Post # 1
My mother is completely antiwedding. She does not like my fiance and had expressed her dislike for him several times when we were dating. Her reasons are sporadic and all over the place and I along with my friends and siblings struggle to find any legitamacy in them. When we got engaged my fiance asked my dad for my hand, my mother ranted for hours about how her life was now over and there was nothing worth living for. She has never inquired as to how he proposed and everytime I bring up the wedding she rolls her eyes and tells people make to big of a deal about weddings. When we run into people from my childhood and they ask if I’m married she does not answer but changes the subject to something else. I have told her how much her behaviour hurts and she acknowledges that its not nice than she goes on some rant about how my dad’s parents never accepted her and always made her life difficult and how her mother and father chaperoned her everywhere and wouldn’t let her plan the wedding she wanted. I’ve asked her why she wants to repeat this cycle and she just ignors it. I have tried reasoning with her and asked her to be involved not involved. I’m dreading my wedding and even planning it now. We haven’t even booked a venue cause anytime I mention it I feel like I’m mentioning some terrible epidemic that isn’t supposed to be talked about. I suppose this is a bit of a vent, but I’m getting really depressed over it. Aren’t mothers supposed to be happy for their kids? I dont’ even know if my extended family knows we are engaged and its been a year. I’ve seen them but they haven’t said anything and at this point I don’t even know if I should.
Post # 3
Awww her attitude sucks! I would tell your other family members about your engagement. Hopefully they will be happy for you and excited. Maybe if your mom is the odd one out with her poor attitude she will come around!
Post # 4
elope. Then she can’t say anything, you’ve already gotten married and you won’t have to feel the stress of wedding planning without your own mothers approval. I think this really sucks, I can’t imagine how you must feel. It’s one thing for a MIL to be disapproving but for your OWN mother to be doing that…I would be upset too. I would definately ask her if she would like to be in your life with your husband, because she’s doing a very good job of pushing you out for a vendetta against your grandmother.
I’m really sorry about your situation, I would be really upset, if it were me 🙁
But you never know! Maybe she’ll come around! 🙂 *fingers crossed*
Post # 5
Is she narcissistic? Perhaps she is jealous of you getting more attention than her.
Post # 6
I have thought about her being jealous of me getting attention over her and it could be the problem. She likes it when stuff revolves around her and she is the center of everything and lets face it my getting married means she won’t be the center of my life anymore and I’m not going to plan everything around her. So instead of seeing it as gaining a son in law and possibly a bigger family and more people to have around for special occassions she sees it as a loss. As far as she is concerned the fact that he even asked for my dads approval was his way of manipulating the situation to his advantage. 🙁
Post # 7
I am sorry to read that you’re going through this. I honestly believed my mother would act the same way about my being engaged, but surprisingly she hasn’t. She seems to be accepting it more. But I expected it because 1) my mother is jealous of me 2) she’s been divorced twice and has a very bad experience with relationships 3) at one point, she tried to break me and J up. So, as you can see, I am completely surprised that she’s been so open about it. I hope that your mother does come around though so she can share this special time and the big day with you.
Post # 8
What’s up with these mothers? I’ve seen a few posts from bees with mom problems, and I really feel for you all. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my own mom acted that way. ::Hugs::
For your situation, maybe the best thing to do would be to let your mom know that you will be planning the wedding yourself, but you’d love her help if she’d like to be involved. Then, just go forward with your plans and don’t bring it up to her if you don’t absolutely have to. This puts the ball in her court. If she does want to be involved, she can ask you how it’s going. If she doesn’t, then she just won’t bring it up. I know that possibility sucks, but it doesn’t sound like you’re going to bring her around to being excited about this if she doesn’t want to be.
As far as letting your extended family know, by all means do! You may find that they are happy for you and can provide some of the excitement and support that your mom isn’t giving you. And you know the bees are here to listen any time you need to chat or would like to share something about your day! It’s not the same as your mom, but it’s definitely a big help!!
Post # 9
@Cindy82 I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this experience when this should be a happy time. As a MOB, and a daughter of a very narcissistic mom myself, the best advice I can give to you is to stay true to yourself and your FI. The two of your are now joining to start your own family. It hurts but you have to do what makes the two of you happy.
This is your time!
Post # 10
@Cindy82: Your mother sounds very self-centered and maybe in need of some psychiatric help if she was serious that she has “nothing to live for” because you’re getting married.
Accept that this is who and how she is and don’t let her attitude spoil your wedding! Don’t include her in the planning or consult her and if she complains, tell her if she wants to be involved then she has to be positive and supportive – period. Would an appeal to your father help? Maybe he could talk to her?
Post # 11
Listen to lisa105! I actually had to send my mother an email yesterday that said she need to see a therapist or I may not allow her at my wedding. My mother also does not like my FI and she went so far to say she “hopes we never bring children into our environment”. Hurtful and mean.
My mother has been struggling with depression for over a year and refuses to get help. I have asked her many times and she says she will but does not. I started with my therapist a few months ago to deal with her mental attacks on me and she has still refused to do anything. So I had to lay the line in the sand because she IS ruining this experience for me but I am trying everything I can to stop her without being hurtful.
When you said “We haven’t even booked a venue cause anytime I mention it I feel like I’m mentioning some terrible epidemic that isn’t supposed to be talked about. “ I can so relate!!! I said to my father, “I feel like I am marrying a woman and you are both homophobic, when did I become the Black Sheep of the family?!”
Get planning NOW! Don’t let her derail you! I am now trying to plan everything in 3 months now because my mother managed to derail me, no more! I do think half of my friends now think I am pregnant, but I am not, I am just not letting my unsupportive mother delay this wedding. And I will be drinking plenty of Champagne (as I am not really pregnant) at the wedding (probably a couple extra glasses thanks to my mother!).
To some this wedding planning is bliss, but when you have a mother like Cindy82 it makes this whole thing torture, I can attest. All you can do it is try to start steering your ship again and take back the power she has to make you feel so shitty.
Good luck and your wedding will be beautiful. I know mine will be (even if it is now only 59 days away and I haven’t sent a deposit to a caterer yet…)
Post # 12
Solarbride, Thank you for you message. You said exactly how I’m feeling. I know I need to ignor her and she does live 2 hrs away so I can get this started I just have to get past the whole little girl idea that my mom would be involved in my wedding. In every way she is my best friend, she vents to me about everything, including today when she called to tell me what my dad, brother, the dog, people at church had all been up to and vice versa. Its so silly that we talk and share about everything accept this issue. She says she is trying but finds it difficult which makes as mentioned above plan and thinking about a wedding awful. You bees are making me feel better. I appreciate the suggestions.