- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
Apologies in advance for the length and rambling, I’m terrible at being succinct and got a lot of rantin’ to do.
I’m still a year away, and so far everything with planning is going fantastically. I have nearly all of my “important” things booked–venue (including ceremony, reception, officiant, and catering), photographer, DJ. Because I have very severe anxiety issues–I’m talking intensive therapy, tons of medications, registered as an actual disability anxiety–I wanted to do everything I could to reduce stress in planning. And so far everything is great! There’s even been just a minimal amount of drama, about as little as I could ever hope for… so far, anyway.
But none of that is what I’m stressing over.
I’m honestly terrified of the day itself. My biggest demon is social anxiety, and the idea of being basically the centre of attention for nearly an entire day makes me get nauseous. Especially since when getting ready I’ll be around my mother and aunt who can be… overbearing, to put it lightly.
Even with the family aside, I’m terrified of being in the spotlight. Everyone will be watching me, photographing and videotaping me, wanting my attention from the moment I walk down the aisle to the moment I leave. Save for bathroom breaks I will have at least one pair of eyes on me at any given time–and I won’t be able to escape. I’ve heard all the stories about how brides and grooms didn’t even get to eat dinner because their guests were constantly demanding their attention.
I am fully aware, of course, that they’ll be watching my fiance too, but… anxiety is a bit of a monster that disregards that. Besides, I’ll be with him so in the end it’s a package deal anyway.
He’s the only hope I’ve got of maintaining even a shred of sanity. He is really my rock, he keeps me grounded, when I start having panic attacks he helps me get out of whatever situation and calm down… well, I’m marrying him for a reason, aren’t I? 🙂
Another big problem is that my pushy aunt wants–by which I mean she is demanding–to make a slideshow of me (“oh… and I guess a few pictures of [fiance] too”) as a kid. Which means massive pictures of me being displayed in front of everybody. One picture in particular has my nekkid two-year-old butt hanging out. She loves that picture and would absolutely include it. My butt. On a giant screen. In front of my new husband’s entire family. And our friends and my extended family, of course.
Two years of therapy got me to the point where I could say “No.” And she totally steamrolled me, saing “Nope, I HAAAAVE to do this.” She can’t quite be described… even my fiance, who has a very strong and pushy personality himself, has a tough time standing up to her. She also wants to give a speech (NOPE) and also is trying to force me to invite two kids I’m distantly related to (“You don’t have to invite any other kids, but you HAAAAVE to invite them!” She does not know how weddings work not to mention I don’t want them there to begin with).
I won’t be able to escape anyone, but most of all I won’t be able to escape her, and she pushes my stress levels to the max on normal days. I’m really afraid that anything she might do will tip me over the edge into a panic attack–which my family would get really angry at me and never forgive me for, and it would honestly ruin my memories of my wedding forever.
So to keep my stress levels as far down as possible, I do NOT want a slideshow. I do NOT want speeches–not from her, not from anyone. I am definitely not doing a bouquet toss or a garter toss. (The idea of having him go under my dress in front of everyone is the biggest NOPE NOPE NOPE of all, no matter how much it’s expected.) My fiance is going to do his best to stand up to her in my defense, but she’ll likely take issue with that (“Don’t speak for her!”) so I have no idea how well it will go. I wouldn’t put it past her to steal a microphone and give a speech even if she agrees not to beforehand.
tl;dr: Bad social anxiety is threatening to ruin my wedding for myself because I’m afraid of being the centre of attention and of people in general. I have a very pushy aunt who is demanding to do things that will make it worse and probably have a panic attack.
So finally, my questions!
If any of you have anxiety, how did you/are you dealing with it? And for those of you with relatives like my aunt, how did you/are you dealing with THEM? Especially if you are/were unable to defend yourself against them?
Is there any possibility at all that I’ll be able to take a breather by myself? (Alas I do not smoke so I can’t use that excuse)
If you have no advice to give and somehow managed to slog through that word salad I very very much appreciate it! This was more of a rant anyway. Feel free to post whatever you want. Hello, how was your day? How is your own planning coming along? Nice to meet you 🙂
Again, thank you very much for your time and I’m terribly sorry for the length of this post.