(Closed) anon, a litany of issues, really really need help!!!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@anonbee123xyz:  your therapist told you what now?  I am not ok with this.  let me ponder this and come back. I am sorry  that these things are happening…

Post # 5
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Sodo Park

I have to say, I’m upset at your therapist. Unless you are in crisis, your therapist should not be directive like that!


So, point number 1: perhaps it might be worthwhile to explore couple’s counseling? I know that self-sabotage can be a part of depression, but ideas like that don’t *generally* come from nowhere. Even if you just go for a few sessions, it might be worthwhile to examine your relationship.


Point 2: remember that you can invite who you choose, but know that each choice has consequences. If you the aunt/uncle/daughter are irritating enough that you don’t want them there, I would say don’t invite them if you’re willing to deal with the drama afterward. (Cost-benefit analysis.)

As to your grandfather… I would say don’t invite him, but only if you’re willing to explain why you don’t want him there (or at least come up with a good excuse if you’re not ready to tell people about the abuse). It’s going to be a personal choice.

Families are complicated and never without their own drama, but your wedding day is your own and if you think it would mar your day to have them there, keep that in mind.

Good luck!

Post # 6
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Okay, first things first. You do not need to invite someone who molested you. 


if people don’t like it, too bad. Screw them! They should have protected you. 

Please consider calling RAINN, they specialize in helping survivors and its anonymous. They might be of some help while/if you are in crisis mode Or just need to talk.


ill look the number up and come back.

as for the republican democrat thing…. Lol:-) I can only say that afterrealizing how much these kinds of beliefs can impact attitudes unrelated, I stopped dating republicans. I have plenty of republican friends, but it wasn’t a good match for me in an intimate relationship. But your guy sounds like he loves you Or at least has your back:-) if you are having doubts, you might want to give yourself time time to think.. You are entitled to be sure.


Post # 7
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

1 800 656 hope is the number to RAINN 

Post # 8
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The rest of your family….i dunno, but don’t invite your grandfather. please.

Post # 9
924 posts
Busy bee

I think you really have to decide weather the pain of having your grandfather there will be worse than telling your grandmother for you. I in no way think that you should have him there, but that is a decision you need to make for yourself, and whatever is going to cause you the least emotional distress is best. Honestly I would probably not invite him and make him tell your grandmother why himself. As for other family members is the dram of not having them there going to be worse than putting up with them( smells and all)  after all it  is your wedding and you don’t seem particularly close to them.


Post # 11
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@anonbee123xyz:  your therapist is being practical. You can call your grandfather and him to make an excuse not to come that he knows why and it is that or you explaining to our grandmother why he is not invited. Again you have to chose between causing pain to your grandmother ( it is what it is) or sucking it up…. What is more important To you?


I am sorry about what happened to you please dont let it define you . Let go of the pain. Dont let it keep on hurting you. 


And moving on the horrible things…….. i laughed sooooooo hard at the second part….. I also have a stinky aunt. Just dont invite them If you dont want to. If it is a must then invite them to the spa on the wedding day guarantee she will be ” less dirty”


Post # 12
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First of all, hugs! Depression sucks! I am sorry you are going through such tough times, but I am sure it will get better. Now addressing issue number 1: I am confident that all married couples or couples in long-term relationships sometimes wonder ” what if”. What if I married someone other than my husband/wife? What if he/ she was different? What if our life together took a different course? And I think it is completely normal to have these thoughts, there is nothing wrong with it. Next, I gather you are worried about your financial situation. Well, financial situations could improve throughout your life. If you don’t have a nice house now, it doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t have it twenty years from now. Most of all, due to my husband’s business, I met a lot of couples who started completely broke and then worked all their lives to enjoy nice things later on. I also met a lot of couples who broke up because of money. Sometimes wealth could bring evil in people. So good of you for trying to look at the bright side and focus on the love you two have for each other and all the good non-material possessions you have! I would suggest always focusing on how much you love him and how happy you are with him than on what could have been if… 

Now, onto issue number 2. I would absolutely not invite your grandfather. He molested you! And grandma needs to know the kind of man she is living with! Hell, everybody needs to know! i am sorry, but your grandfather is a pervert and deserves no sympathy! However, I am sorry about your smelly relatives!:) That sucks and I would be embarrassed too but I would still invite them! 

Hang in there! You will get through this! Best of luck to you!:)

Post # 13
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Tinatiny1:  +1. call. they’ll give advice on the grandfather situation. and you don’t have to invite ANYONE to your wedding. your therapist is being a moron. i’d find a new one (even though i know what it’s like to have to find a new therapist, i went through foru before i found one i liked). i’m a lot annoyed that your therapist would say that to you… especially if she knows the situation.


as for the depression, i too, suffer from clinical depression. i’ve been on and off of meds for almost 15 years now. 1) i think that if you’re happier on a higher dose, you need to tell your doctor that and they’ll up your dose to that so you don’t have to deal with the downs. 2) i think the mood swings are “normal”, to a point. i have good says, i have bad days, i have “eh” days, and i have terrible days. it comes with the territory of depression. 3) i second PP’s suggestion of couple’s counseling. or even having him come with you to your counselor. i know that i’ve brought people in to sessions of mine, and it’s helped a lot. and 4) if you ever need to talk, my inbox is open. ‘ve been told that i’m a good listener. i also think that it’s helpful to talk to someone who goes through the same thing you do (we’re in a similar situation- i love my Fiance, but he and i don’t see eye to eye on some things and i have the same “wtf are we doing? we’re gonna be broke forever..” thoughts all the time).


and lastly, {{hugs}} you’ll get through this. promise.

Post # 14
135 posts
Blushing bee

Well, I must admit I am a therapist so here goes-

1. Why are you decreasing your medications? Is your prescribing physican monitoring and recommending you decrease your anti-depressants?  You know that messing with your medications without your physician/therapist knowing is a recipe for DISASTER.

2.  You make your situation sound pretty bleak.  You are addressing major relationship issues including finances, your unhappiness with your living situation and you are expressing a very negative thought pattern by stating you will never have nice things.  What’s the story here? Are you working? Is Fiance working? What’s really going on with these thoughts.  I suspect you have some issues and by messing with your medication you have a “justification” and “excuse” to bring up these lingering doubts and can blame the meds so you don’t have to really admit to what is going on. 

You  need to address these issues with your Fiance and therapsit.  Anti-depressants are not a miracle cure, they don’t turn around your thinking patterns to such an extent that one day you are joyful and everything is rainbows and puppy dogs and few days without meds turns you into an anxious doubtful person.  This is too extreem a reaction.  If what you describe is indeed the case then I think you need to talk to your therapist/physician about the possibility of an anxiety and/or biopolar disorder component to your diagnosis.  

I suspect something much much bigger is going on here and you need to address these issues with your therapist ASAP.

3. Hummm, suck it up and deal with it doesn’t sound very theraputic.  Are you sure you have explained the situation fully to your therapist.  I HIGHLY doubt a licensed therapist would recommend inviting your grandfather who sexually abused you and is likely going to trigger some extreemly negative thoughts and feelings on your wedding day.  Do you see your grandfather on a regular basis and this would just be another day of him being around?  Again, I suspect there is more to this story. 

4.  Smelly family- don’t invite them.  Problem solved.

5.  Therapy is only successful to the extent that the client is open, honest, and sincere.   If you are down playing any of these issues during your therapy sessions you need to stop and be up front about what is really going on and how you feel.

Good luck!

Post # 16
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015



1 800 656 HOPE is the number to RAINN . Yes, your guy sounds good, even if he does watch fox:-) call RAINN, they are anonymous! Glad to hear you’re feeling better about your guy. Hugs.



Ps you don’t need to explain why grandpa isn’t invited. 




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