- 5 years ago
I’m going anon for this because I don’t want to risk judgment or someone associating this with my regular account. I’m in the midst of a very stressful situation and I don’t have the necessary support system to discuss this with. (Family lives abroad, I don’t have any friends in the area that I live in because I only recently relocated for work).
After my divorce 2 years ago, I stayed single for a while and moved to another city (job offer) and used this as an opportunity to reinvent myself. I began seeing a man named *John (obvious name change) for a few months- nothing too serious, we weren’t at an “I love you,” point or anything. A couple of months ago I found out that I was pregnant- obviously with John’s kid, as I wasn’t seeing anyone else. John initially pressured me to have an abortion, which I ultimately decided against. Things with him were touch and go for a while, largely with him being an asshole and accusing me of infidelity, etc. I told John that I intended to continue with the pregnancy regardless of his evident trust issues, and said that I would gladly give him a paternity test, or anything else to prove that the baby was his. Regardless however, I told John that if he did not want to play a role in the life of the child, to tell me now, so I can begin to really plan for the pregnancy and first few years (day care, purchasing a vehicle instead of using the subway constantly, etc). Throughout the entire pregnancy I was nothing but kind to John. I validated any concerns he had about his paternity (to a point- there was not much I could offer besides a paternity test), I invited him to ultrasounds, I kept him updated, etc.
John finally begin to come around to the idea and genuinely became excited. He introduced me to his entire family, who were incredibly welcoming and kind. His twin sister and I became good friends, and I regularly began babysitting her 3 year old daughter for her, while she was working long hours at work. I loved his family.
Ultimately John and I “broke up,” so to speak. As 2 adults, we were just incapable of making a relationship work together. He had a great personality, but we were not compatible. He was jealous, paranoid, obsessive. I’m easy going and mellow. Constant fights were becoming too stressful. We mutually agreed on how we would raise the baby, etc. I was ecstatic that he was willing to be a part of it’s life. In spite of the agreement, John’s jealously was overwhelming. I was regularly sent text messages (50+ in a day) from him, begging me to take him back. He began to have his family contact me, asking me to come visit at gatherings he would be a part of. He was giving my number to family members that I had never met, who would casually text me to also invite me to events.
Fast forward a few months, to today. Yesterday morning at a routine ultrasound, I was told that they could not detect a heartbeat. It was ultimately confirmed that I had miscarried somewhere around 19 weeks. I was given pills to slow down my hormones, and in 36 hours I will return to the hospital to go through labor. I’m absolutely devastated. I returned home to an apartment completely full of baby stuff. A fully decorated nursery, an assembled stroller in my living room, a crib set up near my bed. I’m a total mess.
I contacted John and have spoken with him about this. He was clearly devastated, as am I. John insists that he should be allowed to be present for labor tomorrow. Because of the constant “harassment,” from John, he has been nothing but a source of anxiety. I told him that I am not comfortable with him being there. We are not a couple, and this is going to be a very traumatic event for me. I haven’t seen John in over 8 weeks, since he began texting me obsessively. The thought of him being near me during one of the most traumatizing events of my life makes me panic. I can’t handle the thought of him being beside me. He is calling me selfish. On the one hand, I know that I am selfish for this. On the other, he has made the past few weeks miserable, and I am very uncomfortable with him being present.
Now, a few hours later, his family has began to bully me. An hour ago, his twin sister texted me:
“I hope you know that you’re an absolute cunt. I hope you bleed out during labor.”
I ignored this, and she’s continued to send hateful messages.
“I just can’t get over how selfish you are. It’s easy enough to figure out which hospital you will be at- know that our family is going to show up. You can’t keep a baby from his dad.”
“Ignore me all you want. People like you deserve to have miscarriages.”
Bees, I don’t know what to do. I’m devastated and these messages are not helping. I finally cracked and contacted John, asking him to tell his sister to leave me alone. Instead he defended her, saying that it is her way of coping. I don’t know what to do. All this has done is confirmed my paranoia that his presence is toxic, and that I cannot handle the emotional stress of being around him or his family.
Am I in the wrong for not wanting him to be present?