Anxiety and my aunt are making me start to dread my wedding (long post)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Big HUGS!!! I have bad social anxiety too, I am still struggling with it, and have to take Valium almost every day. I am seeing a psychiatrist fortnightly, I am hoping that I am better by the time we finally get married. 

I don’t have any advice besides, do not send an invitation to those two kids you don’t want there, and tell either the MC or someone responsible at the venue to take the mic away or shut the slideshow down if she tries to do either a speech or a slideshow. Keep telling her no, and if she says ‘but you have to…’ ask her ‘Why? Is it YOUR wedding? No? Then back off.’

Post # 4
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Its your wedding and you and your fiance are the only ones that have to be happy in the end.  I don’t suffer from social anxiety so I know what I’m writing is a lot easier for me than it is for you, but you need to tell her that she needs to back off.   How close are you with your mom and dad?  Do you think you could have one of them talk to her nicely so you don’t get upset?  I’m really sorry this is happening to you, but I’m so happy to read that your fiance is standing by you and trying to be supportive and helpful.

Post # 6
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Nails_Polished:  I can’t say I have anxiety, although I do get fluster easily sometimes and it shows, but I definetly have a aunt like yours. Ha I love her, and on my wedding day she was a big help (she did all the flower arrangements, my hair). I can’t bedisrespectful in telling her no, but sometimes I just straight out tell her no anyways. When she does get overbearing, I just tell her that it’s my wedding and I wont have it.

One example, I wanted 2 of the 4 little girls in the wedding to possibly be ring bearers (seriously, the title doesn’t denote a boy in any way), or my other idea was to officially call them banner bearers and have them carry a sign with our monogram (I went with this option in the end). She was SO UPSET about this (becuase of the the little ones was her granddaugter). She wanted them all to be CALLED flower girls, and they shouldn’t carry the ring because that was for boys (really?!). 

She kept telling her granddaugter that she will be a flower girls and sprinkle flowers down the aisle. I told her, that won’t be happening, since I had 2 flower girls already, so not to confuse the child….it went on and on…I won the battle. In my program for the wedding, I had 2 flower girls and 2 BANNER BEARS….little battles but I wanted it, I got it ,my day. 

Post # 9
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Nails_Polished:  No problem!  There’s always someone in the family who can deal with the pushier members, you just have to know who.  🙂  Good luck with everything and tell your grandmother to tell your aunt who’s boss!  Its your day, make it everything you want. 

Post # 10
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’d be amazed at how good vendors are at blocking things – especially if you warn them ahead of time. If anyone is giving a speech (you and your fiance, fathers, etc.) give a list to the DJ/MC or if no one will be, tell them that. Ask them to not give the microphone to anyone not on your list and it shouldn’t be a problem. 

For the slideshow, if you can’t steer her away from that, then make sure the equipment to show the slide show goes missing or isn’t available. Again, the venue and/or DJ/MC might able to help here. Or you can always explain that you need the slideshow to give to the venue and then say they “lost” it or “forgot” it – though she may bring her own copy, so watch out for that.

I don’t generally suggest trickery/lying, but people like this call for certain methods sometimes.

Post # 11
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh man, I went through something very similar. DH and I both HATE being the center of attention/having the spotlight on us, so we minimized that by cutting out everything that we possibly could (no parent dances, no garter/bouquet toss, etc.). We had a first look, short ceremony, pictures, the first dance, and that was it. We didn’t even notice the other people/cameras/etc., honestly. We were just SO happy and excited that everything else was in the background, so that was awesome.

FIL wanted to make a video for us, like your aunt’s slideshow. I HATE those things. I think they’re annoying/tacky/no one wants to watch them. DH just assumed that I knew that FIL does them for “every” wedding (except that I’ve literally been to ONE family wedding and FIL didn’t do one for that!) and didn’t bring it up until a few weeks before the wedding. I said absolutely not, not happening, no way. I hate then, they’re embarrassing. He replied that they’re not supposed to be. That’s great, but I get embarrassed by them, so the answer is NO. He ended up telling his dad that the rental of the projector/screen was going to cost way too much (which was true–it was like $300 for something we were using for 15 minutes) and that he was welcome to make the video, but it would just be for DH and I. Can you try something like that with your aunt? Tell her that they don’t have the equipment available to play it, but that she can make it and you and your FI can watch it by yourselves later. I would say tell her that it’s expensive, but she might offer to pay for it.

As far as speeches go, tell the DJ/MC that no speeches will be made. We wrote on our DJ’s timeline that Best Man J and MOH H were doing speeches and NO ONE ELSE. We didn’t need to, but I wanted to take the precaution just in case.

As for inviting those random relations, just ignore her. You don’t HAVE to do anything if you don’t want to. She isn’t in charge of the guest list/invitations anyway. If she asks, keep telling her that your wedding is child-free, no exceptions.

I think this wedding is really going to help you learn how to stand up for yourself. I was already pretty good at it, but I really learned how to tell people no and have that be the end of the story.

Post # 12
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Nails_Polished:  I know this sounds childish…but if you have to throw a “tantrum”…very bridezilla…but if they don’t lsiten to you..maybe the only way to get through is to loose your cool and let them know (I say this because I have similar people in my life, and I KNOW they don’t listen, unless you make a big deal on it….)…so no wall flower for you my dear…just tell them what’s what….be mean (seriously, be a jerk if need be)…

 

Post # 13
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Nails_Polished:  oh btw…look how cute my banner bearers were

I had them walk down in front of me for both the proessional and recessional…SEE ….Bride knows best Wink

Post # 15
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m sorry to hear all this extra frustration you’re feeling, coupled with such an overbearing relative. I have generalized anxiety/depression, and I think it’s great that you’ve completed so much planning already…I’ve done the same thing! Regarding the slideshow, I agree with LadyBear — have a discussion with the venue to let them know it is unacceptable to you for a slideshow to be presented. Come up with a little action plan with the coordinator there, so that you aren’t still worrying about it when the day arrives. Also, I don’t know your aunt, but you have a year to keep saying “NO” to her demands; maybe over time your consistent rejection of her idea will get the point across?

Post # 16
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ativan is my best friend in situations like this. On rare occasions of the major potential of an anziety or panic attack, I take a half a pill.  The only reason I am not worrying about our wedding day is I already know I am going to have half an Ativan the morning of and I should be fine. I know medication is not the answer but in extreme circumstances like this, I personally think its ok. Even though I wanted to get married this year, this is exactly the reason I stretched it out!

All the other dilemma’s, please just put your foot down. Maybe write her a letter and say you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to decide what you want at your wedding and what you don’t want and to please respect that. (in a nice way of course 🙂 If she wants to do a slide show or give a speech, maybe have her do it at a shower or at a small family event before or after the wedding. Ugh, I feel bad you are going through that.

Good luck!

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