cancel on us last minute, while our other friends would have loved to come.
I never stay friends with people like that for very long. You'd think it was common sense to make at least some gesture, but I guess some people missed the politeness memo.
Three of my friends and I went on a trip to Hawaii together when we finished our undergrad degrees. My parents very graciously footed the bill for our condo, and while Friend #1 sent them a nice thank you note when we got home, and Friend #2 thanked them in person at our graduation ceremony, Friend #3 didn't even ask me to thank them for her, let alone thank them herself, and the other two and my parents were pretty put out by that.
Friend #3 also complained the whole time about missing her boyfriend, and we would practically have to drag her to the beach so she wouldn't sit around moping the whole time. She racked up a bunch of long distance charges on our condo's phone talking to him, and then when it came time to pay the phone bill when we were checking out, she tried to claim that half the calls weren't hers. I can't even remember if she helped pay for groceries. Probably not.
Needless to say, Friend #3's selfishness (which continued after the trip) didn't really keep her on the greatest of terms with us and I think only one of us still even talks to her.
That is really rude. I'm not sure if it is a NYC women thing or immaturity thing. But I know a few girls like this who would expect my FI or any guy for that matter to pick up the tab no matter the situation.
So if my FI happened to meet us at a bar, they would just order a round of drinks and kinda stand there, wait for him to pay and say thank you!!! They were also the type of girls who would never reach for their wallet whether it was a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc dates, hang out with someone for rides, or timeshares etc.
So now they are in their 30s, and wondering why they are still single. Some people are just selfish, and it gets old whether it is a friend or SO. If this is a reoccuring theme and you care about them, I would say something because they probably do this to other people also and it may be ruining their other relationships.
When FI and I got engaged and started thinking about a family, we talked about who are our "real" friends and who are the "good time" friends. Real friends are the ones we know will be there for us, who will visit us in the hospital when we have our first kid or babysit on a whim because of an emergency, or generally be happy for us if we are doing well instead of wondering whats in it for them. Good time friends will probably check out once its not fun for them, make excuses etc
Real friends are gracious for your generosity, return favors and help you clean up after a party. Good times friends are the ones who come emptyhanded leave your home in a big mess and go to the bathroom right before the bill comes...
Okay, I have to ask, how did you word your invitation to them? Did you tell them, "Come on, you won't have to worry about a thing!" If you, in any way, suggested they wouldn't have to pay for anything then I don't think they were rude. I HATE when I tell someone I don't have money to do something, they offer to pay, then get mad when they had to pay for it. I usually never allow anyone to foot the bill for me. But, when someone begs me to come with them and I insist I can't afford it, it's all on them if they offer to pay. Not sure if this is how you did it, or not. If they invited themselves, they should have paid their own way. Perhaps, next time, you should say, " You guys can come but it's BYOB and food!"
Your friends showed very poor manners and wouldn't get a second invite from me.
I was raised to ALWAYS bring a hostess gift...even if it's just a flower picked from the garden. SOMETHING. How can people think it's OK to show up empty-handed?
I've been hosting meetings for my diet group recently and only a couple of them bothered to bring anything to contribute (although it is a potluck kind of thing) and nobody has EVER reciprocated by offering up their home for the meetings.
I make less money than all of them (no exagerration) and it has cost me about $60.00 each time in food and preparation. They have all been very quiet, waiting for me to offer up my home for the next meeting. Well, they can keep waiting...and waiting....and waiting... ;)
i think it's rude but i also think that money is a very touchy subject for some people...especially those who don't have it. maybe they really didn't have it and wanted to talk about it but then it was too embarrassing...i dunno. if you truly felt like they had a vibe like they sort of expected it, then yea...screw them.
personally for me, if i was invited to something like that and money was tight, i would say right away that i appreciate the invite but i wasn't comfortable going on a tight budget.
i have no problems talking about money. if i have it, great...i'll buy a round for everyone, but if things are tight, i have no shame in admitting that either.
we're going boating with some friends in a few weeks and we fully expect to throw them some $ for gas. that's just how i am though.
@Pinksapphire:i dont agree - i was raised when invited to someones home to bring something or if staying long term take them out for a meal to show my appreciation. we've often had many friends stay with us for a week or so at a time and we always pay for food/drink, outings because we are polite hosts but ive not felt taken advantage of because our guests usually offer at least.
friendship is give and take, not only take
@eloping: i was raised to never show up to someone's house empty handed either. i always bring a bottle of wine. my husband wasn't like that at all and i trained him now. even when we're invited to this annual halloween party at our friend's (it's a huge party at a big house and it's not "BYOB") i bring a bottle of wine or champagne and give it to the host. it's a classy and thoughtful thing to do.
@MissHelen: I think it's a bit ridiculous for me to have to ask them to chip in for food/drinks. I'm not their parents, and they go out and do stuff that costs money, so it's not like they're living hand to mouth. And it was less about the actual money than the fact that they didn't offer/seem to think of it.
@Pinksapphire: We never mentioned anything about cost. I invited them up and definitely pushed them to come, but I never mentioned anything about paying for them or asking them to bring anything. We didn't really do any activities that cost money, so all they would have chipped in for would have been food and drinks, which if we had gone out to dinner with them, they would have paid anyway.
Anyway, this topic is now several weeks old :) And I actually ended up having a conversation with one of the girls about it, in which she said that she realized that she had not paid for anything and felt horrible and guilty about it., and at the time, she just couldn't find a way to offer to chip in that didn't feel awkward for her. So she apologized, and it's all good. That's all I really wanted--an acknowledgement that their actions had been rude, albeit unintentional I"m sure.
@linguo42: Ugh!! Horrible!!
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So this weekend, DH and I went up to a house that we're renting for a few weeks this summer. We invited along two of my best girl friends--they were both bridesmaids, and we've all been friends for years.
We cooked pretty much every meal, and went through quite a bit of beer/wine. They didn't offer to pay for ANYTHING. Now, I'm not saying that I expected them to buy their own food or anything like that, but I just thought it was SO rude not to even say, "Hey, let me buy the meat/fish for dinner tonight" or "Let me grab that six pack of beer." But no, nothing!! It really really pissed me off, and left a bad taste in my mouth. DH was similarly annoyed. I get that they don't have a ton of money, but it just made it seem like they expected us to pay for everything. Not even a desultory offer!!
Am I over reacting? Is there anything I can really do about this? Probably not, right? I mean, it's not even the actual money so much, it's the principal of the matter...