Post # 1
Ladies, DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 4 in December.
We have been through some very difficult times (who hasn’t) but have always found our way back to each other.
We are having a difficult time at the moment and I am feeling so insecure in our relationship.
In 2011, I had an affair. We went through 5 months of living in hell. We weren’t connecting. He was distant, I cheated. He found out about my affair the first weekend in October, I moved out and we didn’t talk for a month. He reached out in November and we started reconciling. He slept with someone during this time that I walked in on. After this, things started to progress in a positive way and slowly over time we started to trust each other again. I thought things were better than ever.
Monday two weeks ago he came home from work late. I was annoyed because he didn’t tell me he would be late and I had already made dinner. He came home and while undressing I started telling him about something that happened at work. He was listening but then cut me off and told me to get to the point as I was waffling. I flew off the handle. I was so angry and I carried on like a brat. I thought we made up that night but the next day he was still angry. a few days later he was still being distant so I confronted him and he said he hasn’t been happy for awhile. He said that I’ve been distant and he feels like I don’t love him. I told him he was crazy and I’m going through a few things (anxiety and depression) and I would go get help.
Things started improving until Sunday when I got home from work. He hadn’t texted me all day and when I asked him about it he said he hadn’t wanted too. I asked why and he said because you don’t love me. I thought he was kidding but he explained he wasn’t, that he felt worried with how I had been behaving and looked on my Facebook. He found a message I sent to the person I cheated with dated January 2012 seeking contact.
He is rightfully devestated. He feels like our reconciliation is a lie. He doesn’t trust me. He won’t let me kiss him. One minute he is normal, the next he is cold and distant. My anxiety is off the chain, with severe panic attacks. I’m trying not to make this about me though. He hadn’t said I love you since Sunday, until this morning when I dropped him at the station and he said it back.
My friends are telling me to stop reading in to his every move. I’m terrified that he is going to want to end things. I don’t know. I just want us to go back to being happy and best friends again. Not small talk and walls up.
I have made an appointment to see a psychologist next week. I asked about marriage counselling but he does not want to go. We went after the affair and had a bad experience.
Post # 2
There is a difference between “reading into his every move” and him flat out telling you that he isn’t happy and that your reconcilliation is a lie. You absolutely should be anxious about this situation, there is no ambiguity here, your marriage is in trouble. You started out your marriage with an affair, it’s very hard to erase the hurt and distrust that that causes and pretend everything is ok, even years down the line. In that sense your reconcilliation was a lie, he obviously has not gotten over his hurt and mistrust and and just supressed it until things got bad again. If there is any hope of saving your relationship, you need to seek counselling together and start effectively communicating. Try a couple therapists if you don’t like the first one. I certainly don’t think that you can fix this on your own.
Post # 3
SithLady: I agree with the pp except for the fact that if he won’t go to counselling, I suggest you start counselling on your own. Maybe if he sees that you are willing to devote some time and energy into understanding who you are and why you did the things you did, he might come around.
Post # 4
No offense, but I would call that more than a rough patch! Your marriage is in serious trouble and you need to take some drastic steps. Sit down with him, have an open and honest talk about what is going on and see if he will come to counselling with you.
Out of interest, why did you seek contact with the man you had an affair with? You said your relationship was “better than ever” during that period
Post # 5
OP, do go to the counselor by yourself to start with.
But if you don’t figure out a way to get him to a good marriage counselor with you, this is going to be very difficult to resolve.
My guess is that your DH has been burying these feelings for a while and now they are bubbling up to the surface — so during those periods when you thought things were getting better, the only thing that was getting better was his ability to keep it all squashed inside. Infidelity is a crushing blow to a marriage in its early stages. He has a lot of emotions that need to be dealt with.
Post # 6
Try counselling on your own.
At the end of the day, if you’re having panic attacks regularly you need help that has nothing to do with him. Panic attacks are disruptive and scary to endure, and you should work on alleviating yourself from that burden. I think he’s doubting everything because you reached out to someone you cheated on him with. I think its a reasonable response to be put off by that and incredibly hurt.
You both need to work on yourselves. This is definitely more than just a rough patch and it would appear that both of you need to do some seriously hard work to turn this around.
Post # 7
dannielle89: 1) why did you cheat? 2) why did you contact him after the fact?
Not asking in a judgemental way. Just wondering what is wrong/missing either within yourself or with the relationship. Until that gets resolved, things will never get better.
Post # 8
I just don’t understand why you chose to contact that guy again after you though things were “better than ever.” Regardless, you both have a lot of work to do to save this marriage. I guess if he isn’t open to counseling the most you can do is go yourself and try to figure out why you felt the need to cheat and contact the guy again. Hopefully when he sees you are serious about figuring yourself out and saving the marriage he will jump on board. If not, I mean, can you really blame him? The poor guy assumed things were fine, and he was lied to.
Post # 9
MrsKing212: Out of interest, why did you seek contact with the man you had an affair with? You said your relationship was “better than ever” during that period<br /><br /><br />
megz06: I just don’t understand why you chose to contact that guy again after you though things were “better than ever.”<br /><br />
I don’t think OP is clear on this. She didn’t clarify whether the “five months of hell,” DH being distant, led up to the affair, or if the five months of hell followed after DH found out about the affair.<br /><br />
If the five months of hell started after DH found out about the affair, then October plus five months = end of February.
Please let me be clear that I’m not excusing OP for reaching out to the other guy in January.
I’m just saying that if she and her DH were split up at that time, or if they were in the process of attempting to reconcile and her DH was not responding to her phone calls etc., her contact with the other guy would be in a different light, than if she’d contacted him while she and her DH were back together and living under one roof.
Also too, her making contact with the ex for a booty call, would be very different than if she reached out to him to tell him to stop sending her X-rated text messages.
OP, can you give us more info?
Post # 10
BelliniChic: I think she meant that she had five months of hell and then had an affair.
Danielle89: I have been married for 10 years and we have had rough patches as well. And I never cheated, no matter how distant he seemed at the moment. I would never forgive my husband if he cheated either. The fact that your husband gave you another chance and has never said that he DOESN’T love you, is a sign, no matter how small, that he still wants your marriage to work. So concentrate on that. And don’t ever reach out to the other guy again, no matter how tempted you are. It should be a clean break.
I think it’s good that you’re seeking help from someone unbiased. You should focus on your mental and emotional needs and getting better. Have you talked to your husband to tell him that you want to work on your depression and anxiety, so that you can be a better wife to him? I think the first step is to feel better before you can focus on making him feel better. Maybe after you have gone to a few sessions, your psychologist can recommend doing a few sessions with both you and your husband together? Try focusing on the positive things in your relationship and try not to get upset about the small things like being late to dinner. Instead, tell him that you missed him and you’re glad that he’s home.
Post # 11
dannielle89: definitely go to a therapist on your own. Show your husband that you are serious about working on yourself and fixing things. He doesn’t trust you because you’ve shown him that you can’t be trusted – even though to you this affair has been over for years, he just found this last message so to him you basically just cheated yesterday. Give him time to process and get past the initial pain/shock. Offer your love and affection unconditionally, don’t make it about your feelings, and don’t sulk when he doesn’t want to return it. Good luck!
Post # 12
Go to the therapist to gain strength to talk to him more. This isn’t about analyzing his every move. He told you he is unhappy, doesn’t trust you … sorry but he is on the verge of wanting to end it or already wants to end it. But instead of letting this incite a panic attack or ignoring it confront it. Don’t sweep this under the rug for a couple more years pretending everything is okay. Work with a therapist on your own to get through your feelings and communication skills and then try again to get him to attend too.
Post # 13
BelliniChic: I see what you mean, and I agree we probably need more info. I guess I wouldn’t connect with the same guy I had an affair with if my marriage was rocky because hooking up with him in the first place was a bad move.
Post # 14
OP you definitely have cause to be worried.
My advice would be to continue your personal therapy and to head on over to survivinginfidelity.com
Join the wayward spouse forums and get better advice over there than you’ll ever get on a wedding site.