Another FMIL vent

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@engleman10513:  Oh no! That sounds really shitty of her! 🙁 Maybe you could try to involve her as little as possible in the planning process so she cannot constantly disagree with you and force opinions on you. Also, it’s not fair to demand that you text her rather than your FI. Maybe he needs to have a talk with her and show her that you and him are a team? She doesn’t sound like she would get that message though… I would ignore her and just tell her that it’s your and FI’s wedding, not yours. Don’t let her wear you out!

Post # 4
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@engleman10513:  Oy.  My FMIL is very similar – for a while she was constantly sending me unsolicited “ideas”, etc., and being very passive-aggressive when I’d politely decline due to a million other things going on in my life.  Finally I just went radio-silent for a month after a particularly aggregious email.  I got back in touch with her recently, and she was much calmer.  Maybe a similar “break” would help in your case?  If she keeps pestering, your FI can keep supporting you by showing a united front, e.g., “Mom, Ms. Engleman10513 and I are a team and while we appreciate your help, we’re taking care of the things we want/need to do for the wedding.”

Post # 5
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I also suggest delaying your responses to her texts, if you are not already doing that.  There is no need to reply to messages immediately just because you have received them.  I use that technique with my clients at work.  I want to train them to not expect an immediate response.  It cuts down on a lot of back-and-forth.

Post # 9
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

My FMIL is the same way! We aren’t in the planning process yet, but we’ve had to deal with other situations where things have gotten out of hand because of her poor choices. 

I find it works best if you “ignore” her for a little while. I’m not saying completely loose contact, but reply or communicate on your own time frame. If she messages you, wait a couple days to respond. This kind of shows that you have other things going on in your life and can’t just jump when she wants. 

As for the passive aggressive behavior… My FMIL only doesn’t it when she can’t get what she wants. I’ve found it works best to just treat her with a blase (careless) attitude. She’ll find that all the dramatics and rudeness won’t phase you.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Sounds like my mom – only, I was fortunate in that my mom didn’t go that far into my wedding. I’m sorry you’re marrying into a family where this woman will (unfortunately) become part of yours. However, I disagree – you don’t have to respect or love his mother. The only obligation you have to fulfill as daughter-in-law is being civil and polite when necessary. I don’t love my mother-in-law; I probably never will. I have managed to build respect for her over the years, acknowledging her place in my husband’s life.

That said – where’s your fiance with all of this? It does appear he is standing up for you (telling mom her friends’ kids can’t come), but how forceful is he being? Has he said to his mom, “engleman and I are planning our wedding. You need to stop contacting her about the wedding. She has enough on her plate”? You can’t dance around with some people; I think she needs to stop contacting you about the wedding, period, and your fiance really needs to take the reins and make that so.

His mom’s “advice” that you speak up about such things in the future is not a good idea. In general, I think it’s best practice to let each family’s child be the “bad guy,” not the spouse. They will forgive the child. It will drive a bigger wedge between you and the family. It sounds to me like she’s eager to make an enemy by even suggesting that way of handling things, especially given her personality. 

The advice to take your good old time getting back to her is great. I’d start the slow distance; take a day…then a few days…then a week…then maybe even longer. Ignore the e-mails you don’t want to respond to. That’s OK. You’re sending her the message that no, she’s not important; no, you don’t care what she has to say; and yes, she will communicate with you on YOUR timeline.

Make an agreement with your fiance not to discuss anything wedding-related with her. If she mentions someone’s invited, he can politely tell her that no, they are not, case closed. But other than that, both of you can just say, “The wedding’s going to be a surprise! You’ll love it!” from here on out before changing the subject/ignoring further e-mails/calls from her/leaving her house.

 

Post # 14
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

@engleman10513:  I honestly feel you, FI and I have been engaged 3 and half weeks, and I’m already done with my FMIL. FI’s parents offered to pay (my parents aren’t well off, we don’t make much money and they have a status to live up to) however, FMIL takes that to mean she is controlling everything, even FFIL’s money (they’re divorced). We brought our issues up with FFIL and his response was “This is everything I’ve handled in the last 20 years.” His offer was to cover it all, pay her back for her deposit, and have a signed document saying she is no longer involved in any financial or other decisions regarding the wedding (FI’s family is very litigious), so we’re just waiting on the money from him.

I guess the best advice I can give you is create the strongest united front possible, and reiterate not replying right away.

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