- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Regular bee gone anon…
We’ve been together for about 2.5 years, married for 3 months.
When we first started sleeping together, he had some kind of problem that really affected us for almost a year – he couldn’t keep hard during sex. It was so incredibly frustrating for us both, but I mostly only know my side of it because he couldn’t really talk about it much. Basically he’d just go limp, lay back and wait for me to get him hard again, and want to go at it again right away. Often he couldn’t even finish with sex – he’d pull out so I could finish him with a handjob or BJ. This continued for MONTHS, despite my patience, hints, questions about how I could help, etc. He was healthy, worked out, didn’t have medical problems.
Finally I stopped him one night (not doing anything related to sex) and started crying uncontrollably. I let him know that it HAD to change or I was out. Previously he had shown no interest in seeking help from a professional, and I couldn’t continue with sex that way. He did see someone, and things really started improving over the next few months. We’ve even had some really rockstar-style sex that I’ve loved! But that’s really uncommon for us.
Now sex has become really mediocre. He ALWAYS rushes foreplay and does the same thing each time – kisses me, touches my boobs, touches my clit, and wants to be inside me.
I climax every time we have sex, whether from sex or from him finishing me off after he’s done. But I feel like I’m lacking two main things from sex: the emotional connection and communication about what we want and what’s important to us.
Each time after sex he asks me “How was that?” And I’m like “That was good.” Yes, I have an orgasm, but it’s not very strong or very satisfying. Obviously I can’t tell him that.
Because of the hiccup during out first year of dating and his inability to talk about it with me, I know how sensitive he is talking about sex being not great. I don’t really know how to get that conversation going. I’ve read online some advice columns talking about making everything very positlve – like “I loved it when you did ____.” I can try that, but it’s not very often that I really love something he does for me, other than oral sex.
Finally last night I told him (playfully) I’m boycotting lube (we use it EVERY TIME) so we can focus on more foreplay. I told him I have plenty of natural lube if he’ll be patient with me. We were just kind of bantering, not super heavy serious and critical, and he said “Challenge accepted” with a smile.
FYI, he’s not into using toys during sex. I’ve lightly suggested it before and he seemed kind of miffed about it. I feel like he doesn’t even want to improve our sex – he just does what he does with no experimentation. I bought him that book “She Comes First” – we both read it. I agreed wholeheartedly with evrything the writer had to say, but he didn’t take any of it to heart – the psycholocial side of sex for women, the sex tips, multiple orgasms, foreplay – none of it.
Shoot… This is so not coming out right. I know I’m far from perfect – definitely not some kind of sex goddess. But I just don’t know how to make it better! I feel so selfish in writing this – but I feel very selfless with how I am with sex with him. I’m always giving him handjobs, BJs, trying new things and positions to try to make it good for him.
Any advice for me, bees? I so desperately want this to work and improve. Our marriage is for life. I want our sex to be the best it can be.