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Oh gosh, this is a toughie.
I am not too fond of kids myself, like you said, I just dont know what to do or say to them. I also know how you feel about misbehaved children. I have a lot of them in my family and I cringe at the thought of having them (one in particular) at my wedding lol
Some people say that a wedding is a "family event" and I do believe that, but more importantly I believe that a wedding is a celebration of two people who love each other. In the end I think that a couple should do what THEY want to do even though you will be getting a lot of pressure from your family to do otherwise.
I say this not being engaged yet, but I hope that i can stick to my guns when its my turn lol
good luck corgi!
First things first--this is your wedding, not your momma's! We're not having kids but we did an age cutoff. And yeah, some members of my family were a little hurt, but our venue is not safe for kids and any event with alcohol does not need those under 16 around, either, as we all know what those young teens are interested in! (I don't want any swiped handles of vodka!)
So really, don't even mention it as a preference; use it instead as a safety thing. And 12 & 14 year olds that don't know better don't need to ruin your night--tell your mom that either she sits with them all night and watches to make sure that they don't move a muscle towards the cake, other people's stuff, alcohol, etc or they're not there, b/c you don't want to have to worry about their safety and other guests comfort! (Sorry to be harsh, but I have a lot of kids like that in my family. I don't let that crap fly and especially not at my wedding! I'm pretty outspoken about it though, lol)
@cinema- lol oh i wish i could say that to the "mom." I am going to be straight with you... the reason that the two girls are total monsters is BECAUSE she is a horrible parent. She does nothing but shriek and scream at them all the time. She resents being a mother (was a teen mom) and now basically just ignores them until they are SO bad she can't ignore them then she screams at them. If I could disinvite her too, I would!
HA sounds like the parent of my terror child!
Corgi you gotta stand your ground on this one. Tell your mom she'd want a nice night away from the kids :) I'm pretty sure that's not a lie, either!
I'd just do it by age. Say, if you're over 16 (or whatever age works for you) you're in, if not, you're out. If you think lots of people will object, you can tailor things to make your wedding less attractive to children. You're just at the beginning of your planning, you can do lots of things to make it understandable that kids aren't invited. You can choose to have the reception later in the evening, you could do a wine tasting during the cocktail hour, you could choose a venue that's just not big enough to include the children, you could have a more formal reception that kids would find boring... just make it so your wedding isn't kid-friendly. Serve lots of brussels sprouts! 
Added to that, providing babysitting for the younger children could go a long way towards soothing any ruffled feathers. People appreciate it when you show that you're willing to help them ensure that their kids are taken care of.
Realistically, some people are going to be upset that their kids aren't included. No matter what you do, not everyone is going to agree with the decisions you make for your wedding. But it's YOUR wedding, and you should do what makes you and your FI happy.
Are you going to have alcohol at the reception? That can be an easy reason to say "no one under 18, sorry!" And realistically, how close is your FI to his 5 or 14 year old cousin, you know?
I'd stick to your guns. No kids. If they really put up a fuss, offer babysitting AWAY from the wedding and reception, and warn the sitters about your terrors :)
I think my etiquette needs a little work. I wouldn't invite them if they were that badly behaved and if they asked I'd tell them the true reason.
I believe we're going to have the cutoff at 16-the age of the youngest in the WP
Since the 14/16 year old are second cousins why not just say 1st cousins only. That way you include all of your FI cousins and if your cousin doesn't want to come without her kids then she just won't come (sounds like you wouldn't be too upset by that). My 1 cousin has 5 kids that I am not close to at all and as horrible as it sounds, I don't want to reserve basically an entire table for her and her brood.
@shnoogles- lol at the brussel sprouts idea!!!
@daydreamwanderer- yes, there will be alcohol. what I dont know about is inviting some kids from a family but not others. In one of FI's families we'd be inviting 2 of 5 kids and in the other 2 of 4. Is it okay to split a family up like that? I guess I never thought about it because my family is easy... all my cousins are older and their kids are all young!
@gingerlex- I would do that if it was only me that I was worrying about... i am not shy :) The problem is that my mom's parents have passed away as has one of her brothers. She isn't close (or even speaks to) her extended family, so her ONLY family on her side is her brother and sister and even though her sister is totally unreasonable a lot of the time, she just deals with it because its basically her only family left.
@caszos- i'm just not sure we could get away with that. Our extended family is pretty tight and no one thinks of the little kids as "second cousins"... they really are as close as cousins. Truth is that I see them way more than FI sees his cousins. But... maybe I just need to shore up my confidence and do it. :)
I think the first cousins only rule is an easy way to do it. I hate it when kids take over the reception or are badly behaved. And sometimes its not really that the kids are being bad, per se, but the wedding reception is no place for them and it really isn't fun for them, which is why sometimes they act out. Kids being kids would totally ruin my wedding, so we aren't having any. Stick to your guns and don't invite the kids you don't want to invite.
On a side note, don't buy into the idea that you have to invite them because it would hurt their grandmother, who is your mother's sister (seriously, how many degrees of separation do we have to worry about?). It may have some basis in reality, but really it is just your mom trying to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy at your expense. I think it is sneaky and I don't think anyone should ever put a bride in that position.
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Beekeeper
Okay I"m going to try to keep this as short as possible. We just got engaged and we're trying to get a guest count first before we start looking for venues. The one thing that I have been steady on since forever is that I want NO kids at my wedding... for two reasons. 1) *ducking to avoid the things being thrown at me* I'm just not a kid person. I don't know what to do with them... I'm not close to any of the kids I know... they just seem to cause disruptions/distractions all the time 2) in particular... I do not want my cousin's two kids at my wedding. They will be 12 and 14 at the time of the wedding but they are SO badly behaved. They are the kids that would be running around licking people's silverware and putting fingers in the cake. No joke.
FI said he was in total agreement about this... then we got engaged. Then things got complicated.
First, I told my mom that I didn't want kids at the wedding and she said that I could exclude the "little" kids (those under 10), but I absolutely HAD to invite the two I mentioned above because they are older and because her family will expect them to be included and it will cause her sister (the girls' grandma) to be mad at her if they weren't invited.
If this alone was the problem I might push through and say too bad... then I found out the ages of FI's family. I have not really met most of his family and didn't realize that his cousins are younger. Whereas all my cousins are 22+ and the "kids" are all my cousins' kids... his cousins range in age from 4-25. In total, his family has 9 cousins split between two families... and each family has a wide range (one family has a 4, 7, 17, 22; one family has a 10, 12, 20, 25). So it would be weird to exclude ALL of his cousins because some are under age... but it would also be weird to only invite some children from each of those two families. Honestly I wouldn't care that much about all the kids on his side coming... but I don't want the ones on my side to come!
I guess we could explain it by saying all cousins are coming, no second cousins are... but I don't think that would fly with my family. If we do invite kids in my family, there are 11 of them... mostly under the age of 8.
Ugh... what do I do girls? Do we suck it up and invite them ALL? That is a lot of extra people, a lot of LITTLE kids, plus the kids that are poorly behaved. I am just not sure there is any way to parse this out because FI's cousins have such a huge age range. Ideas?