Post # 1
So this weekend, DH and I went up to a house that we’re renting for a few weeks this summer. We invited along two of my best girl friends–they were both bridesmaids, and we’ve all been friends for years.
We cooked pretty much every meal, and went through quite a bit of beer/wine. They didn’t offer to pay for ANYTHING. Now, I’m not saying that I expected them to buy their own food or anything like that, but I just thought it was SO rude not to even say, “Hey, let me buy the meat/fish for dinner tonight” or “Let me grab that six pack of beer.” But no, nothing!! It really really pissed me off, and left a bad taste in my mouth. DH was similarly annoyed. I get that they don’t have a ton of money, but it just made it seem like they expected us to pay for everything. Not even a desultory offer!!
Am I over reacting? Is there anything I can really do about this? Probably not, right? I mean, it’s not even the actual money so much, it’s the principal of the matter…
Post # 3
@hilsy85: I would feel the exact same way. I had a friend visit me for 10 days and she had very little money- but she brought me a beautifully written card, a copy of one of her comics, and a bottle of wine.
The gesture meant a lot to me. I would never expect anything expensive, but I was raised to believe that a guest should always offer something, however modest.
Post # 4
Your right, its not polite on their end. And again, your right, there isnt much you can do now.
Just know in the future if you invite them along ask them to bring a few bottles of wine, or to host dinner one night. That way they chose how much they pay for those items even if its Hamburger Helper and boxed wine.
Some people just dont “get it” as what is polite. To bring a hostess gift at the minimum. However, you were the host and offered no other suggestions so they correctly assumed you would supply all the essentials.
Post # 5
@Evie19: Exactly! If they had brought a long a bottle of wine, that would have been really appreciated. I was also raised to believe that as a guest, you should always always offer to contribute..
@lefeymw: I guess I didn’t think that I would need to say, “Hey do you guys mind kicking in some money for the food/booze?”. And of course, I wasn’t going to not buy food/drinks just because they weren’t offering to get them. Honestly, it pissed me off so much that I don’t really want to have them over again in the near future–we were supposed to have a book club meeting at my apt, but now I feel like cancelling that and saying let’s go somewhere else.
Post # 6
@hilsy85: Your anger is totally understandable. When guests act like that it makes you feel like youre being taken advantage of.
It’s a very difficult decision trying to decide whether youd confront them, or ask them to bring something…I mean- you shouldn’t have to ask them, and it also feels rude to do so.
Since they are really good friends of yours, have they ever acted like this before? Do they have a history of this kind of rude behavior?
Post # 7
No you have every right to be annoyed. That would annoy me as well. Even if you were planning on paying for everything all along, an offer would have been nice. It’s the thought that counts!
I have cheap friends too. My one BM, who makes the most money out of all of us, was told that the budget for a gift basket for the shower is $20. My sister told her that they all would get together in August to put the baskets together. My BM says “is that Ok if we do it at the end of August? My student loan payment is due at the beginnign of the month and so I’d prefer to do it after my loan payment”….really?!?! people kill me
Post # 8
@Evie19: Actually yes…one of them does. We were studying abroad in Europe and on spring break in Italy. My parents were also there on vacation, so we met up with them for a few days. My parents took us out to dinner two or three times, and then my dad pulled me aside and said, “Do they (there was my friend and another girl we were with) expect me to pay for all their meals?”. I felt so embarrassed, and finally spoke up at dinner that night and said, “hey do you guys mind putting in something for your food?” But she didn’t even offer to pay anything, didn’t even pull out her wallet until I said something–same thing this weekend.
The other friend that was with us this weekend, I haven’t really experienced this before. And I forgot, she did actually pay for something–she paid our entrance fee to the pool club. However, it was only $5 a person, so she spent $10 total, lol. But I guess it’s better than nothing!
Post # 9
I read the original post and laughed to myself because I have totally done that before! I am not cheap but sometimes things do get lost in translation. Last year, I stayed with a friend for 4 days when I was in town for her baby shower and now that I think of it, I didn’t offer to pay for anything. Perhaps I’m just rude but I am not cheap. I wouldn’t have minded if she asked me, but it just didn’t occur to me! We went out to eat plenty of times and I paid my way and we ordered in once or twice and I didn’t pay.
I agree with PPs next time just throw it out there, they may just be clueless as to how you are feeling.
Post # 10
Yeah i would be annoyed too. I think its nice to atleast offer to buy the groceries for one meal or one day… but some people act a bit dense when it comes to money
Post # 11
@hilsy85: I mean…some parents really do not teach their children manners.
Sorry you had to go through all that, I’ve had really awful guests before (living in Greece I get a lot of visitors pretty often) and I know how it feels.
If there is some polite way to make a point to them, I havent figured out how to do it yet. 🙂
Post # 12
Some people are just cheap. Also– I feel like sometimes when you have a different financial situation than your friends they feel like you can/should just pay whatever because you “have it.”
Post # 13
No you are not over reacting!! I would be annoyed too. Whenever we go to a beach trip or go away with friends we always split costs or if someone is hosting us we always bring something or offer to.
Post # 14
Quick question.. do they own their own homes? I find the friends who do this most often are those who do not own a home or supply food for a family of people.. they just don’t seem to see the cost involved and thus do not think to chip in.
It’s very odd that they wouldn’t offer anything so I agree with pp’s, sometimes you gotta be a little more blunt and say “hey can you bring potato salad to go with lunch, and a desert for one of our dinners”. None of our friends have ever been offended by that, in fact after asking them to do that once they now bring things along without having to be asked.
It’s not about “gift grabbing” in terms of wine or something, it’s just expensive to host over a few days and since they are not paying anything for accomodations or anything they should at least help out with food and beverages, in my opinion.
FI’s friends on the other hands are as blunt as can be and when we go camping or to a cottage or something it’s always “ok groceries for all of us are costing X so you owe us Y, and there’s never any drama!
Post # 15
wow i can’t believe they wouldn’t at least offer to help to pay for anything! i’d be so annoyed too. when we go on trips with friends, we always split all the food and drink costs evenly. even when we go over to someone’s house for dinner, we always bring drinks, and usually ask if there’s something we could bring, or if we order in we split the food cost…i would definitely cancel the book club meeting you were supposed to host, maybe saying something to them like “i really can’t afford to host again so soon since it was more expensive than i realized it would be to host you guys…” it’s kind of a passive-aggressive way to confront them, but maybe they’re just really clueless about basic manners?
Post # 16
Yeah, I understand your annoyance, and agree with PP’s that there is not too much you can do now… I don’t think it would have hurt at all while it was happening to ask them to provide something.
There is a really good chance that they just didn’t think of it. I only realized a couple years ago that one really should always bring something when visiting someone else. I just was never explicitly taught that. Whenever we went somewhere, my mom took care of offering to bring something!