Post # 1
So my MIL is all around usually pretty good. However, she likes to see us all the time. She is constantly pushing for weekly dinners etc and no matter how often FI tries to draw boundary lines she just ignores them. He thinks once per month is good to see them but she wants weekly.
Anyways, she has now started this new thing where if she doesn’t get the answer she wants, she asks and asks and asks again. She will ask me first, and I will immediately ask him what he wants to do and when he says no I tell her “FI has said no”…so its not me saying it. Well then a few days later she will ask FI in a different way about the same thing again, then he will reiterate no. Then she will go on and continue to plan the get together anyways and then a few days before she will call and ask us again pretending she doesn’t remember the first 2 conversations!
The latest was a morning brunch the day after our wedding. She asks me via email if we can “pop-in” to her brunch she just had the idea for and just started planning. We will be home the morning after the wedding and about 20 minutes from this brunch. I asked FI and he said “no way, we are gonna wake up when we want and do our own thing” So I emailed her back reiterating this. So then we are having dinner last night and she corners me and asks me again. Well I yell across the backyard to FI and announce her question to him for him to answer. He again says “mom, I don’t want to have to be anywhere or do anything the next morning. We have our own plans for brunch and are gonna do what we want the next day”. She then asks me “well what about your presents, we can take them to our house then you can come get them the next day from us” I say to her “you mean come get them when the brunch is happening you mean?” and she pauses and goes “yes, then you kill 2 birds with 1 stone”. I just said “presents are figured out and excused myself to go to the washroom”.
I just feel like I am dealing with a child who asks 1 parents something and then tries the other parent. It is constant. You can’t just say no and not give a reason. She then found out later in the evening we have no definate plans the day after and to her that means we are free to do stuff.
We just don’t know what to do anymore…any advice?
BTW, FI has tried being direct with her and telling her what she is doing but she just laughs it off and doesn’t says she just forgets. She doesn’t forget, there is no way.
Post # 3
I really feel your pain or I’m starting to anyway. After we set our date I noticed my FMIL becoming more active in our lives. Particularly in the wedding planning, I worry that it is only going to get worse as our date nears. Have you heard the saying: A son is a son until he takes a wife and a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life? Perhaps as your date is approaching your FMIL fears her son is slipping away. Which may be why she is trying to secure more time with you both. I think it is important to do what you want to do, after all technically you’ll be on your honeymoon. I find it amazing how FMILs just can’t accept what they don’t want to hear. I think it might be best to ask your fiance to deal with her otherwise if you get too firm with her it may cause future problems. Best of luck.
Post # 4
I think it are really good that your fiancé and yourself are showing a united front on this matter. I think it is important that you continue this. My suggestion would be this: Instead of getting of your FMIL always making the arrangements about when you get together, why don’t you find a date that is suitable for you as a couple and then ask your FMIL if she would also be free then too. I think it is nice that she wants to spend time with the two of you but it should be at a time that is agreeable to the three of you.
I agree with PP that you should let your fiancé deal with it, especially when she is going to one of you and then to the other when she doesn’t have the answer she wants…you don’t want her to think you are “controlling” her son. She needs to know the answers are coming from both of you, and you are in agreement.
What would happen if you didn’t show up for the brunch? Will she come over or keep ringing until you turn up? If she brings up the part about presents again, I would say that you will come round another day…that suits you!
Post # 5
I’ve dealt with this before, and it’s really annoying. The only thing you can do is just keep saying no. “You already asked us that, and we already told you no,” and just keep repeating that, unfortunately.
Post # 6
@vorpalette: +1. Absolutely.
Post # 7
I agree that it is important to be a united front/team with your FI when dealing with his side of the family. When it comes to In-Laws and awkward conversations, I think you should always have the FI (or you if it’s with your family) discuss the issues. Sounds lke your FI takes your side and is on your team, so that’s good!