Post # 1
So, one of my best friends is coming in from Phoenix for our wedding weekend. She used to live where FI and I live now (DC). I told her she could stay at our place … FI is staying at a hotel Friday night before the wedding, and we’ve got a hotel room for the wedding night, so I didn’t see any harm in her staying at our place, especially because I really wanted her there with me on Friday night.
I hadn’t heard her final travel plans but we finally talked yesterday. It turns out she’s coming in Thursday evening and staying through Tuesday (we’re leaving for our honeymoon Monday morning, so she’ll have a little time to visit other friends in the area, etc.). I was excited about that because I figured she could help out with any last-minute projects on Thursday. I didn’t give much thought to Sunday because I figured we’d be seeing people off for the first part of the day, then packing, watching football and just laying around for the rest of the day.
I told FI last night about my friend’s plans and he threw an absolute fit. He said he “couldn’t believe” I’d be OK with my friend being here on Sunday and that it was “weird” that I would even want that. I was totally taken aback — for one, I didn’t think we’d be doing much that day, and for another, we’re leaving for our honeymoon the next day! It’s an entire week of just us! And it’s not like my friend hangs out with us all that much — I haven’t seen her in about a year and a half. He said I was disrespectful for not running it by him first — even though yesterday was the first time I had heard about her plans, and he never told me these “expectations” he had for what we’d be doing on Sunday.
So now I really don’t know what to do. I guess I’m going to have to go back to my friend and say, “Sorry, FI doesn’t want you here Sunday, can you get a hotel?” There’s no way for me to say that to her without making FI look like a jerk, unless I lie and infer that I’m in on it too.
I did not intend to insult/disrespect FI, but I’m having a hard time understanding why he’s so upset about this. It’s not like I’m having “the girls” over for a party, it’s a really good friend who lives many states away and whom I don’t see often. FWIW I don’t think he has anything against my friend … as far as I know, he likes her.
Any advice for how to proceed — or help me see it from his side?
Post # 3
Honestly I kind of agree with your FI, I think that something that big (having someone stay at your house the day after the wedding) is kind of important to run by the other person before allowing it. It is the first day where the two of you are husband and wife – I can see how he thinks it would be weird to share that day with a third person. When it comes to him feeling disrespected – it is probably just the fact that you didn’t ask him (not involving him) in the plan of the day after the wedding – as if he didn’t have a choice or opinion about it. Maybe explain that it was not your intention and you should not have assumed.
Maybe arange for your friend to stay with someone else that day/night until you leave Monday then she can stay at your place while you are not there. You mentioned she has other people to see. Could she not stay with one of them for one night?
Post # 4
I think I also would take your fiancee’s position — I would have been really angry if my fiancee had allowed one of his friends to stay with us, without asking me, the day or days after our wedding — that’s important decompression and bonding time! And at least for me, after the craziness of the wedding, I need some time alone to just relax and regroup. Tell your friend that you forgot to run it by your fiancee and after talking to him you agree that you guys will need some time to bond as husband and wife — she’ll understand. Don’t blame it on your fiancee — say it was a group decision. Unless she’s a jerk, she’ll totally understand and be cool with it. And from now on — ask your fiancee about houseguests, especially the day after the most important day of his life! 🙂
Post # 5
I totally agree with the not blaming your FI, if you think he felt disrespected before it will definatly be worse after that. Just be honest but don’t make him sound like the bad guy, instead support what his opinion is and explain you didn’t see it that way before.
Post # 6
I totally agree – I am surprised she expects to hang out with you guys the day after the wedding – are you sure she is not planning to stay with someone else over this time?
I can totally see where FI is coming from that day is a day for you two to unwind and relax together and I am sure he likes her but at the same time whenever I have guests over I am not totally relaxed because I want to make sure that they are happy and having a good time maybe he doesn’t feel totally relaxed when it is not just the two of you!
I would just say to her I was thinking and the day between the wedding and the honeymoon is going to be crazy busy and I won’t have a lot of time to hangout so do you think that you could stay with so and so for that day! Don’t put the blame on FI! Or maybe you could compromise with FI and still let her stay over but have her spend the day out and about with other friends?
Post # 7
We spent our wedding night at a hotel but then we didn’t leave for the honeymoon until Monday so we came back Sunday and said by to all the out of town guests, and some were coming from way out of town so not everyone left and so had lunch and dinner with them and slept at his parents house where everyone was staying and then left for our honeymoon monday, they took us to the airport, which was quite convenient. I think I’m going to take your side on this one. You have people traveling far for your wedding, what’s the big deal since you’re leaving for the honeymoon on monday and will have a hotel on sat night.
Post # 8
Thanks guys … I’ll have to think it over to decide the best approach. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind staying with another friend on Sunday, I just have to simmer down for a little bit before I call her. I’m still a little sore with him right now, which I’m sure will pass soon!
Post # 9
I think it’s sweet that he wants the day after the wedding to be just you two at home after you see off your guests. This sounds like it can really work out — your friend can help you with your projects and then have 2 days to visit other folks.
Post # 10
I mean, I probably wouldn’t want her there the next day either. But because it’d be nice to just cuddle and be married.
And although this was the first you talked to her and heard about her official plans – it sounds to me like you had talked with her about it before. Maybe before talking to her it would have been a good idea to ask FI?
But, since that’s over – I would ask FI what he suggests, honestly. Maybe he’ll have a good idea. And apologizing is never a bad thing to do then. When you tell your friend I would honestly say “Hey, I hate to do this, but FI and I talked about you staying here and decided _____________ would be best.” I don’t think she’d be offended nor would it make your FI look like a jerk; because in the end, it’s a compromise for both of you (or should be).
Post # 11
What about you guys getting a hotel for the night before you leave? That’s what FI and I are doing– starting our honeymoon in town even though we aren’t leaving til the next day!
Post # 12
Sounds like a little miscommunication. You’ll probably want to discuss this sort of thing with your FI, from now on. You wouldn’t want him springing a surprise visitor on you. So I think that might be why he got so upset. (It can be a touchy time for guys. They probably have some jaded fellows whispering in their ears that they’re going to lose control or be pw or what have you.)
I would think ater cooling off, you can regroup and come to an agreement. Maybe you can ask her to stay with you Friday night, possibly Thursday too. then she can find someone else to stay with the remainder of her visit. Everyone wins.
Post # 13
I can understand his point about Sunday, but I don’t think he handled the situation well.
Post # 14
If I was in a similar situation as you, you my FI would say the excat same thing as yours, when I read your post, I was like “wow they sound alike” LOL.
By him saying “I’m surprised you want her to stay” and “I feel disrespected” he is really trying to tell you that he is hurt because he wanted it to be just the two of you & instead of just flat out saying, “I want to be alone with you” he is being indirect. Guys envion things just like we do, and he probably envisioned the day after your wedding as a time to bond & just be with you; and when he heard this he was hurt that you weren’t thinking the same thing as him.
As a side note, I know my friends wouldn’t mind at all if I said “hey, I really want to spend the day after my wedding alone with my husband.” They would be completely understanding & happy for me. Just tell her you weren’t really thinking things through and make the conversation lighthearded, like “I’m all over the place & I didn’t een think about the fact that I kind of want it to be just me & husband the day after, do you mind staying with so-in-so” or something like that. Good Luck!
Post # 15
I should add that he *did* know that she was staying at our place (those arrangements were made months ago), but at that point she hadn’t booked flights, so I think he was just figuring she was going to be leaving Sunday. I didn’t know what her plans were and honestly didn’t think much about it. I didn’t find out until yesterday the actual days that she was going to be here. So I wasn’t exactly “surprising” him with the fact we were having a house guest; he was just upset that she’s staying longer than he thought she was.
And yes, texasmeredith! I think if he had just said “I was really looking forward to the two of us just having the day alone on Sunday and would prefer if we could do that instead,” rather than attacking me over it, the whole conversation would’ve gone much better and I wouldn’t be feeling steamed right now. Instead, I feel like he’s making a blanket statement that I am not considerate of him and I have bad judgment. Then again, I am not always known for having the coolest head. Something for us both to work on, right?
Post # 16
I saw your point at first then put myself in the situation and realized while I would not mind having my best friend stay with us the day after the wedding, I would not appriciate his friend staying with us on Sunday night. I like the suggestion of asking him for a solution, let him know you were caught off guard too. It sounds like you are just trying to be accomodating and he should be able to talk calmly with you to determine how to remedy the situation in a manner that does not make anyone look like the jerk.