- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013 - UK
*Sigh*. Only shortly after posting this: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/lets-face-it-it-is-me I’m now in a position where I feel I have to capitulate to yet another family member. This is the problem:
My POV: I am 29. I left home at 18 and never returned to live with my parents again. I was also a carer for my Mum from an early age, so I haven’t had a typical parent/child relationship with my parents (although I am very close to my father). In initial discussions with FI, it was important that we pay for our wedding ourselves, because raising a child is expensive, and I wanted to give something back to my family for the support they have shown me over the years. I also think it’s pretty odd for families to pay for weddings when the two chldren are fully grown and have their own house. Finally, I didn’t want to have to please everyone who was paying (although I didn’t express this latter point publically). My family have already offered to pay for aspects of my wedding: my father offered to pay for the food, my mother offered to pay for my dress etc etc. I explained my position to all of them and politely declined. I think they have accepted this (at least, I don’t know any differently).
FMIL’s POV: FMIL has three children, all of whom she is close to. One is still a teenager, one adult daughter still lives with them, and FI moved back home after university and only moved out two years ago to move in with me. He is three years younger than I am. She is still in the process of seeing her children as dependants and quasi-dependants (I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just a fact). FMIL thinks that parents should pay for their daughters’ weddings in particular, but she doesn’t want to be sexist or treat her son differently.
The situation: FMIL initially said that she wanted to pay for the wedding flowers (partly because she doesn’t like my choice of wooden flowers, I feel, but that’s not the main point). I said that I would prefer practical help and support rather than money… for example, I have all my decorations to do, and I also have a LOT of catering to do in the two days before the wedding. I initially planned to ask my stepmother and one other person to help out with the catering (my stepmother has magical cookery powers). However, I have not asked my stepmother about this yet. FMIL made two valid points: firstly, that it’s all very well to try and set up your wedding as a treat for others, but it’s not much of a treat for stepmum if she has to play kitchen slave. Secondly, she said that many people are cash rich and time poor, and it’s simply easier for them to open their wallets.
FI has said that I may have to compromise. If that’s the case, I would really rather accept people paying for things like food and drink, because at a hosted party (which is how I want to think of my wedding) it is considered appropriate to bring food and drink to your hosts’ house (as opposed to decorations, which would be rather odd). FI’s Mum has a friend who makes wedding cakes, and his sister has a friend who makes cupcakes. I said that I would prefer to try and make my own wedding cake for now, but that I was least confident about making and storing my cupcakes because I have such a tiny kitchen. So I may ask her to get a “mates rates” quote from this friend.
The problem: How do I tell the rest of my family about this? I don’t think it’s very fair if I say no to them, but yes to this. FMIL has said I don’t have to tell them, but I think that that is very dangerous territory, and has the potential to blow up in my face. The alternative would be to call my father and mention this, whilst asking for my stepmother’s help with something specific, catering wise. I think that seems more of a balanced acceptance of help. BUT… how do I do this? Should I do this?
PS (Not really related to this post, but in the back of my mind nevertheless).
The next problem, of course, is going to come when we try and organise the (Catholic) ceremony because:
-FMIL thinks that a wedding without a nuptual mass is not a real wedding.
– My father thinks that, in our case, a wedding with a nuptual mass would be completely inappropriate because only about 15 of the people there would be able to participate, it would be inappropriate for the rest of them to receive a blessing instead, and I couldn’t take mass either (I am a non-Catholic Christian).
– I don’t want a nuptual mass.
– I suspect my mother thinks that she will be officiating our ceremony, as she is an ordained minister (obviously, she is not a Catholic either). She is in for a surprise.
– My grandparents don’t approve of my marrying Catholic.
– Some of my other family members are now chewing me out because I want a religious ceremony at all. I don’t know why they are surprised… it was always going to be a Christian service of some type.
… but for now, I think I’ll just deal with one crisis at a time.