Antisocial Boyfriend

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

That is a major glitch that is more likely to get worse over time. If you’re outgoing and he’s antisocial, how are you going to handle social engagements in the future? Are you going to end up resenting him for not being as social as you? This should have been addressed earlier in your relationship.

Post # 4
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@beachbride1216:  Totally agree. 

@poeticallygreen:  This is not just a little glitch, this is pretty frickin’ important! True story: DH’s uncle got married in 2011 to a really nice girl he met online. DH’s uncle has always been really outgoing and just a social butterfly, his wife, however, was the ultimate introvert. She never wanted to go out to do anything and she never wanted to hang out with his friends. All she wanted to do was stay at home with her husband. She came from a super rich family and even after they got married, they lived in her parents’ mansion. I was told they always had issues in their relationship regarding how different they were socially but went ahead with the wedding anyway. They separated last year, I think they made it 1 year. Husband is off in another country and she’s probably still holed up in her parents’ mansion. I’m sure there were other factors that contributed to the destruction of their marriage but DH’s uncle said it himself that she was just too introverted. I think she just wanted a companion to stay home with her all the time and he was blinded by her money. They should have seen they never would have worked. 

Post # 5
1595 posts
Bumble bee

@poeticallygreen:  I’m pretty introverted.  I try to go places and enjoy myself, and I can, sometimes, for awhile.  But my tolerance is pretty quickly exhausted. 

Our solution is separate cars.  I go, and stay and enjoy myself as long as I can (and sometimes I surprise myself and spend the whole evening), but when I’m crossing over into the I-cant-be-here-one-more-minute territory I leave and he can come home later.  He’s not frustrated because 1)I’m trying and 2)I’m not keeping him from socializing.  I’m not frustrated because I feel trapped in a place I don’t want to be.  I think having the ‘out’ of leaving when I need to actually allows me to have more fun and sometimes stay longer than I would want to otherwise.  This works for us but probably wouldn’t work for a couple where there are a lot of jealousy issues.

However, you have to decide if you can live with his desire for more quiet than you prefer, because this is who he is and he’s unlikely to ever change a lot.  

Post # 6
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You have to think about whether you’re going to be happy going to the vast majority of social events alone. There’s nothing WRONG (per se) with his introversion, unless he’s avoiding people because of social anxiety or some mental health condition that is really compromising his quality of life. But there’s also nothing wrong with you wanting a partner who is more involved in your circle of friends.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him about the fact that this makes you feel sad and awkward, and that you would like him to try to attend a few more events. It would also be productive to figure out whether there’s anything about your friends that is off-putting to him (beyond just the fact that he doesn’t yet know them very well). Do you ever do things together with his friends? That might be a way for you to feel more of a social unit.

You may discover that this is a deal-breaker…or that your partner is perfect for you in every other way except this introversion, and so you will attend most things independently and have fun that way and not worry about whether he’s “supposed” to be there or not.

I’m an extrovert married to an introvert (although not nearly as introverted as your partner, I don’t think), and we quarreled about this a fair amount early on in our relationship. We solved it by basically minimizing the events that he “has” to come to. But for general hang-outs, if he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t come, and if he comes, he knows he can leave whenever he wants to and I can get a ride home from friends. It makes him feel MUCH less pressured/trapped in a given situation, and so he’s more likely to come along and hang out — which means now they’re just as much his friends as mine.

Good luck with this, OP. You’re not wrong if this turns out to be a deal-breaker, but you also aren’t wrong if you just make rules that make you both happy.


Post # 7
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

FI and I are both introverts, however I do like to go out with our friends more than he does. It took me several years of digging but I finally got him to admit why he doesn’t like groups of more than 5 or 6 people. FI has some social anxiety and several other mental health problems stemming from his lack of self-esteem (taught to him by his mother Undecided). I am one of the only people he does not lie to because I know all of his flaws and still love him. He lies to his friends about trivial things because he wants to seem better than he thinks he is. The problem is he tells different lies to different friends which he then has to keep track of and also worry about those friends meeting and comparing the lies. It sounds exhausting which is why social gatherings are a lot more draining for him than for me.

We used to be long distance when he was lying to his different friend groups, but he has since moved to where I am and is slowly making my friends his friends. He hasn’t been lying to them because I am there with him and I would not let him get away with it. He’s become quite close to a couple of my friends and is willing to go out with people more often than he used to be.

I would talk to your boyfriend and see if there is some reason for not going out with people that he has not shared with you. I would also try to express how important it is to you to go to social gatherings as a couple. 

Post # 8
99 posts
Worker bee

@poeticallygreen:  sounds like you want him to hang out with your friends. if he is naturally an introvert and meeting new people makes him shy or anxious, and he doesnt know your friends well, then doesnt sound odd at all. 

does he ever get together with his friends other htan via IM/email? do you ever hang out with his friends? what would he think about your friends coming over to your home for a low key get together?

doesn’t sound odd to me, just sounds like he is introverted. 

Post # 9
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

DH is very social and I am an introvert. Yesterday we had his entire family over to celebrate his parent’s anniversary (50+ people). I was surrounded by people from 1pm-8pm. Multiple times throughout the day I had to escape to a quiet room and just sit for a while because being surrounded by people is completely draining to me. I have a few close friends I like to spend time with and text/facebook with them frequently and that is about it. DH is the complete opposite. We have been dating for almost 10 years at this point so it is completely doable.

The reason I think we work well is that we understand the other person has different needs and interests and we both accept that. DH goes to way more events than I go to. He goes out with his friends at least once a week, spends a lot of time over at our neighbors’ house, and attends a lot of family events alone (to be fair, I work retail so I miss a lot of events due to work). When something is important to him, he will let me know and I will attend with him. Usually he won’t leave me alone at an event for a long period of time unless I am talking to someone I really hit it off with, and will frequently check in with me to make sure I am okay and don’t want to leave. Likewise, when he goes out somewhere I do not harass him to come home, guilt him for being gone, or expect him to entertain me at home. When I go out with him, I try and find someone to talk to so he doesn’t have to stay glued to my side and I stay as long as I possibly can since he doesn’t expect it from me often. We both care more making each other happy than making the other person do things so that we are happy if that makes sense.

It really depends on what you want and expect from a relationship. What we do works for us but if you want your SO to spend a lot of time socializing with you then it might be best to find another extrovert. 

Post # 10
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t really have any advice for you because I broke up w/ my ex for many reasons, but one was he never wanted to hang out with my friends.  He said he would get anxiety attacks in large groups and was fine if I brought him out with 1 other girl or maybe 2, but if we hung out in groups, he would shut down and not speak.  Who wants someone around liek that?  I think you need to realize that he’snot going to change so either you accept it or move on.  If you accept it, accept that he does not want to hang out with you and your girlfriends.  Ever.  And only pick really important events to make him go (my ex was fine with weddings, probably b/c of the open bar).  And just accept that your friends know your bf doesn’t want to socialize with them. 

Hey – in contrast, my FI is the show stealer whenever we go out.  I do like it though bc I’m so used to everyone hating my ex since he never spoke that I love that people love my FI, but I can see how some girls would get upset if they go out and their SO steals the limelight every time!

Post # 11
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sometimes you just have to accept people for the way they are. My FI is an introvert. He rarely comes to social things with my friends and I, and when he does he does not enjoy himself. This is partially because he is 28 and most of my friends are 19-22 because of our age difference. While we have a lot in common I am a cosmetologist-in-training and I went to public school. I talk all day every day to anyone and I have a decent sized circle of friends that I talk to and occasionally hang out with. FI was homeschooled and only has a few people he considers friends. 

We make it work for us. I don’t ask him along for random outings with my friends, but sometimes my friends do pop over to the house when he is here. He enjoys it more because he is in his own element. However, he does stuff like goes to big events such as weddings with me.

The point I am trying to make is this… every one has a different personality. He may eventually open up to your friends if you slowly get him used to them, but if he has to go out when he doesn’t want to and feels uncomfortable he is going to have a sour taste in his mouth and not want to go out at all. Just give him time and compromise 🙂

Post # 12
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

He may just be one of those painfully shy people, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people genuinely find it uncomfortable and exhausting to be part of a crowd. Only you can decide if it is a deal-breaker. You may want to try entertaining at home, like a small dinner party, and doing small group things as a happy medium. He may be more comfortable on his home turf (or yours if you don’t live together) or as one of four rather than eight.

Post # 13
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@village_skeptic:  your situation is mine almost exactly. He tries and over the years he’s become closer to my friends. I still make sure he gets plenty of down time and that makes him feel less trapped. Early on we had problems. I didn’t understand and he didn’t know how to say no and sit things out. Instead he would come along and start to feel trapped and then I’d have no fun. Once I invited him to a weekend long camping trip with 15 people 6 hours away from home with no escape for him. He went bonkers (he’s also not a camper) and I got upset with him for not enjoying himself. Sigh… Now we go camping for one night with a smaller group of friends and I stay longer if I want to without him 🙂 It works great! I don’t think I could have dealt with OP’s situation bc it seems much more severe. 

OP I hope you’re able to find a balance you are both happy with, or, move on.

Post # 14
128 posts
Blushing bee

As an introvert, I’ll tell you, that is just the way he is. Trying to get him to socialize like an extroverted 20-something, will not work. You have to decide whether you can live with it or not.

Post # 15
3112 posts
Sugar bee

@poeticallygreen:  If he is asocial now, that’s pretty much who he’s going to be from here on out.  I wouldn’t expect a change in the slightest!

First, I highly suggest that you and he take the Myers Briggs personality test.  It can really help to understand each other!

Second, I think you mean that he is asocial, not antisocial.  “A” means without, and “Anti” means against.  Someone who is asocial doesn’t like to be around people very much, while some who is antisocial commits acts against society (killing, robbing, planting bombs, etc.).

Post # 16
4601 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

FH and I are both introverts, but I like to go out more than he does. It took a while to get to the root of the problem, but it turns out that FH has ALWAYS been so busy working that he never had much time for friends and doesn’t really know how to interact with people well. It took one of my friends to kind of bring him out of that and he does better now, but he still only likes really small groups of people.

I would talk to him and ask him if he’d be more comfortable in a smaller group, or hanging out with others somewhere he wants to go. 


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