Anonymous: How to gain confidence back and enjoy sex with DH again?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mysteriousbee89:  I am so sorry. I have never heard of a condition that does all that. It must be terrible. Here’s what I do: even when I am not feeling especially sexy, I just force myself to be intimate. After about 40 seconds, I get into it despite having stretch marks and feeling yucky. Your husband thinks you are beautiful and my husband thinks I am beautiful – that is all we need! You need to work on your self-esteem independent of him. Have you thought about counseling?

Post # 4
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014


Do you have pcos?? I was just diagnosed with it. Sounds like the same symptoms. I would love to have someone to chat witn about it!

Post # 6
251 posts
Helper bee

I would focus on the things you CAN control that make you feel sexy instead of what you can’t. What would make you feel sexy that’s within your reach? A faux tan? A new hairstyle? Lingerie?

Also, your husband may be telling you the truth. Most guys will not admit that they like curvier women because society has only recently decided skinny was beautiful, but if you look back into ancient porn (for lack of a better term) you will see that the women were all curvy compared to now.

Do whatever you can to make YOU feel good. Not just for your sex life but for your overall self esteem because it all blends together. 

Sorry to hear about your PCOS, it’s not as rare as you think. Maybe you could even solicit advice from other bees here on how they deal because you most certainly are not alone!

Post # 7
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mysteriousbee89:  I really want to hug you and tell you it’s gonna be ok. 

I do not have PCOS, but here are my thoughts:

– Get skin tags removed, if possible

– See dermatologist for acne or try Proactive?

– Wash your hair every day if you need too, to help with the oil

– Buy some new undies and night/comfy clothes

– Try fake tan lotion (so many great ones)… I always feel thinner with a tan

– Concentrate on make-up…even just basics make me feel better

– Focus on what you like and enjoy…there is a book called Wild, Succulent Woman…it’s about just loving being a woman. Sometimes I forget to relish that…when I do, I feel sexy again

– Try simple stretches…not focus on losing weight…just movement to relax you

I feel really yucky sometimes despite having cute clothes & jewelry, etc, so I DO get it. Sometimes, I just want the whole world to buzz off, so sex is def not on my mind then. 😉


Post # 8
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

tons of people have pcos, you’re not alone.

i agree with everything that Coral99 and EyeLoveKitties said. focus on making yourself feel better about you. try a new way to wear your hair. go get a facial or a mani/pedi. buy some cute new undies.

and your husband loves you for who you are. remember that.

Post # 9
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mysteriousbee89:  sounds like PCOS – another sufferer here!  I’ve gained weight and all my hair on my head is falling out and growing on my FACE. It’s horribly embarassing but I know in my heart there’s nothing for me to be ashamed of.

I take Aldactone 100mg for the hair loss/growth but it’s done nothing for me in the last couple of years.

I know exactly how you feel with regards to your relationship, though. I tell DH that even though he tells me I’m beautiful – when I don’t *feel* beautiful it’s difficult to put myself in any position to feel uncomfortable about what I look like.

I will say the BEST thing I found for my acne issue is grapeseed oil with lavender oil.  I use about 1c of the grapeseed to 20 drops of lavender oil and use it every single day after washing my face.  (I just put about 10 drops of the mixture in my hands, rub together to warm, and then put it on my face like lotion while my face is still damp)  I also squeeze a little of the mixture in the bath and it’s cleared me up like you wouldn’t believe!  I have MAYBE one zit here and there now. I know it sounds crazy to put oil on oily skin – but trust me… or don’t and research it! 🙂

Chin up – you’re not the only one fighting this like crazy and your DH loves you and supports you… trust in that!

Post # 10
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can’t make magic for you, but I can tell you what has worked for me. I have some health issues, one of which is endometriosis (sounds like you have PCOS, maybe?). Endo + multiple surgeries + some PTSD = my vagina was basically broken. I have to go to pelvic floor physical therapy for about a year. I had also gained some weight. I felt awful. I literally could not have intercourse (TMI alert: I could not insert a tampon when I started physical therapy). I felt so down.

  • Possibly talk to a dr. I had my hormone levels checked and everything was okay, maybe a little low. A close friend of mine is female and needed testosteron to help boost her.
  • Talk to a counselor. This helped me feel better about myself as well as work on some issues. I also learned to communicate better w/ my partner.
  • Have some (tough) open, honest coversations with my partner. Not in bed. I made a nice dinner, and had warned him ahead of time i wanted to talk – nothing bad, but stuff that was important to me. My partner was SO receptive. He wanted to know what he could do (which was my ideal scenario). He never pushes sex when I stop being in the mood. also worth noting I am the one w/ teh higher sex drive
  • I started to spend time each day on myself. not necessarily related to sex/sexuality. Just 15-30 min doing something for ME – so I took some lovely baths, read alone, etc
  • Then I thought about what makes me feel good and sexy. I’m a big texture person. I also bought some lingerie that I felt comfortable in – fit nice and I wasn’t tugging or worried about looking bad.
  • I worked on feeling good in my own body. It sounds so corny, but a friend told me about it. Each day have some positive affirmations to say to yourself – “I’m attractive”, “i’m a good person”, “My ass looks really great in this skirt”
  • I’m biased b/c I worship her, but read Debby Herbenick’s books – especially Because It Feels Good
  • Along with what feels good and sexy – find foods that feel sexy or just make you feel wonderful. Indian food isn’t typical sexy, but i LOVE it. It’s a food I always enjoy and makes me just feel fantastic. So I sometimes order it for just me. Along with that, spoil yourself. Dont go broke of course, but find an amount each week/month/whatever you can splurge on YOU. (this is how I have my recent Hourglass makeup addiction – do I need yet another powder that is $45? NO. No no no. But I love it. It makes me feel wonderful and I love how it makes me look. Do I feel like a goddess when I use it? no, but I like how i look enough that I look at myself when I apply it – I used to never ever do that.)

Post # 11
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@mysteriousbee89: First thing, get your PCOS under control.  Metaformin or other medication might be able to help you a lot.  It also sounds like you might have a thyroid problem or other hormone imbalance (if you cannot enjoy sex at all, it may not be all in your head, there may be a legit physical problem). I’m talking from experience here.  I weighed 246 pounds with severe PCOS, was told I probably couldn’t have children, had horrible dark spots. I took metaformin, I changed my diet (mostly protein, little carbs), I changed my attitude and got some therapy, I now weigh 134 pounds and have a son who is almost a year old.  I tell you this not to say that you must lose weight or that well I did it so you can, but to show you that I do understand how hard it was to feel so unattractive and it is difficult to change things, but it’s possible through work and dedication! 

You A RE beautiful as you are.  Believe your husband when he tells you that!  But if YOU are unhappy with things, focus on one thing at a time and make a plan of how you can get to a better situation.  Tell yourself “I’m awesome, I am sexy” or “I must be sexy if my man thinks so!” Get a new hair cut and a great new outfit.  Good luck!


Post # 12
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that there are a TON of women over on the baby/TTC boards with PCOS

Post # 13
23 posts

I just love how helpful and caring the bees of the hive can be 🙂 

to the OP , if your husband still sees you attractive and still wants sex every day i say that’s a great ! 




Post # 14
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

PCOS is awful. I’m finally hitting menopause and many years ago the nurses in my reproductive endocrinologist’s office told me that after what I’d been through with my reproductive life, menopause would be a breeze.

Lots of people here have offered great advice. One piece I’ll add is that I thought that at my age (54) and after a lifetime of PCOS, hormone therapies for infertility, the birth of two huge babies and a thyroid problem, I’d never feel good about my body or be able to get in shape again. Six months ago I started working out with a personal trainer twice a week and on my own (cheap gym and low-cost trainer) and I’ve never felt more empowered! I don’t have a miracle weight-loss story but I have lost about 8 lbs and built a lot of muscle. I’m now beginning the 5-2 fast diet in which I fast for 2 days a week and I’m hoping to drop some more weight.

If nothing else, I FEEL better about myself. Find a good reproductive endocrinologist and don’t give up on yourself. You’re incredibly blessed with a supportive husband – don’t hate what he loves!

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