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First of all I would just take a big breath.
It is very common for bridal party to sit at a head table and be split up from their SO's. So while that can be uncomfortable if you don't know other people and particularly if you can't speak their language it will be okay. It will only be for dinner and then the bridal party is usually free to do whatever they want.
Your FI was asked to be in a family wedding party and he accepted so he has a responsibility to be there now. If it is a huge deal maybe you could see if you don't have to go. You or your FI could always call them and tell them sorry its last minute but you won't be attending. It's not that big of deal. Or alternatively, considering this is your FI's family, you suck it up and attend and learn something about his family and culture. It will be uncomfortable for supper but then you can be with your FI afterwards.
A few things:
1) "These people" are your fiance's family. When you marry him, they will become your family.
2) It's definitely a real language with real letters, not "just squiggles." Learn to be less ethnocentric.
3) Take this as an opportunity to meet your FI's family and learn about their culture.
That's all.
Head tables with the bridal party ARE very common. I get where you are coming from I do, however it's a little dramatic to then ask your FI to not attend. The most you'll be alone us during dinner. I went through this with a wedding DH was in for a friend of his but you know what? I made friends that way. This is going to be your family, so I say suck it up. So yes they've known you're coming, so they're suppose to rearrange their seating for your feelings?
I'm sorry this is such an upsetting situation for you, I was a bit freaked out going to my fiance's brother's wedding because I wouldn't know many people there (it was cross country with over 250 people in attendance). I was fortunate enough that they let me sit with him, but other groomsmen that had fiancees were sat apart. They still had fun though!
Honestly it's one night. I don't think its fair to ask your fiance not go to this wedding because you will be sitting apart for a few hours. I'm sure it's nerve wracking to be surrounded by others that don't speak the same language. But if you are marrying into his family you should probably get used to it. Think of it as an oppertunity to show everyone how awesome you are and that you can roll with the punches. Part of marriage is being their for each other even when it's difficult, so just think of this as practice! =)
@lifesaver8: Sorry to say this but I think you're overreacting. There are some cultures that the wedding entourage are seated at the head table. And I think you're over thinking things too much. You don't know for sure that you won't see him and I'm sure he'll have time to see you and introduce you to people. So I say, just go and have fun.
i have never seen a head table where anyone but the bridal party is sitted. i also can never understand why adults find it such a hard task to sit at a table for a few measly hours and make polite while eating a dinner and smile
this is your future family. be polite, smile and be happy for the couple - its not like you will never see your Fi, after the dinner and the speaches comes the dancing and the celebrating and you can do this with your FI
edit: my husbands family is greek and i dont understand a word and i have only ever been welcomed and helped at family events - some of hubbys aunts and uncles are my favorite people with their generosity of spirit, i hope you find the same with your inlaws
"its not even real letters...just squiggles"
Umm.. wow... I was going to write out a nice thoughtful constructive response and then I got to that part. Uhhg - OK, I'm going to try anyway.
That language is called Arabic, and its one of the oldest, most complex, and beautiful langauges on Earth. In fact, you could probably start a wonderful conversation with a member of his family by saying
"Salam wa aleikum",
which means "peace be with you" and is the most common greeting in Middle Eastern cultures. Depending on what country they are from, they more than likely learned English and/or French in school, and can atleast have a basic conversation with you.
Putting a groomsman at the wedding party table is pretty typical. Hopefully the bride is mindful of your situation and will sit you next to some friendly and/or English speaking guests, probably most of whom are in the same position as you (their significant other is up at the bridal party table). Be yourself, be confident, and show your guy how you can rock a crowd. You'll be fine.
A couple of hours of feeling a bit uncomfortable for your FI?...I think you need to take a breath and calm down. This is not that serious, for real. It's ridiculous for your FI not to go or to back out of being a groomsmen just because you're uncomfortable sitting alone with his family members. Meet his family, take the time to get to know his culture--I mean, it seems obvious you're not doing that since you referred to his language as being written in squiggles. (for real?) It's a real language with real letters. Suck it up and go!
Seriously?
Yes, you're behaving like a complete drama queen. You've never been in a situation with people you don't know, or who speak an unfamiliar language?
These aren't random people you're being locked into a dungeon with. This is your loved one's family. Suck it up, get over yourself, stop crying and go to this event you were graciously invited to.
@Mrs Grape:EXACTLY this!
You might want to rethink your attitude towards "these people", they're going to be family! Maybe try and go out a few days prior to meet people? How do you think your wedding will go if you don't know them at all?
1. You are not wrong for having the feelings you do. It is NEVER wrong to have feelings. It's what we do.
2. As adults we have to put our feelings aside, and act like grownups. You will not apart for the "whole " wedding. You will be apart for the ceremony and the dinner. After that time he can move to join you.
3. Have you made any effort to learn a few words of his family's language? If you are marrying in to the family, it would be a kind gesture. Otherwise, I can't believe that you can't get through one meal even if no one else speaks English at the table. Many people travel the world and manage to communicate with sign language and gestures.
I understand hating head tables when you are the guest of a bridal party member and don't know anyone- I think it is an antiquated thing and will not be having one myself. I can therefore understand being aprehensive.
BUT these are your fiance's family members! These people will be your family too! I cannot comprehend not going to a relative's wedding becuase my fiance was so completely uncomfortable. I definitely think you are overreacting and you should re-think your priorties. One night of being uncomfortable is not going to kill you, so I would try to get over it.
@lifesaver8:Happened to me. It's worth the 4 hours of "boredom" (but really--weddings are fun when you don't have to plan it all!) to be there him. It's worth it.
WOW dramatic much? And being middle eastern myself, there's really not much to the wedding culture-wise that you'll be confused about. There will be dinner, dancing, and whatever happens at "american" culture weddings. ALSO a lot of arabic words are derived from spanish, so before you go offending the language and its "squiggles" of letters, I would suggest you close your mouth and educate yourself.
Oh, and considering that this wedding is taking place in America, chances are that there will be people speaking english.
And just because I've been speaking the Squiggly Language my whole life heres a little language lesson for you:
Hello: Mar-ha-bah
Thank you: Shuk-ran
How are you?: Key-fek ?
Congratulatons: Mab-rook
WOW, lets stop panicking, shall we? My fiance is persian and we're going to a wedding in two months, and I only know about 10 or so of the people that will be there. So I can COMPLETELY understand your situation, but I doubt it will be as bad as you're making it out to be. I'm excited about meeting my fiance's parents and family members. And I know that it is a very high honour in most middle eastern cultures to be able to meet the family. So relax, and remember that a smile is universal across all languages...Good Luck! You can PM me if you need to.
I'm going to agree with everyone else here. It's just a few hours, you will be fine.
I also want to comment on "its not even real letters...just squiggles"
As mandypop already mentioned it is a real language with real letters that look like squiggles to you because you can't read them. My first language is not English but it's also not Arabic. If I were your FI I would be extremely offended that you can't take my culture and language seriously. My FI has learned some of my language because it's something that is important to me.
I agree with @julies1949: - your feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are, but as an adult you have the ability and responsibility to choose your actions. In this case, this in the family you are marrying into, so I think it would be best to attend and try to make the most of your first meeting with your future in-laws. Yes it does sound like it could be overwhelming, but I think this is part of an inter-cultural marriage and it's better to try to make the best of it than fixate on what makes you uncomfortable or worried about it.
I'm not a huge fan on head tables because they do split couples, but that's the couple's decision. I don't think, though, that it would be completely out of line, though, for your FI to call his cousin (or aunt and uncle or whoever is hosting) and mention that you're feeling a little nervous about meeting the family for the first time, and would it be possible to seat you near [whoever - his favorite cousin, a relative who speaks English well, his parents/siblings since they'll be your closest in-laws in the future]. He can't (and shouldn't try) to force them to do anything with their seating arrangements, but openness about trying to address the anxieties - and then good faith on your part in terms of trying to make the best and get along with your future family at the wedding - can't hurt.
I hate head tables. I refuse to have one, but if I did, at least all SOs would know other people. That said, yes you need to suck it up and meet his family. It's ONE evening to grin and bear through and try to learn his culture. Heck, I had a good time talking to my friend's relatives in India at her wedding despite language barrier issues, and I wasn't the one marrying into her family. If you absolutely can't suck it up, then let FI go alone. Know that the family will likely look down upon you for that decision.
I do not even see why dropping out of the wedding or not going entirely is listed as an option. That completely befuddles me.
I think refusing to go, or refusing to "let" your FI be in the wedding is an excellent way to royally p*ss off his family, and with d*amn good reason too. It's a self-centered move. He's a grown man, this will be your family too. It's a honor to be in a wedding party.
Suck it up for a few hours. It's a head table. Meet his family. Dear Abby always says that a smile is universal - smile, laugh, have a good time.
Before you go, head to your public library or Google. Do some research into the language and customs. It is your responsibility as much as your FI's to educate you on his culture. I bet he would love it if you showed some effort here.
Bottom line: Get over yourself.
It's really sad that you have this reaction, I'm reading your post and picturing a teenage tantrum. How can you talk that way about your FI's culture. This will be your family, you're supposed to teach your future children to learn and love and feel proud of those 'squiggles'.
Would you like for someone in your wedding party to bail on you just because his/hers SO throw a similar tantrum?
Aside from the horribly offensive "just squiggles" comment, I seriously cannot believe that you said that your fiance wanting you to meet his family is "complete BS!!!" You do realize that they will be YOUR family shortly, don't you?
I think you need to calm down. You're overreacting. You will survive this just fine.
I think you should just suck it up and go.. it's just one night afterall. Maybe not the most ideal situation for you, but they are going to be your family. Go and have fun!
I agree that being the date of someone in the bridal party can suck at times. I've done it a couple times and have always felt at least somewhat awkward because I didn't know anyone else. Will you be invited to the rehearsal dinner? I've found that that's a good time to get to know other people in the same boat you are in and then you have some people to look for and chat with at the reception.
I really hope that was a bad rant and you really arent as disrespectful to "these people" and their unreal written language as this came off as. If I was your FI and saw this, I would have to seriously reconsider being with someone who feels that way about my culture. When you marry him, you get his family... might as well suck it up go to this event and start being a part of the family.
Feelings are rarely, if ever, logical and you have a right to feel the way you feel. I don't believe, however, that you have a right to tell your Fiance to: not be in the wedding, not go, go without you, or HAVE to sit with you. It's his family and his culture- and you were graciously invited :) I know it can be hard, my SO has a completely different culture and language than mine, but you can get through it and you will if you love him. You're stressed and only seeing the negative, so look forward to meeting your in laws and your future family and have fun!
@lifesaver8: breath! you NEED to go to this wedding. no doubt about it..you have to go. if you really want to marry FI you must go. seriously this is the perfect opportunity to meet his family. plus, I am sure there will be relatives or friends at teh wedding your age. I think you will end up having a really good time!!! Try to stay positive! :) Please update us when you get back
I also agree that being the date of someone in the bridal party can suck, which is why I did a sweetheart table at my wedding. Years ago, though, I was dating a guy who was a groomsman and I didn't know anyone at the wedding either. So my ex found out who I would be sitting with (other friends of friends of his and the couple) and found me a girl he was friendly with who I could meet before the wedding and who would be like my wedding buddy. I was able to stick with her until my ex was done with the groomsman duties. It made it so less awkward and I had a great time even without him around. Maybe your man could find out who you are sitting with and introduce you to someone at the table before the wedding so you'll have at least one person you know.
Does your FI know you feel this way about his family? You do realize these same sqiggly speakers will be at your wedding, right? He should be concerned that you are so uncomfortable and selfish regarding his family.
I"m closing this thread for a couple of reasons:
1) First and foremost, the original comment is headed towards racism. It's one of the few things that we have zero tolerance for here!
2) Anonymous accounts to ask difficult questions are fine, but using a sockpuppet to comment on your original question is absolutely not.
OP: you got some great advice here and I hope you spend some time thinking about what people have said.
This topic has been closed to new replies.
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BACKGROUND:::
Ok...newly engaged...all his family is in California, all of mine in NY...Together 2 years...
His niece is getting married at the end of October...my FI is a groomsman in the wedding. Normally this wouldn't be a problem...but I have never met ANY of these people...I seriously have to go to this wedding, not knowing anyone, and I was ok with that as long as we were sitting together for the reception. Well now he tells me that he's sitting at the head table for the reception too...which basically means that i'm not going to see him for the duration of the wedding. Not only are these people strangers to me, but my FI is middle eastern...I don't even speak their language or know the culture. I'm livid...I don't want to go, and truth be told I don't really want him to go either...I took all of this time off work to go on this trip with him because of the wedding...and he wanted me to go because he wanted me to meet everybody...I think this is complete BS!!! I can't stop crying...we told these people we were coming, I told my FI I didn't want to go if we couldn't be together...I'm just so hurt that he wouldn't tell them to forget it or atleast let us sit together...he hardly knows these people...do the groomsmen/women ALWAYS sit at the head table without their SO??? This isn't fair to me, I only agreed to go because I thought we would be together...do you have ANY idea how hard it is to talk to someone who speaks a completely foreign language??? This isn't like spanish where I can fake my way through a few words, and its easy to pick up so FI can teach me some between now and then...its not even real letters...just squiggles...UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'm so unbelievably upset...