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@needadvice77: it sounds like you already know what you have to do....:-( Finances are huge stressors in relationships..
Yep, it's time for you to take a breather for yourself, take some time apart and really evaluate things. Good luck to you!
Honestly? He is really selfish, and is satisfied with riding your coat tails for as long as he can. All's he does is complain about not haivng things, instead of doing whatever he can to show you how much he appreciated everything you have done for him. I think you guys definitely need to take some time apart, and since its your place, you should tell him he needs to find somewhere to go for at least a couple of days, so you can "find yourself".
@needadvice77: dear, pack up his stuff drop it outside, change the locks and tell him he's out.
THAT is my advice.
It's YOUR HOUSE and if he isn't going to be a man and do things for you and for the house, etc, and just enjoy the good life of having his cake and eating it to, then he needs to go.
I'm so so sorry you're going through this and I know how hard it is to leave someone you love (or at least think you do, as was my situation). Stand tall and proud and lean on your family, friends, and us.
good luck and soooo sorry!!!!
@needadvice77: I will admit that I didn't make it through the whole post. But, that's mainly because I had read enough to give you my honest opinion. So here goes,
I feel that you are not fully in this relationship. That you do probably feel bad for him in some respect and like knowing at least someone is taking care of his needs if he can't. However, there comes a point where you are just being used. And, I do feel that this is what is happening to you. IMO, you would be better off ending this and moving on. I can say confidentally that someone out there would be better for you and him. I wish you luck.
Sorry honey. You need to tell him to leave.
Good luck and hold strong. I know you're trying to help because you care about him and want good things for him, so just repeat this mantra, "By staying with him, I am not helping him. By paying for him, I am not helping him. The best way I can help him is by ending this." Truly.
Wow... I'm sorry. You sound incredibly unhappy. :( I know relationships aren't supposed to be easy, but for a relationship to be such a source of unhappiness as it sounds like yours is... that's bad. It seems like you're giving it everything you have, and he's barely giving anything. It's not enough to cook you dinner or rub your back now and then if, as you're desperately trying to make his life better, he criticizes, sulks, throws fits, and lets you take the heat for every problem in the relationship.
It really sounds like you're only still in it because you'd feel too guilty about leaving. He has some psychological issues, from your description, and that makes it complicated. But you can't spend your life trying to improve his if he won't do anything to help the cause. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership aimed at making both people happy. You definitely don't sound happy, and despite everything you do for him, he doesn't sound that happy either. If you can ease your way out, I would do it. Again, I'm sorry. :(
He feels bad about himself and as long as you take care of him (and his finances) he will always feel bad (and in turn make you feel bad) until he can grow up and be a MAN. He will never be able to do that while you save him and make it easy. People have to go out on their own to sink or swim based on their own action.
You need to leave him. I could tell you it's because he's lazy and disrespectful and makes you feel bad about yourself as a way of controling you. There are so many parts of your post that I could point to as clear reasons why you should leave. But there is only one real reason you *have* to leave-- You don't love him, you love who he *could* be. And I can guarantee 1000% that he will never become that person you want him to be as long as you are with him, waiting, hoping he will turn into the person *you* think he could be.
You have to be strong, let him go. As long as you do the work to love and respect yourself, someone *will* come along that will love and respect you and be able to give you all the things you want. You will find someone who won't even be able to come up with 3 things that you need to change (let alone 50), because changing 3 things would mean changing the person they love.
You don't need a reason other than it's no longer working for you to leave. I'm going to say this again--
I had a similar sounding relationship in my early to mid 20's.... (6 years together total)
All I can say is this-
You want, need and deserve a PARTNER not a PARASITE.
This man is never going to be the man you need. You know what you need to do. Trust me, a happier future and indeed a happier relationship will await you.
Hugs.
I truly appreciate all of your advice so far. Seems everyone is on the same page... This will definitely be one of the hardest things I've ever done, starting over always is I guess.
Hmmm.. As hard as it is, you need to ask him to leave. He is not your responsibility, he needs to grow up and join the adult world. You are not doing him any favors by supporting him at this point. Take a deep breath, put on your big girl panties and help him pack.
BTW, I totally understand how you feel. I had a similiar relationship before I met FI.
If you are questioning your relationship then it sounds like you already have your mind made up and just can't act upon that. No one deserves to be unhappy! Your first priority should be doing what is best for you. Taking time apart from him might be the best thing you ever do!
Honey, I spent YEARS in a similiar relationship and heaven knows I loved my ex. I kept waiting for things to get better, but they never did. Then when I lost my child and was grieving and too busy to attend to his every need, he promptly found himself a new GF and OPENLY starting dating her and STILL expected me to support him! It took me over a year to get him out of my house and he fought the process every step of the way. Thed last straw was when I was working one night and I came home earlier than usual and found HER in MY BED.I literally grabbed the wench by the hair and physically threw her out of the home that I paid for!
It took a while, but eventually I started dating again and I found love again with a man who treats me like a queen. So my advice is don't waste years of your life like I did!
Darling,
From the sounds of things if you were to continue your relationship right now you would only keep being his surrogate mother. He is being a very selfish and spoiled little boy, who hasn't ever grown up. I know you don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do - but the biggest part of being a responsible adult is to do the things which need to be done, regardless of how much or how little you like them. There are some plants - like cactus and orchids - that need a little adversity to bloom out to their full potential, and I think breaking up with him will not only give YOU the freedom to do the things you crave doing (like travel, and not have to plan everything for once) but also might give him the reason to reach out beyond his comfort zone and land on his two feet.
I would highly encourage him to start volunteering somewhere, like at the local food bank. Not only will it give him some experience for his resume, but the people who work and volunteer at that sort of thing might help support him when you're not there anymore.
Also, as an archaeologist I can tell you that I cannot think of a SINGLE company I know of who would hire someone who was so completely without personal ambition, or who couldn't do even basic internet research. If he wants to succeed there, he is going to need to do it all on his own, and he is going to have to WANT to do it on his own as well. It's not something you can force him into.
Maybe in 5 years, or 10 years, your paths will cross again and he'll have grown into the sort of person who will give you little presents, fill up your gas tank occasionally, or do sweet things to show that he cares. But he needs space to grow up and get there, and YOU need a break from being manipulated by a little boy who takes and takes and takes 'til the well is dry and never gives in return.
You sound like a really wonderful person, but you are only dragging out a huge mistake. I know that sounds harsh, but it is really true. You have to "nag" him like a mother, he doesn't help with the house, he is unemployed, you are spending all the money, you end up paying for gas and food, and he is doing nothing to get out of his situation. You are the one trying to fill out job applications for him, he does nothing.
Do you want to know why? Because his situation is pretty darn comfortable. He has all the benefits of being an "adult" without the drawbacks. He can live on his own, do what he pleases, have a great girlfriend--all without working, taking care of the house, or even paying for his own gas.
It's pathetic. I'm sorry it sounds mean, but my god is it. You need to leave this guy so he can learn some serious life skills. This man is not mature enough for marriage and I wonder if he will ever be! If he's treating you like this, he must have learned that his behavior is acceptable--who was it before you that allowed him to live like this? His mother? Probably. I wouldn't be surprised if he went back home after you left him so that somebody else could take care of him.
My sister was in a situation a lot like yours. Her SO was loving and snuggly and caring, but then would ask my sis for huge payments on rent, her car, etc. My sister lost so much money to this girl, because she thought she had a great relationship and she just had to help her when she needed it. Well where do you think she is now? Severl thousand dollars poorer living on her own and so much better off.
You are better than this.
yikes, this reminds me too much of my previous relationship before my DH. not every detail, but i think what you describe is where i was headed! and i was SO happy when i got out and i still count my lucky i found someone like DH who is the opposite of my ex in every way.
while reading through your post, this question you asked stuck out to me:
How can I ask for more from someone?
of course you can ask for more!!!! at the very least you can ask/expect some sense of equality, some sort of meet me halfway and financial contribution! think about it. if you weren't dating him for, what, 6 years already, and you saw his personal ad, would you respond to it?: "no job, not really looking for one, i want someone i can live off of, i don't like going out that much or really like being around people in general, and i like to cook alone!"
breaking up him will be hard and painful, no doubt. but it will be like a band aid. it will rip and then it will be over and it will be off and you will be free of the wounds. you will feel lighter and happier. i think you need to read Eat Pray Love or watch the movie. i have a feeling you will be able to relate. good luck and the best i can offer you is that in a case like this, the grass IS greener is on the other side. i have been on sides and i am SOOO happy now! you have given this part of your life enough time, don't think of it as a waste, but as a learning experience. you will appreciate so many things in your next partner, he will think you are crazy! (Lol, at least that's what happened to me!).
You're doing a great job working through this, and I think writing it out to share here will be a big help in the process of realizing what you want and need. Not so much for the advice that people give you (because, let's face it, it will almost always be "sever") but because you can look at what you wrote again and again and maybe start to see that what you're going through isn't healthy or normal and come to the realization that you know yourself (apart from what we say) that you are ready to leave.
You're a strong person, and you are not beholden to him. It's no reason to stay together just because he ISN"T a bad man or because you ARE a nice person. You deserve better. This will only get worse.
If you don't mindme asking... how long have you been together? And how long have you been "waiting"?
Couldn't sleep tonight because of stress and logged in and found so much strength and support from the things you ladies wrote. I'm so grateful for it all and it's a huge comfort to know that other people have been there and understand how I'm feeling. When you're in it, it feels pretty lonely!!
We've been together for 3.5 years. For awhile it was great but... I'd say at least the last 9-12 months, things slowly spiraled downward, especially over the last 3. Seems the longer we're together, the further we've gotten from engagement which was heartbreaking to realize. We had talked about it so much for most of our relationship. I just kept hoping (albeit stupidly) that things would turn around. But... they just don't.
honey i understand what your going through and i think its really time to move on. i know its hard and its scary because after being with someone for that long you are... comfortable in that at least with him you know what to expect vs learning a new person. you deserve to be treated better than whats happening now. as my aunt once told me "you cant fix a man if he doesnt want to fix himself". if he has no ambition then he will do nothing but stand in your way and remember dead wheait will do nothing but slow you down. you are a lot like myself in liking to give those you love things. you need to find someone who will reciprocate or at least put in the effort. for me its the theory that if i give him what he wants then eventually he will give in return and trust me honey men like that only know how to take and take and take until you have nothing left to give and then your yesterdays news.
its going to hurt, your going to be scared, and your probably going to feel like the biggest a$$hole on earth but eventually it will get better. you WILL find happiness and you WILL find someone who will love you for who you are and not what you can do for them. you just have to believe that. remember that it will only suck for a little while but in the end everything will be worth it.
remember everything will be okay in the end, and if it isnt, then its not the end.
I agree with other bees.
I am not gong to tell you to leave or kick him out, because it's not my place. But I do want to say that I think if you are unhappy, and you have been that way for 4-6 months and you are STILL unsure of your relationship... maybe you should reconsider staying. MAybe you are meant to be friends. Just because you love someone and they love you, doesn't mean that you're meant to be married. relationships surely aren't happy all the time, but you seem to give off the impression that the bad outweighs the good... and thats not healthy.
Maybe you should call a 'break'
Some time to find yourself.... I did it... and BOY!! It showed me how much I never wanted to be without my FH. If you break, and realize you can do better without him.. .then thats your route.
hope this helped
Please move him out and stop being his mother. If you can't do this then get into counseling and find out what you're getting from supporting someone who is lazy, selfish and self-centered. Personally I think you deserve much better. I wish you could see this. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for him. By enabling him as you do he will never grow up and become the man he could be.
Everyone is right, you need to leave him. I also encourage you to get counseling to help you see and end manipulative behavior. You have let someone take advantage of you for a very long time, and you obviously feel like you need to take care of someone. I used to be the same way, but years of hard work and a few lost parasites along the way, I'm a whole lot healthier now.
You can do it. *hugs*
I agree with what everyone has said.
Individual therapy (for you) would be a GREAT idea. Not because you're crazy, sick, or anything, but it's a great place to sort through your thoughts and it will help you move toward a decision on what to do.
Something I learned through painful personal experience - any time you find yourself in a long relationship waiting for a sign on whether to stay or go - that's your answer. In a healthy relationship that's working for YOU, you wouldn't find yourself waiting for a sign, period.
The untreated anxiety is contributing greatly to the issues in the relationship, I can tell you that 100%. Your fights, him being weird about going places and doing things, etc. If you continue to support him, getting him in to see a psychiatrist and getting on generic meds should be priority #1 before any kind of "fun" spending on things he wants.
You feel guilty and conflicted about what would happen if you were to leave him - he has no one else. It could be said that you taking care of things for him is almost enabling. As long as you're doing everything, he never has to grow up and be responsible. If you kick him out, he'll figure something out, he's a grown man.
If you leave him (or ask him to move out), I think you'll quickly see how little he was adding to your life, since you're already doing all the heavy lifting (handling adult life) anyway. Yes, he is (was) a companion, a friend, but that's just not enough to sustain a marriage. You deserve a man who shoulders his share of the adult burdens. Who makes life easier for you all around, rather than being another burden on you.
I was in a relationship for 5 years just like this prior to meeting my AMAZING husband. My mom used to have a saying she would tell me when I would complain about him not moving forward in life and not wanting to talk about marriage etc. 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' and I think it definitely works in your case. He doesn't have any reason to be motivated to move forward because he can count on you to pick up the broken pieces along the way. In the end I was moving forward with my life and really started resenting him for holding me back. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I did at that point in my life but I haven't regretted it since. Especially now that I am married to someone who does do all those things I wish my ex would do. Also marriage is a lot like running a business together and if you don't trust your business partner to do everything they can to make sure you have a viable business that grows what is the point of being in business? It needs to be a partnership with both parties contributing equally. This goes beyond money and more into an emotional support as well. This guy doesn't seem to really respect how you feel about certain things and once you are married you are really sacrificing your personal well being and needs to accommodate his.
oh honey...I am so sorry you are stuck in this type of relationship. He is obviously using you to take care of him and from the sounds of your post I honestly belive he will continue this FOREVER. you CANNOT live this way..you deserve so much better. have you done a pro/con list for your relationship? I think creating one of those will make you really open your eyes! Also, its not even the money thing...I think there is so much more to this. He is not supporting you at all...not $, not emotionally.
I was in a similar relationship in college. But unfortunatly, it took him cheating on me (which was the biggest surprise of my life because i thought he truly adored me) for me to leave.
You deserve to be with someone who will be your partner in life. who will support you (in many ways) and will always love you. you might think this guy adores you but honestly I think he adores your money and pitty. of course he finds you attractive but the fact that you could make a whole list of things he wanted you to change...he obviously does not love the real you. he loves your money and pitty. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it sounds like to me.
you know that saying if you really care for someone you need to let them go? that is prefect in your case. You NEED to stop taking care of him so he can learn to take care of himself.
Please dont waste another day or dollar on him.
I wish you the best of luck! remember the hive is always here for you!! :)
oh and to address your stress about never finding someone else. this is NOT the man for you...you will find someone else. someone who adores YOU, loves YOU, and will support you.
It's not about the money.
He may make you feel bad and selfish for wanting more, but it's not because you're greedy or he's broke. it's because he is unwilling to put in the effort to be a full partner.
You sound like you're dating my ex-husband :( It took me a lot of years and self confidence (and him starting to get violent because he was "so stressed" - um yeah, no job, no motivation, no worries on his part. I was the one stressing over how to pay the bills, etc) to get it through my thick head that I deserve better.
Tough love time: You deserve better. And there's someone out there who will love you the way you are. Not have a list of 50 things that YOU need to change. This may sound harsh, but the sooner you dump the dead weight, the sooner you'll find that person.
So yeah, I know, easier said than done. I believe that once you love someone, you'll always have love in your heart for them. I didn't want to kick my ex out because he had no place to go. But in the end, I had to. Because trying to do what was best for him, was what the worst for me. And you know what? I'm happier, healthier and found someone who loves me for me. And.... my ex? He's doing rather well.
I've been lurking a bit for old time's sake (I got married last month and WeddingBee was a great help in planning everything). I have never posted here, but your post made me come out of lurkdom.
I highly recommend a book called "Men Who Hate Women". I was in a relationship like yours, and I found this book very helpful. The way these guys operate is to make you feel wonderful in the beginning. Then they start criticizing you, don't contribute, etc., and you keep trying desperately to make things like they were during the wonderful beginning. They will make you feel like it's all your fault; if only you'd do X, Y, or Z everything would be great. But you will never get what you want from these kinds of guys.
The other huge thing is that if your friends and family don't like your guy, pay attention! You might not be on good terms with your family, but presumably you are with your friends, and they know you well and want what is best for you.
You deserve so much better than this, and the only way you can get it is by letting this guy (or really, the dream that he will turn into what you want, as someone else said) go. Only then can the right guy come into your life.
I thought my heart would break when I broke up with my former boyfriend (after he dumped me to go back to his previous relationship, then dumped her to come back to me). All my friends and family hated him, but I thought they didn't understand him, he needed my support, etc., etc. I was so sad after the breakup, for probably six months. I thought I would never find anyone to love again.
Last month I married someone who adores me, and who is an adult man who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He has many friends (male and female) and my friends and family love him. I could not be happier.
Good luck!
"I don’t know if I’m still IN love with him.
I read this line and didn't have to read anymore. If you don't KNOW if you aren't ONE HUNDERED PERCENT sure then you shouldn't be with him if marriage is what you want.
I hope this helps, good luck hun.
I think PPs have made it clear and I will just agree with them.... It's time to go.
My ex and I ha da situation very similar to yours, and I left him about 1.5 years ago. I am now engaged to someone who gives me everything I wanted and wasn't getting before. Had I stayed in my old relationship it would have been unfair to everyone involved.
Good luck. It sucks hard, but you can do it, and it will be best for BOTH of you.
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Good Afternoon bees!
I regularly respond and post to threads but I needed some relationship advice. It's been hard enough admitting all of these issues to myself so letting everyone in would be too much for me right now but... I really need advice.
I'm a waiting bee but I feel like I'm getting further and further from a marriage becoming a reality. I certainly know we're nowhere close to becoming engaged at this point but I just don't know if all of our other issues are enough reasons to call it quits. I have asked the opinions of a couple close friends and they're all in agreeance of what I should do but... I felt like I needed some unbiased opinions. It's long but here goes...
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if he’s who I’m supposed to be with, I don’t know if I’m still IN love with him. I love and care about him very much and I only want the best for him in life but I want someone who wants to work with me to get that, not someone that I have to give it all too. But at the same time, I love giving him things. I love giving anybody things that they can’t get for themselves although I don’t want to look at him as a charity case. But sometimes I think I throw money and “things” at him because I know I don’t give him the love and affection he really wants/deserves. I don’t feel passion like I used to.
I’m afraid I’m beginning (or maybe I’ve felt this way for awhile and not admitted it) to resent him for making me feel this way even though I know it’s my fault and I did all of this to myself. He didn’t ask for all of the things I’ve given him but at the end of the day, I knew no one else would so what was I supposed to do when he was out of food or couldn’t pay for his cell phone anymore or needed chew or gas? Just say too bad?? I’m not heartless and I’m just not that mean. My best friend used to tell me to be tough and everything but that’s just not me. I’m tough when it comes to work and stuff but I’m just not like that in relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’d give everything I had to make the person I’m with happy and a better person. But… I want things too. And that makes me feel selfish. I want birthday presents and Christmas presents and dinners out and flowers for no reason or my gas tank filled up or dinner made for me that I didn’t pay for the ingredients, or my car washed or anything. I’d love flowers picked off the side of the road. I’m not picky. I haven't had any of this for 2 years and if I did, I bought it myself and then he "gave" it to me. I know he thinks about me and cares about me but I want some outward showing of that feeling. He always says he can’t give me those things now due to lack of employment but one day he will. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. But it just makes me feel selfish. I should just be thankful to have him. HE should be enough and HE should be my everyday present just by being there. I also feel like I should say that he does do things for me sometimes like make dinner (I just don’t get to help), he plays xbox with me and loves watching movies with me, he enjoys my baking and rubs my back and pops it whenever I ask, he knows I can neurotic sometimes and puts up with me, he’s amazing with my grandma and will sit and talk with her and play cards, he has never cheated on me and definitely adores me.
Sometimes I just feel like a babysitter or another mom. I walk a fine line between nagging and patiently waiting for him to do things on his own and I don’t win either way. I either wait and things don’t get done or I nag and we get in huge fights and I end up being the one crying and saying I’m sorry. He doesn’t know how to find information online, he doesn’t like calling people, he doesn’t know how to fill out applications properly. So all of these things, I’m constantly asking him about. He doesn’t do his taxes, he’s not good with money, he watches movies instead of applying for jobs and I’m not allowed to pester him because then I just become a b*tch. I can’t ask about these things right before we go to sleep which is when I usually talk to him because then it gives him insomnia. He only wants to talk on his terms and his schedule and anything other than that leads to arguing. But I do understand that this stuff makes him upset and he has anxiety and stress issues and needs to be on medication but can’t afford the insurance to get any. So I try to help him deal but we can’t seem to find a compromise of when and how to talk about anything important.
I’ve started being jealous and envious of others who are married, planning weddings, planning trips, buying houses, making dinner together, taking trips together, spending the day at a themepark… all things that we can’t do. Either we’re not to that point STILL (and I’m afraid we never will be) or we’ve tried it and it just leads to MASSIVE fights. He doesn’t want to take trips because he feels bad about me paying for it all but he also doesn’t want me to take any trips without him (like a girls trip) because then he’ll feel left out because he can’t pay for anything. I just want to be able to take a calm trip with someone. Actually I just want someone to plan a calm trip to take me on! I have to plan everything. We can’t make dinner together because he says I get in the way, we tried taking a trip together and it was mostly a disaster and we ended up arguing half of the time, we went to Disney and he hates people so he had a horrible time and said I tried to rush him around and he didn’t enjoy it. He likes to do nothing on vacation, I like to do anything. But I wanted him to have a good time so I took him to Sanibel Island because I know he loves shells and they have the best shells in the world. We stayed at the best resort, we had lots of seafood and wine and I drove the whole way there and the whole way back because he hates driving my car. I just want to have a fun trip with someone but my parents always used to fight when we went on vacations so maybe I’m expecting too much.
We definitely have some major personality differences but I thought they complimented each other but now I’m not sure. I’m a little more high-strung, he’s very laid back except for when he’s stressed which is lately all the time. I used to find him funny all the time but now I get worn out by the constant fart jokes and the talking about poop and the weird noises and sayings like “wango” (don’t ask, I don’t get it either). I’m a planner by nature and I love doing it. I know some people aren’t so can I really get upset with him for not doing something that he’s clearly told me he doesn’t like doing?? He’s not comfortable around other people for the most part but he also doesn’t want to stay at home. I have to figure out everything that we do but nothing ever seems like the right thing. I’m extremely indecisive, always have been. But instead of being patient with me, he gets very frustrated. There’s been more than a couple times that he’s stormed off and out of the house so he could calm down because things had escalated so much. We’ve fought at 7am, 6pm, 3am, and everything in between. Our fights go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds usually, lots of yelling from him, lots of crying from me, lots of me going after him, and lots of me saying I’m sorry. I’d rather say I’m sorry and get everything over with than drag out the argument. And sometimes if I let him calm down, he’ll come back and be sweet and loving and try to get me to stop crying. I know me being depressed and a natural crier doesn’t help. But it seems like everything is my fault and I never do anything right. I once compiled a list of over 50 things that he said I needed to change or do differently. He made me rip up the list when he found out about it but I still carry it around with me in my head – things like don’t ask so many questions, I’m too clingy, I’m not affectionate enough, I’m not open/nice enough to some of his friends, etc.. I really feel like I do everything wrong and it’s all my fault. I’m afraid I can’t be what he wants me to be. He would get upset with me for not remembering what he had asked me to do or change and so I wrote it all down but then he got mad at me because he said I used that list against him. Oddly enough, one of the things was to remember things better because I have a bad memory.
I prayed/cried not long ago for a sign from God about what to do… anything. I was/am at such a loss. And I don’t know if it was a sign or just my overactive imagination but I got dreams… for at least 10 nights straight about my high school boyfriend. They were the best dreams and nightmares all at the same time. In the dreams, I was with him again, sometimes in a relationship, sometimes just as friends. But I was always happy and laughing and talking to him about my current relationship and we were helping each other. It was great… until I woke up and remembered that I’m not happy like that right now and I can’t just call him up and get his opinion on something. Was it a sign of what I could have (although not necessarily with him) or just me missing that companionship from someone…
My boyfriend has always been a tough subject with some friends and family as well… you know all of the problems I’ve had with my best friend. I’ve wrecked our friendship because of it (although I don’t claim all of the blame). I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve talked to her about my boyfriend over the past couple years… I would LOVE to be able to call her and gush over my latest date or an amazing present I found for him… but I can’t because I get no reaction from it. I’m VERY careful about what I say to people about him. I never want to make him look bad and I try to shoulder a lot of the blame for our problems because it’s easier for me to deal with it. But I would love to tell people “Guess what XXXX did for me last night?!” or “guess what XXXX planned for us to do!” But I haven’t done that in a very long time, probably close to 2 years. Maybe I’m exaggerating, I’m sure he’s done things for me since but it’s hard to remember in the midst of him doing so much nothing (hope that made sense). My mom has been my shoulder to cry on a lot because I was so embarrassed to tell my friends what’s been going on. And even she has started saying things like “He obviously doesn’t deal with problems well so you need to think about if that’s something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life.”
I used to want to marry him, desperately. But now, I’m not sure. What if I change my mind again and I really do but I’ve already let him go? What if there’s no one else for me? He’s loved me when I was fat (although he admittedly was more attracted to me when I was skinnier) and he loved me when I was crying and a mess. How can I ask for more from someone? He is changing for the better. I’ve seen some changes but how do I know that even when he’s come out of this “searching for myself” phase that he’ll be the person I want to be with. I guess that one of my big uncertainties. I really believe in him and believe he can change. I don’t want to just give up on him because he has no other real support, nowhere really to go, no one that is willing to do what I will do for him. How can I just turn on him and leave him with nothing? I want so much more for him and I’ve been trying to do anything to help him. He wanted to be an archeologist so I sent him articles and tried to find a state park to go to (which was a horrible failure on my part), I had my mom email the head of the archaeology dept at her college to give him more information, I’ve tried to talk to him about classes and the types of jobs he should be looking for and seminars and workshops he could go to but he doesn’t take me up on them. One of the reasons I put off getting a new place for so long was because what if he got a job across town, I would’ve wanted to live near there so it didn’t have to drive so far to work. And getting the place I did was something he really wanted. I really like my house but he pushed HARD for it and threw a fit when he thought I didn’t like it and wasn’t considering it (which was never the case). I’ve considered his thoughts and feelings in everything I bought for the house. I only bought 2 things without consulting him first… a pink toaster and a flowered chair. And I understand that that’s normal to consult your spouse on home furnishings but…. I bought EVERYTHING from the couch to the toilet paper. But I had enough decency to talk to him about it all.
If you got to the end of this, then I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!! I’ve tried really hard to keep all of these feelings in for the past 4-6 months and it’s hard to share them but I've got to know if I'm crazy? Making excuses? Selfish? Or something else... I don't want pity! But please be kind. :-) I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve in this post...
Anonymous love,
<3