(Closed) Another girl calls my soon to be fiancé and he calls her…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like you need to talk to your man.  My FI has an ex (from high school, we’ve been together since right after graduation), that a while back in our relationship I knew he and her were in contact and it made me uncomfortable.  I started feeling insecure and looking at his phone (like texts and stuff) and thinking the worst.

I finally realized I was acting rediculous.  If I really trusted him, I should trust him to be honest with me and trust that our relationship is more important than some random girl he dated in high school… So I asked him about what kind of contact he was having with her and let him know that as rediculous as it sounds, it made me uncomforatble.  He said he felt bad about the way he dumped her and wanted to make an effort to be a better person to someone he felt like he wronged.  I understood, but couldn’t get past it regardless (I always felt like she was a shady girl and would have alterior motives no matter what).  He said ‘OK’ and they haven’t talked since.

The point is, I stopped snooping around and thinking the worst and talked to him about my feelings.  Communication is the key to us being succesful.  I think it probably is for everybody else too.

I will say, my FI never got mad at me about my feelings.  We always say ‘you can’t help how you feel’.

Post # 4
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you’ve been together 11 years and trust him enough to want to marry him, you need to stop sneakily checking his voicemail and openly talk about what bothers you.

This story is disjointed, and I feel like we’re missing some information. But from what I can gather, she sounds like a friend. No big deal. He hangs out with her when other people are around; it doesn’t even sound like they’re all that close. And I doubt he’s so stupid that he would really believe you just happened to dream about her when he got a voicemail and is probably lying to you because he is on the defensive. That doesn’t make the lie OK, but why is his less noble than yours? You are also lying to him regarding this situation. It sounds like perhaps you are insecure when it comes to this girl. I don’t like all my FI’s female friends, but who cares? He comes home to me. I have guy friends with whom I socialize one on one. If you trust each other, these things shouldn’t matter. I think your lack of trust and communication issues (especially combined with your previous post about finances)are the bigger problems in your relationship than this girl.

 

Post # 5
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t fully understand the situation or what you’re asking about, but the whole thing sounds sketchy. She seems like she is trying to be fake nice to you because she probably never gets along with other girls and she thinks being fake and trying to flatter you will make you like her.

She obviously likes your boyfriend somewhat, but what’s his deal? He is the only one you need to worry about. Why would he lie to you about calling her? And does he know that you check his voicemail? Does he feel like you don’t trust him or will fly off the handle if he mentions her? And why do you check his voicemail–has he been untrustworthy before? Why isn’t he answering his phone when he’s out? Honestly it does sound like he is acting weird.

Post # 6
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m sorry that you’re going thru this.  Does he know how you feel about her?  Are you checking his voicemail because you don’t trust him?  Is there something he’s done in the past that makes you feel uneasy about his friendship with this girl?  Does he know you check his voicemail?  

She does sound a bit obnoxious, but I think you really just need to talk to your BF about it.  It doesn’t sound like anything is probably going on with her, but if you are concerned enough to check his voicemail, I think you owe it to your relationship to talk to him about it directly.  And I have to highly suggest that you stop checking his voicemail.  I think it’s a recipe for disaster.

Good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the real problem here is a trust issue between you and your boyfriend. You checking and deleting voicemails without asking first is really weird and frankyl, uncalled for. It sounds like she is trying to rile you up, and she’s being successful. I think if you approached this in a less sneaky, less accusatory way with your boyfriend, you might be able to have a better conversation about it. He needs to know that you’re on his side, and that you trust him, for him to open up to you (and besides semantics and a couple details that it sounds like he left out just to keep you from freaking out, doesn’t sound like there’s much to tell).

I think you need to examine why you are insecure about your relationship, and address that, because this girl is clearly just pushing buttons on underlying issues that were already there.

Post # 9
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Love85: WHOA, nelly. You are taking this and running waaaaay too far with it. Deep breath. I honestly think counseling would help you in this case. You need to be able to believe and trust in yourself as a worthy person before you can be truly successful in a relationship. I think you should work on you, so that you tear at your relationship less. This is so minor, just CALMLY talk to him, and seek a neutral person to unload on who is paid to give you constructive advice!

Post # 10
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to give him some breathing room and this weekend have a serious discussion with him.  Try to stop thinking about all the negative things, he is just mad and upset right now that you don’t trust him, it doens’t sound like he has said anything about breaking up with you.

I think you need to work on your trust issues.  Checking his voicemail without his knowledge is not okay.  Are you not okay with him having any friends that are girls?  If you aren’t, you need to be open about that.  Just because someone is friends with someone who is a flirt doesn’t mean they care about it.  I work with a lot of guys and some of them are flirty but I just laugh it off and my husband doesn’t really care because he trusts me.

Post # 11
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have to agree with Crayfish on this one. It also does feel like there is more to the story. Most people do not check the VMs of someone they love and trust enough to be married to. I speak from experience I was engaged before and I used to check my exs VM I thought there was nothing wrong with it but I obviously didnt trust him. It is because of that mistrust that we are not togehter. Usually you do not trust someone because at some point they broke that trust.

Post # 12
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Agree with Amaryllis & MissAsB on the VM thing: not okay. Not even okay if you were married. I’m not even saying it in the context of “trust problems”–I’m saying it because everyone is entitled to privacy. And your FI deserves that.

I wouldn’t trust the girl either, but she’s not whom you should be worried about because she can behave however she wants without taking you into account. Your FI, however, should be taking you into account, which is why you should talk to him. If their relationship makes you uncomfortable, then you should explain that to him openly and your reasons why. I’m not a big fan of policing one’s SO’s social life, but if you tell him you’re uncomfortable and he’s a good guy, he should be receptive to figuring out how he can make you feel more secure.

Post # 14
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

The 6 letter C word? Do what sooner?  I’m totally lost.  How are you two getting engaged?

If I were your guy, I’d not let things off the hook just by basically saying ‘it’s my fault’.  I’d be wondering why you brought anything up in the first place and want to talk to you about how you are feeling and what is causing your insecurities. You two seriously need to talk about it or else you are going to end up snooping more and having another outburst about it.

 

Post # 15
Member
1791 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Honestly the problem is not going to be solved by sweeping it under the rug, which sounds like you are doing. You can’t just make yourself become less suspicious to avoid a fight. You said several times that you know nothing is going on, yet you still checked his voicemail after you know she called. To me, that doesn’t sound like someone who is sure that nothing is going on. It seems like this has been going on for awhile.  You need to have an actual, legitimate, all cards on the table conversation with him about this before you get engaged. Regardless of your (inappropriate) actions, he also lied. You can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen because you don’t want him to break up with you. If you guys are on the verge on getting engaged, it sounds like you have some issues to deal with before that happens. First of all, your trust/insecurity issues. Second of all, what boundaries you feel comfortable with in his relationships with female friends. Third of all, his lying. 

I’m not saying you are, but I’m just throwing this out there. Please do not be so desperate to get engaged that you ignore potential warning signs about serious relationship issues. Work them out first, then focus on getting engaged. Obviously 11 years is a long time to be with someone, but for both of your sakes, these problems need to be figured out before you make that commitment

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