Post # 1
This is going to be a long read so get ready.
I know this has been written many times but I just vent to someone. My husband’ mother is crazy and I finally let out my feelings. During the wedding process she was horrible to me and I told her son and he did nothing about it. She told him she feels like a guess at her own son’s wedding and that I am having a wedding for my friends and family. She did not offer to pay for a dime during our wedding which is fine. My mom who I hardly got along with magically was supportive during our wedding process.
My husband and I are of two different races and I have tried my best not to let race come into play. All my friends ever talk about now when it comes to my wedding is how crazy my MIL was. My mom had asked her to take a picture and she flat out said not. This was told to me by my mom and several other people. My husband said maybe his mom didn’t understand my mom because she has a heavy accent. I reminded him that the photographer asked her and she still said no.
His mother is the type to act like she is being helpful but at the same time talk down to you. My job situation has been a crazy one and the mother proceed to tell my husband I am stressing him out because I want children with no job. My MIL never worked a day in her life and she had 7 children.
January 2014 my husband needed to get surgery done. I finally landed a job and was able to arrange to take a half a day off for my husband surgery. My MIL lives about 6 hours away from us but she and her sister insisted on coming to the hospital. I told my husband to let them know we appreciate the help but I have it under control. My husband told me he told them that he was good and I had off so I would take him to surgery. The day of the surgery I got a call from his aunt stating she is coming over at 9 am. I was fuming because my husband had lied to me and never told his family that I was off and he didn’t need the extra help. I am at the hospital with the aunt and everything is ok. She gets a call from her sister (my MIL) that she is 5 minutes away. Once again I was mad but ok with it since I could not turn them back now.
Once my MIL arrives at the hospital she made a scene because no one would tell her the status of her son. News Flash the hospital would only give updates to me since I am the wife. She was very confused as why the hospital staff only wanted to speak to me and not all three of us. She also kept calling my husband “her son” the entire time hence why the hospital was confused on who she was talking about. Since he has a name and is not known as ‘her son’ on any legal documents. Things got bad to worse when she told me repeatedly that she is the only Mrs. Jones in the room and her sister had to remind her that yes she is the only Mrs. Harry Jones but I am Mrs. Grant Jones.
The final straw occurred when we were in the waiting room and she proceeded to let me know that my mom was not invited to her son’s bridal shower. When I was getting married I had to invite her other children’s in-laws. I could take her being mean to me and taking jabs at me all day but I had it when she tried to be mean to my mom who has never done anything wrong to her. So when I got home I decided to text her and let her know it was uncool for her to act crazy at the hospital and for her not to invite my mom to the shower when I had done the same for her other kids as a courtesy to her.
Of course she made a big deal about it and started hell. MY one sister-in-law decided to unfriended me on FB so I decided to block her and everyone else from that family. It has been 3 months now and none of the females in his family have reached out to me which has me thinking they are taking their mom’s side. I wish the aunt would have spoken up and said hey this all happen and she is not making it up. I know they all are afraid of her and have vented to me about her crazy ways but no one seems to have the guts to stand up to her. My husband told me the other day I tried too hard to be accepted by his family and he is totally blaming me for everything. I told my husband I am done going to any more family functions. Now for the months of April we have like 4 things to do with them and I said I am just going to the wedding shower since my future-sister-in-law was there for me during my bridal shower. I am even going to see a therapist about all this stress and my husband is like you’re wasting money you do not have. To be quite honest I been thinking that maybe its best we go our separate ways. We always fight about his not so nice family and I believe they treat me different since I am of a different race. My husband tells me oh this is why I stay away from them because they are weird. I just wish they were honest and be like you know what we do not like you because of your race and not try to play little games here. I have been married for about 2 years and can honestly say I am not happy :-(!!!
Post # 2
Im sorry but as bad as they sound, I would be the most livid with my husband if I were you. Him allowing them to treat you as they do is unacceptable. He should be the one to deal with his family and stand up for you. I would start there and address things with him first and make it absolutely clear how dead serious you are about how they make you feel.
Post # 3
It does sound like a pretty big issues, but I feel like there has to be a solution rather than throwing your marriage away. Your marriage is about you and your DH, not your MIL. It sounds like it will take a lot of work to make your DH see that. Maybe it won’t be possible. I would still try at this point. It sounds like your only issue with your DH is that he won’t back you up with his family.
I think your husband needs to go to counciling with you. If he can’t see why either not taking a side or taking his family’s side is a problem, counciling may be able to help.
Post # 4
I feel bad for you and so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds extremely stressful and I don’t think I’d be able to handle a situation like this! Your MIL sounds awful, but the worst part is that your husband isn’t on your side. That’s what partners are supposed to do – stand up for you when nobody else will.
I hope this isn’t offensive but he sounds like a ‘mummy’s boy’. He’s a married adult, yet he and his mum act like he’s still her little boy. She needs to grow up and realise he’s not her little boy anymore.
And he needs to learn what it means to really be a husband. Maybe remind your husband that it’s his responsibility to stand up for you, his allegiance to you should always come first before all others. And if that doesn’t get through to him, defs go to counselling as the PP said before leaving the marriage, so you know you tried everything you could.
Post # 5
stardustintheeyes: I completely agree with you.
I am very sorry that you’re going through this. But out of everyone, your husband owes it to you the most to be supportive to defend you.
Maybe counseling would help.
Post # 6
sexxysheddy: Your number one problem is that your DH is not on your side. You should not be the one telling the in-laws off. It should have been him. Unfortunately until your DH can cut the cord, his mom and their “family” will always be #1 and you will be #2. You have 2 options – counseling witn your DH (your MIL isn’t really the issue – it’s how your DH has been handling things – and in this case, NOT handling things) or leave.
Post # 7
I agree with pps… you seem to be directing all of your anger at your MIL, but (justified) anger towards your husband isn’t evident in your OP.
Your MIL sounds horrible, but what bothers me the most is that your husband isn’t supporting YOU, and establishing/maintaining healthy boundaries with his mom. You’re all alone in this situation, your husband is doing everything he can to stay out of it (hint: he should be the one going to bat for you with his mom).
In my relationship, I deal with my side of the family, and my FI deals with his side of the family. If he has an issue/problem with my parents, *I’m* the one who brings it up/confronts my parents, and vice versa. We present a united front, which includes physically, mentally, and vocally supporting eachother in front of others, even if we don’t agree. Later, we talk it out. For example, if we’re at my MIL’s house and she says something I don’t agree with, I will say so, and FI will back me up no matter what (even if he doesn’t agree). Later when we’re alone, we discuss it and come up with a compromise/game plan if something like that situation happens in the future.
The point of that is to present a united front to EVERYONE. If your MIL has a problem with you, she *also* has a problem with your husband. Its a problem that your husband doesn’t seem to value your concerns enough to want to do anything to help you.
Post # 8
I agree with PP, that your husband has a duty to support you in this.
I just wanted to add, the whole hospital thing sounds a little strange. I know for a fact that if my FI had to go for surgery, even a minor day thing, his mum would travel 6 hours to come see him if she had to. I think it’s strange how the doctors would only give you updates, and not the rest of his family. Any hospital situation I have been in, the doctors came out and spoke to the whole family at the one time. Did you specifically ask the Dr not to say anything to them? Maybe she wasn’t trying to stiff you and was genuinely concerned for her son?
Post # 9
Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I had a few therapy sessions and it has help allot but there is still allot of work in progress to be done. The counselor has advice I take a backseat and not attend as many family functions. I am trying my hardest to bite my tongue and ignore all the crazy things the mother and sisters do. Someone had mentioned why did the doctor not want to speak to them well we live in the U.S. and there is this thing call HIPPA that protects the patients’ rights. To sum it all up HIPPA only allows medical issue to be disclosed to your next of kin (which is your wife/husband if you are married) unless otherwise noted. My husband and I never spoke about who was going to be with him at the hospital as in the beginning it was just me and him planning the entire procedure. There are a few family events coming up this month and I have kindly decline each one because I believe it’s the best thing for me right now. The old me would have rearrange my schedule and try to make every event but now I realize I need to focus on me and my husband. I am not offended by anything any of you ladies said because I know you all are coming from a very good placeJ. Trust me I wish I could give each one of you a very great big hug for read my long post. I hope when I become a MIL one day that I would be understanding and helpful.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
In the end are you married to him or his family?. If it were in the case of my family id never get married. Dont stress over the family. Stick to your family and just accept his for the nutters they are. This is how my fiance handles my family.. There are only two people in your marrage..
Just my opinion, no offence etc..