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Oh wow. This is a sticky situation. As a person who has suffered from various eating disorders, there is no easy way to go about this. I think tough love may work, but it may backfire and she could go totally the wrong direction.
I would probably tell her you love her dearly and truly care about her health and wellness. Being there for her right now is really all you can do. She has to want to get better, and she is not ready for that, evidently. :(
Does she have family close by? I don't think you should attempt anything without her family. A lone voice trying to intervene can backfire and just cause her to avoid you and the confrontation you bring. Enlist the family members to help.
Don't even bother pushing (tough love or otherwise) until she's interested in help. You will be subjecting everyone involved in a roller coaster ride.
This is definitely a tough situatin. I agree with pinkandsparkly in telling her how you feel and expressing your concerns to her. And ultimately, you may want to give her the choice of what she wants to do after you share your feelings with her.
Ultimately, the key is how you say it too. I think you expressed it well in your post--concern that she has trouble caring for herself, and you dont want her to be responsible for caring for you at all. And after that, let her decide what she feels capable of doing. Because though it does sound like she needs professional support, I think having her be/not be in the wedding may not have a strong influence (unless she is already seeking support and her therapist/psychiatrist advise against it).
This is a tough situation though. :-( I hope she's able to get the help she needs to begin healing. And I hope you and she find a solution that you both feel okay with.
the family gave up on her. she doesnt want help. she wants to be in the wedding according to her, unless she dies according to her. bees, she looks so sickly, and she is constantly creating arguments. i'm sure that's a result of the illness taking over the mind and body, but I'm having a very hard time keeping this girl in my life.
My roommate in university had anorexia for years and bulemia for approximately one year, I know what you are going through, it is horrible to watch someone destroy themselves thinking they have control over their bodies.
I'm going to be giving you tough love, I'm sorry to anyone to suffers/has suffered from this illness but this disease hurts those around the individuals as well. You can't save her, it's not your job, she's wearing you down and soon you are going to start resenting her, leaving a bad taste about your wedding day.
Now, I LIVED with someone with this so I got bore the brunt of it (the lies, the mood swings and the stealing of food during the "binges"), but the reason her family has quit on her is the same reason I had to quit on my friend - they can't get through to her and it's causing them great pain. You have enough to worry about and unless you convince her to enter an out-patient treatment facility (which it seems you won't), she isn't getting help anytime soon.
If you "tough love" your friend, she'll just get mad at you b/c you're trying to wrestle control away from her and her "snapping" at people is an example of what happens when ppl try and get involved with her life.
Explain to her that you love her but remember that she's the one that is going to pull herself out of this dark pit that is anorexia, not you. This is a mental disorder, what you see on the outside is only a mere shadow of what is going on inside her head.
I have dealt with this exact situation twice in my life. First time it was my little sister...5'2" and 75 pounds...I have to say tough love is what worked for her after dropping hints and being supportive did not. However, she is my sister and I can say anything I want to her because, well, she's my sister.
The second time was a little more delicate...It was a dancer I had been coaching for 3 years on my competitve dance team. She was a superb dancer and one of our stars. Never heavy in the least, she is naturally thin but I guess felt the need to look thinner? She was deathly thin...girl was 5'7 and maybe 70 pounds. Her hip bones stuck out of her butt so that it looked like two triangles. Dont even ask me about her torso. The other assistant coach and myself noticed and ignored at first, did nothing, we chose to speak with her parents first about our worries. With their permission we were allowed to speak with her about our fears and express our concerns, we also urged her to get help. Well, didn't do much good but soon there-after her parents pulled her and put her into a treatment program, she was out for 3 months...couldn't do any sort of excersize until she weighed 110 lbs. Thank goodness this did work for her and she recooperated completely, but not without lasting issues. Being that skinny killed her dance ability (flexability, balance, reach, etc) because her muscles degenerated.
I just guess it's how close you feel, but IMO, I wouldn't stand by and watch my friend/loved one slowly kill herself. Some times tough love is whats needed.
Well said med700. My younger sister went through this in high school. It was horrible. She ended up hospitalized which I think was her wake-up call. The only thing I could do was be there for her. She resents her doctors to this day even though they saved her life. It's truly not a rational illness by any means, so rationalization does not help. Just let her know you are there for her when she realizes she needs help.
My sister became very sick with an eating disorder after she became engaged about 8 months ago (although she also went through it when she was a teengager). She was 80lbs when we finally got her admitted to a special clinic that deals with this. She's now gained 30lbs and is looking much better, but unfortunately mentally she's still very unstable... her relationship with her FI went sour and her wedding is off. She was supposed to be discharged from the clinic on friday, but she took a whole bottle of pills on tuesday and had to have to stomach pumped... Our family is just not sure what else we can do for her.
All I can say is that someone who is sick like that needs to want to help themselves. You can support them and do what you can to help them, but in the end if they will not take control of their own life, there isn't anything you can do. In a way, I think tough love would work... basically be there for her, but in the end you need to tell her that she needs to take responsibility for herself or she will never get better truly. Like others have said, eating disorders are irrational by nature, something needs to snap that person back into reality. Maybe telling her she cannot be in your wedding this way would be a step towards her waking up, who knows.
Personally, I doubt asking her to step down as a bridesmaid would be the push she needs to get help. Her illness and your wedding are two completely different things to her. If she's really a good friend, you should have her stand next to you on your wedding day no matter what she looks like. You should offer her your support and tell her you are worried about her health, but only do this as a friend, not a bride talking to her bridesmaid.
Its an illness and I think you should think of it of as that. You should be concerned about HER and not about how she's going to affect your wedding day. Not to sound mean, but this is much bigger and more important than your day. If she means anything to you, you need to seek out the help of her family so she can get the treatment she needs.
People who are anorexic have very low self esteem. Asking her to drop out of your wedding will do way more harm than good. She needs help.
It's just so sad hearing these stories...such a horrible disease and so many wonderful lives affected.
As a former anorexic and someone whose ED is flaring up again..(not happy with my dress stressed over all the attention on me the "big day" etc)..Its a really tough situation you are in..Nothing you say will go over well...FI just told me sat he was happy to see me eat so well..I instantly felt ill he brought attention to it.
I dont mean to say ignore it but trust me besides saying you love her and support her will be probably taken the wrong way..You can ask her if he wants help..but really she needs to want the help herself and sometimes it means hitting rock bottom..and it may end up with a hospitalization right before your wedding..Have a backup plan if she isnt able/available.Like a PP said shes not physically functioning or mentally functioning normally. Ask her how shes feeling..Have snacks out when shes around.leave them around.bait her with her favorites ..I tend to eat alone i barely eat when FI is around.
If you wanna talk more feel free to inbox me..Wishing you both all the best
@msalexa: Her family gave up on her? Did they try to intervene? Did they get her into treatment and then give up on her? Did they give up on her without reatment being involved?
I could see people getting exasperated if someone relapses, but I can't imagine family walking away if treatment has never even entered into the picture.
Also having dealt with this illness (in high school, university and a short stint in my 20's), I can tell you that nothing you can say (tough love or not) will make her better. She must want it herself. There is such an overpowering high you get when you start to see the pounds melt off that you never want to stop. It's like your own body is the ONLY thing on earth that you can control. It's a mind disease, not a body disease. So now you're faced with this decision: Remove her from the wedding for your own good (not hers) or keep her in it and pray that nothing bad happens like her fainting or an outburst. (You are right, her moodiness is because of lack of vitamins in the brain. Or as soon as someone tries to shove a plate of food in her face, she may rebel).
Know this: There's nothing for you to feel guilty about. She even knows this. She dosen't blame you or anyone. She blames herself for feeling so "ugly and fat".
I pray she gets help one day, if it's not too late. The only way I overcame this disease is by moving on to various stages of life and leaving behind the past hurts that forced me into it to begin with. Hugs to you.
@Jeannine @ Small Chic: I cnat imagine the hell i put my family and friends through.I know my parents died of real medical issues but i cant imaine the stress i out them through helped..No one can understand unless they are in that situation..Seriously. It makes you a whole different person...If family friends are extremely lucky they still get glimpses of the person they used to know..If not its like being already dead to some extent, if you get bad your body doesnt think anymore feel anymore your body takes over and uses all its energy just to survive.
Sorry to go off-topic for a minute but you cant imagine the pain they are going through
Well, it shouldn't matter what your bridesmaids look like on your wedding day: fat, thin, tatooed, pierced, bad hair, etc. If they love you and want to support you that's all that should matter. One of my BM's was super pregnant and almost didn't fit into her dress the day before my wedding and I arranged to have a maternity dress ready for her (not matching the BM dresses) that she could wear instead and I wouldn't have given a hoot about how my pictures looked. The day is about you, not her.
This is a tough situation, but I would probably ask her to get help or step down- as someone who suffered from anorexia in the past, it was that sort of abandonment that made me realize that people weren't going to accept me slowly killing myself and that in order to be a whole person, I would have to recover. If one of my friends were visibly anorexic on my wedding day, I couldn't have them, in good conscience, be in the bridal party- especially becasue of the pictures that could be taken- should she recover, the immortalization of her disorder on film might be triggering for her in the future. If she wants to die due to her ED, there is nothing you can do or say that will change her intentions:bridal party or not. I think maybe if you can, sit down w/ her and your other bridesmaids and tell her that there's just no way that you can let her take on the tasks of that day, in good conscience, while she is so ill. I really was in a bad state back in 2005-2006, and someone saying to me: we are not going to stop living while you kill yourself, but we're not going to facilitate it by pretending you can go on being normal until you make the decision to get better on your own...to make it better. The person who said that to me is the person I will ask to be my MOH (the anorexia actually is one of the reasosn that I did not attend her wedding). You won't lose a friend, most likely.
intervention is needed with professional guidance on the matter.
I had a friend who suffered from this terrible disorder. You need to keep this in mind: A person who is anorexic often starves herself because she feels that food is the only element of her life that she can control. Sometimes the only way to get her to seek help is basically to force her.
I would recommend some kind of intervention very soon. As the disorder progresses and your body runs out of fat to consume, eventually it begins to break down your muscles. One of those muscles is your heart, and heart failure is ultimately a possibility.
My friend was hospitalized after her body started to break down. She was given iv's and a feeding tube, which she had to wear everywhere--even to school. Finally she was sent by her parents to a "camp" where they treat people with eating disorders. Thankfully after a long battle my friend beat her illness and I am proud to say she has been well for almost ten years now.
Right now, being a bridesmaid is not what's important here. What she needs is help, and if she is truly your friend you need to do everything you can--even if that means sacrificing your friendship with her--to get her help. Believe me, her life depends on it.
I wish I didn't click on this thread because right now i'm on the verge of tears....
Eating Disorders are PSYCHOLOGICAL! People with them don't THINK CLEARLY! They can't see themselves clearly let alone the situations around them. They may seem "self absorbed" but that's the only thing they can control for that time and a lot of times it always comes down to control.
please, for the life of any friends who may be struggling with this horrible illness, DO NOT GIVE UP ON THEM! They freakin need you in their life because guess what, everyone else is bailing on them. If you do actually love them and care for them you will realize that you CANT give up on them! Will it be hard, yes, but dealing with any psychological illness is. Would you bail on a friend if they became a hoarder or had OCD? And ya, many times rock bottom will end them up in the hospital... and you know what.. maybe they will die... but would you rather that happened and know that you gave up on them? OR that you tried your damnedest to help them.
I'm sorry, but as a bride you get one day. Your friend only gets one life. Who cares if she's sickly in your pics... at least she'll be there!
I'm sorry for my bluntness but as the best friend of someone WHO LOST THEIR BATTLE AND DIED FROM THIS DISEASE I would give ANYTHING to have been able to have her be in my wedding and be alive.
I know how hard it can be. I know what it's like to follow your best friend into the bathroom to make sure she's peeing and not barfing. I know what it's like to hold her away from the bathroom door and her fight you to get there. I know what it's like to get the phone call saying she's in the hospital. I know what it's like to see her binge IN the hospital. I know what it's like see her become a bag of bones. I know what it's like planning an intervention. I know what it's like to try and get her help. I know the fights that will happen because of it. I also know what it's like to hear her say "I want to go throw up so bad but I can't, don't let me" and her be strong enough not too... 2 days before she died. I know what it's like to hold her wailing mother who found her in her bedroom with their dog at her feet while her husband was in the ICU as he was on the verge of death from MS. I know what it's like for a mother to tell the hospital to put her husband in a coma for 2 weeks because if he realizes his daughter isn't around he will die as well.
Don't EVER tell me tough love is giving up on someone. Tough love is going through battle with that person.
If I was you I'd be banging down her parents door and giving them some tough love for bailing on her. At the very least, she needs to go to a Doctor and get a blood test to see where her levels are.Sometimes reality is needed. So lock her in the car if you need to and take her to a clinic for a blood test. Also, be wary of getting her any anti-depressants and meds that need PROTEIN and nutrients in order to properly break down. Someone with an eating disorder doesn't get enough to break them down and it can cause a heart attack.
@JoshsTammy: Yes, I definitely understand.
My perspective (and I've shared it on other threads) is that help is worthless if the person with the ED doesn't want it. The bride here can want to help, but if the girl doesn't want it, she isn't going to get too far.
Like the last poster, I think family needs to be involved.
my friend was in outpatient to get back to a healthy weight. she resents the experience, her doctors, being "forced" to put on the "gross weight." My friend looked beautiful. She doesnt believe it, the support seems almost useless. The parents had enough of the girl wanting to die, refusing further help, etc. I dont know all that goes on behind closed doors, but my friend used to be so sweet and kind. She is now mean, argumentative, and has a very self depriciating attitude. I miss the friend i used to have.
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how do i handle this situation? my friend's situation has become tremendously worse over the past few months. i know i cannot rightfully remove her at this point. but i'm worried for her, her health, and yes involving her in my wedding and having to see video/photos of a girl who said she doesnt care for her health or getting help for her illness. i feel this girl does not care for herself, it seems selfish of me to "care" about me on my upcoming wedding day. , she seems to be looking forward to the day and that only hospitalization or death will hold her back. but she has said she prefers both of those things over taking control of her illness and seeking help.