Another ditching a bridesmaid post… need advice – really long

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Pokemon:  It sounds like it is too much for her; she’s probably really absorbed in her new guy and figuring out custody things with her child. From the sound of it she is not as interested as it seemed– maybe she’s gotten comfortable in waiting for your wedding to get there and just isn’t super excited right now.

I guess it’s reasonable that she’s waiting to find out if her boyfriend can come with her, but it is not very reasonable that she is doing so after telling you she would book tickets to come to the dress fitting right away. That she has not done; she is clearly either very distracted by life and isn’t aware of how fast time is going by (whereas you are!) or she’s not feeling excited about being in the wedding, period.

Anyway, I think before giving up on her, let her know one more time (and make it clear that you can’t keep reminding her, as you have too much going on) that if she is still up for being in your wedding, she must book tickets for coming to see you for the dress fitting ASAP. Tell her that these things need to get sorted out now, and if she can’t make it, then I guess having her as a bridesmaid won’t work.

The thing is, if she’s being like this about buying a beautiful dress (YOU buying it FOR her from the sound of things) to wear at her friend’s wedding, what will she be like when she needs to come to fittings? This just sounds like the beginning of what could be, if she remains one of your bridesmaids, a long succession of similar, stress-inducing problems. Plus the issue of Alissa’s father being unreliable about taking her– you might not have a child-free reception if he pulls something like you mentioned. 

I think it would be much simpler and less stressful, in the long run, for you to just let her know that you would love to have her at your wedding, but it seems to you like everything that goes along with being a bridesmaid is too much for her right now, and you no longer need her to be a bridesmaid.

Wow, lengthy reply that said the same thing 3 times. . . sorry!

Post # 6
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Pokemon:  As a parent, I can understand her wanting to see her friend with a child the same age before seeing you. I can imagine doing that. Not because I don’t value my friends without kids, but because it’s a whole different dynamic seeing another young mum.

If you haven’t spoken to her since the 7th, how do you know she hasn’t booked tickets? Her air tickets aren’t your business. I say at least wait and see if she arrives in Qld in time for the 29th. Or clarify with her now or a few days before. If she doesn’t show on the 29th, that might be the time to discuss her stepping down. Until then though: she’s said she’ll be there on the 29th. Until she says otherwise, I think you need to assume she will be.

Post # 7
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Pokemon:  I know, I would probably feel the same way. But you’re really not super close with her anyway, right? Give her one more chance and if she flakes out again, then you’ll have to say it.

Probably some of her apparent disinterest is just because of the phenomenon of people not being super interested in others’ weddings except right after the engagement and within the last week before the wedding. But really, even if someone’s not as excited as the people getting married (which I would think is rare), they can at least be a responsible member of the bridal party and respect the bride and groom’s planning timeline by doing what they are asked to do when they are asked to do it! 

I probably shouldn’t talk. I’m not even engaged and no one I’m really close to has gotten married yet, so I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I can only think of 4 people who would likely want me as a bridesmaid, and all of them have years before they are married!

Post # 9
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Pokemon:  Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to be annoying with that reminder. . . :/ I was just saying, I guess. Ugh, foot in mouth (mine, I mean).

Post # 10
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Pokemon:  Yeah I see what you mean. I think you’ve got to ask again, perhaps in a more insistent way, that she’ll be in QLD on the 29th. e.g. “Hi Shelby can you confirm you’ll be in QLD on Saturday week (the 29th)? It’s important that we see the dressmaker that day”. But I think you’ve got to trust her if she says yes.

I do agree her lack of response is a worry – perhaps try phoning instead of text? Phone her land line if she has one?

Post # 12
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Pokemon:  Unfortunately this happens a lot to not very strong friendships when one party moves away. It is kind of an easy (cowards) way out. Not having to have the we have grown apart talk. I think this is what has happened with your friend. She has moved on but hasn;t bothered to have an adult conversation with you about it.

I would give her a call and talk about your friendship (don’t mention the wedding). Just talk about how you feel like you have grown apart and that it upsets you.

You also need to make the decision on whether the friendship is worth fighting for you. if it isn’t just let her know when you talk that it might be best that you guys part as close friends and just keep in touch casually. But if you do want to keep her in your life let her know that.

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would just stop mentioning anything wedding related, and send her an invite like you would for any guest! I think she’s already removed herself!

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