Post # 1
My FMIL and I used to get along great. Our first disagreement was when I found out I was pregnant and she wanted me to have an abortion. She said some really ridiculous things about her son never being able to become a dr. now (he has about 9 college credits and he was 29 at the time). I know she feels stupid about it now and I don’t hold anything against her.
Anyway, now that our son born she always gives me unwanted advice and criticism. She makes comments about how we forgot to bring him this and that in the diaper bag (like a 3rd bib), and she talks in his voice saying, “nobody is paying attention to me” when I am playing with him and scoops him up. Her latest “concern” is that my son still eats mostly baby food and not adult food. I only give it for snacks because most of it ends up on the floor and I want him to get the proper nutrition. Plus when my FFIL cooks he uses LOTS of salt and butter and I don’t think it’s appropriate for a 10 month old. We go over there every Sunday for dinner and I always leave upset and cry on the way home because she makes me feel like I’m a bad mom and I’m doing everything wrong.
I don’t want be upset her, especially with our wedding fast approaching but she needs to stop or one day I’m going to start crying right in front of her. FH has said something to her before and has offered to say something again but I don’t know how much it will help. I know she is trying to be helpful but she’s only making things worse.
Post # 3
You might have to actually buckle down and let her know. Sometimes, thats what it takes. or maybe leave your son at home for some of those sunday dinners until she can get her act together. You dont want to make snide remarks all the time, but you definitely dont want her to think she can do this to you all the time. But you have to let her know, in one way or another.
Maybe beat her at her own game. While she is playing with your son, say something slick and sly like “grandma has all that salt in the food, thats no no for you” or ask her to hold your son for a second and then say “i have to go to the bathroom and be a bad mom for urinating” but thats just me…
Post # 4
I agree I have to say something. I just don’t know how to say it so she a) gets it and b) i don’t hurt her feelings. I just realized I was typing so fast in my op that I left out several words! Yikes.
Post # 5
Well I don’t have any children, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.
I would tell FMIL that you understand that she loves your son and that you’re grateful for that, but that as his mother you make decisions for your child based on how you want to see him grow up and that those decisions are for you and your FH to make–not her.
Tell her that you don’t want your son to develop a taste for salty fatty foods or that you’re gradually working in adult foods a little at a time or don’t tell her anything at all–just let her know that your decisions are not for her to question. Tell her that if she wants to hold him, just say so, but do not take your baby out of your arms.
Let her know that while her advice is appreciated, the final say does not belong to her and that any interruptions in your caregiving routine based on her whims are unacceptable.
If it’s too hard to say, you may have to go so far as to leave baby home for a couple Sundays as MrsH1010 suggested. I would go over what you want to say and how you want to say it so that you’re composed. Also, make sure that you go over this with FH and let him know that you will need his support.
Post # 6
I think it’s good to take a day or two off from the Sunday dinner. For my sanity and also to take away the opportunity for her to um “help us”. So now for good excuses…
FH will say something. FMIL will probably know it’s me anyway. FH has a very special skill:he ignores her and says “uh huh” over and over and it doesn’t bug him as much. He can tune it out. I can not.