Post # 1
As the wedding date approached I find myself getting very irked by failing marriages, before engagement the subject didn’t even phase me. We have friends who are dating married women, I see facebook friends changing their relationship status from married to single, you can hardly ever go to the MSN homepage without seeing news of a celebrity couple “calling it quits” and there are so many affairs in popular television shows, I can hardly keep up. Although I have many friends and family members who are great examples of good marriages, I can’t help but let those bad examples get me all fired up and anxious! They make the idea of marriage seem so daunting. I know if any two people should be getting married, it’s my fiance and I but I can’t help bit feel unprepared for the ups and downs of marriage, and life in general. I feel like I am going to have a hard time adjusting to marriage, given my history of anxiety and depression. Anybody else having a similar experience?
Also, I always thought I would keep maiden name when I got married, until we started talking about marriage. Changing my name just seemed like the natural thing to do, so that was the plan, until last night when we were at dinner with his family and the subject was brought up. At that moment I realized that I hadn’t really thought it through enough and I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to change it. This caused a huge argument. My logic is that I feel like I will be changing the person I have been my whole life and I will feel like I am more a part of his family than of my own. His logic is that he wants it to feel like we are a family and with different surnames it won’t feel like we are quite married. He and his family are very traditional and mine is definitely not in the least bit! I feel that if I do change my surname it will be out of pressure to please him and if I don’t I feel like I am not taking his oppinion into consideration. We each see where the other is coming from but just can’t see eye to eye. I suggested that we just forget about it until after the honeymoon because I don’t want to put any unneccesary stress on us so close to our wedding day. Does anyone else have any ideas for compromise on this issue?
One more thing – He and his family are LDS and do not drink alcohol, mine are not. We originally agreed we would not have any alcohol at the wedding but again, after doing some more thinking I decided I would like to have at least beer at our wedding to accomidate those who drink alcohol. I just don’t want anyone to think our wedding is totally lame (I know this is irrational). I brought this up last night as well, and my fiance is not having any of it. He doesn’t drink, his family doesn’t drink and he is very uncomfortable having it around them on our wedding day. In other words, he wants to accommidate his family, and that is the same reason that I do want to have it there. I finally gave up because I do not want him to be uncomfortable on his own wedding day and how he feels matters to me more than just about anything but I just feel so defeated.
I am having major nerves and I think this is all just part of that. I guess it doesn’t help that I am about to start my period and am feeling very emotional, hormonal and irrational. I just can’t wait for the day to be here!!! I know it will all be worth the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on the past four months of engagement! I mostly just needed to vent to someone other than my fiance, but any advice on how to get through this last stretch, any advice on adjusting to marriage or on any of the issues above is so welcome!
Post # 3
It sounds like you have a lot of things to think about before this wedding. Some of them seem like a big deal now but don’t matter on the day. No beer? How about some awesome mocktails?
It will all work out, I promise.
Post # 4
@5750K: Getting married is huge. I’ve had many people come to me and say that it’s not going to change our relationship, it’s just a piece of paper, it doesn’t change anything. I feel it does. Because of the amount of thought and preperation most people put into a wedding and the legally binding component, and all the stress and any number of other factors, i feel like my fiance and i are really making a big step and changing the tone of our relationship from boyfriend and girlfriend, to spouses. Since i see this change as huge, i can understand the hang up on losing your last name. I like the concept of changing my name, in part beause i’ve never had real family, and his is really making me feel loved and welcomed, but mostly becase it ties me to my best friend, it lets him know my level of commitment and makes me feel like we are taking the first step in buolding our family base. The glory of these traditions though is we live in a world that is becoming more lax on them and not taking the last name is becoming more and more accepted, so if you really dont want to have it, you dont have to. You know you’re standing beside him for all time, does the name really become nessesary for you to feel that way? not at all i bet! Do what makes you feel most natural and comfortable. As far as booze at your wedding, I fall on his side here. If his family and he are activly made unconfortable by being around it, where as you and your guests might just miss the option, one side is clearly made to be holding the wet end of the stick. Maybe you could offer a different indulgence, like amazing desserts? Liquor isn’t nessesary for a good time, and i be you all will have a blast without it there. Again, though, you’ve got to do what makes you feel best. Talk with your love calmly and explain how you feel, chances are he’ll get where you are coming from and you guys can compromise on something. I know it can all feel overwhelming and insane, but it’ll all fall together and you’re going to have a wonderful day! As far as the 50 50 shot we all have at wedding sucess, don’t even think about it. Work on your relationship. Falling in love is cake, staying in love is harder sometimes. As long as the 2 of you put in the work, you’re going to have an amazing life together, don’t even worry about that!
Post # 5
Thank you! Wonderful advice. I know how silly I am being with the whole alcohol thing, I think I just needed to hear that he is right from someone else. It’s always hard admiting to yourself that you are wrong. Getting married IS huge! That is something I don’t think I realized before we were engaged, when marrying him was practically all I could talk about! Thanks for your post!!!
Post # 6
I actually don’t think you are being silly at all about the alcohol thing – this is your wedding, too and you have a right to be comfortable and to accommodate your family and friends who do drink. No, alcohol at a wedding is not necessary but if that is what you want I think your fiance should compromise with you. I think having beer and/or wine or maybe just champagne is a fair compromise. Just because his family doesn’t drink doesn’t mean others can’t.
I think your feelings of nervousness are completely valid – getting married is a HUGE transition. Do you and fi live together? Just wondering because that will probably be the biggest transition of all and something you guys should discuss (style of living, spliting up household work, etc) beforehand. Moving in with my fiance (then bf) was the most stressful part of our relationship to date.
Post # 7
And also – I am definitely going to change my name ( and I do side with your fiance in wanting to “feel” like a family in that way). Hoewver, there was a time I didn’t want to because I have a pretty rare last name and because I onyl have sisters, this is the end of my family’s name. 🙁 But, if you feel more comfortable keeping your name that is fine – you can change your mind later! Maybe you guys could compromise and hyphenate? Just make sure you are doing what is best for you and what will make you happy, too.
Post # 8
We have separate places, but have not spent a night apart in a long time. We switch off every other night, which has gotten really old! It will be so nice to live together. We’ve been moving me out of my apartment and into his house this past week and it has been a real source of anxiety, though I can’t really explain why. Its just kind of bitter-sweet. I’m not really sure exactally what I want at this point as far as changing my name, that’s why I want to wait to decide after the wedding. I just wish he could be more supportive of the idea of me not changing my name. It would make the decision a lot easier because I wouldn’t feel like I was doing it because or inspite of him.